Random Feelings About Seasonal Ridiculousness

I can't believe how great the weather has been over the last few Summer days. This is the kind of weather that I wait for all year long. I'm not a fan of Winter to begin with, so I relish every Summer day. I love to go to the beach, whether I swim or just walk on the boardwalk. I just love to take in the lush landscape of the season. All of the flowers and trees with their bright green stems, blossoms, and leaves paint a beautiful portrait to behold. I know that some people could say similar words about the Autumn or Winter, but I think it's much different and less enjoyable. I've never been a fan of Winter with the heralding of cold weather and for other reasons too. I really don't like the holidays that much. I can do without all of the hustle and bustle. I wish that we had one holiday that could fall on a warm day in June. This holiday would encapsulate all the meanings and traditions which are included in them as separate events. I really think that, in lieu of buying ridiculous amounts of gifts, we should just have one family meal. This meal should be a potluck where everyone's dish is the gift to the family. This doesn't only have to combine the holidays that fall in the Winter months, but for birthdays and other holidays during the year. In Vietnam, they celebrate everyone's birthday on one holiday, rather than separate days scattered all over the year. I think that's a great idea.

This idea of combining holidays would lessen the giver from overextending themselves during that time and would eliminate the need of sifting through the crowd at your local shopping mall. I truly believe it would cut down on holiday stress and make everyone enjoy themselves. I think that you should have the choice to make it a family event or to opt out of celebrating without feeling any guilt whatsoever. Maybe there would be less depression during that time. Winter sucks the life out everyone to begin with. Why would you want to dump stressful, advertisement ridden holidays on top of it all? You have crappy television commercials that just peddle the idea that we all have to spend large amounts of cash in order to prove diligent Christian worship. Of course the main instigators are Hallmark and Coca-Cola, which go out of their way to make you either heavy, depressed, or a combination of both. This depends on which product you blindly purchase. If we took away the pressure of gifts or the feeling of inadequacy that both of these holidays bring about, maybe the world would be easier to tolerate. It would make things easy, and less about materialism. I would rather it be a holiday of choice, than one of necessity. I think that the December holidays emphasize the fact that some people have no families or have gone through tragedy during some part of their lives. Honestly, I think that these holidays remain popular because it gives some notion that it fuels the economy. Maybe I'm a Scrooge, or the Grinch, but I think it would take away the need to live beyond your means for the sake of the cultural norm.

A New Day

Not to steal from What About Bob?, but I am "baby stepping" toward peaceful acceptance. I took a deep breath when I awoke this morning and realized that everything was going to improve bit by bit. I didn't feel like I was going to collapse into this emotional abyss or have a haze of depression; I just felt a path toward the resolution and reconciliation of what happened on Friday. It still saddens me very much, but I'm starting to feel that push to step forward. I've finally slept eight hours straight and that helped me. I was able to kick back and meditate. This was my way of reflecting. I'm not crying or sobbing; I'm coming to terms with it in my own way. Today I took a nice walk with my husband and I didn't really discuss anything remotely toward the subject. I was able to have a different subject to focus on. I strolled down the riverfront area of our community and it was so beautiful. The Summer weather was absolutely perfect and the breeze off the water was fantastic. I wasn't worried about anything during those moments on my walk and I felt genuinely calm.

I'm doing my best to keep from wallowing and becoming entrenched in a heavy, "feeling sorry for myself" kind of phase. I want to remove that cycle before it festers and ruins my chances for coping with everyday life. That really doesn't do anything constructive and I know my mother would've been angry if I did that. There is a point where you have to relish the anticipation of a new day. Every day isn't going to have blue skies or warm sunshine, but it's a new day with new chances to advance in life. I've had problems remembering this, and I sometimes falter a bit, but I always climb back up to try again. If I sat back and gave up, I would never get anything accomplished. What would that prove? I will never go through a new day without thinking that my mother is absent from my life. It will always be a dull ache in my heart, but I'm going to try to do the best I can with what I have. I have to realize that life goes on, because that would be what she would want. It's really what I want for myself.

Sweet Solitude

I'm very glad that I have such a wonderful family who cares about each other and I was so thankful to have people around me for the last three days, but I did something different today. Today I was so pleased, because I was able to spend some time by myself to rationalize things. I'm not trying to be selfish, but I was glad didn't have to deal with crowds or have to talk about what happened three days ago. I was just able to rest and get some much needed peace while my husband worked. After a while you just get talked out, because you really have nothing left to elaborate on the subject. I just needed to process what I've seen and try to adjust myself so I can find some semblance of normalcy. I know that being around people can help when you are feeling confused, shocked, and going through grief, but I needed to be out of the loop for a bit. Some people have a hard time understanding this, but that's not my problem. I just needed to have a good cry by myself without other people staring at me. My father, and I realize this was out of grief, told me that I needed to go a therapist. Does being alone constitute a need for a therapist? I don't think so. To tell you the truth, I feel much better today after taking some time out. This isn't to say that I'm not grateful for all the support, because I'm absolutely thankful. I think I'm better able to spend time with my family again and help them through their grieving process. I love them all so much and I want to go through the motions of finding some sort of closure.

Tonight, now that I've had some alone time, I went over to my sister's home. I wasn't so pressured and I felt better about things. Because I've been able to sort things out a bit, I can handle more than I could the other day. Even when my eldest sister was drunk, rowdy, and a bit gruff and I had to look at old photographs of my mother, I was still calm enough. I felt strong enough to deal with it. I can't handle too much sadness, and I know that Mom wouldn't want me to get too mired up in this. With that in mind, I'm just going to take a deep breath and try to work through this in a healthy manner. I'm not going to feel bad about taking time to myself and I won't let people make me feel guilty for it. I think it makes me stronger and it helps me be a better daughter, sister, or friend to my grieving loved ones. I think it's better to be healthy than be sheltered, even though I love my family and friends so very much. I want to be able to go through that memorial service tomorrow without feeling depressed and worn out. I want to be able to say goodbye without the cloudiness and numbness that I was feeling earlier. I think that was a psychologically correct approach and it will help me to get on with the rest of my life as it should. I know I will still have those bumps in the road, but at least I can find some way to understand why.

Photographic Memories (A Mobile Blog)

Today is a day for sorting through the pictures. It's hard to find the perfect photos that fit the best parts of Mom's life. I've seen a few different ones that I couldn't leave out. Like the photo of Mom with my baby sister, who was dressed in her Christening gown for her baptism. It was really adorable. Then I found a picture of me on my mother's knee as a toddler with my grandmom Sadie to her side. Both of these photos made me very choked up. It really helps me remember how happy and caring Mom was as a parent. I was blown away by all of the photos from my Mother's childhood and her teenage years. While I was putting pictures into photo albums to display for the memorial, I started to think how impossible it seems that she's really gone. Everyone seems to talk about her and can realize that they won't ever see her again, but it feels like a nightmare that I can't wake up from. Maybe it's feeling the emptiness gets to me. Honestly I just have a problem rationalizing it. The pictures really highlighted that vacancy in my life, even though they brought back endearing memories. It did give comfort to my sisters and my dad, but I could see how it tore them up during certain moments. Maybe looking at photos of your deceased loved one is the way to push you through the grieving process. I know there are stages to that process, but is that part considered acceptance? I'm not sure if I'll ever make it through that ordeal. You never know how life can change, and maybe my view will too.
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Sleepless Grief

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Mom

My Mom was a person who touched so many lives throughout years. She was such a vibrant, loving, and caring personality who would offer you the shirt off of her back if you needed it. She was the one who brought me into this world and educated me on how to be the best human being that I possibly can. Even as I write this now, I can't hold back the tears. She was not only the matriarch in our family, but the foundation for all of us. Mom was the one who helped me when I'd fall and picked me back up so that I could try again. She always taught my sisters and me to be compassionate, loving, and understanding. Sometimes I falter when it comes to those qualities, but I try and use them to the best of my ability. I've learned everything from tying my shoes to decorating a holiday tree from my mother. She gave us the sense of tradition and we are lucky enough to carry that with us.

When I was younger, she was a stay-at-home mother. She was there when we left for school and there when we came home. She bandaged our knees when we fell and dried our tears when we cried. She made snicker-doodles and brownies with us in the Winter and holiday months. During the Summer months, she always made sure that we had activities to keep us busy. I can remember when my birthday would come, she would take me to Island Beach State Park. We would make numerous trips to the shore. She taught me how to appreciate nature, and my love for the ocean comes from her inspiration. Mom took us to Allaire State Park and we rode the Pine Creek Railroad train many times over the Summer. She would take us to the nature center and toured the historic buildings with us. She even taught us how to taste a honeysuckle, which may seem trivial. She would share vegetables that were grown in her garden, and taught us how to cook from a very young age. I can remember making spaghetti with her in the kitchen. Mom was a wonderful cook, but she was a slave to convenience once she began working. We used to giggle at her meal in the bag dinners, which weren't perfected and they were definitely well before their time.

Faith alone was a big part of her life, which she always brought to her family. My mother shared her spirituality with us, and provided us with the faith in a higher power. Though I dispute religion as a realist, I'm glad that she loved us enough to share something that was so deeply important to her. She would always make trips to her Spiritualist retreats in Pennsylvania. When we were children, she began taking us with her on these trips. Years later, she still made the trips to her Spiritual retreat, but they were in Roanoke, Virginia. When she would go on the trips to Virginia, her and my father went to stay in the Blue Ridge Mountains. They loved bringing their dogs, Natasha and Tanya, with them for their vacation. My mother made lifelong friends through her faith and she made sure to visit the retreat at least once a year.

My Mother sacrificed being an at home parent, in our teens, to work for the benefit of the family. She worked for twenty-four years as a bus driver for Monmouth Academy and for years she worked as a florist by trade. She was a such a creative person and being a florist was the perfect medium for her. Mom had an excellent work ethic, but she never forgot to dote on us. When my older sister Stacey came into our lives in 1984, my mother fostered a wonderful relationship with her. I am so very lucky to have Stacey in my life, and I am so grateful to my mother for giving us that chance. Mom was overjoyed to have her back, and she always felt a debt of gratitude to Stacey's adopted parents for raising such a wonderful daughter. My mother's sense of family was something she instilled in all of us, and that is a gift. My mother always made our family gatherings special, even when she wasn't up to hosting them herself. When the holidays would come around, friends and family sat at our table. Mom always made everyone feel as if they were all family. Everyone who walked through her front door, whether they were family or friends, was treated with kindness. The men in my life and my sisters' lives were always treated like members of the family. She treated my husband Donald like a son, and the same went for my siblings' significant others.

My mother was always there for me when my health problems sprung up. She took me to doctors and tried to find a way to make my life as normal as possible. Even when I was the hospital with my disorder, my Mom would never leave my side. Today I value my life, because she was in it. She took care of me when I had my seizures and made every attempt to keep me from feeling like there wasn't hope. She did this even when she was experiencing health problems herself. Mom wasn't the type of person who would want you to worry about her, but she was always worried about everyone else. I had no idea that she was feeling that ill the day before, and you would never really know it just by looking at her. I think that was her way of making sure that we didn't make a fuss, although I wish she had given us a chance to prevent this. I think that the way she went is how she'd hoped it would end. She didn't want everyone to stare at her body; she wanted to be cremated and for us to celebrate her life. This was something that she always told us, even in our teenage years.

Even as adults, we think that our parents will always be there for us. This is something that we think even if it's just on a subconscious level. It's almost like a human instinct that we take longevity for granted. I look at the way my Dad is handling this, and it takes everything I have to keep strong just for him. The same goes for my sisters. This is one of the hardest events that we've ever gone through, in our entire lives, as a family. I am really grateful that we all have each other and all of the memories that will lay in our hearts forever. My mother was a very spiritual person and I know that she would always want us to know that she is in a better place. I'm not entirely sure if that better place exists, but the hope will always remain in my heart. My mother was a benevolent and loving human being. Our family was so very fortunate and grateful to have her in our lives. She gave me life, she gave me hope, and unconditional love. There will never be a day that I won't miss her.

It Happens Every Year

I remember thinking to myself, after I ordered my sangria, "I never get carded anymore?" Yeah, I remember how much of a pain in the ass that is but, when you get to a certain point, it feels flattering. I began to dwell on my upcoming birthday, which is something I wish I could avoid entirely. I've begun to hate having the Happy Birthday song chanted at me during any point. Not only do I find it to be a cruel reminder that I am another year older, but it totally embarrasses you. This embarrassment is especially evident if you are in a public place, such as a restaurant. For the last three years, I have given strict rules about lowering the fanfare on this annual date. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that the Happy Birthday Song should be outlawed after the age of thirty. Now I have been told, by a couple of men that I have encountered, that a woman should not divulge their age. I think that's a load of crap. I'm thirty-seven years old right now and I don't really care who knows it.

For some reason I've always expected that I would be doing so much more at this age. I thought that I would not only be married, but I would have children and a bug house. I call it the standard female conditioning that your Mother instills on you from a tender age. You know the conditioning I'm talking about. It's the kind where your Mother buys you Barbie dolls, Easy-Bake Ovens, and princess costumes, then tells you that one day there will be a "Prince Charming" of your own. Once you start getting older, that changes to, "Just wait until you have kids!" I can see how some of those gender stereotypes can cause repression, especially when it comes to the Father/Son dynamic. Boys are always told that they are to play with Matchbox Cars, Tonka Trucks, and toy building sets. The common theme when it comes to both of these stereotypes, is the instilling that you will eventually find a spouse and pretty much be the Barbie/Ken type. When these things don't pan out like your parents thought, and you've set those high and sometimes unhealthy goals, your birthday can make you feel a bit shitty. Maybe if we didn't let our parents set the bar so high, or if we created our own goals, we wouldn't feel so bad when our life plan doesn't work out. We can't always be princesses or ballet dancers!

When we hit a certain age, is it instinct that we have cheat ourselves out of enjoying life? When you hit a certain age, should we just give up? I've asked myself both of those questions over time, and I just enrolled into college. For some reason, that actually eased some of the pain when it came to my age, although most of the people that I am attending with are between the ages of eighteen and twenty-five. I've actually learned from the younger students when it came to handling heavy workloads and having a life. I still scratch my head when it comes to how they can party and then get a B+ on an exam. When you are in your twenties, you love your birthday, because it's a fantastic excuse to party. Now that I'm turning thirty-eight, the thought of how I will feel the next day doesn't sound like something I want to muscle through. When you turn thirty, a sobering wake up call comes and you have this innate feeling that you must "grow up." I'm thinking that it affects men emotionally, more than they are willing to admit. The only difference is that women are more outward with it emotionally and men will buy a luxury item or bring Viagra into the mix. That is definitely a sexist way of defining how genders deal with the uncertainty that comes with their advancing age, but it does carry some weight.

I was reading, in an article on the BBC UK website, that Vietnamese people don't celebrate birthdays on the day that they fall on. Vietnamese culture celebrates birthday on Tet, which is the Vietnamese New Year. I've actually found that to be intriguing and pretty novel. Wouldn't it be great if people celebrated their birthdays all on one day? It would definitely take away the embarrassment factor a bit, because you aren't only one in the room who will be a year older. It would take away the exclusivity of the birthday and you could share in the joy of celebrating birthdays, while planning as if it were Christmas or Hanukkah. If our culture was like that, maybe I would feel better about the upcoming event. For now I am content in just swallowing my pride and realizing that it may only be a number for now. Having a glass of wine and a nice dinner will buffer the blow too.

I Took Flight! (A Mobile Blog)

I have taken two days with my sister to enjoy the beginning of the Summer months. I decided to take a chance and go parasailing. I have mentioned previously that I wasn't too outdoorsy, but I've also suffered with a fear of heights. My sister had mentioned signing up for parasailing in the past and, when she asked if I wanted to go, I finally said, "Yes." So I sprayed on the sunscreen, swallowed down my fear, and headed down to Gardener's Basin. Truthfully, I was nervous about the way they harnessed you to the chute rig. I never realized that the boat ride was the frightening part. It was rough, and I was grabbing onto the railing for dear life. When they hooked me up with the life vest and rigging gear, I sat on the landing on rear end of the boat. The engine started and when the speed was high enough, I began to rise up in the air. I was a little shaky at first, but that quickly became exhilaration.

The view from above is breathtaking! When you've reached a certain height, you can see the whole Atlantic City coastline! The view of the ocean was like a vision of eternity. It was so peaceful and beautiful, but I couldn't look directly down. I would get a little vertigo. When they start to reel you down, they let you splash in the water for a few seconds. Afterward, they return you in the air and you land safely on the back of the boat. Parasailing was one of coolest adventures I've been on. I'm really lucky that my sister gave the chance to participate. I was able to enjoy the Summer sunshine, the beauty of nature, and overcome my real fear of heights just for that moment. It was absolutely amazing to be able to have the chance to fly through the sky. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

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Lying

What compels a person to commit to being untrue to another person? Somehow I think it's related to human nature. You can chalk it up to protective instinct or to human frailty. The protective nature might keep someone from being hurt emotionally. Another theory could be to protect the perpetrator from being discovered. This can also be connected to the issue of human frailty. This could be to protect the liar's reputation or position in particular in a community or society. Forging the truth can be twisted into a complex entity, which can cause the deceiver to work harder and harder to maintain the deception. Some lies can be easy and will never be disputed, but others will require additional lies to maintain the original deception. When the original lie is revealed, all the other lies will make it that much worse.

Many people lie to avoid things in their marriage or relationships, which is very common. Some people lie to avoid criminal indictment or penalties. Creating such fabrications can cause the deceiver to exhibit certain physical traits that can indicate that they are being untrue. Although some law enforcement agencies use the polygraph test, the validity of the process is only 61% according to psychological tests at the University of Utah. The process of using the polygraph uses the human responses such as pulse, respiration, blood pressure, and heart rate to ascertain whether or not the subject is being deceptive. I can see how this could be debatable, because some signs aren't necessary the result of a guilty conscious. Being extremely nervous can mask as symptoms of masking the crime of forgery or lying.

I can't seem to understand, in some cases, why someone would find justification in lying in your relationship. If you aren't happy, be truthful. This way you can end it if it isn't working, or find a solution so that you can make the relationship work. I realize that sometimes little white lies can be a way of being tactful. When some people use the process of lying for personal gain, such as adultery or stealing, that confuses me. I know that there is no way in the world to be completely honest about your life. There isn't really a way to reveal every secret that you feel about yourself or the world around you. Sometimes you can't be honest about your self-esteem issues, but is that really lying? If you omit something that can be gravely important, in a sense that can be a lie. Lying by omission can be just as guilty as fabricating details about something or someone. If a car salesman leaves out the interest rate clauses on a car you are purchasing, and your interest rate goes up, this is a failure to disclose important information on a contract. That is lying by omission.

Somehow, even though there will never be a cure for this problem, lying is a part of humanity. We use this process to cover our tracks and maintain a certain amount of safety. Unfortunately, it helps people get away with horrible events. In that case, does it seem like a disease. What would we do if our society was completely truthful? In a sense, that may do more harm than good. When it comes to issues within parameters of politics or religion, elements of truth are extremely important. But through the context of war, lying can keep your country protected. Another difficulty is dealing with close friends, family, or loving relationships. There is a way of dealing with people that is truthful, but tactful. Humanity makes it very difficult to draw the line, but lying is such a fragile subject who's secrets may never be truly revealed.

Not Every Day Can Be Your Best Day (A Mobile Blog)

Today I am writing from my BlackBerry, so this is going to be short. I will write a regular entry later today. Do you ever get those days when you just wish you had a do over? A day where you can take all of the crap that when horribly wrong over the course of the day and make it right or avoid the cause of the problem. I always get a day like that when the sky is bright blue and everything is perfect outdoors. It never happens on a day you'd think would be appropriate. By the end of the day, all I want to do is curl up and cry. My therapist says I should journal about this kind of thing, which in a sense, I am doing right now. He also says that I shouldn't succumb to the pain. I realize that I have certain triggers though. Those triggers just make me horribly sad. It used to seem that the curtain of that depression was unyielding, but I've learned to push myself and to realize that it will pass.

I know that I get so frustrated that I cry sometimes, but I think that's somewhat normal next to being so depressed that it was too painful to raise my arms over my head. I'm not embarrassed to say that I take medication for my clinical depression and anxiety. I think it's the one ally I have in my corner sometimes. It took me a long time to realize that it was alright to say I had these problems. I think that the stigma attached is what stopped me cold. I didn't have these problems until later in my life and it felt like I had one more illness that gave me less control over my body. Of course, that was a very naïve idea of how to manage these disorders. It took me years and years of trial and error, and I was beginning to feel like a lab rat, but eventually I found a doctor and therapist that worked for me. I still have my days where I feel a little blue, but I pretty much take a deep breath and life goes on as it should.
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Dinner With Don

I had a wonderful late night supper with my darling husband Donald. I had a steak with some steamed vegetables and a peach sangria, which I'm enjoying in the picture accompanying this blog post. I hope that everyone has a relaxing and enjoyable weekend. Hopefully the weather will be nice and not too hot. Take care and sweet dreams! :)
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Blazing the Female Path for Women's Rights

I don't consider myself a true feminist, and it's not because I don't believe in the movement. I've been trying to analyze this for what it is worth, and maybe I should be embarrassed of myself. I don't really feel subjugated by my gender, although I do think that women should make the same amount of money as men do. I can accept and comprehend the reasons behind why people would want to be part of this cause, because it would further many different facets in politics, marriage, fiscal equality, tolerance, and equal rights. I've never had any reasons to prove myself in a Norma Rae fashion or to protest over my position as a woman, even when I worked in a factory between the ages of eighteen and twenty. I can respect those who need to fight for the results that other people take for granted. I think that those people are the unsung victors, and never get any credit. We, as women, are able to perform certain tasks in life that many feminists fought tooth and nail to be able to do. These women blazed the path for contemporary life as we know it and, though some countries have yet to catch up to this model, American women are able to take advantage of this path.

There are many examples of women who changed the way women were viewed in society. We became vital and worthy of having careers. Though we may not have the same salaries as men, we were able to perform the same occupations. This was a very important step forward to independence and a life without being reliant on men for support. This bucked the trend of having a woman go to college in order to meet an eligible bachelor, marry, have children, and sacrifice their dreams for the dictation of cultural norms. For instance, being a medical doctor was a profession that was only limited to men. Elizabeth Blackwell changed that rule. She was the first female doctor who earned her degree in 1849 at New York's Geneva College. If it wasn't for her perseverance, who knows if there would be any female physicians in this world. Even at that point in history, women were still considered wrong for wanting to have independent careers. Later on second wave feminism took on the subjects such as abortion rights with the most famous being that of the pro-choice model. The Roe v. Wade trial changed the way women were able to deal with planning parenthood. Legalizing the process of abortion gave a woman the right to choose what we were able to do with our own bodies. Though this was very controversial, especially when it came to many right wing Christian conservatives, the judgment was passed on January 22, 1973.

Today, feminism has taken on a very different type of work. Some of this leads the way with fighting against sexual predators, sexual abuse, and sexual harassment. Feminists want equality for race, gender, and LGBT communities (lesbian, gay, bi-sexual, trans-gender). According to many feminists, the third wave began with the Clarence Thomas Supreme Court hearings with Anita Hill. These court hearings in Washington DC championed the voice of equality between race and gender. This movement empowers women seeks to evolve the independence others have already striven for, while fighting against intolerance and injustice. There are very famous third-wave feminists such as comedian Margaret Cho, who has done charity efforts with PFLAG (Parents, Family, and Friends of Lesbians and Gays) and supported President Barack Obama's run for presidency. Other third-wave feminists include Margaret Atwood, who is a well-known Canadian author, social campaigner and winner of the Arthur C. Clarke award, and Kathy Najimy, best known as the Voice of Peggy Hill on King of the Hill who champions the cause of gay and human rights through causes such as the The Feminist Majority Foundation's "Stop Gender Apartheid."

I never realized all of privileges and doors that had been opened by these women, and many of them way before I was born. We have so many chances today that we wouldn't even dream of when our parents were young. I can't help, but reflect and be thankful for that kind opportunity. I may not be so much of an activist, but I am no less grateful for having the freedoms to learn and grow intellectually. It's a shame that some parts of the world still have a backward mentality when it comes to female empowerment. The Vatican in Rome is one instance, and the Nation of Islam is another. Many different patriarchal societies treat women as objects or squelch their importance as intellectual human beings. Instead they are made to be housewives or they aren't allowed to be priests or religious figures. Instead we have priests who do unspeakable things, which will lead to a whole different essay. Hopefully one day, those societies, religious sects, and cultures will see fit to give women the same equal rights as a man. We live in modern times with the evolution of advanced technology, why should we live in the past.

New Mobile Blogging

I thought that it would be really cool if I came up with a moblog. This is something that I could use when I'm on the road and just feel like texting a blog. This also makes things convenient, because sometimes I am not able to access a computer. I thought this would also be a great way to share photos as well.

I have also put my little blog up as a candidate for BlogHer. I'm hoping that I'm able to make it. I'm really having a great time with this. I don't know who reads this or if many do at all, but I love posting. I'm not the best writer though. Ah well. I'm getting tired and so is my little BlackBerry. Goodnight! Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

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Everyone Should Have the Right

My husband has to have dental surgery on his mouth very soon. He has a root canal along with a post and crown with some fillings. You would think that the insurance that my husband pays for every month through his employer would cover a great deal of the cost, but alas that is grievously wrong. To have all of this done, we will have to pay the grand total of nearly three-thousand dollars! If you have choked a little, that's understandable. When you work really hard and you think that your money is working for you, that really sucker punches you. With the whole healthcare bill being the the hot-button issue, second to the BP oil explosion crisis in the Gulf of Mexico, you would think that there would be progress when it came to problems of this magnitude. Obviously that hasn't happened at all. Why is that we are in the minority when it comes to not having socialized medicine? It makes absolutely no sense to me, because it really seems like we are going backwards rather than forwards.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt was the first president to propose government-mandated healthcare insurance as part of his Social Security program. This effort proved unsuccessful, because passed he away before the transition could be completed. Great Britain and many other provinces use this model as their healthcare plan, but we somehow fell short. Now in this country, we have huge companies like Humana, Cigna, Horizon Blue Cross Blue Shield, and United Healthcare. These companies make billions while many patients still struggle just to get treated. Many people in this country still remain without health insurance. According to the Congressional Budget Office, forty-six million Americans are without health insurance. The sick part of that number is that my older sister is part of that number. My sister is a hairstylist, but, because of her chosen profession, she doesn't get a healthcare plan with her employment package. Now if there was socialized healthcare, that wouldn't be a concern. Who knows if the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act will cover all of this.

Now people might see this argument as my liberal complaint, but this is really a case of practicality. Not everyone in the world has a six figure income and can cover large medical bills. It really astounds me that insurance companies only want to turn a profit and it's scary that they make more money to deny a claim. This is why it seems that it would be more urgent than ever to go beyond a public option and bring the plan that FDR had to fruition. Who really gives a damn what corporations fall in the wake of it or if they want to stay in business make them supplementary for cosmetic procedures. This way, if you have to pay for it, there is a reason for only getting a percentage taken care of. So many people already spend so much when it comes to plastic surgery, why not make the insurance companies pay a percentage of that.

There are other things in this country that are socialized like the police departments, public libraries, public school systems, social security, and even medicare. Medicare and Social Security were part of the original incomplete plan. Conservatives consider that people who want socialized medicine are all poor or uneducated. That is absolutely not true! Everyone has their angle with this difficult issue, because of the Republican/Democrat dispute. I don't think it helps that we have television personalities on networks like FOX News and CNN to influence public opinion. It seems that rather than reading, people watch television, but I digress. I wish that I didn't have to put a price on a person's health in the United States. It seems as if it should be a person's unalienable right. Hopefully one day people will realize that we should all have healthcare standard like many other countries.

Insecure Looking?

I remember when I bought my first Cosmopolitan magazine when I was sixteen years old and I was amazed that the girls on the covers and in the magazine articles had such perfect skin, bodies, and hair. I kept thinking that I was making a mistake somewhere along the line. I wasn't developing fast enough when I was young and I was kind of gawky, so I really felt like an outsider then. I guess that was the start of my problem. You are always convinced that these girls were perfect from the day they were born. I didn't have an easy childhood, especially in my teens. I wasn't the fast developed one, like some of the cheerleader types or the bimbo blonde types who had the pick of their boyfriends. I had a succinct group of friends who were all pretty much the outcasts. I never realized that this was an advantage then, especially in a creative sense, because I still longed to be, "just like everyone else." That feeling of secret competitiveness always stayed with me, even when my friends didn't really care.

Chris Rock said it best when he described high school, "It's like prison without the ass-raping." You can expect mental and sometimes physical abuse if you don't meet a certain criteria. Unfortunately that is a Russian Roulette type of situation. You could be the best student in the world with the best grades, the best attendance record, and the best behavioral record, but have the hardest social life in the known universe. That can kick the shit out of your self-esteem, but I kind of had a two-fold thing going on. There is one key factor that you tend to forget when all is said and done, you can become very tough! That happened to me. So rather than being just an outcast, I was just one of those creative types who ended up not graduating with my class for other concrete reasons. I ended up living life without a code, which made me feel better about some aspects of beauty. Although I still struggled with it, I was better able to deal with it when I embarked on my young adulthood. You aren't answering to anyone and you are free to find your own way.

So now in my thirties instead of reading Cosmopolitan, I read Vogue magazine. I can't really tell if the standard of beauty or the code of perfection is worse than it was when I was reading Cosmopolitan. The clothes are definitely more expensive and the models are definitely more svelte than they used to be. The friends that I surround myself with now aren't as concerned with how I look or how they look. I guess that doesn't really put as much pressure on me. The funny thing is now I put even more pressure on myself. I keep saying, "I'm too fat, my skin is blotchy, and my hair needs desperate help!" Even worse than that is now it goes to materialism. I never really cared about that when I was younger and suddenly, out of nowhere, I want designer items. It's not even the name, but the quality of the goods. I hate that I've raised the bar that high for myself. I don't want to be the bobo chick who feels the need to overspend themselves just to buy that Gucci bag, but sometimes I wonder if that is part of my insecurity. There is a definite difference between that and having nice things. I see the clothing and makeup though and I have to say that I always wish that I was that perfect. I still have that nagging feeling that there is someone pointing at me and saying, "Look at her!" That's something that I hoping to overcome because, every once in a while, I still feel like that high-school girl.

My Computer Had a Near Death Experience

I have a funny story to tell you all. It's actually quite ridiculous, but I figured I'd flesh it all out for you anyway. I was sitting at my computer about two weeks ago watching a hysterical Dave Chappelle clip called Charlie Murphy's True Hollywood Stories. This was the one describing Charlie's incidents with Rick James, which I might add were more bizarre than I expected. While I was laughing my ass off, the clip made it to a certain part where Rick James explains that, "Cocaine is a hell of a drug!" After he says these words, my computer then froze repeating Rick James's laughter over and over, then proceeded to die. This was, in my eyes, the death rattle. So I was lucky enough to have a backup of all of my information and files, then I was able to reinstall windows. I was, of course, freaking out and near the point of tears and had to leave because of other plans I had made. My husband was laughing, which was frustrating me even more. Don kept repeating to me, "Calm down, and we'll reinstall the operating system. You'll be fine."

So when I returned home, I started the whole process of repairing my computer without knowing whether or not I would still have all of my documents or images. When everything was set up, and things were back to normal, I took a sigh of relief. Don looked at me, smiled, laughed, and said, "Rick James nearly killed your computer! Hahahahahahaha!" Now this might seem like a dumb story, but it definitely made me wary of embedded video files. Sometimes I think there are viruses on the pages of some video sites, because they really do slow down your computer. I guess it didn't help that I was on a windows platform. Those who use Apple products are probably chortling at me right now. The moral of this story is: Make sure that you have a damn good virus scan program or your computer can die by the hand of a 70's music artist risen from the grave. HA!

Impermanence

Is there a real point where you shouldn't become attached to things. I know that the Buddhists talk of impermanence, but what about family heirlooms or prized possessions? I can remember buying a really expensive pair of sunglasses and then misplacing them. These sunglasses were worth over two-hundred dollars and they were absolutely beautiful. I always felt this deep fear of losing them and, when I did, it was like this strange and awful prophecy came true. This is just materialism alone! Does the same prophecy hold true for people? Do we feel a selfish attachment with people when we mourn? I don't know whether I can subscribe to the whole reincarnation thing, because I am not religious at all. I can see how the idea, in itself, could be worthwhile for some people. Wouldn't you like to be able to come back? The only thing is, what if you come back as something like a spider or a dung beetle? That doesn't sound like a fruitful next life to me. It's one thing to learn, but it doesn't seem to amount to anything if you aren't going to back to an appropriate vessel in which to start over. That's where I find the religious stumbling block.

We all find ourselves fearing old age and the eventual settling into death. I even find myself being scared of when the other shoe will drop. I'm not so much afraid of what I will look like when I get old, because that doesn't really matter to me. It's the pain and suffering that I will have to endure during that path in my life. That is the part that really frightens me. I feel as if I will lose the very vitality that I held so dear. I may not be the healthiest person in the world, but I do value the youthfulness that I still possess. I can see the wrinkles that are starting to form around my eyes. I know that the one or two gray hairs that were found probably have a hundred more waiting in the shadows to follow in their stead. Those things still don't bother me as much as falling deathly ill with crippling arthritis or getting something like Alzheimer's disease or some form of heart disease. I guess that shows the impermanence of health. Maybe I shouldn't be so attached to my body or even my mind. Maybe I should think in terms of that my body is a shell. I can't really tell how my life will live on. Maybe it won't; maybe it will. I don't have any high expectations.

Another fear which comes from the thought of impermanence comes in the form of losing my spouse or my loved ones. I can't even imagine what it will be like when I lose my husband or my close family. It really frightens me to know that, like myself, they have an expiration date. It seems like we all have a date, like cartons of milk or parcels of vegetables. It seems that life is so fragile. Now with the way our government works, you can't tell if you can even live your life without the fear of losing everything when your spouse passes away or gets sick. So, not only do you have to worry about losing the person you love with all of your heart, you have to worry about losing everything you have worked for and collected throughout your entire lifetime together. The impermanence strikes both the fragility of life and the materialistic part that is also very important. This can also be something that goes away even if you get sick and you are alone. So how do you place a value on your life. You can't measure it by the things that you accrue in your lifetime, because those are just material items that aren't always going to exist. It's the measure of your spirit. That will live on forever and remain in everyone's thought.

Furry Family

How do you classify family? You have your mother, your father, your sisters, brothers or if you are married your husband and maybe your kids. I have an interesting extension to my family at home, and maybe some of you do too. My husband and I do not have children per say, but we do have pets. We don't have one kind of pet; we have a blended family of sorts or a menagerie if you will. They are the furry part of our family tree. Each branch of that family tree has an interesting and loving story behind how they came into our lives. Some of our pets were from rescues, some were adopted from friends or even found. Some of our pets were bought from breeders, and some were born right in front of our eyes. We were lucky enough to have these little furry creatures wander into our lives, and I would like to explain their stories to you. A little background about the animal family members that have been with us over the years.

Ophelia is the eldest girl in our family. She is a little Boston Terrier that came into our lives fourteen years ago as Daddy's little holiday surprise. We call her Opie and she kind of thinks of herself as a bigger dog than she really appears. She has been with us through thick and thin, throughout most of our married life, and is the kindest, gentlest dog you'd ever come across. Since she was raised with cats, my husband and I call her "cat/dog." Curley our first cat, was her first playmate, and her second playmate is our fourth cat Kirah. Now she tries to play with all of the cats, some to their chagrin. It's a little harder for her now, because she has cataracts, but she still gets around alright. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky we are to have her in our lives.

Stubby is our brown tabby and white Manx cat who is about nine years old now. For those who don't know about a Manx, they have no tail. When my husband and I moved to Ocean, New Jersey, we had Ophelia and one cat named Curley, who is no longer alive anymore. When we moved in to the apartment, I thought that Curley looked lonely and needed a playmate. So we decided, over time, to adopt a kitten into our family. We went to a rescue in Jackson and looked at different little kittens and chose little Helen. So when we were filling out the paperwork to bring little Helen home with us. The woman who runs the rescue said, "I have this other cat who needs a home. He is two years old and I have had a hard time placing the cat. The cat is really sweet, would you like to see him?" I was unsure, of course, but she went and retrieved the cat to show us anyway. The cat jumped into my husband's arms purring happily. She then proceeded to say, "He has all of his shots, and is fixed. If you adopt him, I will waive the fee." Don was won over by the cat and soon I was too, and home he and Helen came to our home. Donny calls him the Free Gift with Purchase cat.

Helen is our seven year old calico cat girl. She is probably the toughest member of our group, because she is the most temperamental. She came home the same time as Stubby, as I'd mentioned. Helen has a time limit when it comes to how long she will tolerate anyone, including her cat brethren. We thought it was something that might have happened before we got her, but then we realized that was her pathology. I have to say that I love her spirit! I love that she is not the nicest cat, and I would worry if she changed. She's not always mean, mind you. If you give her treats, food, or other types of reward type things, she's very kind. Her lovey side comes in spurts, but like a person her personality is diverse. She pretty much loves her rainbow mice and the cat tree, and her independence. This often leads to her getting in trouble as I had written about in the past. Luckily she has two responsible parents who watch out for her independent ass!

Our third kitty Tiger was a trailer park cat. My sister Stacey called me one day and told me her friend Bonnie was feeding this cat that lived in the trailer park adjacent to her property. Apparently the cat was abandoned for almost a year after his owners moved away. There is a funny story when it comes to Tiger. When I first went to adopt Tiger, I was told he was a girl. The veterinary papers given, and the shot records given on adoption said that he was a girl. We decided to name the cat Tigress and took the cat home. The cat was happy, healthy, and acclimated into our home perfectly with the other cats. Then he got a little sniffle and we ended up taking the cat to the vet and to our surprise Tigress came home Tiger. The poor cat had a drag name for almost a year. We both felt so bad for the poor guy, but he didn't seem to mind. Tiger is the eldest cat in the group now at eleven years old and the sweetest cat you'd ever meet. All he wants to do is be pet and loved constantly. I've never had a cat who was more thankful just to be on your lap.


When my cat Curley, who was ten years old at the time, passed away from cancer, I never thought that I would get over it. Curley was my baby and the first cat in our family. When something like that happens, I don't care what anyone says, it hurts badly. To this day, I still have hard time with it. I think it hurt even more because Donald and I saw Curley into this world. We helped bottle feed him when his natural mother wouldn't nurse him anymore. It was such a deep loss for both of us. When he got very sick, it was very quick. We took him to the vet and she was very honest with us. I remember the day completely and it still hurts like hell. Without going into detail, we didn't go with him that snowy evening in December of 2003.

In January, I get a call from my little sister Lenore about a cat that her friend Kevin was looking to adopt out. I immediately told her no, because I wasn't up to it after the whole thing with Curley and the unrest I was still feeling with that situation. She conceded for the time being, but called again about it the next day. Lenore told me to visit with the cat and if I really wasn't interested, she would let the situation go completely. After her constant prodding, I decided to go. Kevin, my sister's friend, had this one year old kitten they were calling "Worms." The reason being was that she had a case of worms when he got her, or so I think. That condition was gone by then, but the name stuck I guess. She was an adorable little kitten, but I guess she was a little too gregarious for Kevin's taste. She used to knock his action figures over and bury things under the carpet. Anyway, I started to play with her and pet her, she seemed to be very sweet. I kind of got suckered in and decided to take the little one home. I couldn't call her "worms," because she was too pretty for that. So today she is called Kirah, and she is six years old. She is a tortoiseshell calico kitty and she is very vocal. She loves to warble and meow at you. We call the knocking things over stunt the frequent shopper attacks, and usually it's just for attention. Now that she is doted on more often, she really doesn't make that kind of problem anymore.

We've had many birds in our family over the years. When Don and I were first married, we had one bird Chi-Chi. Chi-Chi was a parakeet who wasn't really big on being held or anything of that nature. She was a feisty little blue and white girl who laid eggs all the time. When we moved to Ocean Township, we got a cockatiel named Norbu. Norbu is a very cute, but is definitely Daddy's girl. She lets me hold her from time to time, but she mostly can do without me. Norbu, who is our only bird now, enjoys hearing music and watching television for the most part. She screams at me every time I come in the room and hangs upside down. When Chi-Chi unfortunately passed away in 2004, we eventually adopted Hyde another female parakeet. Hyde was very timid and had a very hard time bonding. She was a rescue and we didn't know what her former owners were like. Hyde was with us for six years before she passed away last year. We never really knew how old she was, but we loved her dearly and it was very hard for us to see her go. We also had Walter the canary who was with us for four years before she died. Walter was marked as a male on her rescue papers and then one day laid an egg, but since we liked her name, Walter stuck. Again, because she was a rescue, we never knew how old she really was. We miss her so much all the time. She was a wonderful bird and was a very important part of our family.

I'd had rabbits in the past, when I was a child, but they were not very nice rabbits. So when my husband found out about some rescue bunnies, I was kind of apprehensive about even approaching them in general. They were these cute little Netherland Dwarf bunnies, one steely grey and the other creamy white. When I went over to the pen, Don opened up the cage and the grey one hopped into my arms. The rabbit was immediately affectionate, and I was totally suckered. His little litter mate was just as sweet, so they went home a matched pair. Turned out that they were both fixed, which was nice. Kola, the grey bunny was a male and Schuyler, the cream bunny was a girl. The two of them were so sweet and because they were rescues, I didn't really know their age exactly. I had them both for six years, and then Schuyler unfortunately passed away from cancer. Kola is doing well and he still plays with his toys. I was worried that he was too melancholy for a while, and then I noticed he started to enjoy watching television with the bird. It was as if the television became his surrogate playmate. That was kind of scary at first, but in a way I was glad. Now he seems to be doing fine on his own and plays with his toys happily. He still enjoys to chew and spit out paper for sport, and will ham it up for the camera.

Each one of our little furry family members has brought us a sense of loving fulfillment. We will always embrace every memory they have allowed us to share with them. Animals are companions that will always be an important part of our family life. I have always been a firm believer that your life is complete with your pets along with you. These animals are most definitely our family and a very large part of our lives. They give us unconditional love and support no matter what, and they are always here for us when we come in the door. They trust us and have a bond with us that can rival some human friendships. They are the first ones we see in the morning and the last ones we see before bed. Some of them even share our bed! There are benefits to having animals in your life. They make you step out of your comfort zone. They make you get out and walk, they reduce your stress, and they can even lower your blood pressure. They all have their own distinct personalities, very much like some of the people in our lives.

iCommunicate

The millennium didn't give us flying cars, but it changed the way we communicate. When I was younger, I can remember when my class offered the penpal program to students in our class. I thought that this was the most innovative and interesting way to keep in touch with another person who lived thousands of miles away from you. This person lived in a place that you may never visit, but you were intrigued to learn about them and about their culture. They were probably just as interested in you, or at least you'd hope they were. This seems like a lifetime ago and, for that point in time, things have changed so much since that point in my life. With the advancement of computers and the invention of the internet, the need for sending letters is no longer needed. The boundaries of stamps and the waiting of weeks is a thing of the past. Now you have a global network of individuals that access the internet everyday. These individuals use social networking sites such as MySpace, Facebook, and Twitter. Now if you want to send a letter, you can send email or send messages through these sites. If you want to be writer, all you need to do is make a blog. Even now, I'm actually publishing myself in a way I never thought I could even ten years ago. It's amazing the way technology has changed the way we deal with everyday life. With the advance of cellphones, we can contact each other in almost any destination. Communication has been refined with the invention of texting and leet speak. I even use my iPod Touch for Twittering and Facebooking. You can find people with common interests through message boards and chat rooms that have to do with particular topics. These places can exist on various websites. (i.e., music, health, movie, art, or technology websites)

The internet helps me learn about subjects that I could never get from just a book alone. I can find articles by just the touch of a button, search down books with just a click of the mouse, and cite my sources by cutting and pasting them into the citation machine. I can purchase my movie tickets, my concert tickets, and hotel reservations all through some little keystrokes. I have learned about Tibetan history and art one day and English history the next just by looking through Google Scholar. I can find the best restaurants in New York City and find directions using Google maps satellite program. You can practically see a bug on someone's windshield with Google Earth. You can see your favorite television show streaming on YouTube or play World of Warcraft on your MacBook while chatting with other players during a battle. The whole Warcraft thing just astounds me. The fact that you can hook all of that through an XBOX 360 and chat on the internet through their while playing the game is hysterical. My husband has now become addicted to the game, and now I feel obliged to buy him a better version of the software. I've heard that people actually meet individuals through that type of media, which cracks me up. I can remember the old Apple computers in the eighties from when I was in the 7th Grade. For those who understand what I mean, the Apple IIC's. I remember how I thought that was advanced technology. How far have we came since then Steve Jobs? HA!

The funny thing is that I was able to meet some really great friends because of the internet. Some of them I haven't been able to meet in person. It's funny to think that you chat or comment to these people on Facebook all the time, but you don't see these people in every day life. This is an extension of your world via technology. You may not know these people if you met them in person, but you know them by username or by name on Twitter. It's a strange cyber-community that exists in a separate space away from your realistic day to day life, but in some way is no less important. Technology and my computer are very important to my school life, and some of my classmates keep in touch with me through the internet. Family and some people who exist in my day to day life are part of my virtual world as well. In a way, that blurs the line almost. Then there is that extension, that world where I have friends that I may not have met, but care about. These people are kind and wonderful. We share common interests and enjoy commenting to each other. Some of these people live here in the United States and some do not. It's really cool that my little computer lets me correspond and make friends or penpals, if you will, halfway around the globe.

One of These Nights

A couple months ago I was looking for Keith Urban tickets. I'm a really big fan of his music and I like to see one of his concerts a year, when he comes around. So I went onto Ticketmaster to see if his tour was moving through town during the Summertime. When I typed in the search engine and clicked, the Eagles came up. I looked at the bill and I was so excited. So, naturally, I told my husband about the concert, because I didn't want to go alone. Donald kind of sighed, as you would imagine, because this isn't his type of music. He knew I really wanted to go, so he went with the whole idea. When I saw the tickets for their other tours on Ticketmaster, they were always very expensive. This was very reasonable in comparison and it had the added bonus of Keith Urban along with the Dixie Chicks. Going to this concert, for me, was something that I have dreamed for so many years. I have been wanting to see the Eagles in concert since I was fourteen years old! I've had almost every album they ever made either on tape or on vinyl. Now I have them digitally! Out of every musical group that I've ever been into, they've always been my favorite. (They were the reason that I got into Richard Marx. It's true!) From the time I ordered the tickets, to the time they arrived, to the show date came up, I was sitting on pins and needles.

When the show date finally arrived, my husband and I decided that we were going to the venue early. We figured it would cut down on the traffic and we'd get ample parking. I thought that we were going to be lucky and have a sunny day for the show, but there were a couple weather twists that we didn't expect. We packed sandwiches and iced teas in the cooler, because we didn't want to spend too much at the stadium. After we ate and we were seated it was quite sunny and hot, which was very unpleasant to say the least. When Keith Urban came on, a downpour came upon us. It rained for the bulk of his set, and most of the people fled for cover. I didn't want to miss any of his set, because I love his music so much, so I braved the rainstorm. It was really fun! Keith always puts out one-hundred and ten percent, whether he is opening or headlining a show. He rallied through the crowd and played You Look Good in My Shirt, which is one of my favorites. Keith also played Days Go By and Stupid Boy, along with Defying Gravity songs Sweet Thing, Kiss a Girl, and I'm In. He ended the set with Somebody Like You. Then the Dixie Chicks came on and did their standard fare with songs like Ready to Run, Goodbye Earl, Wide Open Spaces, and Not Ready to Make Nice. They also did a cover of Hey, Soul Sister by Train. I really enjoyed them. By then, I was wet and kind of cold.

When the Eagles were getting ready to come on stage, I was already speculating on how they would start their set. One of my favorite Eagles songs in Seven Bridges Road, which Keith covers on the road. I thought that since Keith was with him on this leg of the tour, they might start with that song as their opener. Of course, they actually did! That was really fantastic! To hear Hotel California, Witchy Woman, and Life in the Fast Lane live is unbelievable! To hear Joe Walsh play guitar on those songs is absolutely mindblowing. The band performed Take It to the Limit, but they had Glenn Frey on the vocals. It was distinctly different, but I was still amazed that I could hear that song live. Nobody could belt out that tune like Randy Meisner; no matter how you size it. My favorite songs with Glenn Frey are Lyin' Eyes and Take It Easy. I was so amazed to hear Don Henley sing Desperado and Timothy B. Schmidt sing I Can't Tell You Why. Those are moments in my life I will never forget. There were some songs from Joe Walsh's solo works and from Don Henley's, most notably Boys of Summer and Life's Been Good. The band played almost every song I wished they would've. It was a dream setlist that even exceeded my expectations. By the end of the night, even though I was damp and freezing, I was beyond happy. This was the concert I was waiting to see since I was a kid; this was one of the best shows I've ever attended. A simple bit of luck while looking for Keith Urban tickets made my dream come true. Thanks Keith! :)

Secret Confessions of an On Again-Off Again Weight Watcher

Struggling with the pressures of eating right is a day to day venture for me. Making the right food choices is sometimes very hard. You have to make sure that the products that you are eating aren't high in sodium or in fat, and have good carbohydrates or proteins, not to mention vitamins. The things that are tempting to most aren't the difficult enemies to me. I don't eat heaps upon heaps of bread and I don't like sweets, ice cream, or chocolate. My enemy is savory and that comes in the form of salty combined with high fat dairy, pasta, or protein foods. Examples of these bad food choices come in form of chicken parmigiana, your lasagna, pot roast with mashed potatoes and gravy, or macaroni and cheese. I was eating very little vegetables and it was very scary for a while. This lifestyle happened until about 2001 when my body couldn't handle it anymore. Many of the bad food choices happened, because of the company that I was keeping. You'd be surprised how much that can influence your life.

I wasn't a "fat kid" growing up. In fact, I was the direct opposite. I was a very skinny little girl who was encouraged to eat by her parents, grandparents and various relatives, because I was considered "too thin." I don't know if this started a bad trend or if this helped to enact the fat gene to begin in my adult years, but I don't think it helped entirely. When I started taking heavier medication for my health problems in my late teens and early twenties, my body seemed less and less able to remove excess body weight. This is when the problem started and I should have paid more attention earlier in the game. I had very bad role models in forms of parents and friends, whose eating habits sucked to say to the very least and I followed suit. I was, indeed, the fool! I got to a point after marriage and at a certain weight, where I felt hopeless. That's the time when you feel the least happy with your appearance and the least beautiful as a person. In essence, your self-esteem is at -100%.

I have to admit, even though I started to eat vegetables and change my life in 2001, I still didn't really comprehend why I wasn't getting any better. I started to realize that even though you eat vegetables and organic foods, if you eat fats and salt, you aren't going to lose the weight. In 2002, I mustered up the willpower to go on a diet. I was doing fabulously and eating right. Most of the food that was entering my mouth was low carb and low sodium and I was exercising regularly. I looked at the scale, and I lost over seventy pounds. Then there were some traumatic things that began to happen in my life, and all of that work and willpower seemed to be flushed down the toilet. I fell off the wagon big time, and all that work was washed away in less than a year. It was heartbreaking and I never looked in a mirror so that I could remain in denial. After all of that happened, my husband and I got everything together and moved down to where we are living at this point.

Because of all of the crap I was going through, I decided to seek a therapist. I figured, what could it hurt. I decided that, since I was doing the whole therapy thing, I might as well go back to dieting. This time, rather than doing the whole healthy eating approach through cooking low carb and making those type of food choices, I would do the frozen food and pre-packaged food approach. I did this for a whole Summer and part of the Autumn when I first moved in 2006. I had quit smoking and I was happy about that, but it made everything with the diet endeavor very difficult. I fought through it and eventually lost over fifty-six pounds. The weird thing is that when you get to certain point in your dieting, you begin to think that you are strong enough to overcome the fat gene. You think that just because you had problems with bad food choices in the past, doesn't mean that they will affect you when you become healthy. That is absolutely ridiculous and delusional, and I have deluded myself more often that you may think. After all of that work, that diet failed miserably. It was then that I read in a 2008 survey by the American Diabetic Association, that out of eight-hundred adults, seventy-three percent said they aren't improving their diets because they do not want to give up their favorite food items. Seventy-nine percent of the 800 adults are satisfied with how they are eating. That's when I realized that pushing myself into packaged foods wasn't curing anything.

Today, I have been trying my best to just eat the best I can. I don't eat with heavy portions and I stay active. I'm trying to cut out high sodium food, but keep with high flavor. I've been doing a great job so far. Sometimes I have my issues, but I am still learning this lifestyle. I was proud of myself the other night. I went to a wine and cheese party, and I stuck to eating vegetables without the cheese. I had a couple glasses of wine and a boatload of water. I know it won't be easy and there will be days where I will fall off of the wagon, but I'll just jump back on and keep going. I figure if I can keep going on the diet even if I slip up here and there, at least I will have a constant plan. I think that was part of my mistake with most of the other diets that I was trying. Rather than choosing to just eat healthy, I was choosing no-carbs, pre-packaged, or points. I just want to make sure I'm happy with my life and I think that is the most important thing. I don't think that eating from a box is going to make your life any easier. I don't know where this road will lead me, but I'm very excited to see how things will turn out. I have to say that is the most dramatic difference between every other plan I've ever had.

I'm Not Defined By My Lack of Progeny

The other night, someone approached me on my reasons for not having children for my own. I struggled for an answer at first, because the way it came out hurt a bit. It almost seemed that lack of children was an abomination of some sort. My answer was simple, "It was never an option." When you are young, there are a great deal of stereotypes that are thrown your way. You are told that you must attend college, meet the perfect mate, marry this perfect person, and have a couple or more children. In today's standards, that can go along with the parents both having careers and paying for a nanny or outside childcare. Many families even have stay-at-home dads or moms. The family dynamic is very different as well, because you have single parent households, blended family households, and same-sex parents households as well as the mother and father nuclear family dynamic.

Now I never went the perfect route in life, because I wasn't really the healthiest person in the world. With that element in place for me, my schooling ended abruptly and I ended up getting my GED. My difficulty in life happens to be grand mal and petit mal epilepsy, which has me on many different medications that would endanger the life of the child from conception toward birth. So when my husband and I met each other, fell in love, and eventually married, we decided that it would be fiscally sound and medically reasonable if we did not try to have a child of our own. We also decided that adoption was not something that we wanted opt into either. With epilepsy, I'm not really sure that my chances of adoption would be very likely and the cost of adoption abroad is extremely costly to say the very least. That does not count the emotional roller-coaster and uncertainty that goes along with adoption as well.

Because my husband and I have made the conscious decision to not have children doesn't mean that we do not like children, it simply means that we aren't cut out for that type of lifestyle. There are many moments within our lives as a couple where we often realize that we are not parent material. We enjoy the freedoms of being able to do anything we want without the worry of having to find childcare or a sitter. With the way the economic climate is during the financial crisis we are experiencing between 2009-2010, it is not fiscally responsible for a couple in our position to conceive. My husband and I will not have to worry about the fiscal and environmental strain that one or more children will put on us as a couple. (i.e, college, cars, diapers, food, clothing, transportation, medical care, utilities, etc.) The environmental wake from every child is absolutely astounding if you think about it.

I have been married for almost fifteen years without the pitter-patter of little feet in our household. Statistically the odds for our marriage lasting over ten years were actually against us according to the most recent study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control in 2002. They say that seventy-nine percent of couples who conceived and had children within eight months of getting married were still together after ten years of marriage. Fifty-five percent of couples stayed together more than ten years if they had a child prior to marriage. Here is the clincher! Only thirty-four percent of couples, who remained childless, celebrated their tenth wedding anniversary. I found that to be unbelievable and sad at first. When I sat there and mulled it over and over in mind for a while, I thought, "Wow, Donald and I beat the odds! How intriguing!" Those who think that our life is joyless, because we are childless, distinctly forget that you make your own happiness as a couple.

Roughing It

Now I have a philosophy in life when it comes to the outdoors. Aside from the beach, I've never really been the outdoor type. I like to know that natural landscapes are able to be protected, but I have no desire to hike them or stroll through them in any capacity. I have a real reason for this, and it's not laziness I assure you. Part of it is the dirt factor, but my main concerns about going out into the wilderness come in the form of the insect variety. I despise bugs with a passion, and this means all bugs. Spiders are considered arachnids rather than insects, but they still fit the bug mold to me. These type of creatures deserve to be either smashed, poisoned, or repelled, because they are pests. I would rather not encounter them in any capacity whatsoever. I'm deathly afraid of them and I uncontrollably scream when I see a bug.

Even though I have this aversion to insects, my husband insists that I should experience the outdoors. He wants to go canoeing or kayaking and while that sounds fun, I'm afraid of water parasites. The last time I went hiking with my husband, I came out of the woods with hundreds of ticks on me and a grave fear of Lyme's Disease. That kind of sealed my fate with insects after that incident. My husband insists that I shouldn't kill spiders as well and tells me they should live as part of a healthy part of the ecosystem. I say they are trespassers and deserve to be squashed. I don't think that they would think twice about biting me at all. Even though I'm scared of insects and alike, I feel sad that I can't enjoy places like Ocean County Park and Allaire State Park to their full capacity. I have never been camping, because I have been too afraid to be outdoors overnight.

I have been thinking this over and over in my head. My husband always lets me plan the vacations and trips every year, and I wanted to let him do the planning. I know that he has been wanting to do the camping thing for so long. Maybe if I get enough Off or Cutter, and I get a big enough bug net, I can actually enjoy sleeping outdoors in a tent. The only thing that grosses me out is the running water thing. Are there actually campsites that have running water that is completely hygienic? Are there alternate means of transporting water to bathe with? These are other questions that plague my mind, and make me nervous about doing anything that requires me to rough it. Does this mean that campers sometimes go for a couple days without intensive bathing? That creeps me out in the deepest sense. This doesn't strike me as much as the insect or wild animal factor would, but it comes close.

How do we truly overcome a fear? I think that answer is by just doing it or immersing yourself into the one thing you are afraid of and realizing that the obstacle was not as tall as you'd originally thought. I do think that these things should be taken slowly, and I'm not going to go through the river in waders to go fly fishing just to prove that I won't die from it. Some of this need to be outdoors also comes from what my doctor told me after a blood test. I have a vitamin D deficiency. This is because I'm a vampire! Ha ha ha! Well when I heard this, I considered that maybe sunshine was something that I really needed, which is why I think that I shouldn't put myself in a corner. This Summer, I've decided to go tubing with my husband in New Hope. I have to try and coordinate schedules, and this is a big step for me. I want to try the whole wilderness/river thing, and see how it goes. Maybe if I enjoy this, a canoe or camping trip isn't far from my future.