Sick

For the last five days, I have been battling the dredges of influenza.  I am convinced, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this something that can be prevented.  Now let me paint a picture for you.  I went to an event that someone was throwing, and this person was getting over a bout of influenza.  This person didn't really notify anyone that she was still suffering with the illness; this person just invited everyone over without thinking twice.  I gave this person and his/her sibling a hug, because I hadn't seen them in sometime.  As I was helping them both in the kitchen, I noticed one of the hosts sniffle and cough.  I asked, "Do you have a cold?"  I was met with the response, "Oh I am getting over the flu."  Later that evening, I had told the person I was with about this and, of course, they were upset by the situation.  Mind you, because there were children at this event, I had used hand sanitizer and took every precaution.  Even with that in place, I still got their germs.  I'm convinced it landed on the food or it came with the hug.  When I arrived home I started to feel the achy symptoms of influenza, which include the sore throat.  Needless to say, I was quite upset.

For the first couple days, I was able to keep it at bay with Advil Cold and Sinus.  When Tuesday hit, I was just sick and I couldn't shake it.  Now if it was Winter break and I was off from school, I wouldn't bother going to the doctor, because I like to fight it off on my own.  Unfortunately, I just couldn't do it without getting antibiotics.  I've lost my voice for the most part, and I'm still coughing a bit, but the sneezing and runny nose has stopped.  That is the worst!  I can take the aching, the fever, and everything else, but that is just gross.  Now that everything has mostly settled down with most of the symptoms, I just have to get rid of the cough and laryngitis.  I had to cancel my radio show on Wednesday, because I couldn't speak at all.  I couldn't go to some of my classes, because I was just too sick!  I had to miss three classes, because of this shit.  This was all due to someone being reckless with their germs.  You don't throw a party when you have the seasonal flu!  It's not reasonable and it's not courteous.  It's a pain in the ass for me, because there is only a limited amount of medications that I can take to help me when I get the flu.  Obviously the two people who gave me this disease are complete morons.

Scale Away

I have decided, over the course of my life, that there is no way that you can quantify your health.  You can measure certain things like blood pressure, heart rate, and even your brain waves, but there isn't any way to measure how we truly feel.  The only way that we can actually find that out is through our own personal measurements of wellness.  There is only one question that will give any shred of an answer.  How do you define wellness?  Everyone's definition of wellness is different, just like someone's sense of style.  We create our wellness from the choices of foods that eat to the amount of exercise that we ascribe to on a daily basis.  We are constantly a slave to our social pressures, because of television, celebrities, fashion magazines, models, department stores, tabloids, and even the people that we encounter every day.  The most common picture of wellness comes in the form of crash dieting or serial dieting.  This can come from the influence of your peers or by the over-glamorization of certain fad diets that consistently convince women that they can lose weight by using their unhealthy systems and products.  We stand on a scale every morning and sigh, because we are never thin enough.  

In reality, we are able to measure our own sense of wellness without the influence of others or the media.  We can find a way to feel a sense of energy and self-esteem if we realize that we don't have to stress over food or numbers on a scale.  When you just walk that extra flight of stairs or stop drinking carbonated beverages, you feel a sense of accomplishment.  After a while, you forget that you are actually doing that and it becomes a way of life.  You aren't weighing yourself, but you are getting rid of something that will weigh you down.  This doesn't mean that you won't slip, but it does mean that you are trying.  Another thing that some people have to leave behind them is envy, because some people are naturally thin and others are just naturally curvy.  I am naturally curvy and I know that I will never be a size four.  As long as I am healthy and making reasonable goals, I don't feel really bad about that.  Regardless of our body type, we can use our overall energy level to gauge our wellness.   When you put aside your scale, you are setting aside a stressor.  The scale often leads to obsessing about every pound.  If you just respect your body, then your wellness factor will cooperate.  I stopped weighing myself for about six months, then realized my weight from my doctor.  Made me smile to say the least.  I still don't weigh myself, because I consider that my body is at the right weight for the moment. 

When you evaluate your wellness level from a logical standpoint, you are looking at your overall fitness.  Are you well nourished and fit without feeling easily fatigued or suffering other existing health problems due to lack of fitness?  Having that bloated or overweight feeling raises concerns, but it something that you can correct.  You always have the chance to make things right.  You can bring your own sense of wellness.  I'm not thin right now, but I am definitely working on that.  I want to feel more energetic and live longer.  This is definitely prompted by the health problems that my mother suffered with when she was alive.  Right now, I am trying to make walking a source of happiness.  I want my knees and muscles to gain strength and mobility for my own well-being.  Plus the walking and the exercise produces endorphins that make me feel very peaceful and happy.  I highly recommend that for anyone who feels depressed.  Eating whole foods is another way to attain wellness.  There are always substitutions for the heavy things you've been eating without sacrificing flavor.  I've become addicted to fruit and raw veggies, plus I've cut down on my dairy a great deal.  Fiber is the most important thing though, because it keeps the body moving.  Read your labels too, because you will be surprised what some companies call food, when it really isn't!

Even though weighing yourself is technically informative, it really can inhibit you from making your short term goals.  If you aren't happy the entire time that you are trying to better yourself, how can you build yourself esteem and really make for total wellness?  Your body knows its health more than the numbers on the scale.  If you communicate with your body and listen to the signs, your image of wellness will be tailored to your needs.  Your life is more important than stressing over numbers, because you need to enjoy life.  When you feel physical wellness, then your self-esteem will enter a state of positivity.  You will be able to focus on your life, rather than counting calories.  Eating healthy should just be a natural progression and exercise shouldn't be a chore.  Sometimes the latter is harder than the former.  I should work on that a bit more.  Working on the natural traits of health aren't easy, but they are totally worth it.  Having someone who helps you along the way is great too!  Moral support is the great comfort when you are moving into a healthy lifestyle.  Change is hard and having someone who has either been through it already or just wants to help you through your journey is the best thing going for you.  Aldous Huxley said, "There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self."  Throw away your scale and change yourself without the restraint of numbers.

The Terror of Exams

What are the symptoms of test anxiety and how do we combat them?  Most people say that they arise from poor organizational skills and time management, but can they be from simple fear?  This type of fear is something that comes for students no matter how much they prepare.  Anxiety carries an adrenaline that is a normal part of the human condition.  This feeling can come forth as butterflies in the stomach or a jittery feeling just before a presentation or an oral report, not just for exams alone.  This can definitely impair the work of the student during these points in the semester, but there are ways to combat this problem.  We've all hit that point in time where we have dealt with worries.  We first have to focus on the catalyst of why we think that bad things might happen.  We then have to realize that this is a self-manufactured issue that you have structured for yourself.  Once you realize that this state is completely unnecessary, you can take the time to focus on the task at hand.  Feeling like we are not in control is a stumbling block that every student manifests and if you have the right tools, you can combat that problem.  If we shift our focus on good expectations, this also helps on our perspective on exams.

Here are some symptoms of test anxiety:

• shaking
• sweating
• racing heartbeat
• nausea
• feeling of being faint

Time management is the most important part of preparing for a test.  If you have a very important exam coming up, the worst thing you can do is plan a night of partying the night before.  An adequate amount of sleep and diligent studying are a must.  Don't keep repeating negative self-talk such as, "I'm going to fail or I'm dumb or I'm just not cut out for college."  That type of thought process does more to inhibit your work than anything else.  Some people, and I know that I have done this with poor with results, cram for tests and exams.  This is a mistake that I used to make often in high school and let me tell you that it never works.  It only makes you more tense and forgetful of the material.  Don't listen to other people before you take the exam, because their fears can definitely rub off on you.  This factor is surprisingly true.  I've also found another great trick is never getting caught on one question.  If you are stumped by one test question, skip it, and move on to the ones you know.  You can always go back to the questions that give you trouble and put more thought into them.  It gets you through the exam faster and you won't feel so pressed for time.  The day of the test is always the most dreadful, but if you take a deep breath and realize that this isn't worst day ever, you will be able to get through it.   Eating a good breakfast, being on time for the exam, taking your time with the questions, and reviewing the material on the test will help you finish the exam efficiently and without fear.

Can We Trust?

When it comes to trust, there has to be a depth that is required.  Things may turn out differently than you want them to, but sometimes you have to take a chance.  That leap of faith is required in order to author some kind of change in your life.  Our lives will unravel in the pattern that it's meant to if we only give it a guiding hand.  I know that I have a great deal of trust issues, and most of those are created by people.  Many people find that being scorned or having something tragic happen to you can damage the feelings of trust.  But at a point in our lives, we need to release and educate ourselves into letting ourselves feel that emotional trust again.  Much of the trust issue is controlling your life, and it's definitely part of a self-preservation tactic.  If something very tragic occurs or something deceitful occurs, often times we fall into an issue with trust.  Fear of becoming a doormat for someone's manipulation or something of that nature can trigger you to step down from life.  We become withdrawn and it can affect our friendships and familial relationships.  Even romantic relationships can suffer from this type of emotional trauma, especially if the trust issue stems from rape, cheating, etc.  It's those types of malicious events that can scar us or put an indelible mark on our psyche that can be hard to soften or remove.  It makes life feel insurmountable and it dashes many hopes for normal friendships or relationships.  How can you be happy, when you are always looking over your shoulder? 

When we create an environment that shelters us away from the world, we lose a part of ourselves by locking away the most integral benefit of humanity.  That benefit is community!  We need a communal society in order to survive and live in the world.  We need to exert a certain amount of trust in order to move out in the world and grow through our civilization.  Sounds like life on a grand scale, but in a sense it is.  We need that support in order to provide sustainability and ways to coexist.  Trusting is only part of the coin, because we need to be responsible for the things that we create in our lifetime.  This is especially true for the things that we have first hand control over.  We have control over the way that we treat others.  We have control over our actions.  We need to establish trust so that people can feel comfortable with making sturdy life decisions.  Unfortunately life doesn't really work perfectly and the whole "we" aspect doesn't ever happen that way.  One person may do something right and another may do something completely malicious and awful to someone or something in order to prove some kind of ridiculous point or maybe no point at all.  Many people are loners and feel that they can only sojourn through life on their own.  I've felt that way from time to time.  Sometimes I still feel that way, because I don't feel that I can give all of myself away emotionally.  Who can I really trust with the real me?

I often think that our lives are built under this parylyzation of fear.  Fear of being hurt, fear of losing everything, fear of dying, fear of heartbreak, and fear of losing everyone you love.  Because of mistrust, it's hard to shake a distinct sense of uncertainty.  We lock away our dreams and goals, because we are afraid of being stepped upon.  It's ends up being the cycle of cowering to your self-protective instincts.  Why can't we take a leap of faith?  Is there something in our makeup that keeps us from being happy?  Not every person is totally bad, but you can only find that out by trying.  It may be very difficult to give that effort, but maybe the reward will make the whole ordeal worthwhile.  Surrendering and embracing the unknown is something that can scare even the most confident individual, no matter how fearless they paint themselves to be.  I think that the way they look so confident is by convincing themselves undoubtedly that they will win, no matter how the circumstances may turn.  You just have to remember that a good friendship is more likely than a bad one and a bad situation is less likely than a good one!  It's a good mantra that I've been trying these days.  There is nothing wrong with being courageous, especially when it comes with meeting new people.  You are expanding your knowledge of trust and expanding your emotional territory.

Who's Going to Remember You?

I was in health class the other day and something startled me more than anything in a long time.  My professor said to me and the rest of the class," Enjoy yourself now because, in fifty years, no one will remember you."  That really frightened me!  Now some of you that read this may be young enough to blow that off but, now that I am close to forty, I am nervous about this.  This especially grabs me after me after losing my mother this year.  Of course, I was met with the words, "You know your mother is watching over you and is proud that you are a good student."  I thought to myself, "How the fuck do you know?"  Pardon my language!  Still, even though I was perturbed by that statement, I was unnerved by the fact that I might not have a legacy to leave behind.  Should I have done more to prove myself worthy to my peers?  Is being a hard worker enough?  It kind of seems sad that the only people who are valued or remembered are those who have faltered dramatically or have achieved beyond most people's reaches.  Some of this has to do with money, of course, and some has to do with criminal actions.  Why can't we be remembered for writing a wonderful paper on the perils of global warming on contemporary American society?  Is it because we are just the lay individual in a community college?  Certainly!  No credible source wants to hear from someone in a community college anthropology class. 

Every day, I sit in classrooms with students who are half my age and I am glad that I am smart enough to join them.  I enjoy their stories of partying and living their youthful lives and still being able to pass tests with a B average and above.  These types of stories give me encouragement.  If they can do something like that then certainly someone, at my age, can prove myself worthy of a 3.5 or higher.  These grades may not prove me remembered in life, but it will surely make me happy for the short time I enjoy here on earth.  I'll never pretend to be religious, because I'm not.  I believe in scientific fact in the Richard Dawkins perspective.  Many people will surely hate me for that kind of belief, but it doesn't mean that I am a bad person or that I disrespect others for their beliefs.  I simply live by the beat of my own drummer.  There is a reason that I have turned to this type of belief system, and it's not just because of intellectual reasons.  My mother was this spiritualist and she believed that she could "talk to dead people" through mediums and psychics.  This was laced with Christian philosophy and other nonsense for which she pushed on me throughout my whole childhood.  I didn't realize that it was a hoax until I was an adult and I reached the age of reason.  I was hurt so deeply that I thought that I never would recover, but I forgave her for it.  I realize that she truly believed it was all real.  I left her with that, and she died believing that was the way the world worked. 

I don't want to leave you thinking that I hate everyone else's beliefs, because that is simply not true.  Everyone has the right to feel the way they want about life.  You deserve to be free and exercise that.  I think that there is a limit to everything.  There is a rule of thumb in this world called everything in moderation.  It keeps everyone from going overboard on one particular philosophy or medium.  When you become seperatist, or you've taken yourself away from reality, you've gone too far.  That goes for anything, and that includes religion, substance abuse, racism, politics, etc.  Life is a series of bits and pieces that we mean to sample.  Not everything is meant to be taken completely seriously.  If you sample everything, then you have something to write about.  That's what I do anyway.  I may never get any money for it and I will never be remembered for it, but I thoroughly enjoy it.  I worry if this legacy will ever carry on.  How many people will need to share their passwords in their wills?  Now that is completely frightening!  Speaking of that, my father hasn't taken my mother's Facebook down.  Now I have protested over and over about this.  It makes me sad every time I see her name come up, but he won't take it down.  Is this the digital legacy that we'll have?  This is pathetic!  No one will remember us physically, but we'll have a cyber file to last us for how long?  All I know is that I don't have children, but I want to have the most fun that I can before I go.  I'm not sure that I care if people remember me.  If they do, maybe they'll read this nonesense.  Wouldn't that be a kick in the head?!

When Do We Find Happiness?

How do you know when it's time to be happy?  You can go through the rigors that the day puts forth, with all it's bumps and obstacles, and get completely caught up and consumed.  You forget to make some time for yourself.  I think the reason that we put limitations or prerequisites on that emotion.  It becomes something that we put on a calendar or on a memo in your BlackBerry.  It seems that we have so many worries, that we have no time for those thoughts.  We even forget what it feels like to smile.  Some psychiatrist's say that we become victims of negative self-talk that keeps us from finding joy.  For long stretches, it happens to me.  This Summer was the longest stretch I've gone without feeling truly happy.  Only recently has that started to filter back, but it's been gradual.  They say that joy shouldn't be left to those with perfect lives or fluid time schedules. 

I think that it's terribly hard to find happiness when you are going through horrible struggles, but I'm still learning how to find the joy in the transitory.  I'm beginning to think that seperating yourself from things and indulging in something simple, but good realy really helps.  When I was dealing with my Mom's death, and my family was making me crazy, I stayed home one night, read one of my favorite books, and I had a cold glass of iced tea.  After that I slept for the first time in days!  I felt renewed!  For that evening, I was alone and happy.  For that evening, I was able to nurture a happy feeling that comforted me more at my worst.  It was still tough for me afterward, but that method of finding a simple pleasure is helpful.

Happiness doesn't come naturally for everyone.  For some people, fallen expectations are usually met by sadness, discouragement, etc.  I've read, in many self help books, that you can choose to be happy.  I'm guessing that you can create happiness, by doing something that makes you happy.  Even if something bad happens, just take some time for yourself.  Remember that the sun comes up the next day, even if it's behind the clouds.  I know that sounds stupid, but it gives me hope.  Buddhists say that you have to find peace with losing everything, because eventually it happens to us all.  We have to enjoy what we have, but realize the impermanence.  If we keep that in mind, things really don't hurt so bad and happiness can be found.  I don't know how much of that it is true, but it sounds like something to keep in mind.

Legitimacy and Strength in Leadership: A Ruler's Fitness for the Crown

(This essay discusses aspects of characters within the Shakespeare play The Life and Death of King John)

The topics of legitimacy and strength are important to the characters King John and Arthur with the context of Shakespeare's The Life and Death of King John.  Both of these attributes are challenging for these characters.  These characteristics are considered relative to stability and are very desirable within a monarch.  A monarch would need to be unwavering when it came to decision making and old enough to run a country without regency.  The topic of legitimacy would secure the popularity of the monarch with the common people, but it would be shaken if the prospect of war were to erupt.  King John, who was of questionable legitimacy to the throne, was old enough, but not necessarily wise enough to rule England.  John was appointed to the throne by his late brother Richard the Lionhearted.  "To this fair island and the territories, To Ireland, Poitiers, Anjou, Touraine, Maine, Desiring thee to lay aside the sword, Which sways usurping these several titles, And put the same into young Arthur's hand, Thy nephew and right royal sovereign."  (Shakespeare) Because Constance, King Philip of France, and others felt that John usurped the throne from Arthur, it caused a rift for his character within the play.  This kind of scandal cuts down his desirability within his own country and and within the French borders.  Even the French questioned the loyalty of their sovereigns during the conflicts.

Aspects with John that lessened his desirability were his greediness and his all consuming obsession with keeping the crown.  John's armies robbed the monasteries for profit and were willing to go to war with France just to keep his title.  John was ready to marry off his niece, Blanche,  to King Philip's son, Lewis, in order to settle any plans to pursuing Arthur as King of England, thus removing any threat.  Arthur, who was directed by King Philip and his controlling, guilt dealing mother Constance, didn't really have a voice of his own to begin with.  "Good my mother peace!  I would that I were low laid in my grave.  I am not worth this coil that is made for me." (Shakespeare)  Constance seemed to want the throne for Arthur and he really didn't exhibit any drive to be king.  Arthur, the son of the King's late elder brother, is portrayed as a fragile, delicate and naive child who wouldn't have the competence to rule at his tender age.  John also seemed to have a strong mother figure who influenced many of the important decisions that he made throughout the play.  Eleanor, his mother, was a guiding hand at many moments where he was mostly indecisive on his own.  That reduces that viability of a true monarch.  That two characters seemed to have no mind of their own in certain matters or were lead by their emotions rather than strength and intelligent leadership skills.

Arthur, because he is so sheltered by his mother, has no basis for true decision making as a ruler.  he was basically led around by King Philip and Constance, without any concrete example, as they bartered and threatened in order to champion his ascension as King of England.  "Now, citizens of Angiers, ope your gates, Let in that amity which you made, For at Saint Mary's chapel presently The rites of marriage shall be solemnized..." (Shakespeare)  Even Philip shows sings of indecision, which isn't a monarch's strong suit.  When Philip first shows signs of peace through the marriage of his son to John's niece, it seemed that Arthur's chances were dashed.  It seemed that all the threats of war and discord for Arthur's cause were thrown aside as if they weren't a priority anymore.  Both John and Philip were ready to disregard everything for the opportunity of moving into Angiers.  They were even willing to patronize Constance and Arthur with lesser titles.  But with the threat of religious turmoil at Pandulf's hand, Philip quickly turns his mind back to its original direction.  The fickle nature that Philip exhibits was a classic example of undesirability in a monarch, because his lack steadfast decision making.  John was so threatened by Arthur, that he put forth an order of execution to be done by Hubert, which pits his own nobleman against him.  John's weakness were his rash decisions and his inane fears of being deposed as sovereign of his country.

Eventually, after the failed execution of Arthur, John's misdeeds against the monasteries are the ones that kill him.  A monk from one of the monasteries poisons him fatally and he ends up dying.  Arthur, who was slated to die by execution, makes a fatal attempt to escape by jumping to his death over the castle wall.  Both nobles, regardless of their ages, made fatal mistakes that ultimately cost both of their lives.  "The wall is high, and yet I will leap down.  Good ground, be pitiful and hurt me not! ....As good to die and go, as die and stay." (Shakespeare)  Because of Arthur's immaturity and blind hopefulness, he ultimately makes the leap and ends his part in the play.  The frailty in his character and in John's lead to a series of factors would make both of them unfit to rule.  They didn't have the strength, the examples, or the organization to take control of a country.  Their actions put themselves at risk, and even put their countries in jeopardy.

DJ'ing!

As of right now, I have fallen in love with my work on the radio.  Today I had another fantastic day!  I stayed an extra forty-five minutes past my slot, which was fun.  Maybe this is my calling and I should pursue this.  There have been things that were unclear to me when it came to my major at school, but this seems very natural for me.  There was a mix of my favorites and I was able to play some stuff that I thought would appeal to some people I knew.  Hopefully there will be more listeners as time goes on.  There will always be a mix, but I want to take requests the day before.  This way I won't alienate my listeners with stuff that they don't want to hear.  This sounds boring, but I've been thinking about this now for a while.  I'm even doing a television interview about this!  Can you believe it?  Well, I'm going to be broadcasting from 10:30 AM until 1PM this Saturday.  I want to put up a link for requests on my Facebook.  It's going to be fun!

Duo: An Evening with Richard Marx & Matt Scannell

At the Bergen Performing Arts Center in Englewood, New Jersey, I was fortunate enough to have a front row seat to see a show called Duo: An Acoustic Evening with Richard Marx and Matt Scannell.  Richard Marx, who is a veteran in the music industry, joins up with best friend and Vertical Horizon front-man Matt Scannell taking turns to share their most popular songs, such as Right Here Waiting, Hazard, You're A God, and Everything You Want, along with stories and witty repartee.  During the bulk of their set, Marx and Scannell included the Grammy winning Midwestern classical group, The Pacifica Quartet to accompany them.  These four artists hail from Marx's home state of Illinois and played with Marx and Scannell for the first time at this concert.  According to Marx, there will be other dates that will include these players.  Marx, who is a Chicago native, was never secretive about the end of his pop career, but candidly shares his fervent love for songwriting and producing.  This part of his career, something that has kept him in the game, was how he made his start in the music business.  Recently, he's written for such artists as Keith Urban, Daughtry, and Lifehouse.  After all of these years, Marx still performs on his A game and he still knows how to win over his audience.  Marx's voice has that mixture of rough and tenderness that easily graces through every song he performs.  During the show, Marx talked about working with the pop, boy band 'NSync and how proud he is of Justin Timberlake's successes.  He and Scannell then performed, "This I Promise You," a song written by Marx that became a huge hit for the boy band. 

A charming Matt Scannell discussed his work with other artists as he was about to perform the song "Best I Ever Had," which was a hit both for his band Vertical Horizon and for country singer Gary Allan.  He talked about his beginnings in music, the evolution in his work, and his enjoyment of the songwriting craft.  From seeing a Vertical Horizon concert in the past and hearing songs in this format, I can understand the talent and enthusiasm that Scannell puts into his job.  He is an absolutely amazing performer!  Some of the most memorable highlights of this intimate concert were Marx's performance of the song "Through My Veins," a touching tribute to his late father and Scannell's performance of the love song "Here" from his band Vertical Horizon's latest album Burning the Days.  Throughout the show, you can tell both Scannell and Marx are best friends and they even admit that doing the shows is just a reason to hang out together.  They bring that wonderful, friendly atmosphere to the stage and the crowd definitely adored every minute of it!  Look for a concert date nearest you, because these performances should not be missed.  For more information and concert dates, click on www.richardmarx.com or www.verticalhorizon.com.  For more information on the Pacifica Quartet, click on www.pacificaquartet.com.