Changing Schools (A Mobile Blog)

It's my last semester at Ocean County College and I'm finally starting to check out other schools. People tell me that this is the fun part, but I disagree for many reasons. I've been working on an English degree for what seems like eons, but I've always felt the need to write or have something to do with media. When my work with college radio came along, I started to wonder whether or not English was worth it to me. I had thought about taking another semester at OCC and completing the communications requisites, but that would mean wasting more time at a two year school. Another quandary is locale which, in my case, is a big fucking deal along with transportation. I've talked to the admissions counselor at Georgian Court University so far, but I'm not ruling out other schools. It's scary honestly and I just want to know that everything is done for the right reasons. I want pursue a career path that will make both happy and fulfilled, plus earn me enough money to live comfortably. I'm hoping to find a school to head me in the right direction. I'm going to work as hard as humanly possible this semester and enjoy the last months on campus. Things will be good!

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My Return to School (A Mobile Blog)

It's 2011 and I'm heading back to classes once more for Spring Semester. I'm very excited to be back because this will be my last full semester as an OCC student. I will push for Survey of Mathematics for over the Summer and then off to another University to further my studies. I will probably go to Kean University. This semester I'm taking my Biology 162 and the corresponding lab class, Native American Literature, and Communication Law. Plus, I will be back to radio once more. I'm happy about that. I'm very torn about the radio gig, because I really love it. I would love to pursue classes in it, but I would have to find a college that deals with that type of curriculum. That may be difficult, and I'm not sure how accessible that will be for me. I am unable to drive and transportation is a difficult commodity for me. Hopefully I will be able to work something out that will be in the best interest of my career and academic pursuits. I will write about it as things progress. I'm just glad to be on the way toward a brighter future.

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Social Networking (A Mobile Blog)

I will say this from the get go, social networking is a time suck. Facebook especially sets the tone for being one of the biggest time wasters ever. You can have what they call "facebook friends" which really fall under the category of barely close to being friends at all. This, of course, is subject to interpretation depending on the particular circumstance in which you know the individual in question. Twitter is actually less ridiculous but, you still have the twitter friend nonsense as well. The reason that Twitter is less ridiculous is that you don't have a stampede of ridiculous games and applications that constantly annoy you at every turn. MySpace was irritating like that and I thought Facebook was my out from that, but I guess not. Facebook was for college students and suddenly every person from the known universe became a part of it. It seemed to defeat the original purpose. That was the reason I joined it for the most part, not for virtual hugs. I'm sick of bulletin boards as well, because they're a time sucking bore too. How many times can you blather on about the same mundane topics before you run out of things to elaborate on? I can't keep saying, "I love this or I'm going to see this or look at this, blah blah blah." It helped me meet some nice people, but I barely see them and they don't really communicate with me all that often. It's not that it's anyone's fault; it's just life and lack of commonality. Some people always find new things to discuss but, my life is private for the most part and I'm not going to make an exception for the Internet on something as stupid as Facebook, Twitter, or MySpace. It's bad enough that I've bared too much of things already. On blogger, at the very least, I'm sharpening my writing skills instead of wasting my time on Farmville or Mafia Wars. I have better things to do with my time, such as reading, learning, enjoying my family, or leading a REAL life. If you take a week away from the computer and forget the people on your Facebook or Twitter, would the entire world crash? Not a chance! Furthermore, you will have a chance to breathe clean air and have a great time without the glare of a monitor or mobile phone. In conclusion, operation back to school and back to life is commencing as we speak. Au revoir!

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Interesting Evening; Interesting Day (A Mobile Blog)

I went out to dinner with my Dad this evening. This wasn't your average evening, because my Mom would've been 66 years old today. My plans were hasty in the making so that my father couldn't wriggle out of going with me. I told him that I'd take him anywhere he'd like to go. He chose his favorite diner, of course. I thought that this was going to be one of those melancholy, bittersweet evenings where we'd talk about Mom for most of the meal but, it was completely the opposite. We didn't even bring her up at all. At first I thought that it was completely creepy and then it hit me: Maybe this was the best way to get through this day. It's not that we'll forget her or not revere all of the wonderful memories that we have of her. We just have those in our heart and we can enjoy a dinner as father and daughter. I think that it would've been so painful for the two of us if Mom was the overt theme of meal. It's been almost seven months since my mother's passing away. I'm getting through it without incident, for the most part, aside from some physical pain from dealing with the aftershocks of familial discord. School is on my side and my life will be my own again. I know, in my heart, that nothing will change the occurrences of June 25, 2010. That logic is what keeps me from being a driveling mess. I can be very stoic about my life and sometimes physical pain manifests itself where emotions don't show up, but that's my burden to carry. George, my father, is similar in that respect. I think that's why the dinner turned out in the fashion in which I described it. We aren't the type to make issue over certain things. This may be healthy and it may not be, but I will leave that question to my psychoanalyst. I had a panic attack this morning. Again, it didn't feel like fear. It just felt like I was very sick physically. I felt fine one minute and next minute I was sweaty, shaky, and nauseated. The limbic system is very powerful. Tonight I think I'll read a book. Right now I'm reading Under Fishbone Clouds by Sam Meekings and I'm enjoying it immensely. Mom never liked books, so that love of reading was something that I received from my Dad. My grandmother loved to read though. I can remember skimming through her copy of the Thorn Birds when I was a child and seeing countless Harlequin Romance novels on her nightstands. My Mother's books were limited to two: The King James Version of the Holy Bible, for which she barely read, and Isis Unveiled by Madame Blavatsky, another book she's only skimmed. These texts were acquired during my Mother's tenure as a Spiritualist minister. My Father's books are either about politics or technology, and he has shelves overflowing with them. My husband and I have more books than we have shelves. Some of them I can't seem to part with, others are destined for the used bookstore. I digress to the former topic before my ramblings about literature. I think that my life is moving on at a steady pace and so is my Father's, but it's an adjustment I need to take in stride. Tonight was example of taking it in good form. I can take a deep breath now. Happy Birthday Mom!

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Following My Dreams (A Mobile Blog)

I've been having an agonizing reappraisal of my life. I want to move out of New Jersey. I think that if I finish my degree, I can move somewhere else and start a new life with Donald. I've worked my ass off with my English degree, but I think I deserve to do something more with it. I want to be a music journalist. I'm way to old for that probably, but I still want to do it and I don't want to give up on it entirely. I've also been interested in the disc jockey career too, although I don't know how that will pan out. I'm taking a communications course next semester, just to see how it goes. I just can't see living here living here in New Jersey if that is what I want to do. Don does graphic design and I'm sure he'd do better in a bigger city. I just want to change my life and for the better. This might be some stupid diatribe and, maybe, I'm thinking of impossible dreams, but I have to try something different. Maybe it was the glass of wine I drank this evening, but I really think change is in order.

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Peace and Quiet: The Beauty of Having Alone Time (A Mobile Blog)

In every individual we have a place or a well, if you will, that needs quenching. When we take that reservoir for granted, as if it has no bottom, we wear out and lose the very joy and healthfulness needed in our lives. This happens, especially when you work, schedule, and plan without taking care of yourself. We have to remember that nurturing one's self is extremely important. Often times we focus on other people such as bosses, friends, parents, siblings, co-workers, etc., and we lose sight of our emotional, mental, and even spiritual well-being. Spiritual does not necessarily mean religious; it can just mean the inspiration or the fire that brings you through every day. When you lose that; you stop believing in yourself and that is the loss of spirituality. You need to find the wealth and importance of having your own quality time. This quality time or what I call "you time," must come with a place. You must schedule this time, just as you would any other appointment. You must find a particular time and place for this "you time." Finding a location for this "you time" can be more challenging than dealing with the notion that you need this quality time. The busy hectic world we live in crowds out an easy refuge, but you can make those minutes if you just make some effort. Take the time to read the book you've always wanted to work through, write in your journal, work on some guided meditation, listen to some calming music, take a long walk, or even take a soothing nap. Finding time for yourself can replenish you and wipe away the mental and physical fatigue of stress. Find that corner of your world that is the least testing and relax. You'll find that it's worth it.

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My Friendship Quota (A Mobile Blog)

Do I have friends? You have to look at this from a very broad perspective because, I have a problem being a friend. Not that I hate people or I don't have friends, I'm just not very good at it. The term friend is very loose for me, as most of them are close, but I still feel very far away. Does this mean that I have emotional issues? Quite possibly! I have never been free with my personal feelings because, I have been hurt numerous times from being used over and over again. I figured that I would never put myself in that vulnerable position ever again, so I became unavailable. This was a safety measure that just seemed to make me feel lonely after a while. You can have the Internet, which can grant you friendships and that helped me make some great friendships but, I still keep people at arms length. My heart is very hardened when it comes to people and I don't know if that will ever change. People see me as a kind person and I try so hard to be as congenial as possible. The people that are in my life, no matter how far away they are, are people I care about. I just have a problem sharing my life with them or with anyone these days, other than Don. What happened with Mom didn't really help me at all. It kind of made it worse for me. Socializing went down to a minimum and I've become very withdrawn. How can I fix this terrible issue? I have some real soul searching to do. I have to find a way to make my life open up and find a sense of joy and fortitude. Right now, things are very grey and dim. This is not the way a person should live. I'm not going to give up hope but, I don't think I'll be that communicative for a while. I don't really have all that much to say anyway. I'll let you know when that changes.

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It's a Brand New Year

This the first day of 2011 and a brand new start for everyone! This is the time to shed old habits, make new changes, foster a new sense of hope, and look toward a brighter future. Things have been tumultuous and it's time to turn a corner. I can only wish that you all have a bright and healthy New Year. 2011 is a step forward toward a second chance. May your dreams come true and your destiny turns in your favor.

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