New Year New Blog, For a While

Since my academic pursuits are on hold for a semester, I thought that I would put my writings on Tumblr.  I have had this account for sometime, but have neglected to use it.  Finally I feel it's the right time to dust off the moth balls and use that venue for a while.  This blog is called Confessions of a Housewife and you can read it by clicking here.  I hope that everyone is a having a great start to 2012 and I hope that you will all join me in reading my essays and musings on Tumblr.

Sometimes It's Difficult

Did you ever get the feeling that no matter how far you claw yourself out of the abyss, someone is there ready and willing to push you back in?  Lately one particular person seems to make everything very difficult, even if he isn't doing it deliberately.  It just depresses me, because there is nothing I can do to make things improve.  I'm afraid to see how things will be when he'll have more responsibilities over his living situation.  All I know is that I'm tired mentally and physically.  I shouldn't be this tense and sad near the holidays.  That's all I have for today.

The Last Day

Today is the last day that I will be stepping into a classroom here on campus.  I've finally dealt with all of the obstacles that have been in my way toward graduation.  I've been able to build confidence in my study efforts for my final exam and I'm just ready to move on to greener pastures.  For a long time, I thought that I would only have the option of being a teacher, but I am realizing that I shouldn't sell myself short.  I've decided to find out about the communications program at Kean University in Union for the Autumnal Semester.  I love radio and I'm willing to learn about all the aspects dealing with the industry.  I know that it may be a fading market for some formats, but I am still eager to find my way.  Am I concerned about heading into my forties?  Of course I am!  I won't let that stop me from doing what I have always dreamed.

For a very long time, I felt as if I had nothing to offer as a person.  I felt deprived of education and I felt like I lacked the intelligence to do much of anything with my life.  There wasn't anyone to blame for that situation but me.  The feelings of inadequacy made me feel depressed and worthless.  When my husband decided to go back to school, that's when I began to summon up the courage to apply for classes myself.  Of course that was a while back.  Because of scheduling, health, and family matters, there were times when school was put on hold, but I went back to classes as soon as possible.  I am hoping against hope that I won't have any trouble attending Kean.  I have always wanted to go on to a better school, and since Kean University is a state school, I will be paying less money.  Very excited to see how things turn out!  Missing a semester will be tough, but I do my best to get through it.

My Holiday Feelings

 (If you do not agree with certain things that I mention in this essay, then I apologize)

Lately I have been thinking about the holidays.  I realize that this is supposed to be the "Season of Giving," but why do we have to succumb to all of these advertisements and spent such grandiose, obscene amounts of money?  I've always wondered if, rather than giving lavish gifts or any gifts at all, having a family meal or a potluck dinner where everyone shares their favorite dish instead.  It just seems that we tag this line drive of over-consumerism, rather than just enjoying the season of having friends and family together for one day.  If we did something like that, maybe people wouldn't look at their credit card statements with such disgust.  We could actually take the money we would have spent on presents and place it into a savings account.  It is kind of like being your own cog in the wheel of your financial future.  I mean that in a good way.  I'm paying down all of my credit card bills and I know that lavish gifts are a thing of the past.  I would rather cook or bake for my family and friends.  I would rather spend valuable, quality time with them.  To me, that is so much more important than a gift that may or may not be returned.

I have, in a more recent sense, equated this time of year in a very dim sort of light.  I have to say that I am not Christmas' biggest fan.  This is for more of the secular aspects than the religious aspects on their own.  The season always makes me feel worse about my own life.  Christmas was my Mother's holiday and she was the one that brought everyone together for the celebration.  After she died a year ago, I felt even more like the Grinch about the whole issue.  There isn't anything wrong with those who enjoy the meaning of the Christmas holiday celebration and, if you can believe it, I envy that festive nature.  I try my best to do nice things to remind myself that the Yuletide season is meant to find joy for your good deeds.  I've also tried to remind myself that this celebration helps to sustain you through the long, cold Winter.  This year, I decided to do the more traditional aspects of the holiday.  I decorated the tree, filled out the greeting cards, watched some classic holiday films, and even did some of my shopping.  With shopping, I kept everything to a minimum and I realized you can purchase great items for very reasonable prices just by comparison shopping.  I love the scan bar app on my Android phone, because it really comes in handy during this time of year.

Maybe this year will be different than past years.  Maybe I will find some sort of grace out of the whole situation.  Grace may be pushing it, being that I am a free-thinker and have no religious denomination whatsoever.  I guess I should call it a secular epiphany.  We'll see how that goes.  I've been looking at my holiday tree and smiling lately.  It reminds me of all the holiday celebrations that I have hosted over the years and all of the memories that my husband and I accrued during our sixteen year marriage.  It also reminds me of some of the losses that we have had over the years, but the holidays are always bittersweet that way.  My favorite part of the holiday and probably the only thing I really love is egg nog.  I love making my egg nog with a little Southern Comfort and a grate of nutmeg.  Yum!  Right now, as part of my holiday season, I am reminding myself about how lucky I am for the blessings in my life.  I have a wonderful husband, a roof over my head, two wonderful sisters, my Dad, my sweet furry babies (a.k.a my pets), and my friends.  I'm lucky enough to be graduating from school this December and getting into Kean University in Union if all goes well.  My graduation was put off for family reasons.

The holidays are a time where you find tolerance for one another, compassion for those around you, exercise selflessness, and find gratitude.  I'm learning that to relieve stress, during one of the most stressful times of the year, is to enjoy the company of your loved ones.  They say that clinging on to the spirit of the holidays helps to sustain you throughout the year.  Maybe we need to reflect on the joy of the holidays as a child.  That spirit is so pure, especially the anticipation alone.  When you are a child, the holidays seem so magical.  You have Santa and the treasure trove of gifts.  I never realized how lucky my sister and me were during those times in our lives.  Now I mark this time of year, by giving a book to a needy child every year.  Now that the holidays are just around the bend, I'm preparing myself for the occasion and trying to lessen the feelings of obligation.  I want this holiday to remind me of where I came from, why I am the way that I am, and how much I really appreciate the bond I have with my family.  I think that this is the true meaning of the season for me personally.  If you can get around the holiday obstacles, which can include arguments, I think you can actually find the whole experience quite rewarding and enjoyable.

Math Anxiety

When you think of being frightened or having a phobia, a fear of heights or a fear of being closed in or claustrophobia are the first ones that come to mind.  Common fears such as a stage fright or a fear of public speaking are, also, notorious.  There is another fear that is just as common, if not more common than most fears, and that is math anxiety.  With math anxiety, even calculating your grades or the tip for a pizza delivery bill may feel like a tedious task.  Math anxiety is an intense emotional feeling of fear that a person has about their ability to understand and work with mathematics. (Texas State University)  This can be confused with test anxiety, which is a fear of taking a subject examination.  According to the WY Math Project, “Anxiety comes in two forms: Somatic and Cognitive.” (Western Wyoming Community College)  Those who are affected by math anxiety can suffer with one or more of these forms.

When I would deal with Math as a subject, especially when I was in high school and even in my college years, I found myself increasingly convinced that I could not pass through any math course.  No matter how much I would study or how much time I would put into the work, I would choke at test time.  This began for me as a young child in elementary school.  I was the type of student who excelled at English or Reading studies, but fell short when it came to Mathematics.  My teachers put me into resource to see if that would bolster my confidence.  When I was older, I would go to tutors to try and alleviate the issue.  I still dealt with the same stumbling blocks.  Making friends with Math, in my opinion, is the most challenging task in the world.  To me, learning mathematics, especially algebra, was like learning a second language.

Attempting to remedy the problem of math anxiety can be an obstacle-ridden process.  A student may feel helpless or hopeless just attempting to finish their homework assignments.  This can cause that student to refrain from doing the work altogether, because the task feels insurmountable.  When test time arrives, the feelings increase and can cause an intense feeling of panic.  A student may even freeze up at test time, making them unable to complete the examination.  This can result in the student handing in an unfinished test, because they couldn’t find the courage to complete the work or even forgot some of the mechanics due to stress.  The student can end up dropping the class or suffer with the effects on their GPA, which feels even worse.

Math anxiety can actually come from a lack of preparedness for homework or tests.  When they say, “…practice makes perfect…” it’s true.  Another cause of math anxiety comes from thoughts of being unintelligent, along with a fear of being obvious, especially if they are called on in class and have the wrong answer.  A feeling of ineptitude can lead to patterns of negative self-talk, panic, and can even lead to depression when you are unable to finish a problem or an equation.  The loss of confidence is the chief cause of math anxiety.  Learning to realize that you can ask for help and educate yourself from your mistakes, is a very important asset in overcoming your fear.

To begin to cope with the feelings of math anxiety, you have to believe in yourself first and foremost.  Staying assured that you can do the work and carrying a positive mental attitude is the first step of coping with the perils of math anxiety.  Another step is talking and asking questions about the math work to your instructors.  They are a resource that is provided to help you to work through the steps of your math problems.  It may feel embarrassing to ask for help, but another step is staying convinced that it’s not wrong to learn through inquiry.  Having your instructor explain the problems and equations can save you a trip to the tutor and make you feel better about the classroom environment.

 

If you look at the problems that are easiest first, whether it’s on a test or in your homework and classwork, then you can move your difficulty level up gradually.  This is a really beneficial step in removing some of the fear of the math problems.  Another step that can help you with math anxiety is keeping up with the classwork.  Staying current on the classwork and homework can keep the math concepts fresh in your mind and creates a solid foundation to work from when you study. (Woods)  This can also help when you move on to more complex math courses.  There can be different approaches to solving an equation or problem, which can help your execution of the work. (Texas State University)  Learning from making mistakes early on can help you during test time.  Practicing the math can help you avoid wrong answers when exams arrive.  According Dave Woods, Associate Professor of Mathematics at Austin County College, maintains that, “If you come into an exam with a feeling of preparedness you will be less likely to experience the physical effects of anxiety.” (Woods)

Sometimes you forget that you use math every day, but practicality never really enters the picture for those who suffer from math anxiety.  I still have to remind myself that it is not very complicated.  Though I have improved my math skills somewhat, I still find myself slipping backwards.  Trying to learn from those feelings and realize when you have those triggers gives you the chance to overcome them and relax about the work.  Math is not the most difficult subject in the world and I feel the need to take a deep breath.  If you just make an effort, you can see where you can improve on mistakes and excel without worries.

References:

"Math Anxiety." Counseling Center. Texas State University at San Marcos, 2011. Web. 10 Dec 2011. .

Woods, Dave, ed. "Coping with Math Anxiety." . Austin County College, 2011. Web. 10 Dec 2011. .

"What is Math Anxiety?." WY Math Project. Western Wyoming Community College, 2011. Web. 10 Dec 2011. .

 

Life on the Homefront, College Life and Planning for Afterward

So I decided to sign up for a transfer seminar.  I'm graduating and I was agonizing over my GPA, so I went to the Advising Dept. at the college for options.  I was really looking forward to being a student at GCU this Autumn, but then certain events my Father created put a wrench in those plans.  Now I have to find a new school to attend and that has to coordinate with where I will be in the seven months.  I'm starting to feel the stress but, at the same time, I feel happy that I am accomplishing something.  My GPA is ample and I feel comfortable enough that I will find a decent school to fit my future.  I spoke to the adviser and told her that I was concerned about whether or not teaching was for me.  I was pleased to be reassured that I could find a four year college that would take me and I could hit the ground running with communications courses right through a school such as that.  I'm still nervous, but I still feel that I should do something that makes me happy.  Teaching, while that is something that I know I can do, won't make me feel whole.  I know that may not make sense, but I can't put it any plainer.  My heart says that radio or some form of communication work is the answer. 

My husband is still working on his certifications and graphic design classes at Kean University.  I can't help feeling that I would be denying his happiness if I pushed through to another school too soon.  That's another obstacle that stands in my way right now.  He can't be with me during the Transfer Fair on Thursday, because he has to be in class.  Hopefully I will get some good information on some schools that can accommodate my major.  The transfer seminar will be even more helpful in that department, because I can get a feel for the process.  When I move again, I will have to find a school closer to my destination.  That's one of the key factors that plays into this as well.  My husband is very apprehensive about discussing this with me and I really don't know why.  The only reason I can fathom is that he's worried his classwork won't transfer to another program. 

Right now I am just working hard to get through Statistics.  I have a great professor, which I had last semester, and so far everything is going smoothly.  I had my first quarterly exam and passed it.  Being that I only have the one course this semester, I can put all of my concentration on the mathematics.  I don't feel so much pressure from a huge course load on top of it.  I can work on some things at home and, also, work on moving forward with a clearer head.  I've been reading a great deal in my leisure time, which has been wonderful.  I've also been watching a ton of movies and tv series.  I have found the beauty of Netflix and decided against subscribing to cable television when I moved at the end of the Summer.  I have the internet for news and weather, plus my phone has that capability also.  What is the point of having cable?  I watch movies on my flat-screen and my computer with my large flat-screen monitor, so I don't see the point of spending all that money for Optimum.  Besides, Cablevision sucks ass to begin with!

My husband and I are preparing for a visit from his Mother Linda and her fiance Andrew this week.  I am so happy for both of them.  I can't wait to see the both of them.  They are bringing their dogs, Dolly and Earl.  My cats are going to be in culture shock, although I think Stubby really won't care.  It's the girls that will be out of sorts.  My dog Ophelia, who is more than sixteen years old, is pretty much well-adjusted to everything.  We are preparing the third bedroom for them and hopefully everything will be ready by the end of the week.  We are still working on improvements around the house bit by bit, just to make things comfortable.  We've got most of our things unpacked, but I want to get some of my books on the shelves.  Things will happen as they should.  Well I'm going back to reading Saving Fish from Drowning by Amy Tan.  I will write more again soon.  Have a great beginning to your Autumnal Season!  Love you all :)

9/11 Ten Years Later

It's been ten years since that day and I can still recall seeing the news with perfect clarity.  My mind recalls the horror and tragedy that flashed across the screen for everyone to see.  It was heartbreaking, terrifying, and it made you realize the fragility of the human condition.  That day so many people came together for one cause selflessly and with the hope of saving as many people as they possibly could.  There had never been something of this magnitude so close to home and an indelible mark had been made. 

Even though our country commanded war in the wake of this event, we still have to live with the loss.  The only way to honor the ten years after this day is to remember the friends, loved ones, and those who tried to save those people.  Fighting violence with violence will never bring them back.  It's the memories, love, and gratitude that will live on in our hearts forever.  Remember that we should hope against hope that the troops, who are fighting this war, find their way home safely.  Remember that we can be a peaceful nation once more.