This Well I Have

Lately I have been struggling with this gnawing sadness in my life. Maybe I shouldn't use the word lately, because this has been ongoing for a long, long time. I have a wonderful husband who is a best friend and lover to me, I have a wonderful family who loves me dearly, but I feel this deep deficit in my life. Don't mistake this post as me feeling sorry for myself, because it's quite the contrary. I'm beginning to work out why my life is turning in this direction. I realize that my sadness comes from my inability to connect on a social level or, in simpler terms, I don't have many friends. I have been thinking this over for so long and maybe it's that I'm not likable or lack the type of personality that one would want to connect with as a friend. I wish I could pinpoint one exact cause for this issue, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I'm not going to lie; it does make my heart ache. It's funny, I can look at Facebook and see how many people end up on a list, but I'm still perplexed with the reasoning for connecting just for the sake of "doing so." I know that I have been guilty of that, but more for the sense of following the news of a musical artist, favorite designer, or a movie that's set to premiere. Sometimes Facebook makes me feel more lonely than I should, which is why I like to follow Twitter for it's impersonality and sometimes strict news factor. I digress. Maybe my foray into a new school will give me a chance to start new friendships and I won't feel so sad. Today I cried, because I really do feel like an oddity and someone who can never say the right thing. I want to say this, for the end of this post: If I have ever said anything out of turn, offputting, offensive, or disagreeable, I am sorry, because I'm not the best person in the world. I'm trying to improve and I am a work in progress.  Maybe it won't feel like a well of difficulty one day..

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Entering Summer

Summer is a precarious time for me.  For those who don't know my situation, let me paint it for you:  School is my one type of occupation.  Yes, that is really sad.  So during the Summer I have to find some sort of occupation to keep me from going stark raving mad from boredom.  I have to be careful about this task, because I can endanger my medicare and social security benefits by doing so.  So today, I have been spending most of my time pouring through the want-ads and hoping to find something that will suit me.  Getting a job is good for two reasons.  Not only will it cure the boredom problem, but it will also help me save for college this Autumn, which is very important.  I'm hoping to find a job before the beginning of classes, this Summer, so that I can make a cohesive schedule with my prospective employer.  Good luck to me!  The last time I worked, it was for a market research corporation called Centrac and that was from 1997 - 2000.  I don't even think that company exists anymore in this state.  I think their corporate office is in Maryland now.  I worked as a market researcher until I wasn't well enough to do it anymore.

I have set up my two classes that will prepare me for my completion and transfer to Georgian Court University.  I have to take Survey of Mathematics and Statistics.  I'm not upset about having to take two math courses this Summer, because they are both at night and only on Wednesday.  I'll have everything set up and done by August 3rd.  It's a bit scary, because there is so much that is going into this transfer.  In a way, I think that my husband is lucky that he was able to finish his education right at Kean at OCC.  I just wouldn't have received the classes that were necessary for my degree from that school.  Plus, I was able to get a scholarship through that school and I sorely needed that to complete my work.  I will probably end up doing my graduate work through GCU as well.  Hopefully I can do that work while I substitute teach or if I find work as a test proctor, tutor, or something of that nature.  Employment is so difficult, and I've seen friends who've struggled with more scholastic and employment experience that I have ever achieved.  I'm not going to be a defeatist about the situation and I'm going to work as hard as possible to find my place. 

There is no easy way out!

After the whole news story about the death of Osama Bin Laden, I've been thinking of the last ten years that our country has faced. We look at one person, whom is considered a mastermind of a devastating, horrible, tragedy, and we can focus on this person as a target. During this point in history our leader, at the time, was generating his "War on Terror," but failed to find him when he went on his crusade into Iraq and subsequently failed when he made his foray into Afghanistan. Now, after all of this time and after so many lives were taken, we finally have this person. Here is a quote from the former president: "So I don't know where he is. You know, I just don't spend that much time on him ..." -- George W. Bush, March 13, 2002. Does this mean that the level of importance for finding Osama Bin Laden was very low on his priority scale. That is something that makes me wonder a great deal. Even though this one point in history occurred, this doesn't scale back the war effort. It just rallies up the moral for those who've needed closure. Who could begrudge anyone of that? This doesn't mean that President Obama is any better in terms of making strides to end the war effort. I'm sure it will bring up his approval rating a tad but, otherwise, it just took care of a figurehead that espoused a toxic movement that created a larger more difficult problem. That is the obstacle that our government and military have to address. What was the impetus that caused such hatred? Do you think the "cowboy justice" mentality that Bush and many other politicians, including President Obama most recently, makes it all better? I think not! I think it makes our government and our country look extremely unintelligent. It doesn't help that our media sinks us deeper into that abyss but, tbat can take another blog post to discuss.

I think that as Americans, we have to step away from our prejudicial politics and see the greater picture. We have a poor economy and no matter what party that you belong to, it won't go away without an intelligent plan. I've seen a great deal of imbeciles, no matter what angle they come from, that lack any cohesive plans to find a well-rounded difference for both the problems at home and abroad. They are too busy shaking down our president for birth certificates, screaming about small government, or crying "socialist." The ones who aren't into that are interested in pushing for the war effort without any set direction or finding apathy when it comes to financial repair. You know Donald Trump can scream his "birther" rants and raves, but why doesn't he help the impoverished in the midwest. They need employment and affordable housing terribly. Mr. Trump has plenty of cash to throw in that direction I'm sure. He's another nail in the unintelligent casket. Why would anyone want to see him as president? Honestly that reality show peddling asswipe is just a nuisance. I would rather see Bloomberg first, and he's even smart enough to stay away from that job.

I digress, if we took the time to find out what the true motivations were behind 9/11, other than religious suicide, maybe we can settle further disputes. We took the time to train somebody like Bin Laden, so we found a use for him. Charlie Wilson, former Texas Congressman of the US House of Representatives, helped fund his education and military training, along with the CIA. They even glamorized it with a movie! Not really what they really trying to prove with that movie, but it was interesting nonetheless. I think that Obama's apathetic behavior with so many issues is going to remove him come election time, but I'm surely not going to look toward someone like Mitt Romney as a substitution. Who will be a rational choice? What joke will they find next? I feel for our president, because he doesn't seem stupid. He's just not proactive at a time when we need that type of person. One incident isn't going to save a floundering adminstration. I'm a liberal and I never thought that he had anything to offer from the get go. It had nothing to do with his birthplace or party; it was his platform. He had nothing! What change was he looking for? I'm still wondering!

Easter Memories

Today, even though I had a great brunch with family, I was feeling so ill at ease. It night seem strange, because you are supposed enjoy the time with your loved ones. As I got my first cup of coffee, I realized that my husband was at work today and my mother was gone. It felt so irregular without my Mother-in-Law Linda, and the rest of the family as well. Just so many differences. My mother loved Easter, and still bought candy for us, even as we became adults. Of course that candy, eventually, came with flowers as we grew up. My Mother-in-Law would have dinner with us and my Father-in-Law, Sister-in-Law, and Brother-in-Law, and Mom would have Dad, Lenore, Tim, Don and I for brunch at the restaurant of our choosing earlier that day. I can even recall when I was a kid going to Easter breakfast at my grandmother's house. That was always an elaborate banquet of food.

The wind up for Easter, in my family, was never the same pomp and circumstance as Christmastime, although you had the annual Allaire State Park Easter Egg Hunt, which was always fun. You had your visit to the Easter Bunny, which resulted in a coloring book, maybe some candy, and a healthy fear of people in rabbit costumes. Most of them just smelled like dust and pee. Santa, was much the same in the smell department, with a less menacing face. Santa got NORAD and transportation to deliver frivolous amounts of toys, and the Easter Bunny encourages the consumption of tooth rotting, weight gaining candy by giving baskets of it away.

Easter was easy, because I didn't have to make a list. Christmas is when you poured through the Toys "R" Us circulars and chart which toys you absolutely wanted under that tree. Most of the time parents just picked the ones they could afford or chose evenly for the both of us and then call it quits when it came to that holiday. Whereas on Easter, they pretty much bought two gorgeous baskets and a basket in the middle to share. I used to call that the community basket. A great deal of the candy was Russell Stover, which was Mom's favorite. I'm convinced it was her segue into sampling some of the marshmallow bunnies.

Everything, when it came to these points in the year, was surrounded with love and, even though I'm not religious, I still feel that void. Holidays were a special time for my Mother and she took great pains to make everyone feel special. She had this unwavering faith that everything she did had a purpose and that a higher power always had a plan for everyone. I don't think that's true, because she definitely had her own order. The holidays were always the way she planned them, even when I was hosting them, and it seems so alien to have it any other way now.

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Waste of Money

I have to ask this question:  Why the hell would anyone spent their hard earned money on a ticket to see Charlie Sheen's one man show?  I was watching some news clips and there was one man who spent $300 on a ticket to see that moron.  That is ridiculous!  What happened to sensibility?  Did it fall out the fucking window and hit the ground twelve stories below?  He was booed and half of his audience left on his first trip to the Radio City Music Hall.  I do have a humorous little tidbit from his most recent "winning" second performance in NYC:  James Lipton asks, "What is your favorite curse word?" Charlie Sheen responded, "Either 'fuck' or 'Denise.'"  I never knew that my name was bangin' enough for a curse word but, hey, you never know.  More or less that corresponds with his intense hatred of Denise Richards, which is more of a violent thing.    

Traveling Through Life

Sometimes you go through the inner discussion in your life where you say, "Who am I?  Where did I come from?  Where am I going?"  You get to that point where you ask questions, such as those, about the value of your life and it's goals.  During our lives, most of us want to conceptualize the way our lives will work out.  We want to know the places that we'll go and we try to make these foolproof master-plans.  This comes from the basic need to be healthy, happy, successful, and prosperous.  It's a natural human instinct that we all aspire to no matter what situation we come from.  We have different versions of what those terms might be, but they all have a common thread.  When life takes a person to a place they don't necessarily plan on, we feel this gravity of a mistake or something has gone wrong.  This can often be disheartening and discouraging to a person, but can cause the rudimentary human trait to reason why this happens. 

Going through trials and tribulations creates a sense of reality.  The hardest parts in our lives train us to form gratitude and a sense of humility.  Sometimes the obstructions, our weariness, our experiences, and our situation in life can change the course, but you get the education of the adventure.  Life is fickle and subject to change no matter what outlines or planning we put into it.  Buddhists say that you have to rest with the fact that nothing is permanent, and that is a hard thing to swallow.  As humans, we love to cling onto everything, but you can't take everything with you.  Learning to let go is the hardest part and even if you dedicate most of your life learning that discipline, you still may never truly get it.  The true learning experience is that we can stopping worrying about what needs to happen and focus on being flexible as a person.  You can achieve your goals, even though there are some curves and obstacles you must travel along the way.  Learning to enjoy the trip is the best part of living. 

I'm Going to Miss Radio

I am so going to miss my radio station job here at the college when the semester ends!  I'm sitting here right now behind the mic and really loving what I do here.  I get to play my favorite tunes and share them with as many people who will listen, plus I get to share my banter here and there.  It's the best opportunity that I've been allowed to have here on campus.  I don't think that I will be following through with it as a profession, but I will never forget how happy this has made me.  I've been lucky enough to be able to do some charity work through this as well.  Next semester, I will have a whole new journey to embark on, but these are memories that will always stay with me.  I'm more than thankful that I can have this much fun right now.  I've even plugged my favorite singers and artists on here, which has been great fun.  I get to play everything from metal to country to rhythm and blues, without a set format.  It's my dream playlist of all time.  Nothing is ever perfect and that's college radio, but I've learned a great deal from the experience.  I've gotten a chance to use equipment that I've never tried before and I've put my public speaking skills to the test.  Definitely one of the best times of my life.