Sometimes It's Difficult

Did you ever get the feeling that no matter how far you claw yourself out of the abyss, someone is there ready and willing to push you back in?  Lately one particular person seems to make everything very difficult, even if he isn't doing it deliberately.  It just depresses me, because there is nothing I can do to make things improve.  I'm afraid to see how things will be when he'll have more responsibilities over his living situation.  All I know is that I'm tired mentally and physically.  I shouldn't be this tense and sad near the holidays.  That's all I have for today.

The Last Day

Today is the last day that I will be stepping into a classroom here on campus.  I've finally dealt with all of the obstacles that have been in my way toward graduation.  I've been able to build confidence in my study efforts for my final exam and I'm just ready to move on to greener pastures.  For a long time, I thought that I would only have the option of being a teacher, but I am realizing that I shouldn't sell myself short.  I've decided to find out about the communications program at Kean University in Union for the Autumnal Semester.  I love radio and I'm willing to learn about all the aspects dealing with the industry.  I know that it may be a fading market for some formats, but I am still eager to find my way.  Am I concerned about heading into my forties?  Of course I am!  I won't let that stop me from doing what I have always dreamed.

For a very long time, I felt as if I had nothing to offer as a person.  I felt deprived of education and I felt like I lacked the intelligence to do much of anything with my life.  There wasn't anyone to blame for that situation but me.  The feelings of inadequacy made me feel depressed and worthless.  When my husband decided to go back to school, that's when I began to summon up the courage to apply for classes myself.  Of course that was a while back.  Because of scheduling, health, and family matters, there were times when school was put on hold, but I went back to classes as soon as possible.  I am hoping against hope that I won't have any trouble attending Kean.  I have always wanted to go on to a better school, and since Kean University is a state school, I will be paying less money.  Very excited to see how things turn out!  Missing a semester will be tough, but I do my best to get through it.

My Holiday Feelings

 (If you do not agree with certain things that I mention in this essay, then I apologize)

Lately I have been thinking about the holidays.  I realize that this is supposed to be the "Season of Giving," but why do we have to succumb to all of these advertisements and spent such grandiose, obscene amounts of money?  I've always wondered if, rather than giving lavish gifts or any gifts at all, having a family meal or a potluck dinner where everyone shares their favorite dish instead.  It just seems that we tag this line drive of over-consumerism, rather than just enjoying the season of having friends and family together for one day.  If we did something like that, maybe people wouldn't look at their credit card statements with such disgust.  We could actually take the money we would have spent on presents and place it into a savings account.  It is kind of like being your own cog in the wheel of your financial future.  I mean that in a good way.  I'm paying down all of my credit card bills and I know that lavish gifts are a thing of the past.  I would rather cook or bake for my family and friends.  I would rather spend valuable, quality time with them.  To me, that is so much more important than a gift that may or may not be returned.

I have, in a more recent sense, equated this time of year in a very dim sort of light.  I have to say that I am not Christmas' biggest fan.  This is for more of the secular aspects than the religious aspects on their own.  The season always makes me feel worse about my own life.  Christmas was my Mother's holiday and she was the one that brought everyone together for the celebration.  After she died a year ago, I felt even more like the Grinch about the whole issue.  There isn't anything wrong with those who enjoy the meaning of the Christmas holiday celebration and, if you can believe it, I envy that festive nature.  I try my best to do nice things to remind myself that the Yuletide season is meant to find joy for your good deeds.  I've also tried to remind myself that this celebration helps to sustain you through the long, cold Winter.  This year, I decided to do the more traditional aspects of the holiday.  I decorated the tree, filled out the greeting cards, watched some classic holiday films, and even did some of my shopping.  With shopping, I kept everything to a minimum and I realized you can purchase great items for very reasonable prices just by comparison shopping.  I love the scan bar app on my Android phone, because it really comes in handy during this time of year.

Maybe this year will be different than past years.  Maybe I will find some sort of grace out of the whole situation.  Grace may be pushing it, being that I am a free-thinker and have no religious denomination whatsoever.  I guess I should call it a secular epiphany.  We'll see how that goes.  I've been looking at my holiday tree and smiling lately.  It reminds me of all the holiday celebrations that I have hosted over the years and all of the memories that my husband and I accrued during our sixteen year marriage.  It also reminds me of some of the losses that we have had over the years, but the holidays are always bittersweet that way.  My favorite part of the holiday and probably the only thing I really love is egg nog.  I love making my egg nog with a little Southern Comfort and a grate of nutmeg.  Yum!  Right now, as part of my holiday season, I am reminding myself about how lucky I am for the blessings in my life.  I have a wonderful husband, a roof over my head, two wonderful sisters, my Dad, my sweet furry babies (a.k.a my pets), and my friends.  I'm lucky enough to be graduating from school this December and getting into Kean University in Union if all goes well.  My graduation was put off for family reasons.

The holidays are a time where you find tolerance for one another, compassion for those around you, exercise selflessness, and find gratitude.  I'm learning that to relieve stress, during one of the most stressful times of the year, is to enjoy the company of your loved ones.  They say that clinging on to the spirit of the holidays helps to sustain you throughout the year.  Maybe we need to reflect on the joy of the holidays as a child.  That spirit is so pure, especially the anticipation alone.  When you are a child, the holidays seem so magical.  You have Santa and the treasure trove of gifts.  I never realized how lucky my sister and me were during those times in our lives.  Now I mark this time of year, by giving a book to a needy child every year.  Now that the holidays are just around the bend, I'm preparing myself for the occasion and trying to lessen the feelings of obligation.  I want this holiday to remind me of where I came from, why I am the way that I am, and how much I really appreciate the bond I have with my family.  I think that this is the true meaning of the season for me personally.  If you can get around the holiday obstacles, which can include arguments, I think you can actually find the whole experience quite rewarding and enjoyable.

Math Anxiety

When you think of being frightened or having a phobia, a fear of heights or a fear of being closed in or claustrophobia are the first ones that come to mind.  Common fears such as a stage fright or a fear of public speaking are, also, notorious.  There is another fear that is just as common, if not more common than most fears, and that is math anxiety.  With math anxiety, even calculating your grades or the tip for a pizza delivery bill may feel like a tedious task.  Math anxiety is an intense emotional feeling of fear that a person has about their ability to understand and work with mathematics. (Texas State University)  This can be confused with test anxiety, which is a fear of taking a subject examination.  According to the WY Math Project, “Anxiety comes in two forms: Somatic and Cognitive.” (Western Wyoming Community College)  Those who are affected by math anxiety can suffer with one or more of these forms.

When I would deal with Math as a subject, especially when I was in high school and even in my college years, I found myself increasingly convinced that I could not pass through any math course.  No matter how much I would study or how much time I would put into the work, I would choke at test time.  This began for me as a young child in elementary school.  I was the type of student who excelled at English or Reading studies, but fell short when it came to Mathematics.  My teachers put me into resource to see if that would bolster my confidence.  When I was older, I would go to tutors to try and alleviate the issue.  I still dealt with the same stumbling blocks.  Making friends with Math, in my opinion, is the most challenging task in the world.  To me, learning mathematics, especially algebra, was like learning a second language.

Attempting to remedy the problem of math anxiety can be an obstacle-ridden process.  A student may feel helpless or hopeless just attempting to finish their homework assignments.  This can cause that student to refrain from doing the work altogether, because the task feels insurmountable.  When test time arrives, the feelings increase and can cause an intense feeling of panic.  A student may even freeze up at test time, making them unable to complete the examination.  This can result in the student handing in an unfinished test, because they couldn’t find the courage to complete the work or even forgot some of the mechanics due to stress.  The student can end up dropping the class or suffer with the effects on their GPA, which feels even worse.

Math anxiety can actually come from a lack of preparedness for homework or tests.  When they say, “…practice makes perfect…” it’s true.  Another cause of math anxiety comes from thoughts of being unintelligent, along with a fear of being obvious, especially if they are called on in class and have the wrong answer.  A feeling of ineptitude can lead to patterns of negative self-talk, panic, and can even lead to depression when you are unable to finish a problem or an equation.  The loss of confidence is the chief cause of math anxiety.  Learning to realize that you can ask for help and educate yourself from your mistakes, is a very important asset in overcoming your fear.

To begin to cope with the feelings of math anxiety, you have to believe in yourself first and foremost.  Staying assured that you can do the work and carrying a positive mental attitude is the first step of coping with the perils of math anxiety.  Another step is talking and asking questions about the math work to your instructors.  They are a resource that is provided to help you to work through the steps of your math problems.  It may feel embarrassing to ask for help, but another step is staying convinced that it’s not wrong to learn through inquiry.  Having your instructor explain the problems and equations can save you a trip to the tutor and make you feel better about the classroom environment.

 

If you look at the problems that are easiest first, whether it’s on a test or in your homework and classwork, then you can move your difficulty level up gradually.  This is a really beneficial step in removing some of the fear of the math problems.  Another step that can help you with math anxiety is keeping up with the classwork.  Staying current on the classwork and homework can keep the math concepts fresh in your mind and creates a solid foundation to work from when you study. (Woods)  This can also help when you move on to more complex math courses.  There can be different approaches to solving an equation or problem, which can help your execution of the work. (Texas State University)  Learning from making mistakes early on can help you during test time.  Practicing the math can help you avoid wrong answers when exams arrive.  According Dave Woods, Associate Professor of Mathematics at Austin County College, maintains that, “If you come into an exam with a feeling of preparedness you will be less likely to experience the physical effects of anxiety.” (Woods)

Sometimes you forget that you use math every day, but practicality never really enters the picture for those who suffer from math anxiety.  I still have to remind myself that it is not very complicated.  Though I have improved my math skills somewhat, I still find myself slipping backwards.  Trying to learn from those feelings and realize when you have those triggers gives you the chance to overcome them and relax about the work.  Math is not the most difficult subject in the world and I feel the need to take a deep breath.  If you just make an effort, you can see where you can improve on mistakes and excel without worries.

References:

"Math Anxiety." Counseling Center. Texas State University at San Marcos, 2011. Web. 10 Dec 2011. .

Woods, Dave, ed. "Coping with Math Anxiety." . Austin County College, 2011. Web. 10 Dec 2011. .

"What is Math Anxiety?." WY Math Project. Western Wyoming Community College, 2011. Web. 10 Dec 2011. .

 

Life on the Homefront, College Life and Planning for Afterward

So I decided to sign up for a transfer seminar.  I'm graduating and I was agonizing over my GPA, so I went to the Advising Dept. at the college for options.  I was really looking forward to being a student at GCU this Autumn, but then certain events my Father created put a wrench in those plans.  Now I have to find a new school to attend and that has to coordinate with where I will be in the seven months.  I'm starting to feel the stress but, at the same time, I feel happy that I am accomplishing something.  My GPA is ample and I feel comfortable enough that I will find a decent school to fit my future.  I spoke to the adviser and told her that I was concerned about whether or not teaching was for me.  I was pleased to be reassured that I could find a four year college that would take me and I could hit the ground running with communications courses right through a school such as that.  I'm still nervous, but I still feel that I should do something that makes me happy.  Teaching, while that is something that I know I can do, won't make me feel whole.  I know that may not make sense, but I can't put it any plainer.  My heart says that radio or some form of communication work is the answer. 

My husband is still working on his certifications and graphic design classes at Kean University.  I can't help feeling that I would be denying his happiness if I pushed through to another school too soon.  That's another obstacle that stands in my way right now.  He can't be with me during the Transfer Fair on Thursday, because he has to be in class.  Hopefully I will get some good information on some schools that can accommodate my major.  The transfer seminar will be even more helpful in that department, because I can get a feel for the process.  When I move again, I will have to find a school closer to my destination.  That's one of the key factors that plays into this as well.  My husband is very apprehensive about discussing this with me and I really don't know why.  The only reason I can fathom is that he's worried his classwork won't transfer to another program. 

Right now I am just working hard to get through Statistics.  I have a great professor, which I had last semester, and so far everything is going smoothly.  I had my first quarterly exam and passed it.  Being that I only have the one course this semester, I can put all of my concentration on the mathematics.  I don't feel so much pressure from a huge course load on top of it.  I can work on some things at home and, also, work on moving forward with a clearer head.  I've been reading a great deal in my leisure time, which has been wonderful.  I've also been watching a ton of movies and tv series.  I have found the beauty of Netflix and decided against subscribing to cable television when I moved at the end of the Summer.  I have the internet for news and weather, plus my phone has that capability also.  What is the point of having cable?  I watch movies on my flat-screen and my computer with my large flat-screen monitor, so I don't see the point of spending all that money for Optimum.  Besides, Cablevision sucks ass to begin with!

My husband and I are preparing for a visit from his Mother Linda and her fiance Andrew this week.  I am so happy for both of them.  I can't wait to see the both of them.  They are bringing their dogs, Dolly and Earl.  My cats are going to be in culture shock, although I think Stubby really won't care.  It's the girls that will be out of sorts.  My dog Ophelia, who is more than sixteen years old, is pretty much well-adjusted to everything.  We are preparing the third bedroom for them and hopefully everything will be ready by the end of the week.  We are still working on improvements around the house bit by bit, just to make things comfortable.  We've got most of our things unpacked, but I want to get some of my books on the shelves.  Things will happen as they should.  Well I'm going back to reading Saving Fish from Drowning by Amy Tan.  I will write more again soon.  Have a great beginning to your Autumnal Season!  Love you all :)

9/11 Ten Years Later

It's been ten years since that day and I can still recall seeing the news with perfect clarity.  My mind recalls the horror and tragedy that flashed across the screen for everyone to see.  It was heartbreaking, terrifying, and it made you realize the fragility of the human condition.  That day so many people came together for one cause selflessly and with the hope of saving as many people as they possibly could.  There had never been something of this magnitude so close to home and an indelible mark had been made. 

Even though our country commanded war in the wake of this event, we still have to live with the loss.  The only way to honor the ten years after this day is to remember the friends, loved ones, and those who tried to save those people.  Fighting violence with violence will never bring them back.  It's the memories, love, and gratitude that will live on in our hearts forever.  Remember that we should hope against hope that the troops, who are fighting this war, find their way home safely.  Remember that we can be a peaceful nation once more.

Back to School; Back to School :)

My Summer seemed very abbreviated this year, but I really don't mind.  If there was anything that I've been craving, it's been Autumn semester.  There are still reservations as to how things will turn out, but I am matriculating after this semester.  I picked up applications for a different university.  I was going to attend Georgian Court University, but with everything changing so fast this Summer, I didn't have time to take my last course during the quick term.  I've decided to look into Kean University, not just for the convenience of travel, but the reduction of price per credit.  I can't say what quality the education will be in their teaching programs, but you never know.  This isn't the only school that I am going to look into, but it's the first one after ruling out GCU.

I have been as intrepid as possible when it comes to finishing this part of my degree, but certain points have been a bit tedious due to personal circumstances.  I can complain and say, 'It's not fair; why me?"  How is that really accomplishing anything?  It's just crying over spilled milk.  So I am taking my Statistics course and enjoying my time on campus again.  If I go to Kean University, I can work the radio station as well.  That's also a bonus.  Another avenue for me is getting my degree and then going to Brookdale College to take some communications courses and move forward toward radio and promotion studies.  Choices, choices for me, but I have some time to think about it.  I may also choose a college in another state.  My husband and me want to move out of New Jersey, because of the expense of living here.

My husband is currently working and completing his design certifications.  Truthfully, I have no idea how he accomplish both without collapsing.  The poor man looks so dog tired by the end of the day.  He is the sweetest, most hard working man I have ever met in my entire life.  We've been married for what will be sixteen years on September 23rd of this year, and this December 24th for 19 years total.  We've seen each other through some really tough times, and he's seen me through my lowest points.  I couldn't ask for a better man.  Everything we do, we do for each other.  So really my choice of vocation has to be right for both us.  So, I have a bit of soul searching to do this Fall.  I'm giving myself give less than five months to prepare for the next step. 

When I started to set up the plans to go to GCU, I was really earnest about going.  Things seemed sure and I thought that was going to be part of my future.  It's amazing how prepared you have to be for change.  I am not upset at all anymore but, at first, I admit disappointment.  When I found that I wanted to move and that certain opportunities arose that I was silly not to take, I had to ask myself, "Was I going to move to a nicer home or stay in a smaller one.  So I put off the expensive education and the one class that would push me to graduation, and I feel like I can breathe a bit.  I will file for graduation this November.  Things will land as they should and I'm not going to stress over it all.  I will write about my experiences as they progress.  It's definitely going to be an adventure.  Especially if I move out of state.  Ha!

Why? LOL

Well I guess Lady Gaga was bored so she decided to dress up like Prince for an early Halloween look on the VMA's. I guess the meat dress wasn't enough LOL!  She looks like an ugly derelict dude.  Was this supposed to carry some message?  I have to say that I usually find her work creative, although most of it has been done by other artists in the 80's and 70's.  Even one of the Theirry Mugler costumes in Bad Romance was used in a George Michael video from the early 90's.  I liked her use of shock value along with her singing voice.  This is a bit confusing and I have to say, so was the pastrami dress,  

Moving On

There have been so many times in my life where I felt as if I were spinning the proverbial wheels in the mud and really not moving forward at all.   Finally it seems that I'm advancing.  I've moved, I'm finishing the first part of my degree, and I'm consider the next chapter of my life.  I used to find these whimsical little or  no so little amusements that made me happy for a very long time because, let's face it, I was a very sad woman for a very long time.  There were many different points in my life that left me discouraged and completely devoid of any value.  Sometimes it was entertaining sometimes very frivolous and maybe costly outings that made me forget what was going on at home.  I have a wonderful husband who was caring enough to let me do those things, but there were times that I probably shouldn't have.  It wasn't just the loss of my mother that threw me, even though it wasn't easy.  It was a series of things over many, many years that really sank my self-esteem into the swamp.  

Sometimes you have to wonder who your friends are too.  You can surround yourself with people who call themselves that, but that is definitely subject to scrutiny.  Many' many times I can remember trying to buffer my depression with people who really didn't give a flying fuck about me.  People that I had extended the olive branch to without thinking twice.  The weird thing is that I'm not bitter about that.  I find it to be an incredible learning experience.  Some of these people still chat with me on the internet, but they never pick up a phone to call me or anything like that.  Very few people are part of my life that way lately.  Part of that is moving as well, not so much enforced isolation.  No matter what anyone tells you, you cannot boost your self-esteem by the amount of friends you acquire.  I definitely think that it's being happy about what you do everyday.  Having friends to share that with, well that's nice too as long as the playing field is equal.

Now that I am progressing and moving on, I'm thinking about doing something that I kind of kicked to the corner.  I think that I'm going to take some more communications courses.  I wasn't going to do that, but I really think that I would be cheating myself if I didn't.  I want to be happy for once in my life.  Radio makes me happy and I'm not going to short change myself.  I will always have the background to take the teaching courses as well, and if I have to I can fall back into that course of study.  So I'm not afraid about that.really.  We'll see where life takes me.  I love music, and I want to make that part of my life.  Doing college radio was so much fun and I realized that I wanted to make that my career.  I would even settle working behind the scenes.  It's just a great industry that I really want to be a part of.  I think with the satellite radio boom, there has been growth in the industry in that sense, but who knows the fate of FM radio.

Catchin' Up

This whole Summer I have been unable to write.  I feel as if I am stifled.  Things have been complicated, some due to impending residence change, but mostly for my clack of inspiration.  I have to say that this isn't the easiest of Summers for me.  My life has been conflicted by the incompetence of my own parent, not due to illness, because of his poor planning and his presumptions that someone else will always take care of him.  You'd think he was 80 years old, but he's just 65 and without life skills.  My husband and myself are going through a challenging period whereas we want to move out of New Jersey in five months.  This means that we both need to secure new employment and a new residence, as well as a new neurologist to deal with my medical conditions.  I need to leave so many things behind and remove some pressures, therefore removing the need for tranquilizers.  My father and other elements really give me anxiety.  All I want to do is find some peace and some happiness for me and my husband.  I don't think that's too tall of an order.  I'm going to take a deep breath, think positive thoughts, and make our dreams a reality. 

Mixed Feelings (A Mobile Blog)

You get this picture in your mind of how life should be working, especially when you reach a certain age, and something never goes according to your plans. Lately, I have been wondering if my direction was correct.  You get to a point where you think that all of your ducks have to be a row.  I have definitely hit that stage in life.  I've always been the type to support the dreams and choices of those I care about, and I've never really put much thought into what I really needed.  I have a loving relationship and friendship with my wonderful husband Donald, and that is perfect.  My family life, outside of my husband and his family, hasn't been all roses, but I've always known what I've had to deal with.  They've all had their goals and dreams, and sometimes I put myself aside so they could have them.  Now, I believe it's my turn.  I have been a bit saddened by the postponement of my work toward a teaching degree, but I realize that there are other things that need to come first.  After Fall semester and two classes I'm taking to stay "in the loop," I'm finally getting my time.  I want to state that sometimes you have to be a little selfish, because everyone needs "their time."   When my mother, sister, and father were living their lives, I took care of my great aunt who suffered with Alzheimer's disease.  My husband was the only one who helped me during those seven years.  The only problem is you get knocked down during times like that, and my husband and I were knocked down in many other situations since.  It's like you are in this trench that prevents you from clawing your way out.  I get so frustrated that I cry over it, but I try not to feel defeated.  Lately my life is a series of revolving doors and I can't seem to stop spinning through them or watch other people leave.  That same theory applies to other aspects of my life as well.  Maybe I need to take the chance and let the chips fall where they may sometimes, but what if I fail?  I feel that, at my age, it's not an option.  I need to have some kind of structure or stability.  This is not just for me, but for my husband as well.  Over the last year, the rug has been yanked out from under me.  I don't think that I can ever trust that things will work out perfectly, in any respect, again.  I want to change that perspective, but it's not happening for me.  Who knows what can happen in a couple months or even a few months.  It just seems like everything is a gamble.  I want to go to school and I want enjoy the rest of my life with Don, but I don't want worry at every turn.  I think that at 39, my husband and I deserve that.  I want to do for myself, but my life seems to block things or, at least, make it hard to make good things happen. 

As Time Goes By (A Mobile Blog)

This is a different kind of post when it comes to remembering, because I am a realist.  With that in mind, please take the time to bear with me....

It has been a year since I've lost the presence of my mother to her death.  Things have been different in many ways and in some ways I've changed how I view loss. At first I grappled with the notion that it was her time and that some cosmic force, over and above myself, dictated the cessation of her life.  This kind of took my already conflicted and angry view of that angle to an even more incensed level than usual.  I was, "...angry at God for his poor timing and selfish removal of a loved one."  I then began to work myself past this phase of my grief after retracing the steps of how my mother decided to live her life.  The realization of her recklessness appeared to me like a rude comment.  A thought began to revolve in my brain, which said plainly, "Your mother's plans really had no regard for your family; she was out for herself."  This made me so angry and I began to cry out of frustration over not seeing this before it was much too late.  She never took care of herself medically and left everyone out of loop, plus she never plan for my father's financial future.  She just died once she stopped working with the hope that someone would take care of her in the manner that she had expected. 

Even though I loved and respected my mother on many levels, this was presumptuous and a shot in the dark.  This was the same poor planning that both grandmother and great aunt exercised when they met their ends.  Is this because they felt that they had taken care of someone else all of their lives and they had some sort of entitlement?  If that is the case, wouldn't that have been presented in a clearer context.  The only guess I can make is that they didn't want any room for objection when it came to their "plans."  What my mother failed to realize or, at least, failed to care about, was my father's ability to live life independently.  This angered me more than anything else, because it leaves me and my sister with the difficult task of finding a way to make my Dad capable of living his own life.  I shouldn't let this turn into resentment but, unfortunately, that is the obstacle that I am fraught with at this particular moment.

It's funny though, because I've been dreaming about her recently.  It took me a year to let those thoughts to enter my subconscious, but now they've planted themselves there.  Mom makes little cameos here and there within my dreams and I'm not particularly sure whether or not it's her voice that I'm hearing.  The facial features are the one distinguishing giveaway when it comes to her character.  I have wondered whether or not this was my way of finding some solace when it came to her memory.  I have also wondered if this was my psyche's way of working out some plan to forgive her.  Aside from one dream that she was presented in, she came through in a nonthreatening manner.  The one dream or nightmare, if you will, consisted of someone choking me to death.  Not sure what that meant, but I can only say that it we completely and utterly terrifying to say the least.  Maybe I shouldn't eat close to bedtime.  Ha! 


Aside from most of my feelings, I have a deep sense of regret and a void that is incapable of being filled.   Sometimes I long to tell my mother about the good things that occur in my life, such as my grades or my impending graduation, and she isn't there to listen, to hug me or congratulate me.  When I was laden with doubt and needed someone to comfort me, she was absent from my life.  I couldn't laugh with her or go to a movie with her.  I even miss the occasional argument, as frustrating and unintelligent as they may have been.  She used to relish in the notion that she was always correct in her assumptions and maybe that was part of the reason her life was all too brief.  I'm beginning to think that she may have felt some kind of invincibility or at least some measure thereof.  I'll never be able to answer all of the questions that surround the incident that occurred a year ago.  Life is funny, because in one breath you think someone is the rock in your life and in the next they've disappeared like mist in the hot sunlight.  Hopefully I can reconcile with most of my emotions and, even though it will always be uncomfortable, I will find some measure of peace.  I miss you Mom.  I wish you had taken the time to realize how important life is and that giving up shouldn't have been part of the outline. 

Intrepidness and Bravery: I Need Both

Giving my life a great deal of thought, I'm still concerned about whether or not it's going in the right direction. I have never taken a risk and I think that's part of my problem. I'm stepping through a new door in August and I can't wait to hang that diploma on the wall over my desk. This is an English degree, with a minor in psychology. I wish that I could just pack a suitcase this Summer and, rather than taking two courses, go to Spain for two weeks with the husband.Unfortunately, I haven't got the money to travel like that and the mathematics courses are a necessity.
I wish I had travelled more in my life, but that will happen for me.  I just know it.  I'm basically nervous about money, which inhibits anything adventurous for me. So, many people I know travel around the country and some even for concerts.  I've done that a couple times, although not terribly far for a concert. The furthest my husband and I have gone was Connecticut.  Maybe one day I'll travel for a Richard Marx show or a Keith Urban show sometime in the near future.  Maybe I will even have a more exciting reason for embarking on a trip. 

Maybe I shouldn't be afraid of my future.  Maybe I shouldn't be afraid at all.  I should be brave and know that anything is possible.  I still have a lot of life ahead of me.  At least I think so.  I just wish that I wasn't constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I have to learn to enjoy life for all its bumps and obstacles.  This June is the hurdle of so many things, but when it passes, I can take a very deep breath and move on to something more interesting. 

Will I Ever Love This Month (A Mobile Blog)

Lately I've been thinking a great deal about the year that's passed. There are so many events that I'm proud of, those I wish never happened, and those that fell under the category of "nature's will." I've thought about my dealings with grief, my thoughts of my mother, school, friendly relationships, and the way I deal with my father and my sisters. I realize now how much of a rock Don, my husband, is in my life. The unstable ground that own parents treaded on for most of their lives and the crap that my mother left in her wake. Though I loved my mother dearly, her planning and feelings toward the aftereffects of her reckless lifestyle were more than immature. I'm not the picture of fiscal intelligence, but at least my husband and I are responsible individuals. My father's tackling of mere simple tasks, which I had no idea that he was clueless about, never seem to be accomplished and if I told you what those were, you wouldn't believe that someone could be that careless. When it comes to me, I'm trying to foster as much change in my life as possible. Some of this is to distance my self from that situation and some of it is to finally have an accomplishment and a life that is truly mine. I had radio, which I will always miss and I even briefly thought of communications, but it's not realistic for me at all. At least I don't think that really will be the right avenue to take. Honestly, once my husband and I find our way, I want to move as far away from my family as possible. I'm not talking about Donald's really. It's not that I do not love them, but I need some distance between us. It will improve our relationship significantly. As the anniversary of my mother's demise approaches, I can't help feeling happy that the start of my classes follows it. My life moves; my life moves on and my resentment will drain away. I will begin anew. I want to start think that June 29th is the date that my second shoe dropped and my life turned for the better. Would my mother have wanted it that way, who knows? I could never gauge that. My sister carries her ashed remains in an urn in her basement and I don't believe or at least I can't wrap my mind around an afterlife. I'm too much of a realist and I guess I find myself as one of those people who only believes in what they see. I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. I feel that if religion brings comfort to someone, they have every right to incorporate that practice into their lives and I have no room to judge them. I digress because, for some maudlin, ridiculous, reason, my sister is clinging on to my mother's remains instead of letting her go. I guess we have different ways of viewing life. I want to end some conditions this month and move on. I want to feel whole again and feel happy instead of broken. This month I gave up Facebook, not because I hated it or the people, but to enjoy a free life writing, reading, and facing people in the outside world instead of photographs on the internet or a player in a video game. I don't mind Tweeting, because honestly, it's less of a distraction. Twitter gives me links to the New York Times and other periodicals, and doesn't act merely in social ways. I'm away from my desk. This is another part of June that is different and new. Now I barely turn the computer on. Even now, I am writing from my Android phone. Believe it or not, once school starts, I may go back to it. Right now I am enjoying the freedom of being away from some prying eyes and the ability to share my writings on here alone. Hopefully, during this month, more prolific essays will emerge, but we'll see. In the meantime, I'm enjoy the Summer-like days that early June brings. I bid everyone a Happy Summer filled with sunshine, health, prosperity, and fun most of all!

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This Well I Have

Lately I have been struggling with this gnawing sadness in my life. Maybe I shouldn't use the word lately, because this has been ongoing for a long, long time. I have a wonderful husband who is a best friend and lover to me, I have a wonderful family who loves me dearly, but I feel this deep deficit in my life. Don't mistake this post as me feeling sorry for myself, because it's quite the contrary. I'm beginning to work out why my life is turning in this direction. I realize that my sadness comes from my inability to connect on a social level or, in simpler terms, I don't have many friends. I have been thinking this over for so long and maybe it's that I'm not likable or lack the type of personality that one would want to connect with as a friend. I wish I could pinpoint one exact cause for this issue, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I'm not going to lie; it does make my heart ache. It's funny, I can look at Facebook and see how many people end up on a list, but I'm still perplexed with the reasoning for connecting just for the sake of "doing so." I know that I have been guilty of that, but more for the sense of following the news of a musical artist, favorite designer, or a movie that's set to premiere. Sometimes Facebook makes me feel more lonely than I should, which is why I like to follow Twitter for it's impersonality and sometimes strict news factor. I digress. Maybe my foray into a new school will give me a chance to start new friendships and I won't feel so sad. Today I cried, because I really do feel like an oddity and someone who can never say the right thing. I want to say this, for the end of this post: If I have ever said anything out of turn, offputting, offensive, or disagreeable, I am sorry, because I'm not the best person in the world. I'm trying to improve and I am a work in progress.  Maybe it won't feel like a well of difficulty one day..

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Entering Summer

Summer is a precarious time for me.  For those who don't know my situation, let me paint it for you:  School is my one type of occupation.  Yes, that is really sad.  So during the Summer I have to find some sort of occupation to keep me from going stark raving mad from boredom.  I have to be careful about this task, because I can endanger my medicare and social security benefits by doing so.  So today, I have been spending most of my time pouring through the want-ads and hoping to find something that will suit me.  Getting a job is good for two reasons.  Not only will it cure the boredom problem, but it will also help me save for college this Autumn, which is very important.  I'm hoping to find a job before the beginning of classes, this Summer, so that I can make a cohesive schedule with my prospective employer.  Good luck to me!  The last time I worked, it was for a market research corporation called Centrac and that was from 1997 - 2000.  I don't even think that company exists anymore in this state.  I think their corporate office is in Maryland now.  I worked as a market researcher until I wasn't well enough to do it anymore.

I have set up my two classes that will prepare me for my completion and transfer to Georgian Court University.  I have to take Survey of Mathematics and Statistics.  I'm not upset about having to take two math courses this Summer, because they are both at night and only on Wednesday.  I'll have everything set up and done by August 3rd.  It's a bit scary, because there is so much that is going into this transfer.  In a way, I think that my husband is lucky that he was able to finish his education right at Kean at OCC.  I just wouldn't have received the classes that were necessary for my degree from that school.  Plus, I was able to get a scholarship through that school and I sorely needed that to complete my work.  I will probably end up doing my graduate work through GCU as well.  Hopefully I can do that work while I substitute teach or if I find work as a test proctor, tutor, or something of that nature.  Employment is so difficult, and I've seen friends who've struggled with more scholastic and employment experience that I have ever achieved.  I'm not going to be a defeatist about the situation and I'm going to work as hard as possible to find my place. 

There is no easy way out!

After the whole news story about the death of Osama Bin Laden, I've been thinking of the last ten years that our country has faced. We look at one person, whom is considered a mastermind of a devastating, horrible, tragedy, and we can focus on this person as a target. During this point in history our leader, at the time, was generating his "War on Terror," but failed to find him when he went on his crusade into Iraq and subsequently failed when he made his foray into Afghanistan. Now, after all of this time and after so many lives were taken, we finally have this person. Here is a quote from the former president: "So I don't know where he is. You know, I just don't spend that much time on him ..." -- George W. Bush, March 13, 2002. Does this mean that the level of importance for finding Osama Bin Laden was very low on his priority scale. That is something that makes me wonder a great deal. Even though this one point in history occurred, this doesn't scale back the war effort. It just rallies up the moral for those who've needed closure. Who could begrudge anyone of that? This doesn't mean that President Obama is any better in terms of making strides to end the war effort. I'm sure it will bring up his approval rating a tad but, otherwise, it just took care of a figurehead that espoused a toxic movement that created a larger more difficult problem. That is the obstacle that our government and military have to address. What was the impetus that caused such hatred? Do you think the "cowboy justice" mentality that Bush and many other politicians, including President Obama most recently, makes it all better? I think not! I think it makes our government and our country look extremely unintelligent. It doesn't help that our media sinks us deeper into that abyss but, tbat can take another blog post to discuss.

I think that as Americans, we have to step away from our prejudicial politics and see the greater picture. We have a poor economy and no matter what party that you belong to, it won't go away without an intelligent plan. I've seen a great deal of imbeciles, no matter what angle they come from, that lack any cohesive plans to find a well-rounded difference for both the problems at home and abroad. They are too busy shaking down our president for birth certificates, screaming about small government, or crying "socialist." The ones who aren't into that are interested in pushing for the war effort without any set direction or finding apathy when it comes to financial repair. You know Donald Trump can scream his "birther" rants and raves, but why doesn't he help the impoverished in the midwest. They need employment and affordable housing terribly. Mr. Trump has plenty of cash to throw in that direction I'm sure. He's another nail in the unintelligent casket. Why would anyone want to see him as president? Honestly that reality show peddling asswipe is just a nuisance. I would rather see Bloomberg first, and he's even smart enough to stay away from that job.

I digress, if we took the time to find out what the true motivations were behind 9/11, other than religious suicide, maybe we can settle further disputes. We took the time to train somebody like Bin Laden, so we found a use for him. Charlie Wilson, former Texas Congressman of the US House of Representatives, helped fund his education and military training, along with the CIA. They even glamorized it with a movie! Not really what they really trying to prove with that movie, but it was interesting nonetheless. I think that Obama's apathetic behavior with so many issues is going to remove him come election time, but I'm surely not going to look toward someone like Mitt Romney as a substitution. Who will be a rational choice? What joke will they find next? I feel for our president, because he doesn't seem stupid. He's just not proactive at a time when we need that type of person. One incident isn't going to save a floundering adminstration. I'm a liberal and I never thought that he had anything to offer from the get go. It had nothing to do with his birthplace or party; it was his platform. He had nothing! What change was he looking for? I'm still wondering!

Easter Memories

Today, even though I had a great brunch with family, I was feeling so ill at ease. It night seem strange, because you are supposed enjoy the time with your loved ones. As I got my first cup of coffee, I realized that my husband was at work today and my mother was gone. It felt so irregular without my Mother-in-Law Linda, and the rest of the family as well. Just so many differences. My mother loved Easter, and still bought candy for us, even as we became adults. Of course that candy, eventually, came with flowers as we grew up. My Mother-in-Law would have dinner with us and my Father-in-Law, Sister-in-Law, and Brother-in-Law, and Mom would have Dad, Lenore, Tim, Don and I for brunch at the restaurant of our choosing earlier that day. I can even recall when I was a kid going to Easter breakfast at my grandmother's house. That was always an elaborate banquet of food.

The wind up for Easter, in my family, was never the same pomp and circumstance as Christmastime, although you had the annual Allaire State Park Easter Egg Hunt, which was always fun. You had your visit to the Easter Bunny, which resulted in a coloring book, maybe some candy, and a healthy fear of people in rabbit costumes. Most of them just smelled like dust and pee. Santa, was much the same in the smell department, with a less menacing face. Santa got NORAD and transportation to deliver frivolous amounts of toys, and the Easter Bunny encourages the consumption of tooth rotting, weight gaining candy by giving baskets of it away.

Easter was easy, because I didn't have to make a list. Christmas is when you poured through the Toys "R" Us circulars and chart which toys you absolutely wanted under that tree. Most of the time parents just picked the ones they could afford or chose evenly for the both of us and then call it quits when it came to that holiday. Whereas on Easter, they pretty much bought two gorgeous baskets and a basket in the middle to share. I used to call that the community basket. A great deal of the candy was Russell Stover, which was Mom's favorite. I'm convinced it was her segue into sampling some of the marshmallow bunnies.

Everything, when it came to these points in the year, was surrounded with love and, even though I'm not religious, I still feel that void. Holidays were a special time for my Mother and she took great pains to make everyone feel special. She had this unwavering faith that everything she did had a purpose and that a higher power always had a plan for everyone. I don't think that's true, because she definitely had her own order. The holidays were always the way she planned them, even when I was hosting them, and it seems so alien to have it any other way now.

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Waste of Money

I have to ask this question:  Why the hell would anyone spent their hard earned money on a ticket to see Charlie Sheen's one man show?  I was watching some news clips and there was one man who spent $300 on a ticket to see that moron.  That is ridiculous!  What happened to sensibility?  Did it fall out the fucking window and hit the ground twelve stories below?  He was booed and half of his audience left on his first trip to the Radio City Music Hall.  I do have a humorous little tidbit from his most recent "winning" second performance in NYC:  James Lipton asks, "What is your favorite curse word?" Charlie Sheen responded, "Either 'fuck' or 'Denise.'"  I never knew that my name was bangin' enough for a curse word but, hey, you never know.  More or less that corresponds with his intense hatred of Denise Richards, which is more of a violent thing.    

Traveling Through Life

Sometimes you go through the inner discussion in your life where you say, "Who am I?  Where did I come from?  Where am I going?"  You get to that point where you ask questions, such as those, about the value of your life and it's goals.  During our lives, most of us want to conceptualize the way our lives will work out.  We want to know the places that we'll go and we try to make these foolproof master-plans.  This comes from the basic need to be healthy, happy, successful, and prosperous.  It's a natural human instinct that we all aspire to no matter what situation we come from.  We have different versions of what those terms might be, but they all have a common thread.  When life takes a person to a place they don't necessarily plan on, we feel this gravity of a mistake or something has gone wrong.  This can often be disheartening and discouraging to a person, but can cause the rudimentary human trait to reason why this happens. 

Going through trials and tribulations creates a sense of reality.  The hardest parts in our lives train us to form gratitude and a sense of humility.  Sometimes the obstructions, our weariness, our experiences, and our situation in life can change the course, but you get the education of the adventure.  Life is fickle and subject to change no matter what outlines or planning we put into it.  Buddhists say that you have to rest with the fact that nothing is permanent, and that is a hard thing to swallow.  As humans, we love to cling onto everything, but you can't take everything with you.  Learning to let go is the hardest part and even if you dedicate most of your life learning that discipline, you still may never truly get it.  The true learning experience is that we can stopping worrying about what needs to happen and focus on being flexible as a person.  You can achieve your goals, even though there are some curves and obstacles you must travel along the way.  Learning to enjoy the trip is the best part of living. 

I'm Going to Miss Radio

I am so going to miss my radio station job here at the college when the semester ends!  I'm sitting here right now behind the mic and really loving what I do here.  I get to play my favorite tunes and share them with as many people who will listen, plus I get to share my banter here and there.  It's the best opportunity that I've been allowed to have here on campus.  I don't think that I will be following through with it as a profession, but I will never forget how happy this has made me.  I've been lucky enough to be able to do some charity work through this as well.  Next semester, I will have a whole new journey to embark on, but these are memories that will always stay with me.  I'm more than thankful that I can have this much fun right now.  I've even plugged my favorite singers and artists on here, which has been great fun.  I get to play everything from metal to country to rhythm and blues, without a set format.  It's my dream playlist of all time.  Nothing is ever perfect and that's college radio, but I've learned a great deal from the experience.  I've gotten a chance to use equipment that I've never tried before and I've put my public speaking skills to the test.  Definitely one of the best times of my life.

The Second Half of My Education Continues

I was accepted to Georgian Court University today.  I don't know if I should feel all that excited about it, being that it is a local university, but I think it's pretty big in scale.  Tonight, I am going to fill in all of my FAFSA information and make my appointment with advising.  I have only one obstacle standing in my way, a math class.  They want me to take Survey of Mathematics to round out my requirements.  Now this isn't a big deal to me.  I would rather do this than calculus or statistics, so I'm not really complaining or grumbling all that much over the issue.  There are many other issues that I have to deal with when it comes to preparing for this school that are far more challenging than my last Ocean County College requirement.  Of course, these issues have nothing to do with my academic life.   There are things that I will miss about coming to OCC, like my radio work at Viking Radio, but there will be other things to occupy my time I'm sure.  I never thought that I would be doing all of this in my late thirties, but better late than never at all.  I have a classmate in my Biology class who is older than me and she is taking classes so that she can go into the biomedical field.  I find that even more inspiring to me, because it gives me more incentive to pursue my dreams.

The thing about OCC is that it's not really like a university in that it's a very relaxed atmosphere when it comes to most curriculum, grading, and classroom environment.  In fact, not to criticize some of the instructors that work at this institution, I think some of them just come here to teach part-time as a means of not fully retiring or not dedicating themselves to a full workload.  I have an instructor like that this semester, and I feel like I'm really not learning all that much from a lecture perspective.  All of the literature from the course, that I read on my own time, makes up for most of it.  So I have to take into consideration that my next step isn't Hooper High, it's a real university.  Not all of the instructors from OCC are like this though, because I have some really wonderful professors over my time here.  These are the people who really cared about their students and taught me.  My favorite English professor at OCC, William Kanouse, improved my writing skills by one-hundred-fifty percent.  Unfortunately, Prof. Kanouse passed away a few years back.  He was the toughest teacher I've had, but I learned a great deal.  My former Shakespeare professor, Dr. Botein is awesome too!  I really found a new interest in the plays through her class.  I'll miss classes like those.  There are good and bad apples, as they say, wherever you go.

I had gone through different choices about what to do with the rest of my educational career and I have come down to two different paths.  One is to pursue an English/Education degree that I can use to teach with, and the other is pursuing Journalism, which is very uncertain.  I have been accepted into the teaching program at the Woman's College at Georgian Court University, but I am going to minor in communications and journalism.  I want to keep those hopes alive in case I want to change majors sometime in the future.  The bonus with going into their teaching program is that I get the inclusive courses in the No Child Left Behind program, which will add to my certifications.  This will be a tough course-load, but I am willing to work hard.  I realize that all of the radio dreams and all of that will not be part of my future right now, but you never know how things will change later on.  I'm not completely counting it out right yet.  I'm really excited about my life right now and I can't wait to be a student at GCU.

A little catch up :)

It's been a very busy time for me lately and I haven't really written anything on this blog in quite a while.  With that thought in mind, I thought that I would make a little journal post to catch everyone up on everything that I have been doing and everything that has occurred since I've last written on here.  As you all know, I have finally come to my last semester at Ocean County College.  Finally I raised enough courage to sign up to Georgian Court University, and I am waiting for my acceptance letter.  Hopefully that will arrive sometime soon.  If it does, I may actually follow up and register for classes.  Hopefully there won't be so many issues that will get in my way of following through with the other half of my education.  They were really helpful at the admissions office.   I wanted to get my time-sheets from the radio station so that I can list them as my clubs.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out for the best, because I am really nervous about all of it.   I was thinking about life decisions over the past month.  Mostly because of rite of passage and its many forms.  I realize now, and I really tossed and turned over my life for a while, that I'm comfortable with my husband, my pets and I as a little family.  I love that I am pursuing a bright new future and that I'm broadening my horizons every day.  I couldn't imagine climbing up a mountain and achieving so much, only to stop at its precipice and turn around.  I would die inside and nothing could ever spell reward in lieu of losing your best chances.

My cat Stubby has Diabetes Mellitus.  I found this out a couple weeks ago.  My husband and I have to give him insulin twice a day and keep him on a special diet.  We noticed that he was losing a great deal of weight even though he was eating and drinking a lot.  My husband thought it was a change of diet, but I just knew it was something more.  When he became listless, we took him straight to the vet.  I thought it was either cancer or his kidneys.  I never, in a million years, would have pegged Diabetes as the cause.  So far, they have upped the dosage once.  Hopefully, this new dosage will do the trick.  He seems to be more lively and putting on a bit more weight.  I'm hoping that it will stay on that course.  Stubby goes back to the vet in a couple weeks to be tested for his blood sugar levels.  I really wish that I could test those with one of those glucose meters that you can get from the drug store.  This way I would know sooner, plus I would save money.  Stubby even has his own prescription plan from Walgreens now.  It does reduce the costs of the insulin and other products needed for the injections.  

I had to do some DJ work for my station's Anything But Clothes Dance Party.  This thing has been sitting in the works for what seemed like ages.  Finally, on the 11th, it finally proceeded.  You would think that with all of the preplanning that it would have gone off famously.  It was the absolute opposite.  Aside from the fact that we gave the homeless people who attended a good time, we had barely anyone who attended the event.  We barely raised any money at all.  I felt really embarrassed honestly, because the people who ran the organization deserved more than what they received that evening.  For what it was worth, at least I was able to get some new pajamas and slippers out of the deal.  The food, even though some of it was provided by Fridays and the Olive Garden, was quite terrible.  I was never really reimbursed for anything that I purchased for the event either, which pisses me off so unbelievably.  Here is the bottom line:  What was considered to be preplanning, was never preplanning at all.  It was all done on the fly.  It was a shame that it all turned out that way.  I don't really blame anyone really, because it was just poor planning.  I blame some of the difficulty on Student Life and some on misguidance in general.

I have been on an Amy Tan kick lately.  I have never read her novels before until recently.  I don't really know why honestly.  I guess I just never thought about it.  I started with the Bonesetter's Daughter and now I am reading the Joy Luck Club.  The next one I want to read is Saving Fish From Drowning.  I get on kicks when it comes to writers.  I thrive on novelists like Maeve Binchy, Amy Tan, Jhumpa Lahiri, and Lisa See.  Stuff that's not too hokey or too cotton candy for my liking.  I tried reading that type of stuff over the last four years and was very disappointed.  I'm gearing up to buy a copy of Jane Eyre to read again and a copy of Madame Bovary.  I have a study group for a project that is being done for my Communications Law class.  We have to research and discuss a libel case for a presentation during class time.  So my group went to the library with me.  For some of them, and these were second year students, it was the first time that had even entered the school library.  I was stunned honestly.  I couldn't even believe that someone couldn't even utilize the library.  I was told, "What is the use of the library, when you have the internet?"  To which I replied, "How could you not find the time to read or use books for research at all?"

I had a very nice Spring Break.  I spent most of the time with my husband and enjoyed having some leisure in my life.  On the weekend, I went out on Saturday dancing with my sister at Club Ego and then on Sunday, we went to Philadelphia for the day.  We had lunch at Joy Tsin Lau and enjoyed facials at Angel Natural Beauty, then we went to South Street to do some shopping.  I bought my husband's birthday gifts while I was there.  It was nice, because I was able to do that without him being around to snoop.  The facial was especially relaxing.  My skin felt awesome afterward, although I could've done with less steam.  They were trying to push some of their products to sell on me, but I wormed out of buying any of that crap.  I can buy all of that where I live.  No reason for me to spend all of that overhead in another state.  I'm back at school now, and I'm glad to be back in the swing of things.  I've got my new glasses that I'd ordered and I can see much better now.  I'm also writing this from the brand new Mac computer in the library lab.  I'm loving it!

Springtime

I'm feeling my best right now and the reason is simple.  It's the month of March!  As the last frosty remnants of Winter begin to depart, we begin to see this natural renewal.  Being that Spring is right at our bootheels, we feel this unavoidable need to unclutter our lives.  During the Winter, we accumulate and store just as anyone would as we insulate ourselves from the cold in our homes.  It's when the warm winds blow that we feel the need to unburden ourselves and commense Spring cleaning.  This is the season that we allow ourselves to open the windows, wear short sleeves, and enjoy the beauty of the outdoors.  We feel the urge to eat fresh fruits, go to farm markets, and arrange fresh flowers.  The season that we feel the warmth of the sunshine and the glow of the verdant green landscape.  Spring is that magical time that lets me take a deep breath and feel alive.  Springtime is the poetic inspiration that shows that maybe we might too change, release the burdens of the past, and move on to a brighter future.  The earth cycle of renewal is the magic that we are all lucky, as humans, to behold.

Charlie Sheen... An Example of What Not to Do (A Mobile Blog)

I've always wondered how these celebrities become so adrift in life. Take Charlie Sheen, for instance, he has a family and still pisses it all away with drugs and wayward behavior. You can chalk that up toward mental illness, which many people suffer and self medicate through alcoholism or substance abuse. I struggle with depression and anxiety, which is definitely tedious if you don't have the proper medical treatment. I viewed the ABC interview that Charlie Sheen made and, though it had extreme moments of comedy and absurdity, it was very disturbing. It seemed to exploit a man who was obviously ill as a source of entertainment for the American Public and the rest of the world. I guess we are all guilty for needing to see something like that in one way or another. I can help feeling that it places mental illness and addiction in the same classification as the term "freak show" or "side show" to be less insulting. It gives these conditions even more of a stigma by glamorizing them in the media. The difference is that most of these people will have the money to get "clean" or rehabilitated, but the average person may not even have the healthcare to make the first step. These are the ones who end up self medicating, because they can't afford quality care. I've been lucky to have never struggled with healthcare or addiction issues, but I can sympathize with those who do, because I know the difficult road they have to travel. That's what angers me about people like Charlie Sheen, because he can throw away an indispensable amount of cash to get rehab, but the average person would never have the luxury to get that type of medical attention. Instead he just chooses to make himself a folly for network television so he can flaunt his ridiculous toxic behavior. I think that CBS had every right to cancel his show, because he's not the example people should see once a week. I think he should give the money he isn't using to get help and donate it to rehabilitation centers to give healthcare to those who can afford it. I doubt that'll happen... HA! I may not want people to be exploited, but I watched the Charlie Sheen interview knowing that I didn't feel sorry for him. Someone who acts and threatens people the way that man does, isn't the type who is looking for a change of lifestyle.  Even though Charlie Sheen said, "I blinked and I cured my brain!"  It was more like "I took speed and it's making me act like an insane idiot."

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Two Fold Post (A Mobile Blog)

This is the first fold of this journal passage: Depressive thoughts. Do you think that if you are sad, or if you feel overwhelmed by your life, that you should be allowed to keep that to yourself? I know that I have done that in the past. It can be a frightening undertaking to deal with one's emotions on your lonesome, but I've done it. Many times I've dealt with hard knocks discreetly and I think it was less than valorous, but it saved other people from looking at some of the more sad parts of my existence. Sometimes I still grapple with that type of pain, but I've learned to channel that into other more creative avenues. I'm no poet or songwriter, by any stretch of the imagination, but I can put my thoughts on paper or on the virtual page and let it go from my heart. Sometimes I wonder if it's really wise to throw the sentences on here, because I'm always wondering if people will think less of me. Then I laugh at myself and say, "Why am I being so damn insecure all the time?!" Maybe everything I'm thinking right now is complete drivel. Some people are lucky enough to be able to write whatever they'd like and not regret one sentence. I wish that I was that free with my compositions, because it wouldn't be such a heartache every time I'd sit down to the computer or flick the editor up on Android. I know a few people who have that ease and they aren't the best writers in the world honestly.

Now I come to the second fold of this journal entry: My feelings right now! I've been falling into this indifferent slump where I'm finding myself separate from the world in a way that I never felt possible. I kind of feel embarrassed to even write this, because I feel this ineptitude to explain my difficulties to anyone in the flesh. You can call me a blatant coward or you can, also, call me someone who is entirely too thrifty to hire an analyst. The thing is that I've sat in the inside therapy circle and I know the self-help psychobabble, which doesn't help my case one inch. There is a stigma attached to getting help, and yes some people do look at you in the Girl Interrupted or One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest kind of way. You can tell people to fuck themselves if they carry prejudicial thoughts of you, because there isn't anything wrong for seeking treatment for depression. It's better than the alternative, I can assure you. You can't ridicule someone until you've travelled a mile in their moccasins. I used to think was a droll little saying, but it has a very real meaning. I digress to my earlier discussion, because lately I'm not sure if what I'm doing is the right thing. I feel like I'm walking on quicksand and I can't find my footing. My husband seems to feel very assured and I don't really grasp how that occurs. I see other people do the most ridiculous things and they make it. How does this happen? Am I too sad to make a risk? Right now, the best I can do is work hard at mt studies. It's the one part of life that I have distinct control over. Hopefully, I will have the answers to those questions one day. As it stands, I'm trying to do the best with what I'm given.

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Just Plain Catching Up

I'm finally feeling the edge of Spring like a light at the end of the dark cold tunnel.  Today I went from class to class without bundling up and it felt like a weight had been lifted off of me.  For most people who really know me well, know that I hate Winter with the same fury that I have for daytime television.  After all of that snow and ridiculous garbage that we've had this season, I was more than ready to feel a bit of a heat wave.  It's the one thing that takes the miserable edge off your day.  Seems kind of trivial when you think about it but, to me, it heralds the season of baseball.  Baseball, next to the NFL, is my favorite sport and I miss it dearly.  I miss going to MLB games.  I firmly intend on attending one or two this year.  I'm liking the way the Phillies are looking this year, so maybe I'll try to get Phils, Yanks tickets.  You never know!  It may happen for me.  Those tickets are probably harder to get than a cold. 

WOCC Viking Radio is getting ready to do a benefit to improve our station and to benefit Lakewood Outreach.  My husband has done some flyers and we want to do some advertisements around campus.  I'm thinking about doing a charity auction through my show for the station and for the Epilepsy Foundation.  Something to think about.  Radio is always so much fun for me.  I never get bored with it at all.  I do my show again this Saturday and I'm thrilled.  I'm really sad to be leaving OCC at the end of this Spring, because I have to leave the station for good!  I want to make sure that when I leave this school, I'm doing something that I love.  Radio seems to be something I adore and I want to pursue that, but I'm not sure where to go to make that dream a reality.  I'm still thinking about colleges.  Oh and speaking of my radio show, please listen to me.  I'm on Monday from 5:00 - 7:00 PM EST, Wednesday 11:00 - 1:45 PM EST, and Saturday from 10:00 AM to 1:00 PM EST.  Click here to Listen Live!  I know I'm shameless. 

I have a complaint or a small rant if you will.  You know, there are people in this world that talk about the same damn topic in every blog post that they compose or every word that they put on Facebook.  It really makes me think that their world is limited to one item in their lives or one life experience.  Listen, there are so many different facets and experiences that the world has to offer.  Pick up a newspaper or maybe even read different websites or books.  Watch documentaries, go to a museum, or even catch some foreign films.  For goodness sakes, stop talking about one thing.  It reduces the commonality between anyone else by 75 fucking percent!  Live life before someone else has to live it for you.  I was thinking to myself, "Damn, I'm going to be 39!"  You know what though, at least I won't slow down and saddle down to one thing in my life and get completely lost.  There are people who have children, have a great education, and share all that life has to offer with their families and live such fruitful lives.  People who aren't lost in the mist of something and wasting talents that are so desperately in need to be shared with the world.  Well anyway, that just happened. 

I've been trying to stave away from heavy dairy products and I'm only halfway there, although I have been eliminating a major part of red meat intake from my diet these days.  I broke for a steak once when I went to a dinner a couple weeks ago, but on the whole, I haven't been eating red meat at home.  The best part about the whole scene is that I'm not eating chicken either.  Just fish and veggies.  I don't drink whole milk or skim, just almond milk.  I want to eventually eliminate cheese from my diet entirely as well.  I'm trying very hard, but it's a rough road.  I really applaud those who are able to master a vegetarian lifestyle, because it's really tough.   I want to be healthier, but I'm battling soda as a vice.  I need to get rid of that problem.  Those who've known from classes before or know me personally as a friend, probably know what I'm talking about. 

Anyway, that's my life at the present moment.  Not really that deep for the most part.  I'm enjoying my classes for the most part.  Algebra and Biology make me a bit sleepy, but I can handle that.  I love my Communications Law class the most and second is my Native American Literature class.  I was even late to that class and it was still good.  Of course, that was because I don't drive and I had to wait on transportation.  I watched a good movie the other day.  Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.  I mean, it wasn't as good as the original, but it definitely had a different angle on the original premise of the story.  For a sequel, which I thought would bomb horribly, it was actually quite entertaining.  Charlie Sheen even made a cameo as Bud Fox.  Michael Douglas was very different in the role of Gordon Gecko this time around.  Definitely a good rental.  Netflix it!  That's all I have for now.  I hope that you are enjoying your week and the delightful weather, if that's what's been coming your way.  One more thing that I need to add for good measure.... I am never going to apologize for my personality, the way I speak with people, or my thoughts as I write them or say them.  I've done that for far too long.  I'm not out to deliberately hurt someone, but I'm not going to censor myself just to make everyone feel better about themselves.

The Gift of Love

Throughout time love has been the poignant theme for composers, writers, artisans, actors, playwrights, and filmmakers. Love is primal, passionate, kind, giving, pure, and the most unpredicatable of all emotions. Love is the strongest of all emotions and carries with it a cryptic and enigmatic quality that makes it endure. Love is hard to define and, in fact, has so many facets that it's definition cannot be purely ascertained. Love creates many different actions, such as self-sacrifice, commitment, caring, and romance. Even though there is no pure definition, love is the one emotion that exhilarates, motivates, and causes us to change.

Like a great current, that is unidentifiable, love is most often recognized in it's wake. As we eclipse the frontiers of our own ego, we can let go our guard to be loved or love someone else. We can remember to love ourselves just enough to love someone else. Let down our barriers to experience peace, compassion, and true joy. We can remember the excitement and fulfillment that it brings and the satisfaction we feel in our heart. Whether this is a relationship with a lover, your bond as a parent with a child, the commitment of friendship, or sisterhood, the harvest of fulfillment is one of great comfort.

There is a great actuality when it comes to the emotion of love: It is fleeting. The reason for this is that life is fleeting. The most passionate of loves can die quickly or can endure for years. The one unflappable, unchanging notion of love is that it's not learned. Love is something that comes from humanity, and it's many different experiences and emotions that can augment or bury that emotion. Fear is the biggest factor that causes humanity to bury love, along with the lack of self-worth. By the time some people realize that there are healthy outlets for their emotions, it's too late. You have to remember that you are worth loving and you have to love yourself. That is the most important part of the game of life. That is the true Gift of Love.

Duo

Went to see another wonderful Duo show again last night. Duo is the combination of the wonderful music stylings of songwriter Richard Marx and Vertical Horizon frontman and songwriter Matt Scannell. The combination is simply wonderful. If you've never seen them play yet, you've must. I went to see them at the South Orange Performing Arts Center in my home state of New Jersey. It was a very nice cozy venue, which gave way to an even better experience for these two wonderful artists. They both played their tried and true favorites, such as Scannell's Best I Ever Had and We Are, while Marx played hits such as Don't Mean Nothing, and Should've Known Better. They took the time to include some newer songs as well, such as When You Loved Me and I'm Not Running, along with a collaboration recording called Always On Your Mind. They even took the time to sit on the edge of the stage to sing that very song. It was definitely a very powerful experience. Other great highlights included Scannell's passionate rendition of Give You Back and Marx's closing song of Right Here Waiting on piano. It reminded me of his original version from the earlier years. I've seen many Duo shows, but this one blew me away. Catch one when they come to your hometown!

http://www.verticalhorizon.com http://www.richardmarx.com

A Passing

Recently, my brother-in-law's beloved father, Tony, passed away. My heart is breaking for David and his family, because I know the pain and loss they are going through. Tony was a very kind person that I wish I could have gotten to know better. When something like this happens, especially to a parent or spouse, it's hard to make sense of it all. Everything seems to be on such shaky ground and all you want to do is find solace and remember things as they once were. At school, I was having a conversation with a buddhist monk from a monastery in India. It was funny, because I never thought that I would meet a Tibetan monk, but he was one of the most calm people that I have ever come across. As he smiled at me, I explained what happened to me and I told him that I really wasn't a great model for Buddhist detachment. He chuckled and told me that he was still learning to deal with that very thing. We talked a bit about loss. Maybe the monk I saw at the college today was right, "Impermanence is a fact of life, and sometimes we have to find acceptance in that." I just don't know if I can grasp that concept sometimes or even at all.

Tomorrow I will be nurturing someone who had the kind and generous heart to nurture me and my family when we needed to be comforted during a very difficult moment in life. I feel so sad and heartbroken for him and for his family. I still ask myself this question: "Why do we have to go through such deep pain and grief in life?" It's probably an age old question that will never be truly answered. You can surmise it with different philosophical angles, but you can't really answer it in the definite sense. We will all suffer and there is no way around it, and in some way we have to find peace with that. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to do that in this lifetime, no matter how much effort I put in to the process. I couldn't ask someone else to even try to do that. I just feel that we have to make sure that we love and care for the people that we surround ourselves with and just enjoy and cherish the time we have with them. Tony was blessed to have such a wonderful family and, hopefully, they will keep all of those loving memories of him in their hearts forever. That is definitely the most important parts to grasp onto, because they will always be yours no matter what.

Changing Schools (A Mobile Blog)

It's my last semester at Ocean County College and I'm finally starting to check out other schools. People tell me that this is the fun part, but I disagree for many reasons. I've been working on an English degree for what seems like eons, but I've always felt the need to write or have something to do with media. When my work with college radio came along, I started to wonder whether or not English was worth it to me. I had thought about taking another semester at OCC and completing the communications requisites, but that would mean wasting more time at a two year school. Another quandary is locale which, in my case, is a big fucking deal along with transportation. I've talked to the admissions counselor at Georgian Court University so far, but I'm not ruling out other schools. It's scary honestly and I just want to know that everything is done for the right reasons. I want pursue a career path that will make both happy and fulfilled, plus earn me enough money to live comfortably. I'm hoping to find a school to head me in the right direction. I'm going to work as hard as humanly possible this semester and enjoy the last months on campus. Things will be good!

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