Analyzing, Realizing, & Healthy Detachment

A flood of emotions have been pouring through me the last couple of days.  I can't believe that it's been a week since my mother passed on.  It seems like a whirlwind has passed through my world and left a large hole.  My life seems unglued, unplugged, and unbelievable.  I'm not tearing up and crying like a was three days ago.  I'm starting to make that realization that it's all true.  My mother's ashes are ready to be picked up from the funeral home and I worry about my Dad in that situation.  I want to pick them up for him or at least go with him when he does.  It always astounds me that one person can fit in an urn that is less than the size of your head.  You walk through your whole life as a whole person, and then you are suddenly ashes or you are put in a box.  I guess the memories are larger than the way you end up.  This may sound morbid to you, but this is something that has crossed my mind today.  I never really thought that I would have to think this way.  You never plan for death really.  You can request a certain kind of funeral, and you can choose the way that you want your body handled afterward, but your family is never really emotionally prepared.  There is no way to plan how you feel. 

I remember looking at all the people who attended my Mother's memorial service.  The looks on their faces were so tear-ridden and solemn.  I was at the point where I was cried out but, when I saw them, I was saddened by the way that they felt.  If it makes any sense, I felt more for their emotional trial at that point, than my own grief.  I went through this odd phase for the first three days, where I couldn't cry.  Maybe it was the shock of the situation that did that to me, because my husband, my Dad, and I tried so desperately to save her along with the paramedics.  The medics worked on her for fifteen minutes.  I just wanted her to sit up and argue with me.  I don't know much sense that makes, but it's really how I felt.  I never really found an explanation in it all.  The funny thing is that my Mother's job went through after twenty four years and it seemed that she didn't really want to get another one.  Maybe on some subconscious level, she thought that it was time.  I can probably sit there and overanalyze things for what seems like forever.

I was grateful for having so many friends and family who took the time to care about me during this time.  I don't know whether I could have dealt with this alone.  I think that I probably wanted them there even when I didn't realize it.  After a while, I did want to be alone to process it all.  Once there was a good cry, I was able to move on from it a bit.  I know that I can't bring her back and I never had that crazy notion.  There was no laying in the fetal position for more than a night.  I know my mother would've wanted me to push on through.  It was something that she particularly said to me, but I knew how she felt about being sad.  I know my sisters had to rely on medication to sleep.  I kind of soldiered on through that.  For the first two days, I was having issues.  Once I got some rest, I was able to see things relatively clearly.  I'm hoping that everything just moves on.  I don't want to be stuck in a rut where I'm constantly dwelling on this whole issue.  A point of detachment from the loss and the foot toward the future is imminent.  There should be a day where I wake up and just be happy and grateful for everything I do have.  My life is still my own and I want to be able to smile again.