Impermanence

Is there a real point where you shouldn't become attached to things. I know that the Buddhists talk of impermanence, but what about family heirlooms or prized possessions? I can remember buying a really expensive pair of sunglasses and then misplacing them. These sunglasses were worth over two-hundred dollars and they were absolutely beautiful. I always felt this deep fear of losing them and, when I did, it was like this strange and awful prophecy came true. This is just materialism alone! Does the same prophecy hold true for people? Do we feel a selfish attachment with people when we mourn? I don't know whether I can subscribe to the whole reincarnation thing, because I am not religious at all. I can see how the idea, in itself, could be worthwhile for some people. Wouldn't you like to be able to come back? The only thing is, what if you come back as something like a spider or a dung beetle? That doesn't sound like a fruitful next life to me. It's one thing to learn, but it doesn't seem to amount to anything if you aren't going to back to an appropriate vessel in which to start over. That's where I find the religious stumbling block.

We all find ourselves fearing old age and the eventual settling into death. I even find myself being scared of when the other shoe will drop. I'm not so much afraid of what I will look like when I get old, because that doesn't really matter to me. It's the pain and suffering that I will have to endure during that path in my life. That is the part that really frightens me. I feel as if I will lose the very vitality that I held so dear. I may not be the healthiest person in the world, but I do value the youthfulness that I still possess. I can see the wrinkles that are starting to form around my eyes. I know that the one or two gray hairs that were found probably have a hundred more waiting in the shadows to follow in their stead. Those things still don't bother me as much as falling deathly ill with crippling arthritis or getting something like Alzheimer's disease or some form of heart disease. I guess that shows the impermanence of health. Maybe I shouldn't be so attached to my body or even my mind. Maybe I should think in terms of that my body is a shell. I can't really tell how my life will live on. Maybe it won't; maybe it will. I don't have any high expectations.

Another fear which comes from the thought of impermanence comes in the form of losing my spouse or my loved ones. I can't even imagine what it will be like when I lose my husband or my close family. It really frightens me to know that, like myself, they have an expiration date. It seems like we all have a date, like cartons of milk or parcels of vegetables. It seems that life is so fragile. Now with the way our government works, you can't tell if you can even live your life without the fear of losing everything when your spouse passes away or gets sick. So, not only do you have to worry about losing the person you love with all of your heart, you have to worry about losing everything you have worked for and collected throughout your entire lifetime together. The impermanence strikes both the fragility of life and the materialistic part that is also very important. This can also be something that goes away even if you get sick and you are alone. So how do you place a value on your life. You can't measure it by the things that you accrue in your lifetime, because those are just material items that aren't always going to exist. It's the measure of your spirit. That will live on forever and remain in everyone's thought.

Roughing It

Now I have a philosophy in life when it comes to the outdoors. Aside from the beach, I've never really been the outdoor type. I like to know that natural landscapes are able to be protected, but I have no desire to hike them or stroll through them in any capacity. I have a real reason for this, and it's not laziness I assure you. Part of it is the dirt factor, but my main concerns about going out into the wilderness come in the form of the insect variety. I despise bugs with a passion, and this means all bugs. Spiders are considered arachnids rather than insects, but they still fit the bug mold to me. These type of creatures deserve to be either smashed, poisoned, or repelled, because they are pests. I would rather not encounter them in any capacity whatsoever. I'm deathly afraid of them and I uncontrollably scream when I see a bug.

Even though I have this aversion to insects, my husband insists that I should experience the outdoors. He wants to go canoeing or kayaking and while that sounds fun, I'm afraid of water parasites. The last time I went hiking with my husband, I came out of the woods with hundreds of ticks on me and a grave fear of Lyme's Disease. That kind of sealed my fate with insects after that incident. My husband insists that I shouldn't kill spiders as well and tells me they should live as part of a healthy part of the ecosystem. I say they are trespassers and deserve to be squashed. I don't think that they would think twice about biting me at all. Even though I'm scared of insects and alike, I feel sad that I can't enjoy places like Ocean County Park and Allaire State Park to their full capacity. I have never been camping, because I have been too afraid to be outdoors overnight.

I have been thinking this over and over in my head. My husband always lets me plan the vacations and trips every year, and I wanted to let him do the planning. I know that he has been wanting to do the camping thing for so long. Maybe if I get enough Off or Cutter, and I get a big enough bug net, I can actually enjoy sleeping outdoors in a tent. The only thing that grosses me out is the running water thing. Are there actually campsites that have running water that is completely hygienic? Are there alternate means of transporting water to bathe with? These are other questions that plague my mind, and make me nervous about doing anything that requires me to rough it. Does this mean that campers sometimes go for a couple days without intensive bathing? That creeps me out in the deepest sense. This doesn't strike me as much as the insect or wild animal factor would, but it comes close.

How do we truly overcome a fear? I think that answer is by just doing it or immersing yourself into the one thing you are afraid of and realizing that the obstacle was not as tall as you'd originally thought. I do think that these things should be taken slowly, and I'm not going to go through the river in waders to go fly fishing just to prove that I won't die from it. Some of this need to be outdoors also comes from what my doctor told me after a blood test. I have a vitamin D deficiency. This is because I'm a vampire! Ha ha ha! Well when I heard this, I considered that maybe sunshine was something that I really needed, which is why I think that I shouldn't put myself in a corner. This Summer, I've decided to go tubing with my husband in New Hope. I have to try and coordinate schedules, and this is a big step for me. I want to try the whole wilderness/river thing, and see how it goes. Maybe if I enjoy this, a canoe or camping trip isn't far from my future.