Harvesting Thanks

Even if we aren't always sure of the true historical accuracy or roots of the holiday, as Americans, we take the time every year to celebrate the holiday commonly known as Thanksgiving.  We coin it as a time where family and friends gather together to eat copious amounts of foodstuffs as part of a gratitude for everything good in our lives.  Usually this tradition includes roasting a large turkey with it's many trimmings, such as stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and so on.  I've always found it amazing that it seemed to be the one holiday that removed the issue of gifts and almost seemed completely untainted, aside from the blurring of the historical inaccuracies.  Although today, many people cook different items other than turkey as their main course.  For me and my husband, Thanksgiving isn't about pilgrims or anything remotely of that vain.  It's about the harvest and the celebration of Autumn's bounty.  The occasion to celebrate the last warm days of the year with a feast and know that better things are to come. 

Whether we hear the calls of the geese as they fly south toward their destinations for the Winter or we smell the crisp Autumn air, this is the earth's cycle in action and it has a profound effect on each of our lives.  The harvest season is a time of reflection of the beauty we've enjoyed during the Summer months, and prepares us for the cooler months that are approaching.  We incorporate rituals, celebrations, and traditions, like Thanksgiving, to keep the spirit of the harvest alive long into the dead of the Winter months.  Take some time to contemplate and reflect on the events of the year during the holiday.  Autumn is about abundance and gratitude for all of our accomplishments, but it's also about the colors and wonder we experience as the season progresses.  We find gratitude in the festive and beautiful nature of change, whether it's consuming a slice of apple pie with family, taking a ride in the country to look the trees in their Autumnal colors, watching the Macy*s Thanksgiving Day parade or even channelling your youth by jumping in a pile of raked leaves. We can find beauty in the transitory because, in this Autumnal season, it's all around us.

Taking a Break (A Mobile Blog)

"Sometimes you need a little time away, just for a day..." as Chicago so eloquently put. It's absolutely true! Taking a break from stressful conditions is the best thing you can do for yourself. It could be from your work, your friends, your family, or just from the every day surroundings of home. This break could come in the form of a vacation, day trip, or even just a movie alone. The escape from the stressor can make all of the difference. Changing holiday plans is another way to relieve stress. Maybe spending time alone, with your friend(s), or with your mate is a great alternative to spending the holiday in a crowded family household. Learning to single out your triggers and dealing with them is important. If you suffer from anxiety, that is of particular importance. My husband and I have decided to take a different approach to the holiday and spend it alone. I've also taken the time to pamper myself by going to a movie or dinner alone. Both of these options felt so refreshing. When you deal with the holidays, you have to make sure that your family understands that sometimes you need to make your life your own. This has to be that way with everything you do. The same goes with friends and even your significant other. You have to make yourself happy. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Posted via email from Summer Writing

Sisterly Compassion? No F@*king Way!

Now that I have blocked certain content from being viewed by certain parties, I can explain some things.  In my life I have always thought to treat both of my sisters and their mates as equals.  I've never thought less of either of them, whether something went wrong or we disagreed for some reason or another.  I've never harped on their shortcomings or their mistakes, but I've hit my limit with the mistake of being treated like dogshit.  When give proper respect, I would think that amount of respect and decorum would be reciprocated.  For my younger sister, this was never the case.  She has never treated me as an equal.  She has a scorching sense of entitlement and carries what I call the "Queen Bee Syndrome," whereas everyone has move according to her plans.  For some odd reason, she has this matriarchal way about her and treats me like I'm an imbecilic eight year old child by continually insulting me and demanding me to stop the productive things in my life to move according to her whims.  She then expects me to spend time with her and enjoy her company during the holiday.  When my mother passed away, even though she didn't see it first hand as I did, she seemed to take it as if she felt most of the blow.  What she doesn't realize, and maybe this was from a lack of experience, is that she hasn't a clue how I feel about it and maybe doesn't even realize how Dad or Don feels about it.  All three of us saw it, and she never did.  I watched my mother kill herself slowly, and I tried to stop her.  Did she try?  No!  Did she have to watch that?  No!  My father never tried to stop it!  He was her enabler.  Everyone, including my baby sister and except my husband, forget that fact.  I never had time to grieve, because I was busy comforting her or comforting Dad or comforting my older sister for most of it.  I had to go to school and I had to move on with my life, so I didn't have time for that.  My body did that for me, and it still is.  I have no sense of entitlement, unless you count respect and dignity.  I believe that I have a right to be treated as an adult, who has lost her mother too, and deserves the same dignity and respect that I've given her.  Instead, I get a verbal slap in the face by an ungrateful bitch who cries, but assumes that I don't deserve to.  Oh, lest we forget that she fucked my Mother's obituary royally with her crappy grammar mistakes and poor sentence structure.  It looks it was written by a first grader after they drank a whole bottle of Jim Beam.  Wait, saying that it was written by a first grader is an insult to first graders everywhere!  I was so mad that I had to write my own version of the obituary so that I never had to look at the one in the paper.  I was embarrassed for my father and for the rest of my family!

Here is another example of my sister's ridiculousness: When my older sister found out she had a lump in her breast, I talked to her on the phone and I offered to be with her on the day of the tests.  My little sister made a snide remark, saying that I should "call her" as if I never spoke to her at all.  How would I ever throw something like that aside?  I could never do that!  I'm sure she put some kind of spin on what I told her about the behavior she displays toward me, but whatever.  She obviously flip-flops.  I have to say this, because it is really true.  My older sister and I never had the "call every day" kind of relationship.  I wasn't the only one who made it that way.  My older sister had her own thing going and I never really pushed or pulled at all.  As far as my younger sister is concerned, she just never calls me unless there is a family function or something of that magnitude.  We don't talk every day either and it's another case where I wasn't the only one who made it that way.  Both of them explain our relationships as "close," but I find that to be hardly true at points.  I love them both dearly, but it's the truth.  This is the kind of behavior that both continually exhibit.  They both take advantage of me at times and I've played along for the most part.  I was hurt at times, but I was always stoic about it.  I just can't be stoic anymore.  Don has been the only constant in my life, because he doesn't treat me like a turn key or a used piece of garbage to be thrown aside.  I'm not going to be a masochist and put up with this, because I'm better than that.

My younger sister decided, without asking Donald and I, to plan Thanksgiving by making reservations at a restaurant with her in-laws.  I really don't want to have Thanksgiving with her in laws.  My baby sister and her husband didn't have Thanksgiving with us last year, so we're not doing it this year.  I went through the whole ordeal of cooking a beautiful dinner last year.  I invited them almost two months in advance.  My parents came, my mother-in-law, my husband's sister and her husband came.  My baby sister came for an hour and left, and her husband never even came with her.  She only had a bit of dessert.  She wouldn't even come to dinner.  Does this mean that my husband and I should accept her invitation to dinner?  My older sister didn't come to dinner either, but she had reasons that were absolutely beyond her control.  The real kicker is that I live two blocks away from my little sister and I barely speak to her and I don't call her, because I really don't feel comfortable chatting with her.  She's kind of ruined that for me.  That happened long before my mother passed, and it's only been incensed since then.  That kind of makes me feel that dinner is not a viable option.  I'm actually starting to cry, because I never thought that I would ever have to write anything like this in my lifetime.  It hurts me so much and I hate myself for having to say this, but it's absolutely true.  I have many shortcomings, and I have made poor decisions in life.  I'm trying to make up for those in the best ways that I know how.  I guess I wasn't enough of an opportunist like my sisters.  One day I will be happy, I'm sure.  Right now I'm kind of in limbo.  All I know is that I want to achieve some placidity and, sadly enough, seperating yourself is the only way to achieve that.  Sorry for the extended rant.  I know that it was probably overly toxic in nature and probably will leave you aghast. 

It's Your Season

The oncoming of the holidays can herald the blues.  The correlation of the music, the festoons, and the overfilling food, that are so present during this point in the year, can make you wish you could avoid them entirely.  These seasonal events may have been associated with happier memories during your childhood years, but the feelings today aren't the same.  We don't always have to feel the same way about certain traditions, but we need to find joy in the way we feel about the season.  We can make our lives our own, no matter what we might think.  To revitalize the way you think about the season is not feeling as if you have to engage in certain holiday traditions or situations that make you feel uneasy and cause you to feel sadness.  It can be very simple for you to get caught up in the web of ritual and lose sight of what you really want or what works for you as a person.  You have to work in the now and realize that there is a payoff for giving to yourself.  If you take care of yourself then your ability to give, if that is part of your holiday or seasonal ritual, will be healthier.  Celebrating for yourself expands your joy and gives you a new reason to love the Autumn and Winter months.

The association of depression and the Autumnal and Winter seasonal holidays are very prevalent.  It can be very difficult to address these emotional difficulties.  If you face these problems and sort of them out, you can give yourself the chance to process what you are going through.  This can liberate you from that weight on your shoulders.  Journaling about your issues can be very therapeutic.  Don't be afraid to be honest about your feelings.  Being honest with your family is another part of the therapeutic process.  Maybe you would rather go on a vacation, rather than dealing with the pressures of your family during the holiday season.  Maybe you would prefer not to give gifts during the holiday season.  Maybe you would like to eat out or make a healthy meal during the holiday season.  Maybe you would like to just take time to watch a movie and spend time just pampering yourself.  Don't be afraid of what everyone else thinks, because you have to make the season your own.  This season prepares you for the rest of the Winter and you need to nurture your inner joy.  It doesn't mean that you have to decorate your home like the Griswold's in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, but you can decorate your self-esteem with happiness and pleasure.  

I'm Not Your Doormat (A Mobile Blog)

For many, many years, I have taken the opportunistic, opinionated bullshit that a certain member of my family consistently dealt me. Now, I'm fucking tired of it. I have hit my limit with her chiding remarks and her belittling garbage. In fact, I'm sick of her crap in general. She has this queen bee syndrome where she feels the need to tell everyone what to do. It's like when she says jump, people say, "How high?". Well that crap is more than over with. I refuse to speak with her, have her in my presence, or deal with her in any fashion until she learns to treat me like an adult. I'm relevant with feelings and can make my own decisions. I accept my imperfections, but she refuses to admit that she falls short in any sense of the word. She is offensive, condescending and lacks the means to function with any shred of intelligence, kindness, or compassion. I may have made poor decisions, but at least I didn't rub her nose in hers. In fact, I was there to help her through the tougher times. The only thing she does is look down her nose at you.  She couldn't even write my mother's obituary correctly!  It was atrocious!  I can't begin to tell you how mortified and angry I still am over that.  The worst part is that other people had to read that garbage.  If I had written it, it would have been perfect. 

The way things have turned out in the last couple months makes me want to run with Don as far from here as I possibly can. Family isn't as good as people paint it to be in some situations. Maybe, after my schooling is finished, we'll be leaving for somewhere else. I'm thinking it's time for a brand new start away from certain ungrateful people. The only thing is that there are certain situations that need to be tied up before I go, but that will happen in time. I never thought that I would want to leave where I'm from, but it's come to the point where it needs to occur. I refuse to have my husband and I be doormats for my family and most especially the person that I was discussing earlier in this post. Life is going to change and this time for the better.  I think we deserve that much after the shitstorm we've put up with over the last year.  All my husband and I want is just to be able to take a deep breath and smile.  We just want to feel comfortable about our lives for once, rather than worrying about everything.  I think that's reasonable enough.  That would be better suited away from the craziness of some very toxic individuals. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Posted via email from Summer Writing

Catching Up

It's been a while since there was a journal article on here, but here is the latest in my life experiences.  I'm learning my triggers or at least some of them.  My limbic system is still kicking my ass these days, but I'm realizing why some of it manifests.  Panic hits me when I can't get everything done in one day.  This can include errands, pleasing other people, and other items.  Another part of the panic is when I absorb rather than express.  Everything else is boggling me.  The other day, I finished my Algebra class and headed up to the library to do some studying for a test that day.  I wasn't feeling that great, but chalked it up to being tired.  After standing up, dizziness washed over me and I felt as if I was going to faint.  My husband ushered me to the medics office and my blood pressure was very low.  Apparently, that is a side effect of anxiety as well.  Now this part of the anxiety or panic attack never hit me like that before.  It frightened me so much that I headed to the physician's office for a visit, because I wasn't sure if it was something else.  Of course, it was the anxiety and I felt completely stupid.  The doctor asked me what was going on in my life and I told him.  Then it began to make sense to him.  He explained that losing one part of my life is a rite of passage, even though it is unwanted.  Luckily I am strong enough to push myself through.  I get a silver lining though, because I get to see the school analyst for free.  Ahhh... The joys of being a college student! 

So now I'm finally going to tell my therapist that I need to go on benzodiazapines as needed.  I've tried to go it alone, but I can't.  I feel defeated in a sense, but there is no way that I can be in this kind of pain and make it through school.  The pain comes in the form of headaches, pain in my limbs and chest, pins and needles, dizziness, blurred vision, nausea, and fatigue.  I've been checked out for every test that there is and I am in perfect health, so it's definitely this ridiculous disorder kicking my ass.  I feel like I'm in desperate need of a vacation, but I have absolutely no time at all for one.  There are people in my life who do not make it easier for me.  In fact, those people make it even rougher for me to deal with the issues in my life.  The worst part about these individuals is that they are so self-absorbed that they don't even give a flying fuck!  Sorry for my colorful language, but it's entirely true.  I've found some reprieves here and there.  These reprieves keep me seperate from the ridiculousness that I see every day and let me feel free.  It's not meditation or anything of the new age nature, but it certainly relaxes me.  I wish those reprieves were more frequent, because I think it would lessen the burnout.  Today I get a reprieve, because I'm DJ'ing.  I love doing my radio show, because it gives me a chance to be alone with my music.  I don't even care if I have listeners, because I have so much fun.  Another reprieve is reading in the library, because I can get lost here in the stacks.  My latest favorite though is karaoke!  I just love it!

The other day, my health teacher says to me, "You look great!  Things really must be going your way."  I almost started to laugh hysterically, but I was flattered at the same time.  I'm glad to know that I'm healthy and that all of this that I am feeling is all in my head.  Really getting through this is the obstacle that I have to overcome.  I know that I'm strong enough to tell myself that the pain is just me.  It just seems so real, as if my body isn't my own right now.  It's torture you know?  I'm feeling this hypervigilant alarm phase of General Adaptation Syndrome and I can't escape it sometimes.  Some of the stress comes from the revolving door issue that seems to be going on in my life.  It just seems like I'm going through this endless cycle of loss in one form or another.  You can only do so much with bereavement before it makes you feel sick inside.  I wish that all of the stress that I get to experience was eustress rather than distress, because at least I know the pressure is for all the right reasons.  Right now this is just making me feel pain and the only thing that can alleviate it is either crying or just finding some way to be alone.  Last night I went out by myself, which was really nice.  It was the first time in so long that I actually felt pampered.  I went out to a movie, for a nice dinner, and I went to Barnes and Noble to read and have coffee.  It was absolutely fantastic!  Maybe if I find the time to schedule events like that for myself, I wouldn't feel so tense all of the time.  Who knows!  I just know that something eventually has to give.

So something pivotal is going to happen on Friday.  My mother-in-law is moving to Texas.  This is very hard for me and for my husband.  It's kind of funny, because I never realized how much this would hit me until she mentioned it over dinner one night.  I was sitting there and she mentioned how she wouldn't be there for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I just cried; I couldn't help it.  It was something I couldn't grasp hold of at the time and I am still trying to come to grips with it.  Linda is my second Mom and it's so hard to see another person fall away from my life.  I'm crying right now as I write this mostly because I am so happy for her.  She found such a wonderful man to spend the rest of her life with.  Andrew is a lovely person and he makes her so happy.  Even though my husband and I will miss her so much, I know that she is going to be more than happy.  We'll definitely visit them in Texas.  The only thing that hurts so much is that someone else is leaving, but I am glad that it's for all the right reasons.  Things are falling into place the right way, it just feels tough right now.  I feel sad for my husband too, because his Mom is leaving for Texas and his Dad is gone.  That makes me emotional for him.   

So like I was saying earlier in this post, I went out for a nice night alone.  I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 and it was awesome!  It was a prequel to the original film and I have to say that I liked it more.  This one was definitely more frightening than the first one.  There were connections to the original premise of the first film, but I can't really tell you that much more.  It would definitely ruin it if I did.  All I know is that you have to see it because you will be kicking yourself if you do not!  It was nice to go the movies on a weekday.  The theatre was clear and quiet, and I didn't have to wait in lines.  Wonderful!  I had a great Japanese dinner as well.  That was a really great precursor to the movie.  Low in fat, because it was vegetables and seafood.  I'm really proud of myself.  Although I shouldn't have drank soda, because it's not good for me.  For those who do not realize, soda causes bone porosity as well as subcutaneous fat cells.  Even the diet variety isn't good for you, because of the osteoporosis side effect.  So anyway, I also bought tickets to another Duo show in New Jersey for February at the SOPAC in South Orange, New Jersey.  I can't wait to see that show.  Next month Donald and I are going to see Killing Joke in New York City.  Concerts rule!  I wish I could just go to concerts rather than celebrating any of the holidays.  It would be so much more fun and less pressure.  Well that's really all that I have going for me right now aside from DJ'ing and being a student.  Hope that everyone enjoys the rest of their week.