That quote from the Joy Luck Club kind of sticks with me. It almost seems more poingant now than it did when I first heard it all of those years ago. My Mom would do things for my sisters and I that seemed a bit trivial when we were younger and now I realize how important those things were. I always have to remind myself that I need to move forward and not feel so trapped by the heartache. Tonight was the second time I cried for my Mother. I didn't even get emotional at her memorial. I think that it's just me trying to be strong, but I'm beginning to realize that it's me avoiding grief. I don't mean to do this to dishonor my Mother, because that is not my intent. Some of the strength comes from anger, because I feel as if some of the issues that happened, she could've prevented. The other part of it comes from the need to be strong for both of my sisters and my father. Tonight, when I realized that I will never have her to talk to anymore, the wall came down. When I realized all of the good things that she meant for us to do, even though we fought her on them, made us the people we are today. Like making us go for swimming lessons or teaching me my multiplication tables. Even when my Mom gave us those silly stocking stuffers during the holidays, they came with the best of intentions and love. When my Mother saw her oldest daughter for the first time in 18 years, it seemed that all of that time vanished and she took her back. It didn't seem to matter that all of those years escaped her, because she was willing to make up for all of it. She instilled that unconditional love onto us. She always had that kind of spirit, and she figured that it was important that we carried that along. Sometimes I find it hard to be that compassionate, but it came to her easily.
Things weren't always easy for her and I. There was plenty of resentment over different ideas for how my life should be run. It seemed to sit with me over the years, even though I tried not to let it overwhelm me. I never realized why she was like that, but it occurs to me that maybe that type of doting was something that was lacking in her own childhood. I've heard stories about what happened to my Mother during certain parts of her life, but much of it wasn't spoken of until we were older. I remember how resentful I was when Mom kept the knowledge of my sister from my little sister and I for a huge chunk of our childhood. Now I can comprehend why she did it but, back then, I hated her for it. Now I feel like I wasted very valuable time being angry with her, and I regret it terribly. When you are young, your feelings are extremely impulsive to say the very least. I may have been like my Father, because I internalized a great deal of my thoughts and feelings over the years. The one thing that I didn't pick up from my Father was his critical nature. This is something I can never get around, but Mom used to try to break it down and make me understand. She was the only one who could smooth that out, but sometimes I thought that she just wanted me to swallow that garbage. That made me so angry with her, because she made it like I shouldn't be offended by that at all. I realize that she just wanted peace and harmony in the home. Whether or not that meant taking that verbal diarrhea, well so be it. Maybe she wanted me develop a thick skin where that is concerned, but I'll never really know now.
It was really hard to know what my Mother intended sometimes, for many reasons. I can write a laundry list of different occurences that left me scratching my head. Some of them seemed to work for the ones she was helping, but really didn't work out well for my little sister and I. With my older sister, well she had her family in South Jersey. She didn't really have to deal with the everyday issues. These things weren't hurtful or anything of that nature, just very inconvenient and sometimes unfair to my little sister and I. My Mother tended to get wrapped up doing things for other people, and letting some stuff fall by the wayside. I can laugh about it now but, back when we were children, it wasn't so funny. For these issues, I learned the element of forgiveness. This was not something that came natural to me. In fact, I still wrestle with it. I had to make myself realize that parents don't have a guidebook for when their children come along. I had to realize that everyone makes mistakes that maybe they can't fix, but they can take that experience, learn from it, and turn it into something positive. I know that when I'm going through stages like this, I feel such anger that I cry. Not for anything that she did, but for the fact that I should've taken more time to understand who she was as a person. Maybe it was because she was always trying to be more of a friend than a parent at times. Maybe it was because I'm just a difficult person. Truthfully both factors probably came into play. Hopefully, as time moves forward, I will be able to find peace with everything or at least try with the best of my ability. Time never really lets us know what's in store for all of us and I know that I'm no fortune teller. I will say this though, at least I'm still the master of my own destiny and hopefully my emotions and my rationale can meet halfway.
I think this is a healthy step forward in the grieving process...acknowledging these feelings--anger, sadness, happiness...they are all important steps!!
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