Two Fold Post (A Mobile Blog)

This is the first fold of this journal passage: Depressive thoughts. Do you think that if you are sad, or if you feel overwhelmed by your life, that you should be allowed to keep that to yourself? I know that I have done that in the past. It can be a frightening undertaking to deal with one's emotions on your lonesome, but I've done it. Many times I've dealt with hard knocks discreetly and I think it was less than valorous, but it saved other people from looking at some of the more sad parts of my existence. Sometimes I still grapple with that type of pain, but I've learned to channel that into other more creative avenues. I'm no poet or songwriter, by any stretch of the imagination, but I can put my thoughts on paper or on the virtual page and let it go from my heart. Sometimes I wonder if it's really wise to throw the sentences on here, because I'm always wondering if people will think less of me. Then I laugh at myself and say, "Why am I being so damn insecure all the time?!" Maybe everything I'm thinking right now is complete drivel. Some people are lucky enough to be able to write whatever they'd like and not regret one sentence. I wish that I was that free with my compositions, because it wouldn't be such a heartache every time I'd sit down to the computer or flick the editor up on Android. I know a few people who have that ease and they aren't the best writers in the world honestly.

Now I come to the second fold of this journal entry: My feelings right now! I've been falling into this indifferent slump where I'm finding myself separate from the world in a way that I never felt possible. I kind of feel embarrassed to even write this, because I feel this ineptitude to explain my difficulties to anyone in the flesh. You can call me a blatant coward or you can, also, call me someone who is entirely too thrifty to hire an analyst. The thing is that I've sat in the inside therapy circle and I know the self-help psychobabble, which doesn't help my case one inch. There is a stigma attached to getting help, and yes some people do look at you in the Girl Interrupted or One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest kind of way. You can tell people to fuck themselves if they carry prejudicial thoughts of you, because there isn't anything wrong for seeking treatment for depression. It's better than the alternative, I can assure you. You can't ridicule someone until you've travelled a mile in their moccasins. I used to think was a droll little saying, but it has a very real meaning. I digress to my earlier discussion, because lately I'm not sure if what I'm doing is the right thing. I feel like I'm walking on quicksand and I can't find my footing. My husband seems to feel very assured and I don't really grasp how that occurs. I see other people do the most ridiculous things and they make it. How does this happen? Am I too sad to make a risk? Right now, the best I can do is work hard at mt studies. It's the one part of life that I have distinct control over. Hopefully, I will have the answers to those questions one day. As it stands, I'm trying to do the best with what I'm given.

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Just Plain Catching Up

I'm finally feeling the edge of Spring like a light at the end of the dark cold tunnel.  Today I went from class to class without bundling up and it felt like a weight had been lifted off of me.  For most people who really know me well, know that I hate Winter with the same fury that I have for daytime television.  After all of that snow and ridiculous garbage that we've had this season, I was more than ready to feel a bit of a heat wave.  It's the one thing that takes the miserable edge off your day.  Seems kind of trivial when you think about it but, to me, it heralds the season of baseball.  Baseball, next to the NFL, is my favorite sport and I miss it dearly.  I miss going to MLB games.  I firmly intend on attending one or two this year.  I'm liking the way the Phillies are looking this year, so maybe I'll try to get Phils, Yanks tickets.  You never know!  It may happen for me.  Those tickets are probably harder to get than a cold. 

WOCC Viking Radio is getting ready to do a benefit to improve our station and to benefit Lakewood Outreach.  My husband has done some flyers and we want to do some advertisements around campus.  I'm thinking about doing a charity auction through my show for the station and for the Epilepsy Foundation.  Something to think about.  Radio is always so much fun for me.  I never get bored with it at all.  I do my show again this Saturday and I'm thrilled.  I'm really sad to be leaving OCC at the end of this Spring, because I have to leave the station for good!  I want to make sure that when I leave this school, I'm doing something that I love.  Radio seems to be something I adore and I want to pursue that, but I'm not sure where to go to make that dream a reality.  I'm still thinking about colleges.  Oh and speaking of my radio show, please listen to me.  I'm on Monday from 5:00 - 7:00 PM EST, Wednesday 11:00 - 1:45 PM EST, and Saturday from 10:00 AM to 1:00 PM EST.  Click here to Listen Live!  I know I'm shameless. 

I have a complaint or a small rant if you will.  You know, there are people in this world that talk about the same damn topic in every blog post that they compose or every word that they put on Facebook.  It really makes me think that their world is limited to one item in their lives or one life experience.  Listen, there are so many different facets and experiences that the world has to offer.  Pick up a newspaper or maybe even read different websites or books.  Watch documentaries, go to a museum, or even catch some foreign films.  For goodness sakes, stop talking about one thing.  It reduces the commonality between anyone else by 75 fucking percent!  Live life before someone else has to live it for you.  I was thinking to myself, "Damn, I'm going to be 39!"  You know what though, at least I won't slow down and saddle down to one thing in my life and get completely lost.  There are people who have children, have a great education, and share all that life has to offer with their families and live such fruitful lives.  People who aren't lost in the mist of something and wasting talents that are so desperately in need to be shared with the world.  Well anyway, that just happened. 

I've been trying to stave away from heavy dairy products and I'm only halfway there, although I have been eliminating a major part of red meat intake from my diet these days.  I broke for a steak once when I went to a dinner a couple weeks ago, but on the whole, I haven't been eating red meat at home.  The best part about the whole scene is that I'm not eating chicken either.  Just fish and veggies.  I don't drink whole milk or skim, just almond milk.  I want to eventually eliminate cheese from my diet entirely as well.  I'm trying very hard, but it's a rough road.  I really applaud those who are able to master a vegetarian lifestyle, because it's really tough.   I want to be healthier, but I'm battling soda as a vice.  I need to get rid of that problem.  Those who've known from classes before or know me personally as a friend, probably know what I'm talking about. 

Anyway, that's my life at the present moment.  Not really that deep for the most part.  I'm enjoying my classes for the most part.  Algebra and Biology make me a bit sleepy, but I can handle that.  I love my Communications Law class the most and second is my Native American Literature class.  I was even late to that class and it was still good.  Of course, that was because I don't drive and I had to wait on transportation.  I watched a good movie the other day.  Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps.  I mean, it wasn't as good as the original, but it definitely had a different angle on the original premise of the story.  For a sequel, which I thought would bomb horribly, it was actually quite entertaining.  Charlie Sheen even made a cameo as Bud Fox.  Michael Douglas was very different in the role of Gordon Gecko this time around.  Definitely a good rental.  Netflix it!  That's all I have for now.  I hope that you are enjoying your week and the delightful weather, if that's what's been coming your way.  One more thing that I need to add for good measure.... I am never going to apologize for my personality, the way I speak with people, or my thoughts as I write them or say them.  I've done that for far too long.  I'm not out to deliberately hurt someone, but I'm not going to censor myself just to make everyone feel better about themselves.

The Gift of Love

Throughout time love has been the poignant theme for composers, writers, artisans, actors, playwrights, and filmmakers. Love is primal, passionate, kind, giving, pure, and the most unpredicatable of all emotions. Love is the strongest of all emotions and carries with it a cryptic and enigmatic quality that makes it endure. Love is hard to define and, in fact, has so many facets that it's definition cannot be purely ascertained. Love creates many different actions, such as self-sacrifice, commitment, caring, and romance. Even though there is no pure definition, love is the one emotion that exhilarates, motivates, and causes us to change.

Like a great current, that is unidentifiable, love is most often recognized in it's wake. As we eclipse the frontiers of our own ego, we can let go our guard to be loved or love someone else. We can remember to love ourselves just enough to love someone else. Let down our barriers to experience peace, compassion, and true joy. We can remember the excitement and fulfillment that it brings and the satisfaction we feel in our heart. Whether this is a relationship with a lover, your bond as a parent with a child, the commitment of friendship, or sisterhood, the harvest of fulfillment is one of great comfort.

There is a great actuality when it comes to the emotion of love: It is fleeting. The reason for this is that life is fleeting. The most passionate of loves can die quickly or can endure for years. The one unflappable, unchanging notion of love is that it's not learned. Love is something that comes from humanity, and it's many different experiences and emotions that can augment or bury that emotion. Fear is the biggest factor that causes humanity to bury love, along with the lack of self-worth. By the time some people realize that there are healthy outlets for their emotions, it's too late. You have to remember that you are worth loving and you have to love yourself. That is the most important part of the game of life. That is the true Gift of Love.

Duo

Went to see another wonderful Duo show again last night. Duo is the combination of the wonderful music stylings of songwriter Richard Marx and Vertical Horizon frontman and songwriter Matt Scannell. The combination is simply wonderful. If you've never seen them play yet, you've must. I went to see them at the South Orange Performing Arts Center in my home state of New Jersey. It was a very nice cozy venue, which gave way to an even better experience for these two wonderful artists. They both played their tried and true favorites, such as Scannell's Best I Ever Had and We Are, while Marx played hits such as Don't Mean Nothing, and Should've Known Better. They took the time to include some newer songs as well, such as When You Loved Me and I'm Not Running, along with a collaboration recording called Always On Your Mind. They even took the time to sit on the edge of the stage to sing that very song. It was definitely a very powerful experience. Other great highlights included Scannell's passionate rendition of Give You Back and Marx's closing song of Right Here Waiting on piano. It reminded me of his original version from the earlier years. I've seen many Duo shows, but this one blew me away. Catch one when they come to your hometown!

http://www.verticalhorizon.com http://www.richardmarx.com

A Passing

Recently, my brother-in-law's beloved father, Tony, passed away. My heart is breaking for David and his family, because I know the pain and loss they are going through. Tony was a very kind person that I wish I could have gotten to know better. When something like this happens, especially to a parent or spouse, it's hard to make sense of it all. Everything seems to be on such shaky ground and all you want to do is find solace and remember things as they once were. At school, I was having a conversation with a buddhist monk from a monastery in India. It was funny, because I never thought that I would meet a Tibetan monk, but he was one of the most calm people that I have ever come across. As he smiled at me, I explained what happened to me and I told him that I really wasn't a great model for Buddhist detachment. He chuckled and told me that he was still learning to deal with that very thing. We talked a bit about loss. Maybe the monk I saw at the college today was right, "Impermanence is a fact of life, and sometimes we have to find acceptance in that." I just don't know if I can grasp that concept sometimes or even at all.

Tomorrow I will be nurturing someone who had the kind and generous heart to nurture me and my family when we needed to be comforted during a very difficult moment in life. I feel so sad and heartbroken for him and for his family. I still ask myself this question: "Why do we have to go through such deep pain and grief in life?" It's probably an age old question that will never be truly answered. You can surmise it with different philosophical angles, but you can't really answer it in the definite sense. We will all suffer and there is no way around it, and in some way we have to find peace with that. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to do that in this lifetime, no matter how much effort I put in to the process. I couldn't ask someone else to even try to do that. I just feel that we have to make sure that we love and care for the people that we surround ourselves with and just enjoy and cherish the time we have with them. Tony was blessed to have such a wonderful family and, hopefully, they will keep all of those loving memories of him in their hearts forever. That is definitely the most important parts to grasp onto, because they will always be yours no matter what.