A Little Journalling

The semester is ending and I can't believe that I am saying this but, I am almost sad.  I'm going to miss the every day rush of going to the college, researching, and working on school projects.  Even the tedious exams are going to be missed.  The most interesting facet of this semester is my work at the radio station, which will be on respite for part of December and the bulk of January.  I really love dj'ing and learning from my experiences there.  I'm going to start taking some communcations courses at the college, and possibly pursue it.  Next semester, the radio station will be taking part in a benefit to raise money, improve the equipment, and go fully digital.  I never thought that I would enjoy scholastic pursuits so much when I decided to go back to college a few years ago.  Now I couldn't be more grateful for doing so.  I'm hoping that I won't feel the Winter blahs through the end of December and January, because I have to say that they are not my favorite times of year.  I'm going to catch up on some reading, get out a bit, and maybe learn to enjoy myself.  I've kind of lost the art of enjoying myself this year.

I finished some holiday shopping this year.  I wasn't really going to do that this year, but I looked at my father over lunch and I couldn't opt out of the season this year.  Feeling festive was really hard for me and not just because of the obvious things.  Having that type of motivation has always been a bit difficult for me.  The holidays have always come at a point when something awful happens or things have been very difficult.  That tends to change your outlook on that.  You start to have a crisis in that vain.   I'm muddling through and feeling alright about things for the most part.  My husband and I usually make a reservation for a nice hotel the night before so that we can enjoy a fun night away before the hectic day ahead.  I've already made those arrangements for us.  It's a little Yuletide gift from me.  Just a little romantic rendezvous for the two of us.

Winter

When the plants begin to wither, the flowers cease to hold their bloom, the leaves fall from the trees, and the unyielding chill appears, Winter rears it's frigid head for all to see.  Though we think of this as the period of death, it's really just a period of rest.  Winter is the necessity of life as the earth goes through it's period of change, which really goes unnoticed for the most part aside from the obvious signs.  Just as a parent prepares to have a child, the earth gestates it's cycle of life.  Snow and ice mask the once lush and green landscape, leaving a bleak canvas.  It's part of humanity to want the warmth and comfort of Springtime.  The images of growth inspire hope and the bright colors nurture the happiest parts of our psyche.  The remembrance that the barren trees will once again sprout beautiful green leaves and the snow covered ground will eventually melt away to lush green grass, is the energy that sustains us.

During the darker months, we celebrate this process of change and enjoy the hearth of the fire, the comfort of a blanket, a cup of hot chocolate, and the coziness of a hand knit wool sweater.  Venturing out into the cold can be an invigorating exercise as well.  The joy of the glistening first snow as it crunches under your feet brings out our youngest childhood memories of snow days off from school.  These pleasures kindle our inner fire that we concentrate on ourselves, our friends, and our families.  We celebrate traditions, focus on charity, and share that flame to nurture the warmth and energy throughout the colder months.  We learn from the stages of the earth as the solstice comes, the earth hits its coldest, and slowly warms.  Laughing, eating, enjoying the company of others, sleeping, and even just enjoying the pleasure of a book happens as the process moves eventually toward the Spring.  For every Winter, there is a beautiful Springtime to behold.  The timeless wonder of life abounds throughout every year.

Harvesting Thanks

Even if we aren't always sure of the true historical accuracy or roots of the holiday, as Americans, we take the time every year to celebrate the holiday commonly known as Thanksgiving.  We coin it as a time where family and friends gather together to eat copious amounts of foodstuffs as part of a gratitude for everything good in our lives.  Usually this tradition includes roasting a large turkey with it's many trimmings, such as stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and so on.  I've always found it amazing that it seemed to be the one holiday that removed the issue of gifts and almost seemed completely untainted, aside from the blurring of the historical inaccuracies.  Although today, many people cook different items other than turkey as their main course.  For me and my husband, Thanksgiving isn't about pilgrims or anything remotely of that vain.  It's about the harvest and the celebration of Autumn's bounty.  The occasion to celebrate the last warm days of the year with a feast and know that better things are to come. 

Whether we hear the calls of the geese as they fly south toward their destinations for the Winter or we smell the crisp Autumn air, this is the earth's cycle in action and it has a profound effect on each of our lives.  The harvest season is a time of reflection of the beauty we've enjoyed during the Summer months, and prepares us for the cooler months that are approaching.  We incorporate rituals, celebrations, and traditions, like Thanksgiving, to keep the spirit of the harvest alive long into the dead of the Winter months.  Take some time to contemplate and reflect on the events of the year during the holiday.  Autumn is about abundance and gratitude for all of our accomplishments, but it's also about the colors and wonder we experience as the season progresses.  We find gratitude in the festive and beautiful nature of change, whether it's consuming a slice of apple pie with family, taking a ride in the country to look the trees in their Autumnal colors, watching the Macy*s Thanksgiving Day parade or even channelling your youth by jumping in a pile of raked leaves. We can find beauty in the transitory because, in this Autumnal season, it's all around us.

Taking a Break (A Mobile Blog)

"Sometimes you need a little time away, just for a day..." as Chicago so eloquently put. It's absolutely true! Taking a break from stressful conditions is the best thing you can do for yourself. It could be from your work, your friends, your family, or just from the every day surroundings of home. This break could come in the form of a vacation, day trip, or even just a movie alone. The escape from the stressor can make all of the difference. Changing holiday plans is another way to relieve stress. Maybe spending time alone, with your friend(s), or with your mate is a great alternative to spending the holiday in a crowded family household. Learning to single out your triggers and dealing with them is important. If you suffer from anxiety, that is of particular importance. My husband and I have decided to take a different approach to the holiday and spend it alone. I've also taken the time to pamper myself by going to a movie or dinner alone. Both of these options felt so refreshing. When you deal with the holidays, you have to make sure that your family understands that sometimes you need to make your life your own. This has to be that way with everything you do. The same goes with friends and even your significant other. You have to make yourself happy. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Posted via email from Summer Writing

Sisterly Compassion? No F@*king Way!

Now that I have blocked certain content from being viewed by certain parties, I can explain some things.  In my life I have always thought to treat both of my sisters and their mates as equals.  I've never thought less of either of them, whether something went wrong or we disagreed for some reason or another.  I've never harped on their shortcomings or their mistakes, but I've hit my limit with the mistake of being treated like dogshit.  When give proper respect, I would think that amount of respect and decorum would be reciprocated.  For my younger sister, this was never the case.  She has never treated me as an equal.  She has a scorching sense of entitlement and carries what I call the "Queen Bee Syndrome," whereas everyone has move according to her plans.  For some odd reason, she has this matriarchal way about her and treats me like I'm an imbecilic eight year old child by continually insulting me and demanding me to stop the productive things in my life to move according to her whims.  She then expects me to spend time with her and enjoy her company during the holiday.  When my mother passed away, even though she didn't see it first hand as I did, she seemed to take it as if she felt most of the blow.  What she doesn't realize, and maybe this was from a lack of experience, is that she hasn't a clue how I feel about it and maybe doesn't even realize how Dad or Don feels about it.  All three of us saw it, and she never did.  I watched my mother kill herself slowly, and I tried to stop her.  Did she try?  No!  Did she have to watch that?  No!  My father never tried to stop it!  He was her enabler.  Everyone, including my baby sister and except my husband, forget that fact.  I never had time to grieve, because I was busy comforting her or comforting Dad or comforting my older sister for most of it.  I had to go to school and I had to move on with my life, so I didn't have time for that.  My body did that for me, and it still is.  I have no sense of entitlement, unless you count respect and dignity.  I believe that I have a right to be treated as an adult, who has lost her mother too, and deserves the same dignity and respect that I've given her.  Instead, I get a verbal slap in the face by an ungrateful bitch who cries, but assumes that I don't deserve to.  Oh, lest we forget that she fucked my Mother's obituary royally with her crappy grammar mistakes and poor sentence structure.  It looks it was written by a first grader after they drank a whole bottle of Jim Beam.  Wait, saying that it was written by a first grader is an insult to first graders everywhere!  I was so mad that I had to write my own version of the obituary so that I never had to look at the one in the paper.  I was embarrassed for my father and for the rest of my family!

Here is another example of my sister's ridiculousness: When my older sister found out she had a lump in her breast, I talked to her on the phone and I offered to be with her on the day of the tests.  My little sister made a snide remark, saying that I should "call her" as if I never spoke to her at all.  How would I ever throw something like that aside?  I could never do that!  I'm sure she put some kind of spin on what I told her about the behavior she displays toward me, but whatever.  She obviously flip-flops.  I have to say this, because it is really true.  My older sister and I never had the "call every day" kind of relationship.  I wasn't the only one who made it that way.  My older sister had her own thing going and I never really pushed or pulled at all.  As far as my younger sister is concerned, she just never calls me unless there is a family function or something of that magnitude.  We don't talk every day either and it's another case where I wasn't the only one who made it that way.  Both of them explain our relationships as "close," but I find that to be hardly true at points.  I love them both dearly, but it's the truth.  This is the kind of behavior that both continually exhibit.  They both take advantage of me at times and I've played along for the most part.  I was hurt at times, but I was always stoic about it.  I just can't be stoic anymore.  Don has been the only constant in my life, because he doesn't treat me like a turn key or a used piece of garbage to be thrown aside.  I'm not going to be a masochist and put up with this, because I'm better than that.

My younger sister decided, without asking Donald and I, to plan Thanksgiving by making reservations at a restaurant with her in-laws.  I really don't want to have Thanksgiving with her in laws.  My baby sister and her husband didn't have Thanksgiving with us last year, so we're not doing it this year.  I went through the whole ordeal of cooking a beautiful dinner last year.  I invited them almost two months in advance.  My parents came, my mother-in-law, my husband's sister and her husband came.  My baby sister came for an hour and left, and her husband never even came with her.  She only had a bit of dessert.  She wouldn't even come to dinner.  Does this mean that my husband and I should accept her invitation to dinner?  My older sister didn't come to dinner either, but she had reasons that were absolutely beyond her control.  The real kicker is that I live two blocks away from my little sister and I barely speak to her and I don't call her, because I really don't feel comfortable chatting with her.  She's kind of ruined that for me.  That happened long before my mother passed, and it's only been incensed since then.  That kind of makes me feel that dinner is not a viable option.  I'm actually starting to cry, because I never thought that I would ever have to write anything like this in my lifetime.  It hurts me so much and I hate myself for having to say this, but it's absolutely true.  I have many shortcomings, and I have made poor decisions in life.  I'm trying to make up for those in the best ways that I know how.  I guess I wasn't enough of an opportunist like my sisters.  One day I will be happy, I'm sure.  Right now I'm kind of in limbo.  All I know is that I want to achieve some placidity and, sadly enough, seperating yourself is the only way to achieve that.  Sorry for the extended rant.  I know that it was probably overly toxic in nature and probably will leave you aghast. 

It's Your Season

The oncoming of the holidays can herald the blues.  The correlation of the music, the festoons, and the overfilling food, that are so present during this point in the year, can make you wish you could avoid them entirely.  These seasonal events may have been associated with happier memories during your childhood years, but the feelings today aren't the same.  We don't always have to feel the same way about certain traditions, but we need to find joy in the way we feel about the season.  We can make our lives our own, no matter what we might think.  To revitalize the way you think about the season is not feeling as if you have to engage in certain holiday traditions or situations that make you feel uneasy and cause you to feel sadness.  It can be very simple for you to get caught up in the web of ritual and lose sight of what you really want or what works for you as a person.  You have to work in the now and realize that there is a payoff for giving to yourself.  If you take care of yourself then your ability to give, if that is part of your holiday or seasonal ritual, will be healthier.  Celebrating for yourself expands your joy and gives you a new reason to love the Autumn and Winter months.

The association of depression and the Autumnal and Winter seasonal holidays are very prevalent.  It can be very difficult to address these emotional difficulties.  If you face these problems and sort of them out, you can give yourself the chance to process what you are going through.  This can liberate you from that weight on your shoulders.  Journaling about your issues can be very therapeutic.  Don't be afraid to be honest about your feelings.  Being honest with your family is another part of the therapeutic process.  Maybe you would rather go on a vacation, rather than dealing with the pressures of your family during the holiday season.  Maybe you would prefer not to give gifts during the holiday season.  Maybe you would like to eat out or make a healthy meal during the holiday season.  Maybe you would like to just take time to watch a movie and spend time just pampering yourself.  Don't be afraid of what everyone else thinks, because you have to make the season your own.  This season prepares you for the rest of the Winter and you need to nurture your inner joy.  It doesn't mean that you have to decorate your home like the Griswold's in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, but you can decorate your self-esteem with happiness and pleasure.  

I'm Not Your Doormat (A Mobile Blog)

For many, many years, I have taken the opportunistic, opinionated bullshit that a certain member of my family consistently dealt me. Now, I'm fucking tired of it. I have hit my limit with her chiding remarks and her belittling garbage. In fact, I'm sick of her crap in general. She has this queen bee syndrome where she feels the need to tell everyone what to do. It's like when she says jump, people say, "How high?". Well that crap is more than over with. I refuse to speak with her, have her in my presence, or deal with her in any fashion until she learns to treat me like an adult. I'm relevant with feelings and can make my own decisions. I accept my imperfections, but she refuses to admit that she falls short in any sense of the word. She is offensive, condescending and lacks the means to function with any shred of intelligence, kindness, or compassion. I may have made poor decisions, but at least I didn't rub her nose in hers. In fact, I was there to help her through the tougher times. The only thing she does is look down her nose at you.  She couldn't even write my mother's obituary correctly!  It was atrocious!  I can't begin to tell you how mortified and angry I still am over that.  The worst part is that other people had to read that garbage.  If I had written it, it would have been perfect. 

The way things have turned out in the last couple months makes me want to run with Don as far from here as I possibly can. Family isn't as good as people paint it to be in some situations. Maybe, after my schooling is finished, we'll be leaving for somewhere else. I'm thinking it's time for a brand new start away from certain ungrateful people. The only thing is that there are certain situations that need to be tied up before I go, but that will happen in time. I never thought that I would want to leave where I'm from, but it's come to the point where it needs to occur. I refuse to have my husband and I be doormats for my family and most especially the person that I was discussing earlier in this post. Life is going to change and this time for the better.  I think we deserve that much after the shitstorm we've put up with over the last year.  All my husband and I want is just to be able to take a deep breath and smile.  We just want to feel comfortable about our lives for once, rather than worrying about everything.  I think that's reasonable enough.  That would be better suited away from the craziness of some very toxic individuals. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Posted via email from Summer Writing

Catching Up

It's been a while since there was a journal article on here, but here is the latest in my life experiences.  I'm learning my triggers or at least some of them.  My limbic system is still kicking my ass these days, but I'm realizing why some of it manifests.  Panic hits me when I can't get everything done in one day.  This can include errands, pleasing other people, and other items.  Another part of the panic is when I absorb rather than express.  Everything else is boggling me.  The other day, I finished my Algebra class and headed up to the library to do some studying for a test that day.  I wasn't feeling that great, but chalked it up to being tired.  After standing up, dizziness washed over me and I felt as if I was going to faint.  My husband ushered me to the medics office and my blood pressure was very low.  Apparently, that is a side effect of anxiety as well.  Now this part of the anxiety or panic attack never hit me like that before.  It frightened me so much that I headed to the physician's office for a visit, because I wasn't sure if it was something else.  Of course, it was the anxiety and I felt completely stupid.  The doctor asked me what was going on in my life and I told him.  Then it began to make sense to him.  He explained that losing one part of my life is a rite of passage, even though it is unwanted.  Luckily I am strong enough to push myself through.  I get a silver lining though, because I get to see the school analyst for free.  Ahhh... The joys of being a college student! 

So now I'm finally going to tell my therapist that I need to go on benzodiazapines as needed.  I've tried to go it alone, but I can't.  I feel defeated in a sense, but there is no way that I can be in this kind of pain and make it through school.  The pain comes in the form of headaches, pain in my limbs and chest, pins and needles, dizziness, blurred vision, nausea, and fatigue.  I've been checked out for every test that there is and I am in perfect health, so it's definitely this ridiculous disorder kicking my ass.  I feel like I'm in desperate need of a vacation, but I have absolutely no time at all for one.  There are people in my life who do not make it easier for me.  In fact, those people make it even rougher for me to deal with the issues in my life.  The worst part about these individuals is that they are so self-absorbed that they don't even give a flying fuck!  Sorry for my colorful language, but it's entirely true.  I've found some reprieves here and there.  These reprieves keep me seperate from the ridiculousness that I see every day and let me feel free.  It's not meditation or anything of the new age nature, but it certainly relaxes me.  I wish those reprieves were more frequent, because I think it would lessen the burnout.  Today I get a reprieve, because I'm DJ'ing.  I love doing my radio show, because it gives me a chance to be alone with my music.  I don't even care if I have listeners, because I have so much fun.  Another reprieve is reading in the library, because I can get lost here in the stacks.  My latest favorite though is karaoke!  I just love it!

The other day, my health teacher says to me, "You look great!  Things really must be going your way."  I almost started to laugh hysterically, but I was flattered at the same time.  I'm glad to know that I'm healthy and that all of this that I am feeling is all in my head.  Really getting through this is the obstacle that I have to overcome.  I know that I'm strong enough to tell myself that the pain is just me.  It just seems so real, as if my body isn't my own right now.  It's torture you know?  I'm feeling this hypervigilant alarm phase of General Adaptation Syndrome and I can't escape it sometimes.  Some of the stress comes from the revolving door issue that seems to be going on in my life.  It just seems like I'm going through this endless cycle of loss in one form or another.  You can only do so much with bereavement before it makes you feel sick inside.  I wish that all of the stress that I get to experience was eustress rather than distress, because at least I know the pressure is for all the right reasons.  Right now this is just making me feel pain and the only thing that can alleviate it is either crying or just finding some way to be alone.  Last night I went out by myself, which was really nice.  It was the first time in so long that I actually felt pampered.  I went out to a movie, for a nice dinner, and I went to Barnes and Noble to read and have coffee.  It was absolutely fantastic!  Maybe if I find the time to schedule events like that for myself, I wouldn't feel so tense all of the time.  Who knows!  I just know that something eventually has to give.

So something pivotal is going to happen on Friday.  My mother-in-law is moving to Texas.  This is very hard for me and for my husband.  It's kind of funny, because I never realized how much this would hit me until she mentioned it over dinner one night.  I was sitting there and she mentioned how she wouldn't be there for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I just cried; I couldn't help it.  It was something I couldn't grasp hold of at the time and I am still trying to come to grips with it.  Linda is my second Mom and it's so hard to see another person fall away from my life.  I'm crying right now as I write this mostly because I am so happy for her.  She found such a wonderful man to spend the rest of her life with.  Andrew is a lovely person and he makes her so happy.  Even though my husband and I will miss her so much, I know that she is going to be more than happy.  We'll definitely visit them in Texas.  The only thing that hurts so much is that someone else is leaving, but I am glad that it's for all the right reasons.  Things are falling into place the right way, it just feels tough right now.  I feel sad for my husband too, because his Mom is leaving for Texas and his Dad is gone.  That makes me emotional for him.   

So like I was saying earlier in this post, I went out for a nice night alone.  I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 and it was awesome!  It was a prequel to the original film and I have to say that I liked it more.  This one was definitely more frightening than the first one.  There were connections to the original premise of the first film, but I can't really tell you that much more.  It would definitely ruin it if I did.  All I know is that you have to see it because you will be kicking yourself if you do not!  It was nice to go the movies on a weekday.  The theatre was clear and quiet, and I didn't have to wait in lines.  Wonderful!  I had a great Japanese dinner as well.  That was a really great precursor to the movie.  Low in fat, because it was vegetables and seafood.  I'm really proud of myself.  Although I shouldn't have drank soda, because it's not good for me.  For those who do not realize, soda causes bone porosity as well as subcutaneous fat cells.  Even the diet variety isn't good for you, because of the osteoporosis side effect.  So anyway, I also bought tickets to another Duo show in New Jersey for February at the SOPAC in South Orange, New Jersey.  I can't wait to see that show.  Next month Donald and I are going to see Killing Joke in New York City.  Concerts rule!  I wish I could just go to concerts rather than celebrating any of the holidays.  It would be so much more fun and less pressure.  Well that's really all that I have going for me right now aside from DJ'ing and being a student.  Hope that everyone enjoys the rest of their week.

Sick

For the last five days, I have been battling the dredges of influenza.  I am convinced, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this something that can be prevented.  Now let me paint a picture for you.  I went to an event that someone was throwing, and this person was getting over a bout of influenza.  This person didn't really notify anyone that she was still suffering with the illness; this person just invited everyone over without thinking twice.  I gave this person and his/her sibling a hug, because I hadn't seen them in sometime.  As I was helping them both in the kitchen, I noticed one of the hosts sniffle and cough.  I asked, "Do you have a cold?"  I was met with the response, "Oh I am getting over the flu."  Later that evening, I had told the person I was with about this and, of course, they were upset by the situation.  Mind you, because there were children at this event, I had used hand sanitizer and took every precaution.  Even with that in place, I still got their germs.  I'm convinced it landed on the food or it came with the hug.  When I arrived home I started to feel the achy symptoms of influenza, which include the sore throat.  Needless to say, I was quite upset.

For the first couple days, I was able to keep it at bay with Advil Cold and Sinus.  When Tuesday hit, I was just sick and I couldn't shake it.  Now if it was Winter break and I was off from school, I wouldn't bother going to the doctor, because I like to fight it off on my own.  Unfortunately, I just couldn't do it without getting antibiotics.  I've lost my voice for the most part, and I'm still coughing a bit, but the sneezing and runny nose has stopped.  That is the worst!  I can take the aching, the fever, and everything else, but that is just gross.  Now that everything has mostly settled down with most of the symptoms, I just have to get rid of the cough and laryngitis.  I had to cancel my radio show on Wednesday, because I couldn't speak at all.  I couldn't go to some of my classes, because I was just too sick!  I had to miss three classes, because of this shit.  This was all due to someone being reckless with their germs.  You don't throw a party when you have the seasonal flu!  It's not reasonable and it's not courteous.  It's a pain in the ass for me, because there is only a limited amount of medications that I can take to help me when I get the flu.  Obviously the two people who gave me this disease are complete morons.

Scale Away

I have decided, over the course of my life, that there is no way that you can quantify your health.  You can measure certain things like blood pressure, heart rate, and even your brain waves, but there isn't any way to measure how we truly feel.  The only way that we can actually find that out is through our own personal measurements of wellness.  There is only one question that will give any shred of an answer.  How do you define wellness?  Everyone's definition of wellness is different, just like someone's sense of style.  We create our wellness from the choices of foods that eat to the amount of exercise that we ascribe to on a daily basis.  We are constantly a slave to our social pressures, because of television, celebrities, fashion magazines, models, department stores, tabloids, and even the people that we encounter every day.  The most common picture of wellness comes in the form of crash dieting or serial dieting.  This can come from the influence of your peers or by the over-glamorization of certain fad diets that consistently convince women that they can lose weight by using their unhealthy systems and products.  We stand on a scale every morning and sigh, because we are never thin enough.  

In reality, we are able to measure our own sense of wellness without the influence of others or the media.  We can find a way to feel a sense of energy and self-esteem if we realize that we don't have to stress over food or numbers on a scale.  When you just walk that extra flight of stairs or stop drinking carbonated beverages, you feel a sense of accomplishment.  After a while, you forget that you are actually doing that and it becomes a way of life.  You aren't weighing yourself, but you are getting rid of something that will weigh you down.  This doesn't mean that you won't slip, but it does mean that you are trying.  Another thing that some people have to leave behind them is envy, because some people are naturally thin and others are just naturally curvy.  I am naturally curvy and I know that I will never be a size four.  As long as I am healthy and making reasonable goals, I don't feel really bad about that.  Regardless of our body type, we can use our overall energy level to gauge our wellness.   When you put aside your scale, you are setting aside a stressor.  The scale often leads to obsessing about every pound.  If you just respect your body, then your wellness factor will cooperate.  I stopped weighing myself for about six months, then realized my weight from my doctor.  Made me smile to say the least.  I still don't weigh myself, because I consider that my body is at the right weight for the moment. 

When you evaluate your wellness level from a logical standpoint, you are looking at your overall fitness.  Are you well nourished and fit without feeling easily fatigued or suffering other existing health problems due to lack of fitness?  Having that bloated or overweight feeling raises concerns, but it something that you can correct.  You always have the chance to make things right.  You can bring your own sense of wellness.  I'm not thin right now, but I am definitely working on that.  I want to feel more energetic and live longer.  This is definitely prompted by the health problems that my mother suffered with when she was alive.  Right now, I am trying to make walking a source of happiness.  I want my knees and muscles to gain strength and mobility for my own well-being.  Plus the walking and the exercise produces endorphins that make me feel very peaceful and happy.  I highly recommend that for anyone who feels depressed.  Eating whole foods is another way to attain wellness.  There are always substitutions for the heavy things you've been eating without sacrificing flavor.  I've become addicted to fruit and raw veggies, plus I've cut down on my dairy a great deal.  Fiber is the most important thing though, because it keeps the body moving.  Read your labels too, because you will be surprised what some companies call food, when it really isn't!

Even though weighing yourself is technically informative, it really can inhibit you from making your short term goals.  If you aren't happy the entire time that you are trying to better yourself, how can you build yourself esteem and really make for total wellness?  Your body knows its health more than the numbers on the scale.  If you communicate with your body and listen to the signs, your image of wellness will be tailored to your needs.  Your life is more important than stressing over numbers, because you need to enjoy life.  When you feel physical wellness, then your self-esteem will enter a state of positivity.  You will be able to focus on your life, rather than counting calories.  Eating healthy should just be a natural progression and exercise shouldn't be a chore.  Sometimes the latter is harder than the former.  I should work on that a bit more.  Working on the natural traits of health aren't easy, but they are totally worth it.  Having someone who helps you along the way is great too!  Moral support is the great comfort when you are moving into a healthy lifestyle.  Change is hard and having someone who has either been through it already or just wants to help you through your journey is the best thing going for you.  Aldous Huxley said, "There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self."  Throw away your scale and change yourself without the restraint of numbers.

The Terror of Exams

What are the symptoms of test anxiety and how do we combat them?  Most people say that they arise from poor organizational skills and time management, but can they be from simple fear?  This type of fear is something that comes for students no matter how much they prepare.  Anxiety carries an adrenaline that is a normal part of the human condition.  This feeling can come forth as butterflies in the stomach or a jittery feeling just before a presentation or an oral report, not just for exams alone.  This can definitely impair the work of the student during these points in the semester, but there are ways to combat this problem.  We've all hit that point in time where we have dealt with worries.  We first have to focus on the catalyst of why we think that bad things might happen.  We then have to realize that this is a self-manufactured issue that you have structured for yourself.  Once you realize that this state is completely unnecessary, you can take the time to focus on the task at hand.  Feeling like we are not in control is a stumbling block that every student manifests and if you have the right tools, you can combat that problem.  If we shift our focus on good expectations, this also helps on our perspective on exams.

Here are some symptoms of test anxiety:

• shaking
• sweating
• racing heartbeat
• nausea
• feeling of being faint

Time management is the most important part of preparing for a test.  If you have a very important exam coming up, the worst thing you can do is plan a night of partying the night before.  An adequate amount of sleep and diligent studying are a must.  Don't keep repeating negative self-talk such as, "I'm going to fail or I'm dumb or I'm just not cut out for college."  That type of thought process does more to inhibit your work than anything else.  Some people, and I know that I have done this with poor with results, cram for tests and exams.  This is a mistake that I used to make often in high school and let me tell you that it never works.  It only makes you more tense and forgetful of the material.  Don't listen to other people before you take the exam, because their fears can definitely rub off on you.  This factor is surprisingly true.  I've also found another great trick is never getting caught on one question.  If you are stumped by one test question, skip it, and move on to the ones you know.  You can always go back to the questions that give you trouble and put more thought into them.  It gets you through the exam faster and you won't feel so pressed for time.  The day of the test is always the most dreadful, but if you take a deep breath and realize that this isn't worst day ever, you will be able to get through it.   Eating a good breakfast, being on time for the exam, taking your time with the questions, and reviewing the material on the test will help you finish the exam efficiently and without fear.

Can We Trust?

When it comes to trust, there has to be a depth that is required.  Things may turn out differently than you want them to, but sometimes you have to take a chance.  That leap of faith is required in order to author some kind of change in your life.  Our lives will unravel in the pattern that it's meant to if we only give it a guiding hand.  I know that I have a great deal of trust issues, and most of those are created by people.  Many people find that being scorned or having something tragic happen to you can damage the feelings of trust.  But at a point in our lives, we need to release and educate ourselves into letting ourselves feel that emotional trust again.  Much of the trust issue is controlling your life, and it's definitely part of a self-preservation tactic.  If something very tragic occurs or something deceitful occurs, often times we fall into an issue with trust.  Fear of becoming a doormat for someone's manipulation or something of that nature can trigger you to step down from life.  We become withdrawn and it can affect our friendships and familial relationships.  Even romantic relationships can suffer from this type of emotional trauma, especially if the trust issue stems from rape, cheating, etc.  It's those types of malicious events that can scar us or put an indelible mark on our psyche that can be hard to soften or remove.  It makes life feel insurmountable and it dashes many hopes for normal friendships or relationships.  How can you be happy, when you are always looking over your shoulder? 

When we create an environment that shelters us away from the world, we lose a part of ourselves by locking away the most integral benefit of humanity.  That benefit is community!  We need a communal society in order to survive and live in the world.  We need to exert a certain amount of trust in order to move out in the world and grow through our civilization.  Sounds like life on a grand scale, but in a sense it is.  We need that support in order to provide sustainability and ways to coexist.  Trusting is only part of the coin, because we need to be responsible for the things that we create in our lifetime.  This is especially true for the things that we have first hand control over.  We have control over the way that we treat others.  We have control over our actions.  We need to establish trust so that people can feel comfortable with making sturdy life decisions.  Unfortunately life doesn't really work perfectly and the whole "we" aspect doesn't ever happen that way.  One person may do something right and another may do something completely malicious and awful to someone or something in order to prove some kind of ridiculous point or maybe no point at all.  Many people are loners and feel that they can only sojourn through life on their own.  I've felt that way from time to time.  Sometimes I still feel that way, because I don't feel that I can give all of myself away emotionally.  Who can I really trust with the real me?

I often think that our lives are built under this parylyzation of fear.  Fear of being hurt, fear of losing everything, fear of dying, fear of heartbreak, and fear of losing everyone you love.  Because of mistrust, it's hard to shake a distinct sense of uncertainty.  We lock away our dreams and goals, because we are afraid of being stepped upon.  It's ends up being the cycle of cowering to your self-protective instincts.  Why can't we take a leap of faith?  Is there something in our makeup that keeps us from being happy?  Not every person is totally bad, but you can only find that out by trying.  It may be very difficult to give that effort, but maybe the reward will make the whole ordeal worthwhile.  Surrendering and embracing the unknown is something that can scare even the most confident individual, no matter how fearless they paint themselves to be.  I think that the way they look so confident is by convincing themselves undoubtedly that they will win, no matter how the circumstances may turn.  You just have to remember that a good friendship is more likely than a bad one and a bad situation is less likely than a good one!  It's a good mantra that I've been trying these days.  There is nothing wrong with being courageous, especially when it comes with meeting new people.  You are expanding your knowledge of trust and expanding your emotional territory.

Who's Going to Remember You?

I was in health class the other day and something startled me more than anything in a long time.  My professor said to me and the rest of the class," Enjoy yourself now because, in fifty years, no one will remember you."  That really frightened me!  Now some of you that read this may be young enough to blow that off but, now that I am close to forty, I am nervous about this.  This especially grabs me after me after losing my mother this year.  Of course, I was met with the words, "You know your mother is watching over you and is proud that you are a good student."  I thought to myself, "How the fuck do you know?"  Pardon my language!  Still, even though I was perturbed by that statement, I was unnerved by the fact that I might not have a legacy to leave behind.  Should I have done more to prove myself worthy to my peers?  Is being a hard worker enough?  It kind of seems sad that the only people who are valued or remembered are those who have faltered dramatically or have achieved beyond most people's reaches.  Some of this has to do with money, of course, and some has to do with criminal actions.  Why can't we be remembered for writing a wonderful paper on the perils of global warming on contemporary American society?  Is it because we are just the lay individual in a community college?  Certainly!  No credible source wants to hear from someone in a community college anthropology class. 

Every day, I sit in classrooms with students who are half my age and I am glad that I am smart enough to join them.  I enjoy their stories of partying and living their youthful lives and still being able to pass tests with a B average and above.  These types of stories give me encouragement.  If they can do something like that then certainly someone, at my age, can prove myself worthy of a 3.5 or higher.  These grades may not prove me remembered in life, but it will surely make me happy for the short time I enjoy here on earth.  I'll never pretend to be religious, because I'm not.  I believe in scientific fact in the Richard Dawkins perspective.  Many people will surely hate me for that kind of belief, but it doesn't mean that I am a bad person or that I disrespect others for their beliefs.  I simply live by the beat of my own drummer.  There is a reason that I have turned to this type of belief system, and it's not just because of intellectual reasons.  My mother was this spiritualist and she believed that she could "talk to dead people" through mediums and psychics.  This was laced with Christian philosophy and other nonsense for which she pushed on me throughout my whole childhood.  I didn't realize that it was a hoax until I was an adult and I reached the age of reason.  I was hurt so deeply that I thought that I never would recover, but I forgave her for it.  I realize that she truly believed it was all real.  I left her with that, and she died believing that was the way the world worked. 

I don't want to leave you thinking that I hate everyone else's beliefs, because that is simply not true.  Everyone has the right to feel the way they want about life.  You deserve to be free and exercise that.  I think that there is a limit to everything.  There is a rule of thumb in this world called everything in moderation.  It keeps everyone from going overboard on one particular philosophy or medium.  When you become seperatist, or you've taken yourself away from reality, you've gone too far.  That goes for anything, and that includes religion, substance abuse, racism, politics, etc.  Life is a series of bits and pieces that we mean to sample.  Not everything is meant to be taken completely seriously.  If you sample everything, then you have something to write about.  That's what I do anyway.  I may never get any money for it and I will never be remembered for it, but I thoroughly enjoy it.  I worry if this legacy will ever carry on.  How many people will need to share their passwords in their wills?  Now that is completely frightening!  Speaking of that, my father hasn't taken my mother's Facebook down.  Now I have protested over and over about this.  It makes me sad every time I see her name come up, but he won't take it down.  Is this the digital legacy that we'll have?  This is pathetic!  No one will remember us physically, but we'll have a cyber file to last us for how long?  All I know is that I don't have children, but I want to have the most fun that I can before I go.  I'm not sure that I care if people remember me.  If they do, maybe they'll read this nonesense.  Wouldn't that be a kick in the head?!

When Do We Find Happiness?

How do you know when it's time to be happy?  You can go through the rigors that the day puts forth, with all it's bumps and obstacles, and get completely caught up and consumed.  You forget to make some time for yourself.  I think the reason that we put limitations or prerequisites on that emotion.  It becomes something that we put on a calendar or on a memo in your BlackBerry.  It seems that we have so many worries, that we have no time for those thoughts.  We even forget what it feels like to smile.  Some psychiatrist's say that we become victims of negative self-talk that keeps us from finding joy.  For long stretches, it happens to me.  This Summer was the longest stretch I've gone without feeling truly happy.  Only recently has that started to filter back, but it's been gradual.  They say that joy shouldn't be left to those with perfect lives or fluid time schedules. 

I think that it's terribly hard to find happiness when you are going through horrible struggles, but I'm still learning how to find the joy in the transitory.  I'm beginning to think that seperating yourself from things and indulging in something simple, but good realy really helps.  When I was dealing with my Mom's death, and my family was making me crazy, I stayed home one night, read one of my favorite books, and I had a cold glass of iced tea.  After that I slept for the first time in days!  I felt renewed!  For that evening, I was alone and happy.  For that evening, I was able to nurture a happy feeling that comforted me more at my worst.  It was still tough for me afterward, but that method of finding a simple pleasure is helpful.

Happiness doesn't come naturally for everyone.  For some people, fallen expectations are usually met by sadness, discouragement, etc.  I've read, in many self help books, that you can choose to be happy.  I'm guessing that you can create happiness, by doing something that makes you happy.  Even if something bad happens, just take some time for yourself.  Remember that the sun comes up the next day, even if it's behind the clouds.  I know that sounds stupid, but it gives me hope.  Buddhists say that you have to find peace with losing everything, because eventually it happens to us all.  We have to enjoy what we have, but realize the impermanence.  If we keep that in mind, things really don't hurt so bad and happiness can be found.  I don't know how much of that it is true, but it sounds like something to keep in mind.

Legitimacy and Strength in Leadership: A Ruler's Fitness for the Crown

(This essay discusses aspects of characters within the Shakespeare play The Life and Death of King John)

The topics of legitimacy and strength are important to the characters King John and Arthur with the context of Shakespeare's The Life and Death of King John.  Both of these attributes are challenging for these characters.  These characteristics are considered relative to stability and are very desirable within a monarch.  A monarch would need to be unwavering when it came to decision making and old enough to run a country without regency.  The topic of legitimacy would secure the popularity of the monarch with the common people, but it would be shaken if the prospect of war were to erupt.  King John, who was of questionable legitimacy to the throne, was old enough, but not necessarily wise enough to rule England.  John was appointed to the throne by his late brother Richard the Lionhearted.  "To this fair island and the territories, To Ireland, Poitiers, Anjou, Touraine, Maine, Desiring thee to lay aside the sword, Which sways usurping these several titles, And put the same into young Arthur's hand, Thy nephew and right royal sovereign."  (Shakespeare) Because Constance, King Philip of France, and others felt that John usurped the throne from Arthur, it caused a rift for his character within the play.  This kind of scandal cuts down his desirability within his own country and and within the French borders.  Even the French questioned the loyalty of their sovereigns during the conflicts.

Aspects with John that lessened his desirability were his greediness and his all consuming obsession with keeping the crown.  John's armies robbed the monasteries for profit and were willing to go to war with France just to keep his title.  John was ready to marry off his niece, Blanche,  to King Philip's son, Lewis, in order to settle any plans to pursuing Arthur as King of England, thus removing any threat.  Arthur, who was directed by King Philip and his controlling, guilt dealing mother Constance, didn't really have a voice of his own to begin with.  "Good my mother peace!  I would that I were low laid in my grave.  I am not worth this coil that is made for me." (Shakespeare)  Constance seemed to want the throne for Arthur and he really didn't exhibit any drive to be king.  Arthur, the son of the King's late elder brother, is portrayed as a fragile, delicate and naive child who wouldn't have the competence to rule at his tender age.  John also seemed to have a strong mother figure who influenced many of the important decisions that he made throughout the play.  Eleanor, his mother, was a guiding hand at many moments where he was mostly indecisive on his own.  That reduces that viability of a true monarch.  That two characters seemed to have no mind of their own in certain matters or were lead by their emotions rather than strength and intelligent leadership skills.

Arthur, because he is so sheltered by his mother, has no basis for true decision making as a ruler.  he was basically led around by King Philip and Constance, without any concrete example, as they bartered and threatened in order to champion his ascension as King of England.  "Now, citizens of Angiers, ope your gates, Let in that amity which you made, For at Saint Mary's chapel presently The rites of marriage shall be solemnized..." (Shakespeare)  Even Philip shows sings of indecision, which isn't a monarch's strong suit.  When Philip first shows signs of peace through the marriage of his son to John's niece, it seemed that Arthur's chances were dashed.  It seemed that all the threats of war and discord for Arthur's cause were thrown aside as if they weren't a priority anymore.  Both John and Philip were ready to disregard everything for the opportunity of moving into Angiers.  They were even willing to patronize Constance and Arthur with lesser titles.  But with the threat of religious turmoil at Pandulf's hand, Philip quickly turns his mind back to its original direction.  The fickle nature that Philip exhibits was a classic example of undesirability in a monarch, because his lack steadfast decision making.  John was so threatened by Arthur, that he put forth an order of execution to be done by Hubert, which pits his own nobleman against him.  John's weakness were his rash decisions and his inane fears of being deposed as sovereign of his country.

Eventually, after the failed execution of Arthur, John's misdeeds against the monasteries are the ones that kill him.  A monk from one of the monasteries poisons him fatally and he ends up dying.  Arthur, who was slated to die by execution, makes a fatal attempt to escape by jumping to his death over the castle wall.  Both nobles, regardless of their ages, made fatal mistakes that ultimately cost both of their lives.  "The wall is high, and yet I will leap down.  Good ground, be pitiful and hurt me not! ....As good to die and go, as die and stay." (Shakespeare)  Because of Arthur's immaturity and blind hopefulness, he ultimately makes the leap and ends his part in the play.  The frailty in his character and in John's lead to a series of factors would make both of them unfit to rule.  They didn't have the strength, the examples, or the organization to take control of a country.  Their actions put themselves at risk, and even put their countries in jeopardy.

DJ'ing!

As of right now, I have fallen in love with my work on the radio.  Today I had another fantastic day!  I stayed an extra forty-five minutes past my slot, which was fun.  Maybe this is my calling and I should pursue this.  There have been things that were unclear to me when it came to my major at school, but this seems very natural for me.  There was a mix of my favorites and I was able to play some stuff that I thought would appeal to some people I knew.  Hopefully there will be more listeners as time goes on.  There will always be a mix, but I want to take requests the day before.  This way I won't alienate my listeners with stuff that they don't want to hear.  This sounds boring, but I've been thinking about this now for a while.  I'm even doing a television interview about this!  Can you believe it?  Well, I'm going to be broadcasting from 10:30 AM until 1PM this Saturday.  I want to put up a link for requests on my Facebook.  It's going to be fun!

Duo: An Evening with Richard Marx & Matt Scannell

At the Bergen Performing Arts Center in Englewood, New Jersey, I was fortunate enough to have a front row seat to see a show called Duo: An Acoustic Evening with Richard Marx and Matt Scannell.  Richard Marx, who is a veteran in the music industry, joins up with best friend and Vertical Horizon front-man Matt Scannell taking turns to share their most popular songs, such as Right Here Waiting, Hazard, You're A God, and Everything You Want, along with stories and witty repartee.  During the bulk of their set, Marx and Scannell included the Grammy winning Midwestern classical group, The Pacifica Quartet to accompany them.  These four artists hail from Marx's home state of Illinois and played with Marx and Scannell for the first time at this concert.  According to Marx, there will be other dates that will include these players.  Marx, who is a Chicago native, was never secretive about the end of his pop career, but candidly shares his fervent love for songwriting and producing.  This part of his career, something that has kept him in the game, was how he made his start in the music business.  Recently, he's written for such artists as Keith Urban, Daughtry, and Lifehouse.  After all of these years, Marx still performs on his A game and he still knows how to win over his audience.  Marx's voice has that mixture of rough and tenderness that easily graces through every song he performs.  During the show, Marx talked about working with the pop, boy band 'NSync and how proud he is of Justin Timberlake's successes.  He and Scannell then performed, "This I Promise You," a song written by Marx that became a huge hit for the boy band. 

A charming Matt Scannell discussed his work with other artists as he was about to perform the song "Best I Ever Had," which was a hit both for his band Vertical Horizon and for country singer Gary Allan.  He talked about his beginnings in music, the evolution in his work, and his enjoyment of the songwriting craft.  From seeing a Vertical Horizon concert in the past and hearing songs in this format, I can understand the talent and enthusiasm that Scannell puts into his job.  He is an absolutely amazing performer!  Some of the most memorable highlights of this intimate concert were Marx's performance of the song "Through My Veins," a touching tribute to his late father and Scannell's performance of the love song "Here" from his band Vertical Horizon's latest album Burning the Days.  Throughout the show, you can tell both Scannell and Marx are best friends and they even admit that doing the shows is just a reason to hang out together.  They bring that wonderful, friendly atmosphere to the stage and the crowd definitely adored every minute of it!  Look for a concert date nearest you, because these performances should not be missed.  For more information and concert dates, click on www.richardmarx.com or www.verticalhorizon.com.  For more information on the Pacifica Quartet, click on www.pacificaquartet.com.

Socially Muted

I was reading my health book and it was talking about the health benefits of having a healthy social life.  After considering all of the points that were discussed within that part of the chapter I thought, "Do I have a social life?"  Unfortunately, I realized, my answer was no.  Since June, things have been very quiet for me.  Well, not really quiet, but socially quiet.  Gradually I have become a social introvert.  This isn't to say that I am a complete introvert, because I interact with my peers on campus and through academic circles.  Since my life was turned upside down, I've lost a sense of community in the way of friendships.  Even my existing friendships probably question my reliability these days.  By my own admission, I am completely selfish as of late.  I feel like a failure to some of my friends, because of my emotional unavailability.  Everything seems more and more tedious as time goes on.  When we're kids, socializing was an easy task.  You didn't really feel the need to sequester yourself, unless there was something really wrong.  As an adult, it's even harder, because socializing is a difficult maze.  It's not the difficult task that you had to overcome in high school, but it's still challenging.

As humans, we live in a world of judgment and we evaluate the people we surround ourselves with.  As time wore on, I felt that my feelings were better left to myself.  Another part of my life felt the need to seek structure and social obligations seemed to be beyond my control.  I didn't want to feel prone or vulnerable, which is part of extending yourself.  This is most definitely a self-preservation action and I'm not proud of it.  I have heard that the longer you sequester or isolate yourself from others, the harder it is to rejoin or reconnect with them.  The theory is that you can unlearn the social aspects of your personality and you have to reteach yourself these lessons.  Maybe I need to find some time of rejuvenation or some type of renewal that will make me feel better about life in that respect.  That's one of the reasons that I joined a club at the college finally.  It was something that was completely out of my comfort zone and it caused me to deal with people that I had never met before.  Shedding a light on my self-confidence may be the key that I am looking for, and hopefully the rest will fall into place.  You never really have a map of how to live your life.  Interactions with people are a gamble and giving of yourself can sometimes be an acceptable risk.

College Radio (A Mobile Blog)

Today I finally got my time slot as a DJ for my college's radio station, WOCC Viking Radio. I'm really psyched about this, because this is an opportunity to try out my communications skills. If I love it, I will follow up with more work. I'm going to broadcast on Wednesdays and Saturdays. I'm going to have a mix of metal, classic rock, modern rock, pop, R&B, and even some country for good measure. Being that my music is planned, I will take requests in advance of my broadcasts. I have to find a cool name for my show, so I am going to think about that for a couple days.  Something creative will come to me, I'm sure.  I will definitely share my simulcasting links, times, twitter information, and other goodies as soon as possible. This is really exciting and I hope you'll tune in to share all of the fun with me!
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Catching Up (A Journal Entry)

I figured I would write a blog post about myself.  I haven't really written a journal post in a while.  It's the 15th Wedding Anniversary for Donald and me!  I can't believe it!  time has passed by so quickly that it's unbelievable.  I love him so much and I love him more and more every day.  Well, I have my chance for the college radio station finally.  I go for the orientation tomorrow.  It's very exciting.  I've always loved music and wanted to have some part in it.  Being a musician wasn't really my forte, and I wasn't really keen on working as a journalist for the school paper.  I love to write, but I have my issues about working in parameters.  Besides, I would only want to be a music journalist anyway.  One of the former writers for the paper is someone that runs in my circles, but I really don't talk to her.  Friends of mine do though.  She usually goes to concerts that I attend for Richard Marx or Vertical Horizon.  She is a Vertical Horizon junkie in fact.  She writes for an internet magazine that has to do with music.  All I know is that she pushed me out of the way to get her Burning the Days disc signed when I was in Philadelphia, which I didn't really appreciate.  My husband witnessed it, and he kinda rolled his eyes.  That is a whole other story!  I digress, because the school paper just doesn't work for me.  I think the novelty of playing all different kinds of music on a radio show gives me a chance to have more fun.  We'll see how everything goes, because I'm really eager to try out.

I had a great day of classes.  I passed with very good grades on my biology exams.  I was pleased that all of my study efforts paid off.  Basically, I spent the last couple days studying for this test.  I usually read the chapters and go over my notes lightly throughout the week, and save the harder studying for the last two days.  It really solidifies the material for me.  Algebra worked out for me as well.  I was finally able to work out some equations that were giving me some trouble and now I think I've got the hang of it.  Math is not my favorite subject in the world to say the least!  I would rather take an extra English class.  Since it's a required course, I will tolerate it and swallow the horribleness until the end of the semester.  I have a paper to write on King John, and I am still rolling around ideas in my head.  I'm going to write the thesis this weekend.  I love my professor for this course.  She's really great!  I love anything to do with English royal literature or drama, so this really scratches me right where I itch.  I think one of the best things that happened to me today though was my grant!  I got a sizeable grant that will pay for most of my education!  You have no idea how happy this makes me.  This pretty much made my month and maybe the rest of my year.  Now, I'm just waiting for October 1st!  That's when I go to see the Duo show in Englewood, New Jersey.  This is a Richard Marx/Matt Scannell show.  I'm meeting many friends for dinner before the show.  It's going to rock!  That's all I have for today.  Love ya!

The Game of Love

After a long relationship, there is a period where you just start to date.  Well, I wouldn't call it dating, more like seeing.  I can remember being in a relationship about a year with someone I intended to marry and it ended, so it took me a bit before I dated again.  I started to date a few months later.  The guy, whom I'd had a relationship with in the past, was someone I was dating "on the rebound" as they say.  I've come to realize why that word is used.  Relationships, mostly in the dating phase, are a game.  Much to the chagrin of many people, it is definitely a strategy.  If you are able to master that strategy and make the dating part of your relationship work, you can move on from that part of the game to the next phase.  I think, pretty much by then, you know that you've found your partner.  When I was dating my rebound guy, I met another guy who I ended up marrying and we've been together for 15 years.  My husband and I mastered that game, and have gone through that phase.  There is a difference between games, of course, and "the game."  Games, which is definitely plural, means that the person you're seeing or dating is probably either dating another person or other persons, or they are leading you on with no option of any significant future.  This could mean that you are Miss Right Now, and when another Miss Right Now comes along, you will be thrown to the curb.  Some men are just fickle asswipes that way, to put it bluntly.  Those who've encountered men like that will certainly know.  I've encountered men like that, and they suck! 

Another part of the relationship is finding common interests with the person with whom you're dating.  You can have great compatibility when it comes to your sexual chemistry and have jack-shit to talk about, which means you will eventually become nothing but the occasional "booty call."  Being compatible and being able to have activities outside of the bedroom increases your chances of furthering the relationship.  It can also help you to get to know his friends, and likewise with yours.  You have to watch for men who play the jealous card.  I can recall my ex-boyfriend being so jealous that, when he brought me to parties around his friends, he would start a fight with someone just for looking at me.  That is definitely the red flag to find the exit door and leave that relationship.  There is no room in anyone's life for that kind of torment, no matter how much money he makes, how cute he is or how great the sex is.  Sometimes, you have to watch your friends around your man.  I've had experiences with friends who thought it was their mission in life to express their anger and jealousy over my relationships.  You have to pick and choose your friends, or at least keep them at arms length when it comes to some situations.  I think that goes the same way for men and their friends.

It's surprising how much we are willing to tolerate when for the person we love.  We can spoonfeed ourselves mouthfulls of crap until we turn green for someone who could be completely toxic.  Take for instance, I know a person who was dating a guy for more than a few years.  This guy a had a couple kids and was still married.  This person allowed this guy to move in to her house because he promised to break up with his wife and divorce her.  With this promise in mind, this person allowed his two children to stay at her house on the weekends.  Eventually he divorced his wife, but for most of the relationship he was stringing the ex-wife along and cheating on this person.  Eventually she broke up with him, but it took a maximum amount of pain before that action was taken.  This is another red flag that you have to look out for.  Do not date married men, because it almost never works out.  No matter what they tell you, for most of the situations, they have no intentions of leaving their wives.  They are, as I said in the first paragraph, playing games.  These are men who always think that the grass is greener on the other side.  They are manipulative and they have something missing in their lives.  This person, was an unfortunate individual who was confronted with that type of relationship and succumbed to it.  This doesn't make her a bad person; it makes her someone who had an important life lesson that changed her for the better.  When the chips were down, she folded and left.

Those in a long-term relationship are definitely aware that it includes a very involved amount of balance and strategy.  This balance and strategy are the most important parts of the relationship game.  In the beginning of a relationship, you have an intense, integral time that is very vital in establishing the foundation or groundwork.  Nurturing the relationship helps that foundation take hold and really helps you grow together as a couple.  Once you make that establishment, you are able to share other important parts of your life.  Important parts like your family, friends, and even your work.  This is a natural progression and it keeps a healthy balance between the two of you.  You have to remember to take time for each other, from time to time, with the same wonder and happiness that you had when your relationship began.  Never let your relationship's flame burn out and become joyless.  We live in a very busy and fast-paced culture, where we tend to forget our significant others.  Sometimes we remember the obligations that we have in every other place, but the ones that are the most important.  Love always needs tender nurturing, no matter how long you've been together or have been married.  Open communication, friendship, honesty, and integrity are just as important as the physical acts of intimacy.  Keeping faith and trust in each other is a definitely building block in a healthy commitment.  In conclusion, enjoy each other, because that is the most important part of love.  You need to have that chemistry to grow together.

Falling Off the Wagon

It's been a while now since I've dealt with any symptoms of panic!  Other than me feeling some stress that goes along with my normal life.  By panic I mean the sick feelings.  I'm feeling normal again or as normal as I'm ever going to get.  I've come to the decision that once I acknowledged that I was being driven to sickness I was able to harness my stress much easier.  Plus, now that I am back in school, I have an out.  My anxiousness is dealing with weight loss now.  I'm looking to join the gym at my school.  I was going to join Retro Fitness but, if I can do that for free, then why bother.  I have also been struggling with eating choices lately too.  I have to stop falling off the wagon.  Today was the worst, because I was on the run.  I actually stopped at McDonald's to buy my dinner.  I haven't been there in so long and I felt like a criminal.  I actually hate myself for eating that food, not to mention that I filled myself with acid ridden Coca Cola.  I really suck!

Oh and just so everyone knows, I don't look good or at least I don't think I do.  I have so much work to do.  It's going to take me a year to be at least healthy and I know that.  I'm ready for that challenge, but I know that it won't be easy.  The McDonald's thing is not something that I will repeat ever again.  That actually churns in my stomach when I think about it.  What a mistake!  I never weigh myself, because I just want to focus on being me.  I don't want to stress but, now that Mom is gone, I can't help it.  Eating hamburgers from that shithole just solidifies how much of weak person I am.  Maybe I am too hard on myself, but that's how I feel.  I'm the one who looks at myself in the mirror every day and I know my flaws big time.  I look at my waist and I know how it looks.  I walk a great deal, and I stay active, but I just want to feel normal.  I don't need to be perfect; I just want to be healthy.  I don't think that is too much to ask.  In fact, I think that is a goal that's more than achievable.  I want it so badly and I'm going to work even harder to get there.

In the Stacks

I'm sitting in the library enjoying the comfort of my little cubical in the corner of the stacks with my books stacked next to my mini-notebook and my bags tucked neatly on the right of my desk.  I've had a very long, but rewarding day of classwork.  I've learned about protons, neutrons, and one celled organisms, complex algebraic expressions, and the exploits of Shakespeare's King John.  Right now I am waiting for my husband to pick me up, because I am finished with most of my work for today.  I'm not in a rush, because I love the library.  I love the smell of old books, because it comforts me.  It makes me grateful that I have the privilege of reading so many different types of books from authors like Tolstoy and Austen, not to mention the fact that I have access to so many different sources of information and periodicals.  It makes me smile.  That's why I am grinning in this photograph!  I love the library!  I wish other people would learn to love it too.  I remember when my Mother first brought me to the library.  I picked out Madeleine as my first book and my second book was Arrow to the Sun.  I fell in love with books.  I used to love the bookmobile too!  Did you ever have the bookmobile come to your school?  You would choose the books you would want and you were able to buy them.  I loved it!  It was my favorite time of year as a kid.  I guess I was a real nerd.  Now it's Barnes and Noble, Borders, the College and Public Libraries that do it for me now.  In fact, I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, but maybe library work is in my future.  Who knows?  I'm fickle sometimes.  Well, I have to get my stuff together, because I have to meet the hubby.  Take care....  Love ya!

Dealing with Negativity

You can get up in the morning and feel really great.  You eat your breakfast, drink your coffee, and get your morning routine on course.  You motivate yourself to take on your day but, before you can start, there is a person who stands in your way.  That one negative person with a black cloud over their head and all they want to do is make you feel awful.  These people are mostly insulting, even though they don't realize it.  There are people who do not fully understand the power of words and what the negative ones can do to a person, even if it's unintentional.  Maybe these people are in their own ring of negativity that they can't seem to shake.  That may be a self-imposed situation or a situation that someone has created for them.  All they do for most of their day is place blame, or criticize, or complain about whatever person or persons lay in their path.  I've always wondered if we had a choice to participate or not participate in that type of unhealthy pattern.  How do you avoid that type of personal run-in?  If you are in a particular group, and you can notice that type of person, you may be able to avoid them.  The best way would be notice the person for what he or she is, and just walk away.  Although this may be frustrating for the offending individual, it is cleansing and emancipating for you.

There are other ways that you can lure that negative person away from you.  If you are within a group of friends who also recognize this certain person as a problem, maybe they can help to shift the negative behaviors away.  Sometimes, when you are in a group dynamic, you can escalate a different direction.  If you are in a group, you can do positive fun activities that can shift the negative aspect of an individual away.  It can also help to change the focus of the negative individual and give a new fresh perspective for them to look on.  This can also happen within the family dynamic as well.  In some instances, certain family members tend to bring negative behavior patterns, which include guilt, blame, resentment, and even unhealthy anger.  Joining with family members for a dinner or a group event can take that type behavior pattern away, but sometimes the problem needs to be addressed by the family in frank, honest group conversation.  Unfortunately, sometimes that is the hardest thing in the world to endure.  My family does very poorly at that activity.  Many families aren't proficient with their communication skills.  Some families who feel that they are communicative and tight, really fall short.  If someone tells me that they come from a perfect home, I will call them a liar.  Nobody has a perfect family.  Families have many different levels of dysfunction, and there are some who are worse than others.    

Of course, there are people who can't even grasp the concept that they are unhealthy in their habits.  Because they can't notice or acknowledge that obstacle, they can't understand why you had to seperate yourself from him or her.  There is no way that you can make some drastic metamorphosis of a person's character, because they have to really know about the problem and want to change those behaviors.  Some people take on these behaviors as a personal choice, therefore there is nothing you can do anyway.  You have to give that type of person room enough to take care of themselves, rather than exposing yourself to toxic problems.  Why give your energies to someone who clearly doesn't deserve it?  You can change the negative topic, if you are having a conversation with said person, but no other course remains.  If you are strong enough to deal with someone with those social ineptitudes, then you can try to have a frank talk with them.  Make it known that these behaviors exist and, once they acknowledge them, they can place an anchor toward change.  But remember, you can't be everyone's lifesaver.  Those who are always putting themselves in those situations, become negative themselves.

Dropping Out

I was sitting in my Algebra class this morning and my instructor enters the room.  She takes attendance and suddenly remarks, "They're already dropping out like flies!"  After making that statement, she laughs a bit and begins her lessons.  After the class was completed for the day, that statement stuck in my head.  It struck me that most of the students within the classroom were twenty years younger than me and fresh out of high school, but they've already withdrawn themselves from the course.  This isn't the first course that I've noticed this occurrence.  I've seen it in many other classes throughout my time on campus.  All of the students were young and, nine times out of ten, they were freshmen.  So many students stress about making their way into college but, once they register and start classes, they easily withdraw.  Why is that?  According to American College Testing, one in every four students drop out of college before they complete their sophomore year or move to another college to complete their degree program.  The stress of college is something that high schools forget to counsel students about.  Students, especially those who dorm out, have to learn how to manage living on their own with the responsibility, time and expense management that comes along with the task.  This can take a toll for the college student, fresh from high school, who was used to having their parents to help them when they needed it.

From what I have noticed, as I have gone back to college, students really don't take classes seriously for the first two weeks.  I think there is this false sense of security or this easy going feeling, whereas they feel that there will not be work or anything intensive involved in a course.  For example, I had been studying Etruscan Art in my Art History course for almost a week and according to the course sheet, my instructor noted that we were due for an exam.  Another fellow student, who was constantly texting, looked up for the first time after a week and said, "He gives tests?"  I told her yes and I asked her if she took notes.  I usually reread my notes and the chapters more than once to keep material familiar so I can keep myself fresh for testing.  She told me no and said, "I'm not good at studying and I think this was a bad idea.... I think I'm going to drop."  This was after three weeks of the course.  It was really sad.  Another girl was facing the same dilemma, but worked really hard to catch up on her studies and passed the course.  She told me that balancing work, her social life and relationship, and school was hard at first, but she got the hang of it.  I can't understand why some students won't take advantage of the free tutors on campus!  I've seen fellow students flounder and it can be so easily remedied.  I've taken advantage of the math tutors on countless occasions and even the writing tutors!  Instead, they just drop when their grade lowers so they don't affect their GPA!  They're still paying for the course unfortunately.

There are many other reasons for the drop out rate in the United States.  One of the largest difficulties is financial pressure.  The amount of tuition for the average student is astronomically high and many middle class families can't afford to send their children to college.  According to a journal article on College Board called Trends in College Pricing 2009, colleges can charge up $35,000 or more for tuition costs per semester.  $126 Billion dollars has been awarded to students in Financial Aid.  Even with the buffer of financial aid, students feel the pressure of getting a high paying job after schooling in order to repay the crushing debt of school loans.  According to the National Center for Public Policy, 79% of Financial Aid students dropped when they were at Full-Time status at college.  Loans are now subsidized by the Federal Government rather than private banks, which helps in some respects, but pushes more students into verification.  This can delay students from getting their loans in on time before their classes begin.  Community colleges are becoming increasingly popular, because they can give students their first two years of college and prepare them for a bigger university or college where they may have to live away from home.  This decision also lowers the cost.  Ocean County College and Brookdale Community College are examples of community colleges that partner with large universities.  Ocean County College partners with Kean University and Brookdale Community College partners with Rutgers University.  Students can matriculate through both schools without having to live far from home and it lowers the cost of tuition.  I've seen students forced out because their loans are pushed into verifications, even with the community colleges making a more affordable alternative.  Make sure that all your documentation is in to the Financial Aid office as soon as possible to avoid any mishaps.  I've experienced difficulties with this myself, and it's no picnic.  I'm serious when I say that! 

There are things to remember before you decide to become another college dropout.  According to the United States Census Bureau, students who have a college education, stand to make twice as much per year than those with just a high school diploma.  In college, you can get recommendations, build up your resume, fall into lucrative intern positions and be able to obtain a job following your graduate education.  Sometimes that education may come later in life, but don't let that stop you from pursuing your dream.  The longer you put off your education, the harder it will be to find a career that will give you a stable happy lifestyle.  Choose the right major for you, because that can also play into a reason to drop.  Make sure you know what you want, before you start out your journey.  Talk to your college advisers, because they are paid to help you with your college experience.  Take advantage of study strategy seminars as well, because they can help you manage your time and keep you from feeling overwhelmed when exams and midterms arise.  For those who are considering college, whether you are in high school or you are an adult, look at all of your options.  Prepare yourself for the experience, whether it is going to a junior college or community college first, before a university or taking the college head start plan that some high schools offer.  College should be a fun and rewarding experience that you can learn and grow from, not to drop out and miss out on all the opportunities it can afford you.