Waves of Generosity: The Spirit of the Potlatch

I can remember reading and learning about the interesting topic of the Native American Potlatch.  This Native American ceremonial tradition celebrates the highest form of genuine and true generosity.  This indigenous holiday is celebrated by the Northwest Coast tribes.  The name Potlatch itself is a Chinook term defined as "giving away" or "to give a gift".  Through historical times, it has been banned federally by the United States and Canada.  I was very interested in the topic of Potlatch through an anthropology standpoint, because it seemed to be one of the most unselfish holidays I had come across.  It's meaning wasn't commercialized or bastardized by anything corporate.  It was completely unblemished and unspoiled, aside from governmental intervention.  This ceremony is all about redistribution and the sharing of the family prosperity.  They give away to each other unselfishly without the hope of any return.  Nobody expects anything or even asks for anything.  Back when it started it was mostly the sharing of textiles, foods and related goods, but it evolved as European influences chartered the country.  This tradition empowers a communal spirit and spreads the wealth and joy within the tribal unit.  This goes against the glamorized television fueled holidays we celebrate in America, Europe, and Canada. 

The Potlatch is very different, because it's an amalgamation of rites of passage.  The tradition honors funerals, weddings, birthdays, births, namings, and the honoring of the already deceased.  The festivals have music, dancing, and feasting that usually occurs during the Winter months.  Canada and the United States saw this as a "useless custom" and banned this tradition until it was made legal again in 1951.  The Potlatch tradition has a very rich tradition from it's early indigenous roots.  This ritual created a harmony between tribes and probably originated from one of more of those rites and eventually grew as time progressed.  The gifts and goods were usually gathered over the course of a year and enough food was accrued to feed every expected guest that would attend the ceremonial festival.  The chief was usually the one who was the impetus of the whole celebration.  All of the presents would carry the family symbol and the whole family group would be involved in the process.  Representatives of the chief would extend the invitations to all of the guests and, along with family and hosts, would be dressed elaborately in fine costumes and headdresses.  There are speakers who discuss family history and folklore, dancers, and other performers.  All of this was done with lavish preparation.

What interests me most about the Potlatch ceremony is the genuine gift of sharing.  This is something, I believe, that we can all learn from.  When we are grasped in a network of trust, we can give unselfishly.  You realize that when the time comes, you will have that support.  When we discover this, we then become less self-centered and individualistic.  This is when you find a sense of community, or a sense of group.  Maybe in our own life, we can create a type of Potlatch.  You can find time to have a group of friends over or your family, and just have dinner with them and give them something they really need.  Something as simple as sharing a meal and giving of yourself is a great way of living unselfishly.  Sharing and giving of yourself is the validation of generosity which creates a network of support when times are tougher.  This definitely seems like a more desirable choice than isolating yourself, accumulating your resources, and not helping those you love.  If we have an abundance, what would be the point of wasting it?  Sharing wealth or prosperity unselfishly is something the indigenous culture exacted correctly.  I think we should learn, as a western culture, to follow that model.  Christmas or something remotely close doesn't really have it right, because we bankrupt ourselves to buy useless possessions.  Really people should think without the use of commercials and see what people really need.  Use the spirit of the Potlatch, not the spirit of Coca Cola. 

Should I Spoil Myself?

I have an everyday religion that works for me.  Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.  ~Lucille Ball.

I've been thinking this over and I've come to the decision that I have been treating myself very cheaply in the self-care department.  When I talk about self-care, I'm talking in the emotional sense.  I feel as if I'm sinking on a ship and letting everyone else on the lifeboat except me.  This is the most accurate metaphor that I can come up with right now.  In a sense, if you can't take care of yourself emotionally, how can you take care of anyone else?  I'm beginning to think that I have hit that wall.  I really believe that maybe this is my wake-up call or maybe a mild epiphany, so to speak.  The sad thing is that it takes feeling really sick to see that you are pushing yourself too far.  That's when you feel like you're sinking.  I've definitely hit that example right on the head.  I've been told over and over again, that spoiling or indulging yourself once in a while isn't selfish.  I'm beginning to see the merit in that theory.  Maybe I need to just go for a facial or a massage on the spur of the moment or maybe I should have that vanilla ice cream sundae.  You're essentially not only doing this relaxation to help yourself, but to better the way you encounter, socialize, and deal with other people on an emotional level.  

Sometimes, when you put yourself at the top of your list, it's prudent to tell other people no.  If you tell them no, then you can follow along with your agenda without worry.  Removing the habit of putting others before yourself is the toughest part.  The metaphor of the sinking ship and lifeboat comes into play again.  Think that, by getting on that lifeboat first, you are caring about your well-being.  I've tried to remove myself from the situation that triggers me and just breathe.  Nothing will collapse if one chore isn't completed or one person isn't completely happy with you.  Unfortunately, it's very hard to learn that rule.  If you are a sensitive person, it's twice as difficult.  I've been told that I should try meditation.  So today I have decided, while I write this, that I would light a lovely, lavender-scented candle from L'Occitane.  I'm not really proficient in the meditation department.  I'm not sure if I suffer with Attention Deficit Disorder and I was never diagnosed, but it doesn't happen.  I can't be hypnotized either, and I have tried that more than once.  I just have to remember to make this effort to pamper myself, so that way I can deal with the world in a fresh and healthy perspective.  Wish me luck in that department, because I need it.

A Journal Entry

I had a friend call me the other night and I was discussing my recent situation.  If you haven't been reading my blogs or any of my statuses here on Facebook or Twitter, I've been having this weird offbeat illness.  I learned, after two Emergency Room visits, that it wasn't anything bodily wrong with me.  I was actually having anxiety attacks due to GAD or Generalized Anxiety Disorder.   Now I have had anxiety in the past and this didn't seem like the same thing.  I digress to my friend's phone call.  He mentioned something to me that made some sense to me.  He told me that I wasn't being myself.  I wasn't being my sarcastic, offbeat, and sometimes off-color self.  I was muffled by everything that has gone within the last two months, and it's been attacking my limbic system and making feel like I have been run over by a Mack Truck driving at top speed.  I have been dealing with the difficulties surrounding me, and leaving out the simple pleasures in my life.  Pleasures like going out for beers and cheeseburgers or laughing hysterically at cheap horror movies.  I know that may sound awful, but that makes me chuckle.  Today for the first time, I just turned on some Bollywood music and danced around my kitchen with a broom sweeping the floors.  I miss just being in school, researching and being a student.  I can't wait until my academic life returns again.  I can't tell you how much I miss it.  That's another part of myself that has been stricken from me and I need it back.  I can't wait until September.  I'm more excited than words can express!  I just want to settle into that groove again and be around people I've never met before.  I need that change of venue.

Today I haven't had much pain or sweating.  It's been just me today, which probably has a great deal to do with it.  I got up this morning and had to deal with a shitload of garbage and I was hurting big time.  Once that garbage left and went away, I was able to feel peaceful and without pain.  When the stressors die down, I lose the chest pain, the headaches, the sweating, the shaking, the palpitations, the pains in my arms and legs, and the hot flashes.  There is definitely something to that.  I had someone else call me earlier today about a problem the person was having with a friend.  It was something that I was asked to help this person with, and I could feel these symptoms flare up.  I have to say that I am really tired of dealing with that situation, so I really feel very stressed over it.  There isn't anything that I can do to help this person, yet I continually get dragged into that mess.  Of course this mess is of a close nature, which adds to the pressure.  I want to just avoid these types of situations at all costs.  There was an explanation that I presented to this person about the symptoms that I was suffering with on Sunday, and that the following Monday I went back to the Emergency Room.  I told this person that stressful situations were a key factor in my problem.  Hopefully that will have made some sort of an impact on this individual.  I've had to tell people close to me that my health is impaired from the pressure I'm going through, but they don't seem to hear me.  My husband's mother understands me and she is probably one of the only people, aside from my husband, who can.

In the moving on department, I finally got added as a friend on Facebook by the Iron Sheik today.  For those who are confused as to who this person is:  The Iron Sheik is a wrestler from the early eighties.  I have to thank Dave for that.  I've been waiting for the better part of six months or more for that to happen.  That was so cool.  Plus I have to thank both Dave and Denise for giving me Netflix, because I've been having a blast watching movies.  I've been reading a ton of old books.  I decided to get back into an old read with Amy Tan's The Joy Luck Club.  I think I've enjoyed it more than the first time I read it.  I truly believe that you miss the subtle nuances of a book when you only read it once.  I have decided to finally sit back and watch all of the seasons of Dexter.  I've heard so many good things about that show, but have never watched it.  I figure it will be something to watch after True Blood ends.  I'm very anxious for October to come, because my husband and I are meeting up with some folks to see the Duo (Richard Marx and Matt Scannell) show.  I'm so excited, because I will finally get the chance to meet my friends Janine, Mary, and Greta.  Plus I will get to see my friends, Mary, Helen, and Nicki, whom I haven't seen a long time.  I really need something like that to look forward to.  I didn't really get to the beach as much as I really intended.  Things kind of compromised that situation.  I want to do that before everything gets in the way, but I don't think it will.  There will always be next year.  Championing my weight loss continues and I continue not to weigh myself.  I just keep eating right and staying active.  I really don't want to know how I'm doing right now.  There will be a time where I will have to go to the physician's office and I will be weighed then.  For now, I am content to just meander along my merry way.  Things will go as they should in that department.  I go for my stress test on September 2nd.  My health is great aside from my crazy environment making me feel like crap.  Hopefully that's all for now.

Anxious Body (A Mobile Blog)

Well, last night was quite interesting! I dealt with a different kind of illness. Over the last two months, my body has been feeling different kinds of pain such as nausea, chest pain, headaches, body pains, fatigue, and general malaise. I went to the doctor, who ran tests on me, which proved nothing. Last night I felt so horrible after having seizures that I went to the emergency room. They ran tests on me there, which proved nothing. The doctor then said the unthinkable, "Mrs. Frame-Leitch, you are having panic attacks. I think we should try a tranquilizer. How about Ativan?". I was stunned. I didn't think this was a panic attack, because I generally felt ill. In my life, there have been bouts of panic disorder, but usually I could recognize them for what they were. This didn't ring that same bell. He asked me, "What changed over the last two months?" So I explained everything and how I felt. I told him that it was hard to deal with familial issues, but I couldn't really stop my life to let myself wallow in that discomfort. When I explained everything in detail, he then said, "Whatever your not expressing emotionally, your body is dealing with physically." I found it hard to believe that was the real crux of the situation, but I humored him, filled the prescription, took the pill, and slid into bed. Turns out that day is a better day, but I'm sad that I let everything get so far out of whack. I told the doctor that I only cried twice for Mom. I'm so upset about so many things that sometimes I don't know how to deal with it all at once. How does anyone expect me to feel? That's why I just push. If I push, and keep the momentum going, I won't have anything to dwell on. My body won't let me have even that much peace in my life. My husband is my rock, the one anchor in my life even when I feel adrift. Thank goodness he was with me when this was occurring.  It's so tough for me to accept!  Right now I'm just fighting back my tears, because I can't sob anymore. It hurts too much. It hurts my epilepsy too much and I don't want to be this person. This person who hangs on to something so horrible, so cancerous that it will eat away at my happiness. I'm better than that and I want to move on. I don't want to have to take a benzodiazapene to find relief. I'm not going to use a crutch like that. I'm sorry that I sound angry, but for years I have dealt with garbage like this and now I find myself embarrassed of my own weakness again. I guess I just have one more thing to kick so that I can roll down the rest of this bumpy road.
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Posted via email from Summer Writing

Fostering Memories

Today I'm feeling some of those nostalgic moments.  I'm enjoying a David Foster moment.  Most of you probably don't know who he is.  I've loved his music for years.  Maybe longer than my love of Richard Marx, if that's possible.  Of course, these songs probably only resonate with me or those of similar tastes.  I've listened to this music as a kid, and it was probably the one thing in my life that I will always remember enjoying as a guilty pleasure.  As a kid, I used to call it my guilty VH-1.  It's still something that makes me smile no matter how sad or depressing my day has been.  Richard Marx's music is the same way.  I still love it after all of these years.  I was so glad to hear the re-recording of Best of Me by Richard Marx.  This track was written by David Foster, Jeremy Lubbock, and Richard Marx.  I have been waiting for Richard to record it for what seemed like forever.  This year my wish came true.  You can hear the version on the fourth youtube clip.  Hopefully one day Richard will record Crazy, but that's a long shot.  Supposedly Richard is doing the David Foster and Friends gig for PBS, which is really exciting.  Two of my favorites!  I'm actually going to see Richard Marx and Matt Scannell for their Duo concert in Englewood this Autumn.  I really enjoy these shows.  I've seen these shows a number of times but, they are so fantastic, you have to see them more than once.  Plus I always get to see old friends and new friends every time I go to the shows.  I'm really looking forward to it.  Like I said, this music always makes me smile.

Here are some of my favorites:



David Foster and Olivia Newton-John - Best of Me




David Foster - Katie's Theme (From the Motion Picture "Stealing Home")




David Foster - Water Fountain




Richard Marx - Best of Me  (Written by David Foster, Richard Marx, and Jeremy Lubbock)

School Rant

This is going to read more like a journal entry today, because I've decided to climb on my soapbox and scream.  I've been dealing with my college financial aid office at my local college for the last two months trying to get everything together so that I can attend classes.  I have filled out form after form after form to complete this process.  I call to make sure that things are in the process of getting finished and I keep getting the run around from this department, and my process keeps getting detained.  Meanwhile, I have to pay out of pocket for my education until the financial aid kicks in.  This is a kick in the pants, because it's more expensive than you could ever realize.  Now I will say this, and I don't be offended when I do but, "The Government financial aid process is run by a bunch of fucking tools who like to dick over every student who wants to get a decent education in order to find a decent career!"  Now I believe in being patient and I walk in to this office and use a courteous decorum every time I deal with these mother fucking pricks, but they have a smug, I don't care how you feel, attitude.  How does that make any sense?  Now I know you're probably thinking, "Wow, what kind of mouth does she have?"  You have to realize what I have deal with on a day to day basis, before you go there.  I'm usually not as bad as you might think.  It takes a great deal to provoke me.  This was the thumbtack under my foot that caused my rage.  Of course, the rage only makes it here onto this page.  I'm not going to give up, mind you.  I refuse to let something like this be my setback from learning.  There are too many other things in my life that have gone wrong, and I won't let this be another one lost.  I'm only 13 credits away until I get to my next degree program at Kean University, and I refuse to let anyone or anything stand in my way!  I'm sure that this whole rant is chock full of grammar mistakes but, at this point, I don't care!  Have a good weekend.   

Interpersonality

Over the years I have struggled to find out why we find friendships.  When I was young, I had a tough time sorting that out.  I wasn't your normal girlie girl with a clique filled with different girlfriends that I could bounce my deepest darkest secrets off of.  I had some that stood that ground, but I had many men in my life who stood as my best friends.  I truly wondered why that came about.  First and foremost, I thought it was a comfortableness factor.  Men didn't carry the competitive nature that women did when it came to certain issues.  Men find that with others in their group and call it "cock-blocking."  So without that competitiveness, you can find some order of trust.  This can depend on the type of guy, and the mentality of the situation.  Some men find it impossible to befriend a woman without the romantic relationship factor intertwining.  If the guy is involved in his own relationship, that can also put a damper on a friendship.  I've also seen women who don't let their husbands hang out with their own male friends, which perplexes me somewhat in ways, but then in ways it doesn't.  Being that I am married myself, I don't see why I would put up walls for my husband.  I trust him and I would hope that he exercises that same trust in me.

Over my life, I have struggled with the phrase "best friend."  I wasn't trying to deliberately keep myself from having any close interpersonal relationships.  I have had some close friends over the years.  The problem that I have found with the word is that it seems to classify one person.  Can you have more than one best friend?  What makes someone a best friend?  Is there some rite of passage that a person must go through to prove to another that they are indeed a best friend?  I have close friends.  Those friends, or close friends, are those I care about very much.  I always see terms like BFF, and best friend, as a title reserved for one single person. Another reason that I struggle with the term "best friend" comes from placing my trust in one person.  This person, this so called "best friend," took full advantage of me.  This happened to me a while back, but the learning curve never left.  I decided, from then on, I would have close friends.  This plural term and my life were delegated at my discretion rather than given freely.  This may sound selfish, but it's the way I find self-preservation.  Those who know me in some capacity realize that I'm not the most social creature in the world.  I should change that one day I guess.

Close friends are the one social gift that, as humans, we can give ourselves.  Friendships are a mix of common ground and diversity and they give us the unique chance to find ourselves and help us evolve as human beings.  We are attracted to those qualities we find familiar and comforting.  These friends may share your interests or experiences.  I have friends who share my love for music, friends with the same life experiences, and friends that I have been lucky enough to get to know.  As an adult, I find that my relationships with people aren't as fragile.  I don't feel that nervous about how I come across anymore.  As a person, I know that who I'm friends with is based on who I am as a person.  These friendships are a healthy part of my life, which differs from my early interpersonal choices.  Friendships are now a support system and I realize that.  Friendships can give great health benefits for women.  According to a study called Friendship, Social Support, and Health, which appeared in Springer Science and Business Media in 2007, says that friendship fosters a "behavioral vaccine" that not only helps with bodily health, but mental health as well.  Friendship is said to lower the risk for heart disease, cancer, and other types of maladies.

It's interesting to see how friendships play out over the course of a lifetime.  When you meet someone and become friends with them, you really are taking a chance.  For some people, this is something that comes naturally.  These are people who are naturally social and aren't affected if one person falls away.  For someone who falls in the sensitive category, this would never work.  Friendship is one of those issues, when you are sensitive in nature, that requires an element of real trust and sacrifice.  You are giving a part of yourself away freely and without question, then you have to see if it works out.  It's never perfect by any means, but there has to be the middle way.  This is a place between two opposite extremes where two people can find understanding.  It's almost Buddhist in it's sensibility, and compassion is definitely a great tool for friendship.  Cicero's acumen on friendship is quite intriguing but, in my humble opinion, is wishful thinking.  According to this theory, you must have implicit trust, truth, and honesty in order to maintain a true friendship.  You have to do things for each other without expecting anything in return.  When they are faltering, you have to help them understand what is wrong without compromising your moral stability.  If friendship were that easy, it would eliminate our basic rudimentary human flaws.  Friendship should be the reward in itself, even if it's imperfect or complicated.   

Pre-Menstrual Hell

I have found it; I am in hell.  Do you want to know why?  I have pre-menstrual syndrome!  I find that to be a demeaning term, but it is the only term that can be slapped on the way I feel right now.  This kind of feeling is terrible and it's definitely the curse of humanity.  They say there is a wide variety of symptoms that go along with this problem.  The Mayo Clinic says you get everything from breast sensitivity and mood swings to depression and food cravings.  It sounds more like mental illness than a natural monthly occurrence!  With everything I have been going through in the last couple months, it's the depression and the mood swings that hit me.  Good thing that I have medication for both.  Ha!  I still feel like crying though.  Last night I was watching a movie called Sunshine Cleaning and they had this part in the movie where both of the female characters were celebrating a child's birthday party.  I couldn't help it; I just cried.  I was being so weird about things, and I kept thinking how I wouldn't be happy about my birthday for a long time.  Now I think that maybe those thoughts were probably related to the PMS condition.  When I think about it in that respect, maybe if I just ate a piece of chocolate, I wouldn't have had that problem.  That's hypothetical and I'm kind of chuckling about that.

Aside from the need for chocolate, being a woman is a hard business.  I'm sure that men aren't having an easy time either.  We get saddled with this natural mental illness.  This illness that recurs in this foreseeable fashion.  According to the American Academy of Family Physicians 85% of women, at childbearing age, have experienced symptoms from PMS.  Some women only get a couple of the symptoms and there are some who get all of them.  This actually interferes with your life, especially when some women get all of the symptoms.  I can't even imagine what that must be like.  My doctor said that my PMS is related to my clinical depression, but is also related to my seizure disorder.  There are other factors that can play a role in PMS.  Your age is one of them, unfortunately.  My PMS is worse now in my thirties than it was in my twenties and my late teens.  Coffee, tea, and caffeinated soda can also exacerbate PMS, which I didn't know until a few months ago.  The biggest factor that can trigger PMS, and most people have this in their lives, is stress.  Stress is one of the leading factors that exacerbate the symptoms for pre-menstrual syndrome, according to the Mayo Clinic.  Lately, my stress level has been high and that really makes my hormones a living hell.  I know that I go through so much during this time of the month.  My seizures increase and my headaches increase.  During the cycle of PMS, according to the American Academy of Family Physicians, migraine, depression, seizure disorders, asthma, and allergies are worsened.  Luckily, I'm able to work with my doctors and maintain control with my medications.   

At this point, I have realized that my pets are the only ones that don't make feel like screaming.  I don't have children, so they don't inflame my PMS.  I do have family though, and they are good at giving me the feeling of "hell on earth."  My situation as of late hasn't made things much easier.  I'm pretty much angry at the world sometimes when I have PMS.  Angry enough to cry at the drop of the hat, or scream if I'm alone.  I feel bad for Don, because I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable.  They say it's good to keep a calender of your symptoms so that you can better control symptoms as they arise.  I think it's great to journal, because you can put your thoughts on paper or on the computer.  It helps to release all the tension that you feel over the course of the cycle, rather than feeling the need to throw chocolate wrappers at onlookers.  It's hard to talk about it to your to your mate or husband, because they can't always understand why you feel the way you do.  I always think it's funny how men cringe when you talk about this issue.  You'd think that it was the most taboo thing in the world.  Some men won't even buy tampons for their wives or girlfriends.  Maybe it's the unpredictable nature that disturbs them, or at least it's unpredictable to them.   I think as women we are stronger than we like to admit, because we tolerate so much just in one month.  We are painted, in history, as the weak and fragile sex.  That's entirely untrue, because we are just as strong and we endure much more.

Complications

There is this point where you feel that you can't move forward without acknowledging the obstacle in your path. Sometimes you have to scream at that obstacle which, I have to admit, I hate doing. Unfortunately, that is my only course of action in some cases. Sometimes I just sigh, and that sigh is a pressure valve that goes off. That is usually coupled with laughter. I'm convinced that if you laugh, you will keep yourself from crying. Lately, I have been trying to think of the most hysterical jokes and incidents that I can find in order to take my mind off of more serious matters. This substitution method is working. My husband helps, because he is naturally goofy. I've been watching a great deal of back episodes of the Dave Chappelle show and a ton of comedic or light fare movies. I've been straying away from heavy dramas. Even my reading has taken a lighter turn. I tried to read one of my old favorite books, The Joy Luck Club, and my heart wasn't in it. I really think it's what I'm surrounded with these days. Every time I try to pull myself out of the abyss, I get dragged back toward it. It's a like a card game that I have no chance, in hell, of winning. If you are ridden with the same problems that never have a chance to evolve toward a solution, then the stress can really get on top of you.

So some of the people closest in my life make me want to propel an icepick into my eardrums. It sounds funny in a dark sense, but they make me wish that I had selective deafness. I can't handle some of the garbage I get saddled with anymore. It makes my body hurt, literally. I have been having pains in my body due to stress. The whole scene is fucking me up utterly! It's the honest truth. I wish I could run screaming, but unfortunately I'm chained to the situation like Princess Leia to Jabba the Hutt. Of course, it's just a metaphor with Jabba the Hutt being the size of my problem. I'm such a nerd. All I can say is that I need a vacation that takes me far away from all of the nonsense and garbage that I am presently dealing with at this point in time. I can't wait to go back to school, because I need a diversion from it all. I need to feel like I have some sort of control over my life. I feel like my life has absolutely no meaning whatsoever. The path I'm presently taking has me stuck in a rut where I'm dealing with the aftershocks of insanity. How do I finally find peace and some semblance of normalcy?

Maybe I need to find a way to disconnect myself. I have to find a way to detach myself from the issues at hand. Should I try meditation? The Buddhists swear by it. I have never been one of those people who could fall into that kind of head space. It's not that I have ADD or ADHD. I just don't have the patience or the innate belief to do so. Some people tell me find God, and he will give me strength. I have tried that in the past, and that never worked for me either. If those two avenues have worked for other people, then that's great. I'm just saying they didn't work constructively for me. I have always found that the way I was able to forge on through life, was through the belief that I could get through one day. So far, I have been doing well with that. Lately, I have been questioning whether or not I need to up my game in that respect. If I'm just meandering through life, where is the reward for it all? Where is the feeling of comfort and satisfaction? Leaning on something will not accomplish anything and just pushing forward without aim won't complete anything. I feel like I need a complete overhaul of where I'm going, where I'm residing, and what career path I want to take. I'm finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to get the hell out of this mess.

Dreaming Up Your Goals

Is the world your oyster?  Maybe it can be!  Even though we may not think so, our chances may be limitless.  Yes we may feel constrained, but we all start out with a chance in life.  Every day we come up with new dreams.  These dreams act as the propellant toward goals.  If we didn't have these dreams, we would stall out or fall into a decline.  Sometimes this happens, because we lose sight of what to do next.  Creating goals are important, because they give you something to strive toward.  This gives your life purpose.  I was reading on the Yahoo! homepage, only a moment ago, that a British man actually walked the entire Amazon River in two years!  I wish I had the stamina and the drive to make a goal and follow it through to that capacity.  This man was in the jungle for 859 days!  This man did it to raise awareness of the destruction of the rainforest.  Luckily the man lived on donations from different companies and donors.  There are people who are extreme and then there are people who don't need to prove their endurance quite so much.  There are realistic goals that we can set for ourselves.  These are goals that we can pursue, strive for, and eventually follow through with, even if it takes a while.  This is the type of goal where the payoff makes you grateful for all the effort that you've put into fulfilling it.  It feels good when you move past the daydreaming stage and force yourself to recognize your drive.

When you come up with assessable goals, what you do to fulfill them carries new meaning.  You are manufacturing plans that guarantee a favorable outcome which works for you.  This is a concrete outline but, if you can't envision or realize your dream, then you won't be able to follow through with it.  Your confidence level will disappear.  Having confidence and realizing that you can rise to the challenge is very important.  Working on something gives you emotional gratification once it is accomplished.  Planning them out in writing, which is something that I often do, can really help you to organize.  When you journal things down, you retain information and keep it current.  For instance, those who are on a weight loss plan may write in a dietary journal.  When I was on Weight Watchers, I used one for that particular program.  It can also help you to revise your outline if something falters.  I used one for my seizure diary and one for my social anxiety disorder as well.  Both journals helped with my treatment options when it came to my medical conditions.  It provides you with the encouragement to try harder and give your best effort.  When you manufacture goals, you form a course of events just by outlining your future.  Putting one foot in front of the other is the key to getting what you want in life, even though you might think the task is insurmountable.

Summertime is Nearly Done

Summer is almost over already and I have barely savored it this year.  It was very bittersweet this year and most of it was me doing housework to keep my mind off the crappy parts.  I did have some high points.  I went parasailing for the first time, which I never thought I would be able to do.  It was such an adrenaline rush and I thank my older sister Stacey so much for taking me.  I went to see a burlesque show for the first time, which was interesting.  I met my old childhood friends from elementary school and got to see how nice Asbury Park is beginning to look now that they are restoring it.  Don took me to see the Eagles for the first time and I had the benefit of seeing Keith Urban and the Dixie Chicks as well.  There were songs played that I never thought I would ever get the chance to hear live in my entire life.  I was totally blown away.  I was able to meet my Mother-in-Law's new boyfriend for the first time, and he was a very nice person.  I celebrated my 38th birthday with my friends and family, at my sister Stacey's home, with a wonderful party.  I can't thank everyone enough for that.  Plus I have had the kindnesses of friends and strangers who took it upon themselves to wish me a Happy Birthday on Twitter/Facebook/MySpace.  That made me so happy.  I actually cried when I read them, because I didn't know so many people cared about me.

Unfortunately, I had some really horrible things happen to me during the Summer.  Those of you who read this blog or my social networking sites, will know that my Mother had passed away in June.  It really put a great deal of things into perspective.  I now realize how many things I was actually taking for granted.  You never realize how reckless you are until someone close to you passes so suddenly.  Life is more fragile than you can ever imagine.  It seems, in two short years, both my husband and I have had to learn that the hard way.  First my husband's father passed away, then my mother.  His father was a harder and more gradual process, and my mother's was out of left field.  I can't say which was worse honestly.  Death is death no matter how you size it.  I remember sitting down and reading the sympathy cards and messages, and I was so moved emotionally.  Now that it's sunk in, I just want to fall into a new path.  One where I am happy and healthy.  Right now, I am not at my healthiest.  I'm really being honest here!  I won't say why, because that is something I can't admit to anyone right now, but I'm trying to correct this problem.  (No it's not mental LOL)  That's why I'm going to doctors and getting tests done.  Hopefully that will get to the bottom of whatever is going on. 

Indian Summer is coming, and I actually like this time of year.  It's warm, but not all that humid.  You can still head to the beach, but you don't have to burn your feet on the sand when you go swimming.  It's the perfect part of the Summertime.  This kind of weather is what should last the whole year through.  Winter is not the best season by means.  In fact, Winter is horrid!  At least that's my opinion.  Plus Fall and Winter herald the horrible rush of the holiday season.  I'm not looking forward to celebrating anything remotely close to that in the least.  Maybe that opinion will change as time moves closer, but that's how I feel at the present moment.   If anything, I would just want to take a vacation with Don.  Somewhere with white sandy beaches and absolutely no stressful problems whatsoever!  A place where I have time with my husband exclusively.  I think after fifteen years of dealing with holiday ridiculousness together, we totally deserve that much!  Over the years, my affinity for the holiday ordeal has become considerably less.  Some people would disagree with the logic of escapism, but ah well.  I'm sick and tired of apologizing for how I feel.  How can I be true to myself, if I take back my feelings?  Duh!  That's just f*#king ridiculous.  It's absolutely true!  I'm nothing if I'm not genuine and I'm tired of being overly nice for everyone else's benefit.  I'm going to be true to myself, and who can ask for anything better than that.  This Summer was definitely a learning experience and, maybe, that was the best part about the season.