If there is something that people could remember me by, it would be my lack of tact. There is always that time where someone needs my input and what slips out is advice blanched with the awful truth. Why is it so hard for me to be completely comforting to someone or at least complimentary? I'm beginning to think that I am suffering with some kind of brain defect that makes me terribly blunt or way too outspoken. There should be a volunteer program whereas you can install a v-chip that you can turn on and off during social situations. This could censor and or alter certain responses to different situations that may cause you to air a very disconcerting response. Sometimes there are moments that make me question whether or not I am good person at all? Then again, I am a me, me, me person at times. Isn't everyone though? Is there anyone who is completely selfless in nature? If you aren't, then there is no possible way that you can exist without withering away or at least suffering in some nature. You have to give yourself a bit of attention or you will find yourself in situation where you are constantly taken advantage of. That's another reason why I have always come across so tough. I was always the meek nerdy kind of girl who really didn't have a ton of friends as a child. When I got older, I was very naive and was taken advantage of by men. So eventually, when I developed a thick skin, I became tougher, blunt, and very honest. I have a feeling that it comes down to being too honest for my own good. Luckily I was able to find a man who adored me for my blunt honesty, because I don't think there would be anyone else that would be able to put up with me. My experiences have made me a person that one shouldn't be. Is there a cure for that insanity?
I try so much to understand the mixture that is the human psyche, but it is definitely a mystery. People go to psychiatrists and analysts trying to debunk their issues. I know I do but, let's face it, there are plenty more in my position. People are sad, people are happy, people are wronged, people are robbed, people are lost, and we all need to be found in some way. Every day I long to find a way to find myself, my true self. I know that's like fielding the holy grail. Every person struggles with how much of themselves they are willing to share. That's like parting with lottery money. If people find out how much you have, they will take as much as they can grab from you. Although that may seem like propaganda or even paranoia, that really stands to be more true than you can ever realize. It seems that when you are hurting, there is always someone you have to hide that hurt from. There is always someone you can't give that part of yourself away to. Is it because of manipulation? Unfortunately yes! Maybe this is because of fear of manipulation too. It can also be fear of someone who is overly critical. This is the category that I try so very hard not to fall into. My own father is terribly critical and it flows through my genes like a festering disease from both sides of my gene pool. Not to say that both of my parents aren't endearing individuals, but my father has it and my mother certainly did while she was alive. I'm just hoping that one day, I can find a way to reverse my genetic flaw and be a nicer and more cordial human being. Hopefully admitting I have a problem is the step toward that future. My name is Denise and I have Verbal Diarrhea. It doesn't sound nice, but I'm willing to find a way to cure it!
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