Dramatic Addiction

My name is Denise and I'm addicted to drama.  I'm sure I'm not the only one in that position in life.  There are a multitude of people who thrive on calamitous situations.  These individuals push on from one scenario to the next, shrouding themselves with troubles.  These people feel as they are victims of the fates, and that there lives are destined to be wronged.  Some people have this type of magnetic quality when it comes to tumultuous relationships, whether it be romantic or friendship.  This may have to do with a need for chaos or catastrophic situations as a choice, because it causes some kind of thrill.  This is almost like an addiction.  The person feels this need to have that kind of negative attention.  Narcissism may also play a part in the issue, because said individual always wants someone else to "feel sorry for them."  The arousal from the pandemonium eventually just begins to wear away at the person, and it just seems to become this endless frustrating cycle.  To begin the cessation of this cyclical problem, you have to comprehend the base cause of this addiction.

There has a to be a way to find joy in our lives, rather than pain and suffering.  We are so accustomed to living in such an obstacle ridden world that we don't see an easier way to live.  If we look at an easier lifestyle filled with peace and contentment, we feel apprehension, because we feel like there are strings attached.  The dramatic scenarios, that occur in our lives, have many purposes.  Discontentment causes your body to produce the natural chemical adrenaline, which gives a "high" feeling.  It's a ridiculous version of being an adrenaline junkie without the kind you get from extreme sports.  Many people, who suffer with drama addiction,  seek the comfort of emotional support from others.  Dramatic events solidify their victimization, and the addiction properties are fed through the growing intensity of the problem.  You have to understand that you have a need for this type of emotional feed.  It's like facing any addiction, such as alcoholism or drug addiction.  You have to admit that you have a problem.  This is the first step in the process of your recovery, because you have to be one to face it head on.

There is an underlying need for dramatic situations.  To address this need, you can journal your feelings.  This is an important tool that can help you put those feelings to paper and analyze them.  After you write these feelings over and over again, you begin to see your patterns and have some clarity when it comes to your mistakes.  When you look at your emotions on the pages, and your responses to dramatic situations, you can see what you can do to avoid these problems and choose healthy solutions.  You can choose to not take part in that type of chaotic difficulty.  You can choose to take the peaceful route and enjoy your life.  Every time you write down your feelings, you can see your triggers and learn from them.  I write down my triggers all of the time.  Being addicted to drama doesn't constitute being addicted to relationships filled with domestic abuse or being a criminal, I just simply put myself in situations that were my own undoing.  So I'm learning every day that I have a right to be happy without discord.

No More Extra Websites!

For a very long time I made websites.  Most of these websites were just novelty sites.  You may consider them stupid because, to be perfect honest, I do at this point in time.  Today, with the financial climate being so tight, I had to get rid of a couple superfluous webspaces.  One of them was a space that I've had for almost seven years, if you could believe it.  This website, that has been with me for so long, was wiped out within a matter of minutes.  It was something that was fun for a very long time, and it was mostly created it because for my love of music.  There was another webspace that was just sitting there, which was never used for the most part, that I got rid of as well.  Really there was no sadness, other than a little nostalgia.  The first site that I was mentioning was my Richard Marx fansite.  That was such a fun site to work on, and it evolved and changed so many times.  After a while, I just stopped working on it.  It didn't really mean that much to me anymore and it was creating an expense that was becoming an excess.  The same was holding true with the other site.  I have decided that having urls, unless you are using them for revenue purposes, are ridiculous to pay for. 

There are so many different things that you can do on the web that don't consist of spending egregious amounts of money.  I would rather take a free blog on here, run a Facebook, or have a Twitter account than have a website that isn't really doing anybody any good.  I loved the Richard Marx website very much but, really, how many people were actually visiting that.  I can't keep myself from chuckling when I think about it.  The other website I was going to run a blog through, but that never really happened when I found this place.  So that other url kind of became dusty and cost me money every month for being unused.  It was hosting images for the most part.  I was also hosting some music until I could transfer it to another computer, which isn't altogether on the up and up.  Needless to say that was only a very temporary venture.  I kept thinking to myself, "Why do I bother using this extra webspace for images when I have a Xanga with unlimited hosting space?"  That's when I realized that this was just stupid.  I have a Lifetime account with Xanga and a free account here, I don't really need all that extra garbage.  If I needed a url for this blog that badly, I could buy one cheaply with Go-Daddy.  I could even get one under my husband's plan.  I just don't need one!  After today's cancellations, I saved myself almost $40 in charges.  I feel really good about all of that.  So long Richard Marx fansite!  I will miss you but, hello savings.

This Has to Stop! It's Time to Shut the Door!

This is going to seem more like a journal entry today, but bear with me anyway.  Sunday I spent some time with my sister sorting through some more of my Mother's things.  Most of the stuff we sorted was either for good will or to the dumpster, but it was very odd.  I have gone through the whole phase where I felt the uncontrollable part, now things seem reflective.  I'm afraid to sort the memories out too much and I, certainly, do not want to over analyze them.  I wanted to absorb the sadness that my sister felt today.  I wanted to take away the pain that she felt; that she was enduring over all of this.  I hated that I felt so even headed over it.  I felt that maybe I was missing something that should be there.  Could it be because I saw her first hand?  I keep wringing my hands and trying to think of an answer.  Being contemplative really doesn't accomplish anything, but I really don't comprehend any other way to sort this.  I guess sorting through the items and packing them in garbage bags kind of felt like I was intruding on her life.  I felt like I was taking away part of her and throwing it all away, like she was refuse.  I felt almost like I was being hurtful in a way, but it was something that needed to happen.  It was unflappable and inevitable; it needed to be removed.  I wasn't feeling overly thrown over it, but I have to admit to some apprehension.

I'm one of those people who goes into a situation without feeling the need to weep.  I don't know if that has anything to do with me being hard hearted or if I just have some kind of genetic or psychological defect of some sort.  The funny part is that I have more of a tough time dealing with the death of a pet, than the death of a person.  I feel really awful by saying that, but it is absolutely one-hundred and fifty percent true.  Maybe it's due to having more of a complicated relationship with my human family, but I can't really tell.  I'm really clueless on the matter at hand.  When my cat Curley passed away, I spent the whole day bawling.  I don't mean just weeping; I mean bawling on my pillow in my apartment.  It was one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my entire life.  To this day, it still chokes me up to think about it.  Now my Mother's passing hurts in a different way.  It's more of a empty feeling that I just can't seem to shake.  I've done the crying thing, and that is not the issue.  It's like this dull ache and it hurts, but I push through it.  My Dad is like me, because I can see that he's dealing with it in the same manner.  Oddly enough, I thought he was going to be more like my kid sister.  It turned out that my older sister and younger sister were just like Mom in the emotion department, while Dad and I steered the same direction.

I am really hoping that there is a time where I can just move past this.  I want to get all of that stuff out of the room, so I don't have to look at it anymore.  I want it for Daddy and I want it for the family.  This is something that needs to happen so that we can enter the next phase of our lives.  It's as if we are in stasis.  Unable to move on with things as they should, because there is this obstacle that barriers us from moving down the road.  Another thing that hasn't been done yet, and I know this is going to be very very hard, is the spreading of the ashes.  That is going to be so hard for all of us.  To me, it will see so freeing to let her go.  I know she wouldn't want to just sit in a silicone and metal urn.  On the other hand, talking about this feels extremely maudlin and I will stop right here and now.  Sorry if I made anybody uncomfortable.  When this is all said and done, I feel like I will be free.  I know Mom would want that for me.  I'm sick of writing about this.  I'm sick of having this clog my brain like a fucked up sink.  This has to end, because life has to start up as it should.  Happiness and peace needs to come back to my life.  I need to shut this door!  I need to have hope again.

Times Change

As my days click by I wonder, "Am I really the person I thought I would be at thirty-eight?"  I remember when I was a kid, and I thought that the world was going to be so much different by the time I was in my thirties.  You know when you dream of the world when it hit the year 2000.  I thought that we would live in a land filled with electric cars that floated on the air and robots would be serving us dinner.  I thought our world would be more like the Jetsons.  Instead, it seems the world is almost the same.  The only differences are the advance in communications.  I think that most of the world differs, because technology removed the need for being outdoors.  I remember when I was a kid, we didn't really have that much in the way of video game technology.  We went outside to play.  I rode my big wheel or played soccer with my friends and neighbors.  The world seemed so different then.  I didn't really have any connections with anyone that lived halfway around the globe, much less anyone who lived two towns away from me.  The only exception would be my cousins and other extended family.  I was busy exploring the woods near my house, and sometimes getting poison ivy.  I use to build makeshift forts with my sister and my friends.  We would ride our bikes down the trails and just enjoy the outdoors. 

During my days in early education and all the way through high school, there wasn't much in the way of technology.  There was a small course within middle school that pertained to the Apple IIC computers, which dealt with elementary aspects of programming and the use of basic DOS systems.  When I was at the end of middle schooling, math tutorials had their work on computer terminals with basic DOS setups.  These were your ancient versions of the IBM computer.  I can even remember the model.  We didn't have cellular phones and texting all through high school.  Things were limited to passing notes through class.  If you were caught, the note was read in front of the class, which was completely mortifying.  Especially if the subject matter was of a questionable nature.  I do remember, however, that I had the Commodore 64 computer.  I remember typing code all day on the computer just for simple programs.  I also remember having computers that went on very simple BBS boards, which were extremely primitive versions of chat rooms.  This was such a big deal when I was a kid.  Now kids have World of Warcraft and dozens of different communication clients and games to use on the internet.  Skype is a client you use on your cellphone and your computer.  With invention of laptops and mini-notebooks, you can take your computer where ever you go.  That was something I could only have wished for when I was a kid.

Now with the invention of game systems like the X-BOX and the Nintendo Wii, nobody seems to see as much sunlight as they used to.  I have to say that I am just as guilty as the next, because I spend a great deal of time writing on my computer when I should be outside and on the beach.  I can almost say that I wish things didn't arrive so quickly when it came to this amount of technology, but it's something that made our lives easier in the long run.  Cellphones are very handy.  If my husband's car were to breakdown, he could call the auto club to help him and he could call me up.  My BlackBerry, which is a type of cellphone, helps me to keep track of my classes, my appointments, my schedules, my assignments, and other important items.  With the convenience of a laptop or notebook, I can take notes from class without having the tediousness of a paper notebook.  It is more efficient and definitely assures me that I get all of my notes down without missing any of the data.  It is also handy for typing papers without worrying about getting the space in the computer lab.  I am thankful for those advances in technology, because they definitely give us the chance to improve how we function educationally.  You can practically find any information that you need for papers online anymore.  Journal articles for medical, historical, etc., can be found in assorted library databases all around the world and are able in catalogues right through your college libraries or even your public libraries.  It's absolutely amazing.  We never had that when I was a kid.  We had encylopedia Brittanica or you had to go into the library and find the book.  I still take joy in looking for books in the library for the information used in thesis statements.  The smell of library books is so soothing.  I know that it sounds corny, but I can get lost in the stacks.  It's something that I became addicted to from the first time my mother took me to the public library as a little one.  I can remember the first book that I checked out.  It was Madeleine!  I loved that book.  Since then, every book was better than the next.

I can't remember how we became such a nosey culture though.  I remember a time when people weren't so interested in whether or not someone like Britney Spears was driving her child around without a car seat.  Maybe I wasn't old enough to really notice that our culture was obsessed with tabloid fodder, or that kind of behavior wasn't splashed all over the television set for anyone to hear.  It seemed that the boom of the millenium, meant that the everyone had the right to see what a celebrity looked like underneath their clothes or how they looked when they've drank a full bottle of vodka.  It's really absurd and completely disgusting.  I've also noticed that there are celebrities who really haven't accomplished anything that would cause them to be celebrities other than coming from money.  I will give you two examples:  The Kardashians and the Hilton sisters.  Sometimes I go through the checkout lines and I see all of these horrible things about people.  Funny thing is I don't know half of the names on the magazine covers.  Does that make me old, or just out of the loop?  Maybe it just means that I am really boring.  All I know is that it's ugly.  Most of the women on those covers look like the poster children for breast implants and restylane.  I was watching Entourage last night, and Beverly D'Angelo, who was also in National Lampoon's Vacation and its various sequels, had so much work done on her face that it was unbelievable.  It was one of the most obvious facelifts that I have seen in a while.  Not that she didn't look good, because she did, but you could see that there was some work done.  Heather Locklear, Cher, and Priscilla Presley are the women who should be kicking their plastic surgeons in the balls.  The sad thing is I've only seen it in the checkout line.

I remember a simpler time, when MTV played music and VH1 played adult contemporary music.  I remember enjoying the thrill of buying cassettes and records from the store, and playing video games at the arcade.  My free time was spent at the mall as a teenager rather than at a computer.  Now you can post every move you make on Twitter, every mood you have on Facebook, and if you do go to the mall you can check in on Foursquare.  You can publish your writing on a Blog or viral your video creations on YouTube.  Downloading your music replaces buying from a music store and you can rent your movies from Netfix instead of Blockbuster.  Even politics has changed, because it's become just as sensationalized as tabloid celebrity.  We have the fear of overpollution and many hope for clean energy.  You would almost think that by now that we would be running on electric cars.  It didn't seem to work the way people thought it would.  I guess my thoughts were overblown.  I thought that by now I would have two kids and a station wagon, but now I realize that wasn't a realistic goal.  I didn't know that things would change the way it did this year.  There is no way to predict the future.  Everyone has their version of how things would look.  Some people thought our lives would be as modern as Blade Runner or 2010 a Space Odyssey, but it turns out that version of modern was just fantasy.  What do you think the year 3000 will look like?  I think that our planet will be a flaming ball of crap by then, but I will be long gone, so what do I know. HA!

Movie Podpie

You have to check out this really incredible movie podcast and movie review site called Movie Podpie Podcasts and Movie Reviews.  Click on www.moviepodpie.com to listen to this week's review on the new film Inception! 

Anxiety

I have never been one of those people who can give everything in my life away.  I write a great deal of things down for many people to see but, for the most part, that is a mere fraction of my life.  I'm guarded.  Whether or not that is life experience that has taught me that or it's instinct alone, I'm really not sure.  My brain can't really fight that reflex.  I have something that I am willing to give up.  For instance, today I went through this horrific anxiety attack.  The reasons behind that attack can't ever bubble to the surface.  This isn't a case of being selfish, but my nature won't let me.  If I tell you what bothers me, than I have to experience that problem all over again, by exposing myself for everyone to see.  I'm not a criminal and no I'm not crazy; I'm just suffering with feeling that the past is always gaining on me.  Mostly because it's part of my life, for the rest of my life.  I have suffered with panic attacks and anxiety attacks as a result of holding and repressing much of the difficult issues in my life.  I have gone through through traumatic events, which I cannot discuss within this format.  Those events, as well as my current neurological condition, affect my social interactions a great deal.  I fear how I come across to people, because I lose time very often.  I can't ever say when this happens because, when I notice, I am mortified that I missed a segment of conversation or occurring event.

For many people who suffer with anxiety, it can be crippling.  It's almost as if somebody is taking away your freedom by sacking you with insatiable fear.  This fear can occur just with the sensation of a trigger.  Many people who suffer from these issues have a hard time discussing the motives behind them, because they are the stimuli that gives them the greatest harm they've ever known.  Some of it may come from trauma or an unstable form of event that occurred within the past.  I have what they consider Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which is linked to my clinical depression.  Luckily I have found a medication that works for both of these medical conditions, though I still get mild panic attacks from time to time.  For those who have suffered traumatic events, such as those who are victims of crime or those who are soldiers or war veterans, may suffer what American Psychiatric Association calls Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  This can also lead to panic attacks, depression, and other related conditions.  Many of these patients also lead to conditions of self medication, such as alcoholism or drug addiction.  They used to call this disorder "shell shock" in earlier years.  Panic disorder, anxiety attacks, or even PTSD can exhibit symptoms ranging from nausea and vomiting with a real fear of dying to flashbacks and hallucinations. 

The valuable tool that I have found over the years, when it to working my anxiety, was the use of combining cognitive therapy with the medical treatment.  The hardest part was finding the right therapist and the psychiatrist.  Sometimes there are doctors who feel the need to overmedicate and don't feel that they necessarily need to communicate with your other doctors in order to find the right treatment options.  For instance, I am an epileptic.  I had to find a special psychiatrist to deal with my psychotherapy, a neuropsychiatrist.  This psychiatrist keeps in touch with my neurologist to make sure that they keep records of any changes in dosages when it comes to my medicines so adjustments can be made accordingly.  Now with a therapist, there is another problem.  There are therapists in the world that find it there mission in life to make you feel as bad or even worse than you possibly can.  All they want to do is get you in and out of the room before your time is even up.  These are the "professionals" that you need to avoid.  Look at the reviews for your psychotherapists, because it will benefit you in the long run.  A little bit of research can save you a boatload of bad advice from a professional nightmare.  I will say this and, as the APA says, "treatments of anxiety disorders do not work immediately,"  Things take time, and you may not be able to reveal everything for a very long time.  You may never reveal the cause behind it.   Try to be as resolute with your life as you possibly can, because you only have one right now.  Unless the Buddhists are right, and you have a second try.  I wouldn't experiment with that theory! 

Last Wishes

I was watching a video journal entry that a musician made the other day.  He answered select questions made by fans.  I remember one question that I found particularly interesting.  It was the topic of the "bucket list".  I had never heard of this concept before, or ever for that matter.  I was wondering to myself, "How do you actually make a concise list of things that you want to do before you die?"  Are these lists only of things that you haven't done and you would like to accomplish or can they be events that you wish to repeat once more because you loved them so much?  I figure that this is something that could be a combination of both.  I would also think that my bucket list should include things that I specifically want to avoid, although that may be left in more of a will perspective.  The Bucket List, as I have come to understand it this afternoon, was popularized by a movie made in 2007 starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.  Both characters are dying and choose to fulfill as many of their dreams as possible before their lives end.  I always find it interesting how pop culture finds a way to a simple "list of things to do before you die" and make it a pop culture reference with one film.

There are many different ways to spread your wishes in this life.  You can even put your wishes on a banyan tree in Hong Kong.  It's true!  The Lam Tsuen wishing trees are shrines in which people put their paper wishes on the tree by throwing them up with an orange.  I guess that's one way to pin your hopes on something.  I have never been one of those people who wished for the world before I kick the bucket or so to speak.  I know that we can't have everything in life.  We all have dreams that we hold on to, and I definitely have those.  For instance, I want to grow old on the Jersey Shore.  Some people want to leave the place where they were born and get as far away as they can, but I really don't.  If I wanted to live anywhere else, it would be Scotland.  I would want that, because I know that would be my husband's dream.  I would always want to be near the water.  My other dream would be to write for a living, and just to have my own column in a magazine or newspaper.  These are real life dreams that, for all intents and purposes, could come true, but I wouldn't sit on my ass and wait for it to happen.  In the meantime, I do other things that get me ahead.  I go to school to try and get a career, and I do what I can to get by.  If I grow old with my husband and I live out the rest of my life with him, that is really all the bucket list I need.  Even if all the other stuff doesn't pan out, my life will be perfect. 

I think we go through life with distinct fear that we have accomplished nothing.  We try and try to do as much as we possibly can and sometimes we run like a rat on a wheel.  Maybe we forget to take time to smell the roses and enjoy what life has to offer, and realize what we enjoy.  Some people have this harsh one track mind that keeps them from enjoying the diversity of life.  If we did that, maybe we wouldn't have a huge bucket list, or maybe our bucket list would have more interesting wishes.  I could never live a humdrum existence of doing something that I absolutely hated, but sometimes many people have to.  Really the only thing you can do is make the best of it by filling in the gaps with the stuff you love.  Capture as many of the little things as you can, when you can.  You never know when that chance may be fleeting.  I guess I started to feel this way after my Mom passed away recently.  She seemed to do as much as she could have done in her life, but I wonder if there were some things that she wished for and never got the chance to fulfill.  In a way that saddens me.  For my whole life, I have lived for the moment.  I used to think that was irresponsible of me, but I really don't anymore.  My favorite quote from Steel Magnolias aptly says how I feel about life.  "I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." ~Shelby Latcherie

Chronicle of Yesterday

I went with my kid sister, Lenore, to Eagle Point with my father yesterday and I hadn't been down to that beach by he river in almost thirteen years.  The last time I was down there was with my Mom and my kid sister.  So Lenore and I went out by the dock where we used to go fishing and crabbing as kids and I welled up a bit.  I kept thinking so much about my life and how fast it's gone by.  The reason we were there was for a community picnic.  My father didn't want us to miss some of it, so that's how we made it there.  Even as a I write this, I still cry about all of this.  I somehow feel so foolish that I can't get past some of this.  It doesn't seem so much like grieving, but real nostalgia.  I feel this honest and genuine gratitude for all of things my Mom taught me.  Like fishing with a bobber with a bamboo pole or building sand castles on the beach.

The Eagle Point beach has changed so much itself, because the sand has eroded so much that the parking lot is bigger than the beach itself.  It's kind of sad, because the water actually comes up to the pavillion now.  I sat there and had a hot dog and some salad.  I actually talked to some of my Mom's old friends and explained what happened last month, which was kind of difficult.  I hated having to rehash the whole experience, but I really couldn't get around it.  Ah well!  My Dad was happy that I went, because I know that he was kind of blue that morning.  He usually went with Mom to these events.  I was a bit apprehensive, so he called my sister when I initially declined, so my sister kind of shamed into the whole event.  I guess I am an awful daughter, but I really try not to be.  I just don't like to be around people that I don't necessarily know.

Last night was much better though!  I went with my two sisters and my kid sister's husband to see the Peek-a-Boo Burlesque Revue at the Asbury Lanes.  It was really fun and it was actually humourous at times.  I thought it was going to be stripper-like, but I was pleasantly surprised that it was kind of tasteful.  They had the Betty Page kind of thing going, with the pinup look to some of the girls.  They had some of the fifties look to some of the girls, but then there was some contemporary bits that made the show very unexpected.  I really thought it was interesting.  I don't know if I would have ever chosen to go and see that type of show on my own, because it wouldn't have been my thing.  At least in my mind.  It was fun though!  I have to bring Donald the next time, because I think he'll enjoy himself too.

Ophelia! (A Mobile Blog)

I remember when this little one was the length of about ten inches in total! She was her Daddy's holiday present in December 1996. I remember seeing her for the first time at Pet Depot. She was in a pen with two Jack Russell Terriers and she busted through both of them to take a peek at my Mom and I. When I saw her, I knew that she was going to be our little girl. I remember calling Donald, my husband, on the telephone to explain about her. I remember him also saying, "Honey no!" Finally I was able to lure him to see her and he held her for the first time. I could see the tears well up in his eyes and he smiled sheepishly and said, "Damn you." I signed the paperwork and she was quarantined for her vaccinations. Then she came home to us. I remember she was dressed in a little red sweater with a red harness and leash. I was working as a market researcher and when my husband would pick me up she would always come with him. My co-workers loved her. My whole family loved Ophelia from the start. We used to take her for rides in the car and she would come for visits to see my parents, my husband's parents, the park, and so many other places. Ophelia is the only dog I know who is excited to go to the vet. We've moved a few times and even with the change in space, Ophelia has always taken it all in stride. She unconditionally loves most everyone she meets, though the animal world can be debatable at times. Lately she has taken great strides in that area I must say. Her vivacious playful nature was always her biggest deal, but she's calmed down some now. Our little girl is hitting her golden years and at fourteen, we are spoiling her rotten. For those who call dogs "man's best friend" I think you are a bit mistaken in your term. Ophelia, our dog, is a "humanity's best friend." She has been with us as long as we have been married and we love her so dearly!
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Posted via email from Summer Writing

Housewife

As I was wiping the counters in my kitchen this afternoon I got to thinking.  Over the years I have done many different jobs.  I have been a factory worker, a cashier, a market researcher, a call receiver, an assembly line worker, an amusement park worker, a receptionist, and a salesperson.  I have been married for almost fifteen years now, and a housewife for the bulk of those years.  I never really thought of that as a job really.  Maybe because, in a sense, it was thankless or that it's never really recognized as such.  I'm a student as well, but that is only during certain parts of the year and that isn't my primary life.  I guess that I never really took stock in this part of my life because of my lack of children.  I have pets, and those are my kids.  They actually take more care than you realize.  Right now I am also taking care of my Dad, which doubles my domestic work.  This is therapeutic for me!  It's doing something I never realized it could ever do.  It's taking away my need to dwell.  I just flick on my favorite Bollywood music station and off to work I go.  I'm still wondering, as I push the lever on the spray cleaner, "Was this what I had always intended?"

My Mom always did the housewife thing and didn't seem to question it.  She seemed to fall into that role so easily, but I never really knew if she was truly happy.  Did she fall into such an abyss, because she was stuck at home for thirteen years?  I mean she seemed alright to me, but people are able to hide things when they want to.  I know I have kept things under wraps until someone like my husband came along; someone who could see me without prejudice.  Of course, I was always too sensitive for my own good.  I wonder if maybe I am falling into that trap and I don't know it.  That really scares me in a way, because it makes me think that she may have resented us in some small way.  I know that when I get things done and cleaned up the way I want it, I feel really good about it.  If I do something and get it accomplished, I'm good with it.  I like to cook and make stuff for Don.  I like to prepare things with Don.  It gives me this sense of family and I really hope that is what Mom had with us.  I hope that sitting in front of those soap operas all day wasn't her way of just getting away from us.

I can understand wanting to escape from the everyday or thinking that maybe you are stuck in something that is lackluster in comparison to a normal career.  I feel that grip many times over.  I see my friends, who are so smart and literate, shine in their careers.  I don't feel necessarily envious, but I am wishful.  I am happy for them, because they worked so hard to get where they are and they deserve all of their successes in life.  I felt like kind of a slacker and a dumbass in a way for a while.  I know that I have some strikes against me, but I will never claim them as an excuse.  That's why I pushed my ass through school again.  I may be the oldest person in my classes, but I'm still just as willing to learn.  I am just as eager to be there.  I'm a happy housewife who finds her rewards there, but I want to find rewards outside of that venue.  I want to be both of these people.  I'm proud of my domestic side, because I get to share that with my husband.  I get that sense of family that comes with that job and that's something you don't have in a regular job.  I still would like to further myself in both professions.  Wish me luck!

I'm Just a Blogger with a Dream of Greatness

I've been doing this blog for a while now.  I can't believe that I am already three months in just about!  This is a challenge to myself, in a sense.  I'm empowering myself to write something every day.  If I miss a day I write two entries the next.  Some days are long essays, some days are short mobile blogs.  Some of these are my memoirs, and some are just interesting current events or topics I feel like elaborating on.  Even though I am having a great time with it, I'm starting to wonder if my words are hitting the hopeless internet abyss.  I think it's almost like the Julie Powell effect, minus the extraneous profanity and the narcissism.  I really don't want to use that kind of example, because I'm not doing some kind of stunt where I'm going through a cookbook and terrorizing my husband with my lack of cooking skills.  Although, in her case, it was the reverse when it came to the cooking for the most part.  I wish that I was that novel.  In this case, I am a simple blogger with the hopefully romantic vision that someone will eventually read my words and say, "WOW!  She is actually a good writer."  Right now, after thinking that, I can't help but chortle.  If that happened, pigs would fly.  My Facebook friend used that apt saying for another reason, but it is definitely a multipurpose anecdote.  I'm finding, more and more, that impossible dreams come into my brain these days.  I'm beginning to think that it's a result of my Mom passing.  I'm feeling that life's too short tightness in my grey delco.  I wish I was this impassioned earlier in my life, but I guess I should take advantage of it now.  It's not even really impassioned, it's more like whimsical.  I guess there isn't really anything that I can see to restrain me from writing honestly.  I feel like a dam has broken loose with my feelings and thoughts in a forum for all to see.  I don't know if everyone sees it, but it's fun to think that there are many people doing so.   

Maybe it's because this blog doesn't have a direct vision or an overall subject.  I don't know if I could write about one thing constantly.  There would be that element of boredom that would creep in and the writing would run away from me.  I know with BlogHer, they want me to gear my blog toward women, but how can I really do that?  I can't write about the perfect tampon or the perfect man.  That whole business has been drawn out and quartered by so many other authors over the years.  Who would really want my acumen on the subject in the first place?  I'm not a doctor in any of those subjects!  It always seems like most of the female geared blogs have some sort of activity that women prefer or a subject that is a hot button female issue.  I don't think I am libelous or nor do I misrepresent women.  In fact, I think I celebrate them by being an independent blogger.  I just wish that I had a broader audience, but I wish I knew who my audience would be.  That is the multi-million dollar question!  If someone could elaborate on that, believe me, I would love the input!  I think more or less, I write something that affects me with the hope that someone else can connect with it in some way, shape, or form.  I don't have to the power to write fiction, but I have plenty of truth to share with everyone.  Hopefully one day there will be more people willing to enjoy it with me.  

Verbal Diarrhea

If there is something that people could remember me by, it would be my lack of tact.  There is always that time where someone needs my input and what slips out is advice blanched with the awful truth.  Why is it so hard for me to be completely comforting to someone or at least complimentary?  I'm beginning to think that I am suffering with some kind of brain defect that makes me terribly blunt or way too outspoken.  There should be a volunteer program whereas you can install a v-chip that you can turn on and off during social situations.  This could censor and or alter certain responses to different situations that may cause you to air a very disconcerting response.  Sometimes there are moments that make me question whether or not I am good person at all?  Then again, I am a me, me, me person at times.  Isn't everyone though?  Is there anyone who is completely selfless in nature?  If you aren't, then there is no possible way that you can exist without withering away or at least suffering in some nature.  You have to give yourself a bit of attention or you will find yourself in situation where you are constantly taken advantage of.  That's another reason why I have always come across so tough.  I was always the meek nerdy kind of girl who really didn't have a ton of friends as a child.  When I got older, I was very naive and was taken advantage of by men.  So eventually, when I developed a thick skin, I became tougher, blunt, and very honest.  I have a feeling that it comes down to being too honest for my own good.  Luckily I was able to find a man who adored me for my blunt honesty, because I don't think there would be anyone else that would be able to put up with me.  My experiences have made me a person that one shouldn't be.  Is there a cure for that insanity?

I try so much to understand the mixture that is the human psyche, but it is definitely a mystery.  People go to psychiatrists and analysts trying to debunk their issues.  I know I do but, let's face it, there are plenty more in my position.  People are sad, people are happy, people are wronged, people are robbed, people are lost, and we all need to be found in some way.  Every day I long to find a way to find myself, my true self.  I know that's like fielding the holy grail.  Every person struggles with how much of themselves they are willing to share.  That's like parting with lottery money.  If people find out how much you have, they will take as much as they can grab from you.  Although that may seem like propaganda or even paranoia, that really stands to be more true than you can ever realize.  It seems that when you are hurting, there is always someone you have to hide that hurt from.  There is always someone you can't give that part of yourself away to.  Is it because of manipulation?  Unfortunately yes!  Maybe this is because of fear of manipulation too.  It can also be fear of someone who is overly critical.  This is the category that I try so very hard not to fall into.  My own father is terribly critical and it flows through my genes like a festering disease from both sides of my gene pool.  Not to say that both of my parents aren't endearing individuals, but my father has it and my mother certainly did while she was alive.  I'm just hoping that one day, I can find a way to reverse my genetic flaw and be a nicer and more cordial human being.  Hopefully admitting I have a problem is the step toward that future.  My name is Denise and I have Verbal Diarrhea.  It doesn't sound nice, but I'm willing to find a way to cure it!

A Culinary Endeavor

I decided to channel my inner Madhur Jaffrey this evening.  My husband Don and I have been wanting to do something different with the standard salmon fare we usually have during the week.  I was watching this show called the Spice Goddess on the new Cooking Channel.  Bal Arneson, the television chef on the program, was making this wonderful dish called Salmon with Coconut Sauce.  This dish has all of these lovely spices like cardamom seeds, coriander, fennel seeds, brown mustard seeds, fresh cracked pepper, and fresh ginger.  My husband and I found the perfect tomato at the market and some beautiful salmon fillets from the fish mongor.  We grabbed some coconut milk along the way, and then off home to make a fantastic meal.  Both of us were surprised how easy it was to make the meal.  We cooked the salmon by searing it, in a bit of vegetable oil, until it was cooked through on both sides.  We decided to just cook both the sauce and the fish in vegetable oil, because the other oils were so pricey and the taste was just as great!  While Don was busy working with the salmon, I was assembling the sauce by sauteing my ginger, spices and diced tomato.  Then when they were thoroughly cooked, I added a cup of coconut milk.  The fragrances around the room were unbelievable.  When the salmon finished, Don added fresh squeezed lemon and fresh cracked pepper.  I steamed some string beans to accompany and ladled the sauce over the fish.  It was awesome!  Paired it with a merlot and a soundtrack of classic hindi bollywood songs!  What a fantastic evening! 

If you want to try this recipe for yourself, click here!

Random Thoughts and Emotions Fueled by Grief

"This feather may look worthless, but it comes from afar and carries with it all my good intentions." ~June from the "Joy Luck Club" 

That quote from the Joy Luck Club kind of sticks with me.  It almost seems more poingant now than it did when I first heard it all of those years ago.  My Mom would do things for my sisters and I that seemed a bit trivial when we were younger and now I realize how important those things were.  I always have to remind myself that I need to move forward and not feel so trapped by the heartache.  Tonight was the second time I cried for my Mother.  I didn't even get emotional at her memorial.  I think that it's just me trying to be strong, but I'm beginning to realize that it's me avoiding grief.  I don't mean to do this to dishonor my Mother, because that is not my intent.  Some of the strength comes from anger, because I feel as if some of the issues that happened, she could've prevented.  The other part of it comes from the need to be strong for both of my sisters and my father.  Tonight, when I realized that I will never have her to talk to anymore, the wall came down.  When I realized all of the good things that she meant for us to do, even though we fought her on them, made us the people we are today.  Like making us go for swimming lessons or teaching me my multiplication tables.  Even when my Mom gave us those silly stocking stuffers during the holidays, they came with the best of intentions and love.  When my Mother saw her oldest daughter for the first time in 18 years, it seemed that all of that time vanished and she took her back.  It didn't seem to matter that all of those years escaped her, because she was willing to make up for all of it.  She instilled that unconditional love onto us.  She always had that kind of spirit, and she figured that it was important that we carried that along.  Sometimes I find it hard to be that compassionate, but it came to her easily.

Things weren't always easy for her and I.  There was plenty of resentment over different ideas for how my life should be run.  It seemed to sit with me over the years, even though I tried not to let it overwhelm me.  I never realized why she was like that, but it occurs to me that maybe that type of doting was something that was lacking in her own childhood.  I've heard stories about what happened to my Mother during certain parts of her life, but much of it wasn't spoken of until we were older.  I remember how resentful I was when Mom kept the knowledge of my sister from my little sister and I for a huge chunk of our childhood.  Now I can comprehend why she did it but, back then, I hated her for it.  Now I feel like I wasted very valuable time being angry with her, and I regret it terribly.  When you are young, your feelings are extremely impulsive to say the very least.  I may have been like my Father, because I internalized a great deal of my thoughts and feelings over the years.  The one thing that I didn't pick up from my Father was his critical nature.  This is something I can never get around, but Mom used to try to break it down and make me understand.  She was the only one who could smooth that out, but sometimes I thought that she just wanted me to swallow that garbage.  That made me so angry with her, because she made it like I shouldn't be offended by that at all.  I realize that she just wanted peace and harmony in the home.  Whether or not that meant taking that verbal diarrhea, well so be it.   Maybe she wanted me develop a thick skin where that is concerned, but I'll never really know now.

It was really hard to know what my Mother intended sometimes, for many reasons.  I can write a laundry list of different occurences that left me scratching my head.  Some of them seemed to work for the ones she was helping, but really didn't work out well for my little sister and I.  With my older sister, well she had her family in South Jersey.  She didn't really have to deal with the everyday issues.  These things weren't hurtful or anything of that nature, just very inconvenient and sometimes unfair to my little sister and I.  My Mother tended to get wrapped up doing things for other people, and letting some stuff fall by the wayside.  I can laugh about it now but, back when we were children, it wasn't so funny.  For these issues, I learned the element of forgiveness.  This was not something that came natural to me.  In fact, I still wrestle with it.  I had to make myself realize that parents don't have a guidebook for when their children come along.  I had to realize that everyone makes mistakes that maybe they can't fix, but they can take that experience, learn from it, and turn it into something positive.  I know that when I'm going through stages like this, I feel such anger that I cry.  Not for anything that she did, but for the fact that I should've taken more time to understand who she was as a person.  Maybe it was because she was always trying to be more of a friend than a parent at times.  Maybe it was because I'm just a difficult person.  Truthfully both factors probably came into play.  Hopefully, as time moves forward, I will be able to find peace with everything or at least try with the best of my ability.  Time never really lets us know what's in store for all of us and I know that I'm no fortune teller.  I will say this though, at least I'm still the master of my own destiny and hopefully my emotions and my rationale can meet halfway.

Cowardly Tweeting

Did you ever get someone who says something nasty on a public forum, but feels the need to use an alias to get their point across? Well that happened with a person on Twitter today! This person felt the need to create an account solely to say something nasty to me. I had something to mention, publicly, about Mel Gibson. This little something was expletive in nature, but captured the person and quotes he made quite accurately. Click here to read the article with the offending, racist quotes that Mr. Gibson so easily conveyed toward a woman that he was seeing. Now this isn't just a tabloid reference, but the honest truth. I would say that Mr. Gibson has been dropped from William Morris for a very good reason, and my expletive pretty much captures his character aptly. Now let's take it a bit further. There was a person, a real coward, who took the time and energy to create a Twitter account in order to insult me with one tweet. Now I've never done this myself, because if I say something off-color or out of line, I'm the one who has to take credit for the mistake.  The comment I made was not hidden from anyone.  Here are the tweets that I am speaking of:

candy156sweet: Mel Gibson is an (expletive)! http://bit.ly/9DBKnt

voiceofreason15: @candy156sweet I guess that means I can call you an (expletive) too! I don't know you, you don't know Mel. Seems fair. Dumb Voyeuristic douche.

I've even provided a reference article to prove the reason for my comment toward Mr. Gibson. Now this tweeter, who doesn't know me in any fashion, called me a voyeur among other terms. Now it would be one thing if I was a stalker or something of that nature, but I simply read one or two articles which had to do with this topic. I read them merely because they were on the homepage of Yahoo.com. Nothing more, nothing less. Now I would direct this toward the person who took the time to write me such a callous tweet on Twitter:

"For a person who is indeed voyeuristic in more of a confrontational and verbally combative way, you don't have your argument well thought out. You have absolutely no concept or are ignorant of what a sexist, racist, bigot means."

I don't need to hide my identity from anyone, because I'm not a cowardly person who hides behind the cloud of the internet. Now Mel Gibson made some wonderful films before people found out what kind of person he really was, but being a good actor is really irrelevant in this issue. Whether his career was good or bad, he still used the bad example of racism and bigotry for the public to read and hear. That's really the bottom line of this issue in it's entirety.  I refuse to apologize for my statement, because it was justified and one-hundred percent true!  If anything, I would rather reinforce how I feel about tweeters like this and public figures like Mr. Gibson!

Fun in October! (A Mobile Blog)

I'm so happy, because my Duo tickets arrived this afternoon! What is Duo? Duo is a concert done by Matt Scannell of Vertical Horizon and Richard Marx, the pop/rock singer and songwriter. This time I was able to get fantastic front-row seating. This really gives me something to look forward to this October. I'm going to try and take pictures. I can't believe how lucky I am to see this show twice in one year. I know that sounds dorky and many people tease about this kind of thing, but I don't care. It makes me happy and that's what counts.  Plus I get the chance to meet up with my friends and some friends that I have never met with face to face before.  It's really fun and I'm so happy that it falls on a day when don't have classes.

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Posted via email from Summer Writing

Debt After Education

Lately I have been thinking about my future when it comes to my schooling.  I have been working my ass off for a long time, and I still have yet to feel secure about what I would like to do after college.  So far I have the makings of an English Degree, which is something that I am good at.  The unfortunate thing that is the cut in teachers' salaries and sometimes the downgrading of teaching staff itself makes for an uncertain future.  I could go into being a ESL teacher, but I will have to work with getting extra language degrees to make up for the other half of the description.  I could make that up during my time at Kean University.  I'm still going to pursue that path, but I'm to try and find another program where I am assured a position when I end my classes.  Schooling is so important for the average person because, according to Forbes Magazine, it assures them an income of $57,000.  The problem with that figure is that with school loans, some at a 12% interest rate, can take your income down substantially.  This can reduce your chances to stay afloat, especially when you are dealing with the cost of getting an ivy league education.

The average student, that seeks a college education, does not have the money to pay the full tuition.  These persons take out school loans to compensate for that deficit, and continue on with learning.  If you think about it, you are paying for your education, your room and board, your books and other miscellaneous charges.  Nobody realizes that might end you spending a six figure tuition bill, which includes interest and for some penalties.  According to Federal Census results, finishing your college degree gives you the chance to make 82% more than high school alumni.  This figure makes college even more appealing to the average high school student intending on higher education.  The average law graduate doesn't walk after finishing without accruing $100,000 according to Richard Sander, a law professor at UCLA.  If you figure that with interest, the amount you have to repay becomes astronomical.  You need to have your employment lined up, as a buffer, even before your intended graduation date.  You would basically have to hit the ground running so to speak.  With only 50% of the students attending follow through to graduation, and it's even more rare for those who are going through graduate education.

With all of the financial burden, that you accrue as a student, you definitely have to keep your hopes up for a stable future after completing your education.  Many students have to work for their graduate degrees while they work in a field where they have to make money.  The crunch to have stable finances is so very important.  The stress coupled with it can actually take a toll on your relationships and yourself mentally.  Now that the government has taken over the loan process, it makes me nervous to see how they work the system.  The interest is the one part of taking out a Stafford or Non-Stafford loan that clinches you.  Some of the loans range in the realm of buying a small house.  Many people are looking at state colleges or county colleges to furnish a lower rate of debt.  Making sure if you can get the desired degree program really makes things difficult, but it substantially reduces the financial blow.  I am attending a state funded college, and I'm really thriving.  I'm hoping that employment will follow all of this work, because it is really frightening to think if that didn't work out.  Hopefully the economic market will improve enough to remove that obstacle.

One Step Back (A Mobile Blog)

I had a really unexpected incident happen to me, but these incidents always are. I was in the back room of my house, waiting to say goodbye to Don as he left for work, and I had a grand mal seizure. It took me a couple hours to be able to stand or even talk. Usually I get very emotional afterward, but I'm kind of numb to it today. I guess the last couple weeks makes me think that it could be way worse. I just wish that I could get rid of the headache. I usually get a really bad one after a seizure. It subsides after a while, but it's very irritating. Because I can't be alone during the few hours after a grand mal, I'm hanging out with Donald at his job. I'm going to tell my doctor about this episode. I hope this new doc can find a treatment plan for me. Ah well LOL!
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Posted via email from Summer Writing

Birthday

I'm one year older.  I was wondering how to deal with this day, and I figured it out.  I would just enjoy the day for what it is.  I don't need to go anywhere or be that elaborate with my plans.  I'm very happy being low key.  Things have been too hectic to be anything more.  I'm loving the quiet.  My hubby is working today, but we'll have dinner later on.  He bought me tickets to see Richard Marx and Matt Scannell in October, so I am really excited about that.  Today I finished getting everything together for school, which was a gift to myself.  I firmly believe that when you get to a point, the milestone birthdays are the ones to make a big deal over.  I'm only 38, so when 40 comes, that's when it's time to have an elaborate celebration.  I'm celebrating today by just enjoying the serenity.

Can You Sleep?

I'm a night owl or an insomniac, which ever you would like to classify me.  I don't really know how it started or when I got to this point, but it's a problem that happens more often than not.  You can chalk it up to many reasons.  Some people say that sleeplessness is caused by depression or anxiety, caffeine, bad food choices, or even just being overstimulated.  This problem definitely hampers your day and takes a toll on your health.  Now it's not that I didn't have an intended bed time.  It seems that whether I have a set bed time or not, I still have trouble getting an adequate amount of sleep at night.  I don't really drive, luckily, but there are many who experience this problem and operate vehicles or heavy machinery.  There are historical incidents where sleep deprivation has occurred with drastic consequences.  The most famous being the Exxon Valdez Spill and even the Space Shuttle Challenger disaster .  Sleep can actually affect cognitive reasoning and can affect your mood during the day.  According to the National Sleep Foundation, sleep deprived drivers cause 100,000 crashes, 71,000 injuries and more than 1,500 deaths each year.  The NSF also states that sleep deprivation cost the average American $100 billion annually in lost productivity, medical expenses, sick leave, and property and environmental damage.  It's frightening how much losing sleep costs us.  Factors such as mental illness and socioeconomic class can lead to oversleeping or getting too much sleep.  Lack of sleep can even affect your body mass index and increase the likelihood of heart disease or even diabetes.

It's funny, but not many doctors really ask about how many hours of sleep you are getting.  Some physicians ask if you are sleeping, but that is usually the extent of that inquiry.  How many hours of sleep do you think we really need?  Some people think that we need eight hours, but really there is no set number.  The amount of sleep actually depends on how your body reacts.  The amount you sleep may depend on the amount of stress you are experiencing, the amount of physical exertion that you have during the day, or if you are going through an illness.  For me, because of the medicines, I have to sleep at nine hours.  I know that sounds like a lot, but I really do need that.  I'm trying to push myself with less sleep, but I don't know if conditioning could change that number.  Lately, with the way my life has been going, I've pretty much been exhausted.  On the other hand, a study done by the NSF actually shows that oversleeping can have similar effects.  Getting more than nine hours is considered to be oversleeping.  So finding that happy medium is extremely important.  I usually get thrown off if I have a nap during the day, so I try to prevent myself from doing that.  The National Sleep Foundation actually has a chart which shows the different amounts of sleep you need from your newborn age to your adulthood.  It's amazing how shutting down for a bit really gives us a clean reboot.  Not to use computer language, but it really represents what we go through as human beings. 
 










Moving toward a healthier night's sleep is very important.  It helps to have a nighttime ritual that helps you ease into bed.  Whether it's taking a bubble bath or listening to relaxing music, you have to find a groove that works for you.  Reading a book, watching your television, or using your laptop can actually keep your head from hitting the pillow.  It's also very important that your bedroom be quiet, cool, and comfortable.  This will aid in easing yourself to sleep.  I usually put on my white noise machine or listen to soothing music, because it clears my mind.  I keep the room relatively cool at night, because that really does wake me in the middle of the night.  I used to have a great deal of problems, because my husband snores, but earplugs and the white noise machine gave me my sleep back.  That factor was really the hardest hurdle I had to get over.  When I was fighting depression, I also had problems with sleep.  Allergies can also give you a problem with sleep, especially during the Spring and Summer months.  I have a deviated septum, which I recently acquired after breaking my nose during a seizure.  This problem actually caused sinus headaches for me, and that kills sleep for me during the warmer months.  Sometimes it's medical problems that cause insomnia, or just throwing off your sleep patterns.  So many people are looking for the perfect cure for insomnia, and there is no easy answer.  I'm still on the great search for a perfect night's sleep.  Hopefully that hunt will end sometime soon.

Cooking (A Mobile Blog)

Tonight I decided to make a lovely italian meal. I made some sausage meat sauce, hot and spicy, and whole wheat pasta. We had ciabatta garlic bread with fresh mozzarella. I love to cook, especially with my husband, because it's the time that we talk and catch up. It's really great to use our creativity to make something so filled with love. It's a nice way to spend an evening together. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Posted via email from Summer Writing

Water Safety

My Dad lives in a very small riverfront community called Eagle Point.  This neighborhood faces the Metedeconk River in New Jersey.  Every community down the riverside has a private beach that people, in the community, can choose to be a member of.  Members pay annual dues to maintain their membership to the beach.  Most of the communities have a relatively nice size beach along with a playground on the premises.  In my parents neighborhood, the beach is smaller than the parking lot.  It basically has enough room for a few people to sit or lounge, and a large pavillion which is larger than sand along the shoreline.  You would think, because of the modest size of the beach, you wouldn't have to pay that much unless you were docking your boat off the beach's docks and slips.  Well, that is absolutely untrue.  My family barely uses the beach badges, and my Dad pays $125 annually.  He doesn't have a boat and he doesn't jet-ski.  When my Mom was alive, they only went down there for their beach parties maybe once or twice a year.  I think it's a damn rip-off!  I wouldn't ever swim in that water, so I can't see why someone would pay for that.  The scary issue, when it comes to the river, is the unclean water.  My family is paying to swim, fish, dock boats, or dock jet-skis in unsafe water.

Now there are other reasons why I don't go down to the beach myself.  This river, which is also filtered for drinking water for our area, has runoff pollution.  There are many reasons behind all of that pollution.  Some of this is from storm water runoff, and some of this is also a result of boats that let go their waste in the water.  I can remember being a teenager and swimming at Windward Beach, a public beach on the other side of the river, and seeing fecal matter in the water.  I had immediately exited on to the sand, and went home to shower off as quickly as humanly possible.  After that incident, I found it very difficult to swim in that water.  I used to love playing in that water, but finding waste was the last straw.  My husband and I went to Windward just to sit on the shore and enjoy the view, but we would never swim there.  I've seen signs up that tell swimmers the water is contaminated.  Does anyone pay attention when they see signs that distinctly explain that the water is polluted?  That should raise some red flags.  Don't you think?  I can't even fathom how people actually eat the seafood that is caught from the river.  I can't help but to think that causes so many different health problems.

The Metedeconk River is an estuary into the Barnegat Bay, which eventually drains into the Atlantic Ocean.  The Brick Municipality's water supply is actually taken from surface water off of the river.  According to the Trust for Public Land, seventy-five percent of this water is filtered for drinking water and other uses.  Ground water, which filters into the Metedeconk River, receives polluted water from short flow paths.  The increase of development causes even more hazards to the water supply.  It makes me really glad that I drink bottled water rather than the water from BTMUA.  That groundwater is the same crap that people swim in, bathe in, wash their clothes with, sometimes eat from, and in many cases cooking with.  I firmly believe in having a water filtration system in your home.  Luckily my parents have that on their kitchen faucet.  I can't see how that can make anyone feel safe.  Many towns within Ocean County do not have any storm water management plans.  This includes towns such Jackson, Howell, and even Lakewood.  Contaminated runoff, even with a plan in place, still threatens the cleanliness of the river water in Brick.  To minimize the damage from water runoff, many people need to mind what chemicals or liquids they spill onto the ground.  Many people in these developments, who have runoff plans within their town, still continue to break the laws that coincide with the plan.  I can't even imagine what our waterways will look like if the BP/Halliburton oil spill reaches them.  Wouldn't people want to keep the waterways as clean as we can right now?  Hopefully people will stop being careless.

A Little Rant

I'm learning to take a deep breath these days.  Not because I'm doing yoga or some kind of meditation, but to realize the ball of stress that I'm dealing with.  My patience seems to be wearing very thin lately.  Maybe it's part of the grief, or maybe it's just the imbeciles around me.  It can go either way really.  I'm not a person who can thrive in chaos, even though I have tried more than once.  I'm trying to take a step back and count to five, then deal with my life head on.  I'm thinking that stress management isn't a bad idea.  With everything on my plate right now, I don't really know whether I will even have the time.  Am I being a tad rough on those who are part of my life, maybe, but then they are rough on me with their incompetant lifestyles.  It can drive you to drink honestly!  My husband is really the only one who can get it together lately, aside from my two sisters. 

I'm not saying that I am perfect myself.  No one is perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I can at least make an effort to do things to the best of ability.  I like to have well thought out plans for the most part.  Really that is the one thing that is expected in my book.  When one thing goes wrong, it seems like people or things have to cause obstacles to kick me while I'm down.  This always seems to happen in this fashion whether I try to prevent it or not.  This kind of crap keeps me from feeling like I have a fighting chance, and it just depresses me.  They say when one door closes, another one opens up for you.  I can't say whether I believe that or not.  I've been looking for that opportunity throughout my thirty-eight years without any success.  This doesn't mean that I am going to stop trying or give up, because that isn't really part of my makeup.  It's kind of like trying for the point of nirvana; it's an endless search that may lead to absolutely nothing. 

My 4th of July

When I was a little girl, I remember that I couldn't wait for the Fourth of July.  I can remember the anticipation of going to the Wall Township Fair near Wall High School.  I was ready for the fireworks, even though I was scared of the loud sounds they made.  It was just the family ritual every year and it was something that I looked forward to before my birthday.  When I moved to Brick Township, we began seeing the fireworks at Six Flags Great Adventure.  It wasn't really the same, but it was just as fun.  It was the novelty of being able to ride the rollercoasters and other amusement park rides, and enjoy being a child during that point.  I never really grasped the real meaning of the holiday during that time other than the enjoyment of those accouterments. That was a time of innocence and joy.  It was the one thing about Summer that I have always cherished.  We never had a huge picnic or barbecue, but we definitely had that tradition.  When I learned about the holiday during my history classes in elementary school, I realized that there was a whole meaning behind the fireworks.  This holiday celebrated our freedom and emancipation of the thirteen colonies from English monarchy.  This day seems to have taken on many meanings, such as the supporting of the troops during wartime, but mostly people do something fun such as picnics, family reunions, watching a fireworks display, or even just going to a baseball game.  For some, the meaning of the holiday still holds political water.  Many people still go to political rallies and speeches on this date.  I think the most interesting celebration is the Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney Island, New York.  These are the events that we naturally celebrate and some without even the foggiest recognition of the reason behind it.  Our country is celebrating freedom from relying on a monarchy to support them.  Although, we seem to need to be supported.

For me, the Fourth of July is a quiet one this year.  I'm spending the time at home, doing some cleaning, writing, laundry, and just enjoying some time on my back deck.  This isn't really because of what happened last week.  I just really felt the need to be reserved and quiet.  I'm actually doing something by myself.  My husband is working rather late on a Sunday, and I'm not really in the mood to fight crowds in order to enjoy fireworks.  Having a pear nectar and a quiet early evening is worth it for me.  Maybe I am embodying the true meaning of independence.  For reason, there was no reason for me to celebrate outwardly.  Some of this comes from my distaste for what is going on in our country today.  There is a laundry list of things that are predominantly wrong right now.  This isn't because of a lack of patriotism.  In fact, the reason that I am concerned about celebrating a holiday like this, comes from the fact that our troops are stuck in the Middle East for what seems like an eternity for a war over oil and territory.  I support the troops and want them to make a safe return home, rather than risking their lives for a cause we shouldn't champion.  We shouldn't be the ones to make a democracy in Iraq or even Afghanistan.  There are things on our soil that are in grievous trouble.  Look at the large scale unemployment rates in the midwest.  According to the Michigan Department of Economic, Labor and Growth, people were losing 32,000 jobs per month statewide.  That rate is astronomical and absolutely absurd.  Even in New Jersey we still have 3.91 million people who remain unemployed according to the United States Bureau of Labor Statistics.  It's facts like these, the ever growing oil spill, and our lack of competency when it comes to socialized medical insurance, that really takes away the fun of celebrating independence.  It seems that our government doesn't mind sending people into the wartime effort, but we can't take care of fiscal responsibilities, environmental issues, and medical difficulties right here in our own country.  Because we have so much of these obstacles, people become reliant on federal welfare, medicaid, and other government monetary programs.  How can I celebrate independence, when our citizens are dependent on the federal government.

Healthy Food

I went to the grocery store today to accomplish two weeks worth of shopping.  When I was walking through the aisles, I was looking for healthy choices for meals and snacks.  I noticed right away that most of these products had immense amounts of sodium within them.  Aside from the produce, it was hard to find items that I could use.  You end up scouring the shelves to meal plan for the week.  You look for lowfat and low carbohydrate lunches, and you can't even turn to items like Lean Cuisine.  Do we consider most of the foods on your grocer's shelves real food?  I was on my way down the dairy aisle and I went to buy some nonfat yogurt.  Just as I went to put my containers in the cart, a little boy scurried around me to grab the Go-Gurt.  I was reading in an article on Hub-Pages stating that this product has more sugar than the soft drink, Coca Cola.  That fact sickens and startles me all at the same time.  I couldn't believe that Yoplait would deceitfully trick the consumer into thinking that is healthy.  Coca Cola has 3.25 grams of sugar within the soft drink.  In one serving of Go-Gurt, you have 4.89.  This product uses mostly high fructose corn syrup to sweeten.  Is that really food aside from the cultured milk?  I find that to be something that every parent or person alone to avoid.

There seem to be many food products that are considered to be healthy and are distinctly unhealthy.  Anyone can realize that candy isn't good for you, and french fries are not the best thing to eat, but some of these labels are deceptive.  Even something as simple whole grain muffin could be loaded with unhealthy fats disguised as naturally good for you.  Fat-free muffins may not be healthy either, because they are using sugars to make up for flavor.  Many people buy these breakfast items with the intent of putting more fiber into their diets, but they are unaware of the cholesterol that they are ingesting.  Rather than choosing that product, you can choose to eat something like Kashi Go-Lean or Cinnamon Harvest which contain important proteins and two grams of fiber per serving, plus it is beneficially low in calories.  This, of course, depends on your usage of lowfat or nonfat milk.  I never use whole milk and always stick to skim or nonfat milk, so I don't feel that I am missing out in any way.  All-Bran, which can be bland for most, carries a high amount of fiber within their product.  I can't eat that cereal because it tastes like wood shavings.  I guess I'm not a good advocate for Kellogg's.  

When it comes to lunch food, I always feel like I'm on the great search for something tasty and quick.  I always seem to go to a frozen meal, because it's something that is quick and ready in less than six minutes.  Today I looked at the package of Lean Cuisine, while I was at the grocery store, and I was blown away.  They had great elements for portion control and were quick to prepare, but they were extremely high in sodium.  Unfortunately, I bought a couple anyway.  I tried to find the packages with the least amount of sodium, which have a level of 480 milligrams or less per serving.  There are healthy alternatives.  I did find low calorie, whole grain bread and I found cold cuts that were low in sodium.  Brands like Russer and Butterball put out low sodium versions of Virginia Ham and Sliced Turkey that are available at the deli counter in your grocery store.  I also found that you can make a great tuna sandwich with low calorie mayonnaise and albacore tuna when you add red onions and celery to the mix.   Beware of tuna salad from your favorite deli, because most of it is made with high calorie mayonnaise and may contain more fat and cholesterol than a fast-food hamburger.  Sometimes I think that going to the store and buying fresh produce for a salad is safer than risking the other alternatives.  You can always add the tuna plain, cooked lump crabmeat, or cooked shrimp for added protein.  Grilled chicken pieces are also great for added protein.  Of course, you have to use moderation when making those choices. 

I really love the momentum of the whole food movement.  I think that eating fresh organic vegetables from a local grower is absolutely fantastic.  I wish that we were able to have that opportunity year round, but unfortunately that isn't the case.  I have noticed that in the winter months, the organic produce in our supermarket has to be shipped so far that it isn't in great shape by the time it hits the produce shelves.  The push for finding organic red meat or produce can be difficult.  Being that I can't leave meat behind and go toward the vegan or vegetarian lifestyle, I still suffer from getting supermarket quality beef to use for dinners or lunches.  Noticeably we haven't really brought Whole Food Supermarkets in our area, and I wish we were able to buy meat originating from grass fed cows.  Instead we have to rely on what the USDA claims to be a quality product.  Many of these animals are fed hormones or antibiotics for growth.  It really scares me to think of it.  It makes you worry about what meat they are using when you order a hamburger at a restaurant.  With the high mercury content within seafood products, it also makes you nervous to eat that on a regular basis.  Methylmercury, an organic compound found in most seafood products, can cause symptoms such as paresthesia (pins and needles), lack of coordination, impairment of speech, hearing and movement, and can cause muscle weakness.  It makes you nervous about eating a fish fillet sandwich, even if it is on a whole grain roll with low calorie mayo.  I try to only eat seafood once a week to reduce the chance for mercury absorption but if your pregnant or you are a child, the National Resources Defense Council says that you are more vulnerable to absorption in your tissues.

Even though we have so many different dangers within the food market here in the United States, I still have fun trying new recipes.  I find that the joy of sharing time in the kitchen with my husband to be very endearing.  I love tasting that first bite and sharing it with him.  Right now, we are trying to have that same result, but with healthy twists.  Sometimes I fall off the wagon and have a slice of pizza, but I try to find new foods to cheat with.  My biggest addiction right now are fresh pears, especially during this time of year.  Making tacos with lean Angus beef, whole grain tortillas, low fat cheese, and organic fresh vegetables is another addiction.  This, of course, is eaten in moderation.  I really love grilled salmon and fresh whole green beans as well.  I'm not the type for sweets for the most part, but lately flavored rice cakes have sneaked in as a replacement for cookies and chips.  I struggle with weight difficulties, and have crash dieted many times, but it seems that I am able to keep the calories down just by living a lifestyle.  Being that diets are so regimented, I have been trying to find something that fits my everyday plan.  This way I don't feel as if I am being deprived, but I am eating correctly.  I try not to rationalize my needs for certain foods, because if they are unhealthy, they just are.  Choosing safe foods seems to be more of a necessity than just a choice.