This Has to Stop! It's Time to Shut the Door!

This is going to seem more like a journal entry today, but bear with me anyway.  Sunday I spent some time with my sister sorting through some more of my Mother's things.  Most of the stuff we sorted was either for good will or to the dumpster, but it was very odd.  I have gone through the whole phase where I felt the uncontrollable part, now things seem reflective.  I'm afraid to sort the memories out too much and I, certainly, do not want to over analyze them.  I wanted to absorb the sadness that my sister felt today.  I wanted to take away the pain that she felt; that she was enduring over all of this.  I hated that I felt so even headed over it.  I felt that maybe I was missing something that should be there.  Could it be because I saw her first hand?  I keep wringing my hands and trying to think of an answer.  Being contemplative really doesn't accomplish anything, but I really don't comprehend any other way to sort this.  I guess sorting through the items and packing them in garbage bags kind of felt like I was intruding on her life.  I felt like I was taking away part of her and throwing it all away, like she was refuse.  I felt almost like I was being hurtful in a way, but it was something that needed to happen.  It was unflappable and inevitable; it needed to be removed.  I wasn't feeling overly thrown over it, but I have to admit to some apprehension.

I'm one of those people who goes into a situation without feeling the need to weep.  I don't know if that has anything to do with me being hard hearted or if I just have some kind of genetic or psychological defect of some sort.  The funny part is that I have more of a tough time dealing with the death of a pet, than the death of a person.  I feel really awful by saying that, but it is absolutely one-hundred and fifty percent true.  Maybe it's due to having more of a complicated relationship with my human family, but I can't really tell.  I'm really clueless on the matter at hand.  When my cat Curley passed away, I spent the whole day bawling.  I don't mean just weeping; I mean bawling on my pillow in my apartment.  It was one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my entire life.  To this day, it still chokes me up to think about it.  Now my Mother's passing hurts in a different way.  It's more of a empty feeling that I just can't seem to shake.  I've done the crying thing, and that is not the issue.  It's like this dull ache and it hurts, but I push through it.  My Dad is like me, because I can see that he's dealing with it in the same manner.  Oddly enough, I thought he was going to be more like my kid sister.  It turned out that my older sister and younger sister were just like Mom in the emotion department, while Dad and I steered the same direction.

I am really hoping that there is a time where I can just move past this.  I want to get all of that stuff out of the room, so I don't have to look at it anymore.  I want it for Daddy and I want it for the family.  This is something that needs to happen so that we can enter the next phase of our lives.  It's as if we are in stasis.  Unable to move on with things as they should, because there is this obstacle that barriers us from moving down the road.  Another thing that hasn't been done yet, and I know this is going to be very very hard, is the spreading of the ashes.  That is going to be so hard for all of us.  To me, it will see so freeing to let her go.  I know she wouldn't want to just sit in a silicone and metal urn.  On the other hand, talking about this feels extremely maudlin and I will stop right here and now.  Sorry if I made anybody uncomfortable.  When this is all said and done, I feel like I will be free.  I know Mom would want that for me.  I'm sick of writing about this.  I'm sick of having this clog my brain like a fucked up sink.  This has to end, because life has to start up as it should.  Happiness and peace needs to come back to my life.  I need to shut this door!  I need to have hope again.