Insecure Looking?

I remember when I bought my first Cosmopolitan magazine when I was sixteen years old and I was amazed that the girls on the covers and in the magazine articles had such perfect skin, bodies, and hair. I kept thinking that I was making a mistake somewhere along the line. I wasn't developing fast enough when I was young and I was kind of gawky, so I really felt like an outsider then. I guess that was the start of my problem. You are always convinced that these girls were perfect from the day they were born. I didn't have an easy childhood, especially in my teens. I wasn't the fast developed one, like some of the cheerleader types or the bimbo blonde types who had the pick of their boyfriends. I had a succinct group of friends who were all pretty much the outcasts. I never realized that this was an advantage then, especially in a creative sense, because I still longed to be, "just like everyone else." That feeling of secret competitiveness always stayed with me, even when my friends didn't really care.

Chris Rock said it best when he described high school, "It's like prison without the ass-raping." You can expect mental and sometimes physical abuse if you don't meet a certain criteria. Unfortunately that is a Russian Roulette type of situation. You could be the best student in the world with the best grades, the best attendance record, and the best behavioral record, but have the hardest social life in the known universe. That can kick the shit out of your self-esteem, but I kind of had a two-fold thing going on. There is one key factor that you tend to forget when all is said and done, you can become very tough! That happened to me. So rather than being just an outcast, I was just one of those creative types who ended up not graduating with my class for other concrete reasons. I ended up living life without a code, which made me feel better about some aspects of beauty. Although I still struggled with it, I was better able to deal with it when I embarked on my young adulthood. You aren't answering to anyone and you are free to find your own way.

So now in my thirties instead of reading Cosmopolitan, I read Vogue magazine. I can't really tell if the standard of beauty or the code of perfection is worse than it was when I was reading Cosmopolitan. The clothes are definitely more expensive and the models are definitely more svelte than they used to be. The friends that I surround myself with now aren't as concerned with how I look or how they look. I guess that doesn't really put as much pressure on me. The funny thing is now I put even more pressure on myself. I keep saying, "I'm too fat, my skin is blotchy, and my hair needs desperate help!" Even worse than that is now it goes to materialism. I never really cared about that when I was younger and suddenly, out of nowhere, I want designer items. It's not even the name, but the quality of the goods. I hate that I've raised the bar that high for myself. I don't want to be the bobo chick who feels the need to overspend themselves just to buy that Gucci bag, but sometimes I wonder if that is part of my insecurity. There is a definite difference between that and having nice things. I see the clothing and makeup though and I have to say that I always wish that I was that perfect. I still have that nagging feeling that there is someone pointing at me and saying, "Look at her!" That's something that I hoping to overcome because, every once in a while, I still feel like that high-school girl.

Furry Family

How do you classify family? You have your mother, your father, your sisters, brothers or if you are married your husband and maybe your kids. I have an interesting extension to my family at home, and maybe some of you do too. My husband and I do not have children per say, but we do have pets. We don't have one kind of pet; we have a blended family of sorts or a menagerie if you will. They are the furry part of our family tree. Each branch of that family tree has an interesting and loving story behind how they came into our lives. Some of our pets were from rescues, some were adopted from friends or even found. Some of our pets were bought from breeders, and some were born right in front of our eyes. We were lucky enough to have these little furry creatures wander into our lives, and I would like to explain their stories to you. A little background about the animal family members that have been with us over the years.

Ophelia is the eldest girl in our family. She is a little Boston Terrier that came into our lives fourteen years ago as Daddy's little holiday surprise. We call her Opie and she kind of thinks of herself as a bigger dog than she really appears. She has been with us through thick and thin, throughout most of our married life, and is the kindest, gentlest dog you'd ever come across. Since she was raised with cats, my husband and I call her "cat/dog." Curley our first cat, was her first playmate, and her second playmate is our fourth cat Kirah. Now she tries to play with all of the cats, some to their chagrin. It's a little harder for her now, because she has cataracts, but she still gets around alright. Sometimes I can't believe how lucky we are to have her in our lives.

Stubby is our brown tabby and white Manx cat who is about nine years old now. For those who don't know about a Manx, they have no tail. When my husband and I moved to Ocean, New Jersey, we had Ophelia and one cat named Curley, who is no longer alive anymore. When we moved in to the apartment, I thought that Curley looked lonely and needed a playmate. So we decided, over time, to adopt a kitten into our family. We went to a rescue in Jackson and looked at different little kittens and chose little Helen. So when we were filling out the paperwork to bring little Helen home with us. The woman who runs the rescue said, "I have this other cat who needs a home. He is two years old and I have had a hard time placing the cat. The cat is really sweet, would you like to see him?" I was unsure, of course, but she went and retrieved the cat to show us anyway. The cat jumped into my husband's arms purring happily. She then proceeded to say, "He has all of his shots, and is fixed. If you adopt him, I will waive the fee." Don was won over by the cat and soon I was too, and home he and Helen came to our home. Donny calls him the Free Gift with Purchase cat.

Helen is our seven year old calico cat girl. She is probably the toughest member of our group, because she is the most temperamental. She came home the same time as Stubby, as I'd mentioned. Helen has a time limit when it comes to how long she will tolerate anyone, including her cat brethren. We thought it was something that might have happened before we got her, but then we realized that was her pathology. I have to say that I love her spirit! I love that she is not the nicest cat, and I would worry if she changed. She's not always mean, mind you. If you give her treats, food, or other types of reward type things, she's very kind. Her lovey side comes in spurts, but like a person her personality is diverse. She pretty much loves her rainbow mice and the cat tree, and her independence. This often leads to her getting in trouble as I had written about in the past. Luckily she has two responsible parents who watch out for her independent ass!

Our third kitty Tiger was a trailer park cat. My sister Stacey called me one day and told me her friend Bonnie was feeding this cat that lived in the trailer park adjacent to her property. Apparently the cat was abandoned for almost a year after his owners moved away. There is a funny story when it comes to Tiger. When I first went to adopt Tiger, I was told he was a girl. The veterinary papers given, and the shot records given on adoption said that he was a girl. We decided to name the cat Tigress and took the cat home. The cat was happy, healthy, and acclimated into our home perfectly with the other cats. Then he got a little sniffle and we ended up taking the cat to the vet and to our surprise Tigress came home Tiger. The poor cat had a drag name for almost a year. We both felt so bad for the poor guy, but he didn't seem to mind. Tiger is the eldest cat in the group now at eleven years old and the sweetest cat you'd ever meet. All he wants to do is be pet and loved constantly. I've never had a cat who was more thankful just to be on your lap.


When my cat Curley, who was ten years old at the time, passed away from cancer, I never thought that I would get over it. Curley was my baby and the first cat in our family. When something like that happens, I don't care what anyone says, it hurts badly. To this day, I still have hard time with it. I think it hurt even more because Donald and I saw Curley into this world. We helped bottle feed him when his natural mother wouldn't nurse him anymore. It was such a deep loss for both of us. When he got very sick, it was very quick. We took him to the vet and she was very honest with us. I remember the day completely and it still hurts like hell. Without going into detail, we didn't go with him that snowy evening in December of 2003.

In January, I get a call from my little sister Lenore about a cat that her friend Kevin was looking to adopt out. I immediately told her no, because I wasn't up to it after the whole thing with Curley and the unrest I was still feeling with that situation. She conceded for the time being, but called again about it the next day. Lenore told me to visit with the cat and if I really wasn't interested, she would let the situation go completely. After her constant prodding, I decided to go. Kevin, my sister's friend, had this one year old kitten they were calling "Worms." The reason being was that she had a case of worms when he got her, or so I think. That condition was gone by then, but the name stuck I guess. She was an adorable little kitten, but I guess she was a little too gregarious for Kevin's taste. She used to knock his action figures over and bury things under the carpet. Anyway, I started to play with her and pet her, she seemed to be very sweet. I kind of got suckered in and decided to take the little one home. I couldn't call her "worms," because she was too pretty for that. So today she is called Kirah, and she is six years old. She is a tortoiseshell calico kitty and she is very vocal. She loves to warble and meow at you. We call the knocking things over stunt the frequent shopper attacks, and usually it's just for attention. Now that she is doted on more often, she really doesn't make that kind of problem anymore.

We've had many birds in our family over the years. When Don and I were first married, we had one bird Chi-Chi. Chi-Chi was a parakeet who wasn't really big on being held or anything of that nature. She was a feisty little blue and white girl who laid eggs all the time. When we moved to Ocean Township, we got a cockatiel named Norbu. Norbu is a very cute, but is definitely Daddy's girl. She lets me hold her from time to time, but she mostly can do without me. Norbu, who is our only bird now, enjoys hearing music and watching television for the most part. She screams at me every time I come in the room and hangs upside down. When Chi-Chi unfortunately passed away in 2004, we eventually adopted Hyde another female parakeet. Hyde was very timid and had a very hard time bonding. She was a rescue and we didn't know what her former owners were like. Hyde was with us for six years before she passed away last year. We never really knew how old she was, but we loved her dearly and it was very hard for us to see her go. We also had Walter the canary who was with us for four years before she died. Walter was marked as a male on her rescue papers and then one day laid an egg, but since we liked her name, Walter stuck. Again, because she was a rescue, we never knew how old she really was. We miss her so much all the time. She was a wonderful bird and was a very important part of our family.

I'd had rabbits in the past, when I was a child, but they were not very nice rabbits. So when my husband found out about some rescue bunnies, I was kind of apprehensive about even approaching them in general. They were these cute little Netherland Dwarf bunnies, one steely grey and the other creamy white. When I went over to the pen, Don opened up the cage and the grey one hopped into my arms. The rabbit was immediately affectionate, and I was totally suckered. His little litter mate was just as sweet, so they went home a matched pair. Turned out that they were both fixed, which was nice. Kola, the grey bunny was a male and Schuyler, the cream bunny was a girl. The two of them were so sweet and because they were rescues, I didn't really know their age exactly. I had them both for six years, and then Schuyler unfortunately passed away from cancer. Kola is doing well and he still plays with his toys. I was worried that he was too melancholy for a while, and then I noticed he started to enjoy watching television with the bird. It was as if the television became his surrogate playmate. That was kind of scary at first, but in a way I was glad. Now he seems to be doing fine on his own and plays with his toys happily. He still enjoys to chew and spit out paper for sport, and will ham it up for the camera.

Each one of our little furry family members has brought us a sense of loving fulfillment. We will always embrace every memory they have allowed us to share with them. Animals are companions that will always be an important part of our family life. I have always been a firm believer that your life is complete with your pets along with you. These animals are most definitely our family and a very large part of our lives. They give us unconditional love and support no matter what, and they are always here for us when we come in the door. They trust us and have a bond with us that can rival some human friendships. They are the first ones we see in the morning and the last ones we see before bed. Some of them even share our bed! There are benefits to having animals in your life. They make you step out of your comfort zone. They make you get out and walk, they reduce your stress, and they can even lower your blood pressure. They all have their own distinct personalities, very much like some of the people in our lives.

I'm Not Defined By My Lack of Progeny

The other night, someone approached me on my reasons for not having children for my own. I struggled for an answer at first, because the way it came out hurt a bit. It almost seemed that lack of children was an abomination of some sort. My answer was simple, "It was never an option." When you are young, there are a great deal of stereotypes that are thrown your way. You are told that you must attend college, meet the perfect mate, marry this perfect person, and have a couple or more children. In today's standards, that can go along with the parents both having careers and paying for a nanny or outside childcare. Many families even have stay-at-home dads or moms. The family dynamic is very different as well, because you have single parent households, blended family households, and same-sex parents households as well as the mother and father nuclear family dynamic.

Now I never went the perfect route in life, because I wasn't really the healthiest person in the world. With that element in place for me, my schooling ended abruptly and I ended up getting my GED. My difficulty in life happens to be grand mal and petit mal epilepsy, which has me on many different medications that would endanger the life of the child from conception toward birth. So when my husband and I met each other, fell in love, and eventually married, we decided that it would be fiscally sound and medically reasonable if we did not try to have a child of our own. We also decided that adoption was not something that we wanted opt into either. With epilepsy, I'm not really sure that my chances of adoption would be very likely and the cost of adoption abroad is extremely costly to say the very least. That does not count the emotional roller-coaster and uncertainty that goes along with adoption as well.

Because my husband and I have made the conscious decision to not have children doesn't mean that we do not like children, it simply means that we aren't cut out for that type of lifestyle. There are many moments within our lives as a couple where we often realize that we are not parent material. We enjoy the freedoms of being able to do anything we want without the worry of having to find childcare or a sitter. With the way the economic climate is during the financial crisis we are experiencing between 2009-2010, it is not fiscally responsible for a couple in our position to conceive. My husband and I will not have to worry about the fiscal and environmental strain that one or more children will put on us as a couple. (i.e, college, cars, diapers, food, clothing, transportation, medical care, utilities, etc.) The environmental wake from every child is absolutely astounding if you think about it.

I have been married for almost fifteen years without the pitter-patter of little feet in our household. Statistically the odds for our marriage lasting over ten years were actually against us according to the most recent study conducted by the Centers for Disease Control in 2002. They say that seventy-nine percent of couples who conceived and had children within eight months of getting married were still together after ten years of marriage. Fifty-five percent of couples stayed together more than ten years if they had a child prior to marriage. Here is the clincher! Only thirty-four percent of couples, who remained childless, celebrated their tenth wedding anniversary. I found that to be unbelievable and sad at first. When I sat there and mulled it over and over in mind for a while, I thought, "Wow, Donald and I beat the odds! How intriguing!" Those who think that our life is joyless, because we are childless, distinctly forget that you make your own happiness as a couple.