Sweet Solitude

I'm very glad that I have such a wonderful family who cares about each other and I was so thankful to have people around me for the last three days, but I did something different today. Today I was so pleased, because I was able to spend some time by myself to rationalize things. I'm not trying to be selfish, but I was glad didn't have to deal with crowds or have to talk about what happened three days ago. I was just able to rest and get some much needed peace while my husband worked. After a while you just get talked out, because you really have nothing left to elaborate on the subject. I just needed to process what I've seen and try to adjust myself so I can find some semblance of normalcy. I know that being around people can help when you are feeling confused, shocked, and going through grief, but I needed to be out of the loop for a bit. Some people have a hard time understanding this, but that's not my problem. I just needed to have a good cry by myself without other people staring at me. My father, and I realize this was out of grief, told me that I needed to go a therapist. Does being alone constitute a need for a therapist? I don't think so. To tell you the truth, I feel much better today after taking some time out. This isn't to say that I'm not grateful for all the support, because I'm absolutely thankful. I think I'm better able to spend time with my family again and help them through their grieving process. I love them all so much and I want to go through the motions of finding some sort of closure.

Tonight, now that I've had some alone time, I went over to my sister's home. I wasn't so pressured and I felt better about things. Because I've been able to sort things out a bit, I can handle more than I could the other day. Even when my eldest sister was drunk, rowdy, and a bit gruff and I had to look at old photographs of my mother, I was still calm enough. I felt strong enough to deal with it. I can't handle too much sadness, and I know that Mom wouldn't want me to get too mired up in this. With that in mind, I'm just going to take a deep breath and try to work through this in a healthy manner. I'm not going to feel bad about taking time to myself and I won't let people make me feel guilty for it. I think it makes me stronger and it helps me be a better daughter, sister, or friend to my grieving loved ones. I think it's better to be healthy than be sheltered, even though I love my family and friends so very much. I want to be able to go through that memorial service tomorrow without feeling depressed and worn out. I want to be able to say goodbye without the cloudiness and numbness that I was feeling earlier. I think that was a psychologically correct approach and it will help me to get on with the rest of my life as it should. I know I will still have those bumps in the road, but at least I can find some way to understand why.