Retrospective and Getting Back on the Weightloss Bandwagon

 When you start something and you really mean it, you'll follow it through to the end. New habits, important habits, will replace bad trends and become a healthy way of life.  I started weight watchers last year, and so far I have lost over 60 pounds. Things lately, have plateaued. Now this can be attributed to stress.  My father went through a long bout of illness and he was hospitalized and is now in a nursing home, which brought a lot of stress on my sister, my husband, and I. The stress caused me to make poor choices when it came to eating. With this in mind, and a good hard look at the scale, I decided it was time to get back on the wagon.  So far I have lost another 5 pounds, which is good. It makes me nervous that I can easily fall back into old patterns so quickly.  It seems that it's easier to gain weight then it is to lose it and keep it off. It's like fighting a never ending battle that you think will never end.  But you have to persevere, and keep your head above water. Giving up is not an option! I know I may never look perfect, but at least I'll be as healthy as I possibly can.  I realize that on my only doing this so that I can be here and enjoy life with my husband and family. I'm really tired of being sick and tired. It was affecting and exacerbating my epilepsy to be overweight. I realize now that I have more stamina and I can do things like go to the park and hike or go to the mall and shop without feeling winded and tired within five minutes. It's a beautiful feeling that is completely freeing.  I don't want to go back to the person I was before. I want to be able to keep on a healthy path! When I think of what my mom went through, and the things that happened to her, A fear wells in me. I don't want to die from obesity.  Her life was a cautionary tale! It saddens me to even say that. Unfortunately, though, it's true. It was definitely something that became the impetus for my  weight-loss journey. So, I have to thank you mom. I miss you, but I know you'd be proud of me.

Sun Moderation

by, Denise Frame-Leitch

Summer will be here in a matter of months and, for some, it's already arrived.  Sometimes it's great to just take a long walk along the beach. I have to admit that I coat myself in bug repellent and Neutrogena Spray Sunblock first. I don't know whether a combination of the two is a good idea. I think that they should come out with a spray that encompasses both purposes. I will say this though, spray on sunblock is the best invention made for the beach and for the Summer in general. I have extremely fair skin and I have no room to tan. I'm really afraid to in the first place, because of the skin cancer factor that runs in my family. My grandmother had the issue which took of sections of her nose, and my little sister had skin cancer as well. Both of them were not even as fair I was, and I burn very quickly.

The whole tanning thing has always been taboo for me in a sense, because I never understood the whole allure of it. I can understand wanting a little color, but sometimes I think that there are people who take that to a whole new extreme. I mean there are these people who go to these tanning places and use these high powered uv tanning beds just so they can look almost orange in scale. Then when the doctor tells them that tanning raises the risk for skin cancer exponentially, they begin to fake-bake.  This makes people look like an atrocious cheese doodle. I realize that the sun releases vitamin D, which I can use, according to my doctor, but there should be some sort of limit. According to the World Health Organization, the risk of melanoma increases by 75% with the use of tanning beds.  This statistic increases for tanners in their teens and early twenties! The Food and Drug Administration wants to crack down and put more warnings on these tanning salons. Truthfully, I think that they should be shut down. They say that there is no way to have a safe tan. My sister, who wasn't even trying to tan, got skin cancer just by not using sunscreen while gardening. Sun exposure is really dangerous all the way around. According to the Palo Alto Medical Foundation, prolonged sun exposure can even lead to eye damage.

They say fair skinned people, such as myself, are the highest risk group for skin cancer, but the risk is strong for all skintones.  Truthfully, my reasons are also for vanity's sake as well.  The sun causes wrinkles and uneven skintone, so I've always used sunscreen. I've used it in my makeup as well. They say that skin cancer strikes men and women when they reach middle age.  It's extremely important to take the proper precautions. My older sister, who is an avid tanner, already has an age spot on her forehead from repeated sun and tanning bed exposure. I told her to ask her dermatologist about it, because of the skin cancer risk. Luckily, it wasn't melanoma or anything related to that type of cancer. She still tans though, and they say that it actually is a real addiction. The endorphins released from tanning contain properties that can cause addiction issues to the tanner. This might seem like a ridiculous disorder, but it is indeed real. They actually have twelve step programs that deal with this very problem. According to Derma-Doctor.com, Texas cancer specialist Richard Wagner M.D. says, "53% of all beach goers are tanning dependent..." That's more than half of everyone on the shore. Makes you wish they handed out free sunblock as a public service. People should realize that tanning can make you look healthier, but the looks will cost you health-wise. The government should put restrictions on the use of tanning beds, and force people to realize that there are extreme and possibly lethal health risks involved in those practices.

Here are a list of choices for broad spectrum sunscreens that will help protect your skin from the sun's harmful rays:

• Hawaiian Tropic Baby Stick Sunscreen SPF 50

• Baby Blanket SunBlankie Towelette SPF 45+

• Aveeno Baby Continuous Protection SPF 55

• Coppertone Water Babies Sunscreen Lotion SPF 70+

• Banana Boat Sport Performance Active Max Protect, SPF 110

• Elizabeth Arden Eight Hour Cream Sun Defense for Face, SPF 50

• Rite Aid Kids Sunscreen Spray Lotion SPF 45

• Anthony Logistics for Men Sun Stick SPF 15

• iS SPF 20 Powder Sunscreen

• Peter Thomas Roth Instant Mineral SPF 30

• Colorescience Suncanny Face Colore SPF 20

• Neutrogena Ultra Sheer Body Mist SPF 45 (pictured above)

A Fresh New Start

For many individuals, the start of the New Year heralds a blank slate.  This is an opportunity to start fresh and make a new start.  This is the chance for everyone to take the high road and shed the situations and behaviors that were holding you back.  It's the time that I feel empowered to transform into a better, more viable human being.  I relinquish all the past toxic patterns that have been useless to me.  Now I don't believe that we should only have one time a year where we realize that we need change, but it does make me feel hopeful that things can only get better.  We are all capable, as human beings, to remodel our lives, but sometimes that promise doesn't stick.  Maybe it's the promise that a new year will come or we procrastinate and say, "I'll do it eventually."  The standard resolutions such as losing weight, quitting smoking, or saving money for a house, vacation, car etc., seem to be empty promises for most people.  If you plan to take them seriously, why not start in October instead of January?

The changes from year to year seem to be halted or weighed down by hope, rather than action.  Taking advantage of the New Year occasion to pursue emotional change, intellectual advancement, and physical improvement, should be something that we can enable at any time in our lives.  Why should we feel the burden of feeling that we have to fulfill this solemn vow to change?  If we realize that our life is in our own hands and we are the authors of our own reality, we can create a new road to improving life and giving ourselves that little push that makes created goals less insurmountable and more in the realm of definite possibility.  I prefer to immerse myself in new experiences and give myself a chance by starting something completely different.  That maybe frightening for some, but I think that it gives you the push to either sink or swim.  Fill your newly patterned goals with the chance to make a difference, rather than sitting under the rock of doubt.

Just remember that you are the only one, in this world, that can banish your own chaotic situation and create a life where you can fulfill your desire to have peace and comfort.  For myself, I shall strengthen my resolve to allow the ability to maintain a better focus.  I want to be healthier physically, I want to quit smoking, and I want to have a better sense of self.  I want that for me so that I can be a better wife, sister, daughter, friend, pet mommy, etc.  If there is any lesson that I have learned from 2014; I can honestly say that life is fickle and we should never take anything that we have for granted.  We live in a life of impermanence and we should all relish in the now.  Sure things will be tough and sometimes you'll feel hopeless, but remember to find gratitude in the simplest of things.  For now I will leave you with best wishes for the coming year and the hopes that your dreams become a reality.  Happy 2015!

Morality IS a Choice

Many people associate atheism, secularism, or agnosticism with a form of nihilsm.  It as if people believe that the lack of religious beliefs removes you from morality.  By the removal of religious belief, an atheist is often categorized as “evil” or apathetic when it comes to making decisions of what is right and wrong.  Dostoevsky believed that “…if God is dead, then everything is permitted.”  Being without religious belief doesn’t leave you without the accountability for your actions.  People are subject to being “good” or “bad” without the tenents of religion for a morality lesson.  Atheism doesn’t guarantee you a pass that says you can do whatever you want.  I’m pretty sure that there are some secularists, agnostics, and atheists that do practice Nihilism, but there is always a bad apple that spoils the bunch.  These people are usually the ones that are singled out for ridicule and, therefore, put a label for all atheists, agnostics, and secularists as being without a moral code.  Morality isn’t a nursery rhyme or a parable from the bible stating how you should live.  It’s a human choice.  You have an innate ability to judge how you would like to live your life idealistically and morally.  Whether you are religious or not, you can still be selfish, violent, bigoted, and hateful.  It hasn’t stopped anyone from showing their own human flaws.  Religion doesn’t absolve you from those things.  There is no requirement that says that you need something larger, spiritually speaking, than yourself to keep humanity from wrong doing.  You have to wonder if people use religion like a lottery ticket.  You can’t win if you don’t play?  Please!  I don’t play the lottery and I don’t need to take a gamble with doctrine just so I can earn my way into “heaven”.  I do not need a divine guarantee.  I find moral quality in my vulnerability as a human living in the world.  I find solace in rational, critical decision making and the ability to relate to my fellow humans.  That is what makes us individuals, good or bad.  This doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t believe in God or whatever diety you are worshipping.  It just means that morality doesn’t need religion in order to instill a sense of accountability, charity, or good nature.

Holiday Blues

The holidays can be an especially tough time for so many people.  We all correllate the Yuletide season with decorations, feasting, and the giving of gifts.  Sometimes this season can also harken back to happy childhood memories and feel that life in the present isn't measuring up to that time in your life.  The holidays may trigger bad memories in your childhood or the feelings of grief for those you have lost.  Either way, our lives keep moving and changing in the present.  Every year, though we may think otherwise, it's a whole new ball of wax.  My new outlook is remembering to find joy in as much of the rhetoric as humanly possible.  I have been trying to let each Winter holiday be a new and enlightening experience.

My way of trying to bring the sparkle back into my holiday is to try letting go of feeling that horrible noose called obligation.  Whether it's a certain holiday get together or a holiday tradition that brings you unease, you can often get stuck and lose track of what makes you happy.  What makes you happy in the present often gets shoved back and forgotten during this time of year.  If you take the time to figure out what makes you feel joyful and exercise that, you will have a much better time of it.

When I get toward this time of year, I try to sort out all of the things that give me such a hard time.  If it's memories that you associate with departed loved ones or just the feeling of panic when I have to be around a large crowd of people.  I look for the triggers, so that I can avoid them.  I often think it would be a good time to go on a relaxing vacation during this time of year.  It's as if that is the magic golden ticket that I never really cash in.  Maybe that seems like avoidance, but it seems more like paradise to me.  Paradise would be a nice meal rather than spending a kings ransom on gifts every holiday.

This year I have decided to inject new memories with my husband, my pets, my sisters, and my family, but remember that I am a person with needs as well.  Making sure that stress won't occur may feel insurmountable, but working in some good times can definitely take some of the pressure off and give you some much needed confidence.  It can also lessen up on the frown and worry lines.  I'm going to remember that it's not about stress or gift giving; it's about experiencing the peace and joy of the season.

New Year New Blog, For a While

Since my academic pursuits are on hold for a semester, I thought that I would put my writings on Tumblr.  I have had this account for sometime, but have neglected to use it.  Finally I feel it's the right time to dust off the moth balls and use that venue for a while.  This blog is called Confessions of a Housewife and you can read it by clicking here.  I hope that everyone is a having a great start to 2012 and I hope that you will all join me in reading my essays and musings on Tumblr.

Sometimes It's Difficult

Did you ever get the feeling that no matter how far you claw yourself out of the abyss, someone is there ready and willing to push you back in?  Lately one particular person seems to make everything very difficult, even if he isn't doing it deliberately.  It just depresses me, because there is nothing I can do to make things improve.  I'm afraid to see how things will be when he'll have more responsibilities over his living situation.  All I know is that I'm tired mentally and physically.  I shouldn't be this tense and sad near the holidays.  That's all I have for today.

The Last Day

Today is the last day that I will be stepping into a classroom here on campus.  I've finally dealt with all of the obstacles that have been in my way toward graduation.  I've been able to build confidence in my study efforts for my final exam and I'm just ready to move on to greener pastures.  For a long time, I thought that I would only have the option of being a teacher, but I am realizing that I shouldn't sell myself short.  I've decided to find out about the communications program at Kean University in Union for the Autumnal Semester.  I love radio and I'm willing to learn about all the aspects dealing with the industry.  I know that it may be a fading market for some formats, but I am still eager to find my way.  Am I concerned about heading into my forties?  Of course I am!  I won't let that stop me from doing what I have always dreamed.

For a very long time, I felt as if I had nothing to offer as a person.  I felt deprived of education and I felt like I lacked the intelligence to do much of anything with my life.  There wasn't anyone to blame for that situation but me.  The feelings of inadequacy made me feel depressed and worthless.  When my husband decided to go back to school, that's when I began to summon up the courage to apply for classes myself.  Of course that was a while back.  Because of scheduling, health, and family matters, there were times when school was put on hold, but I went back to classes as soon as possible.  I am hoping against hope that I won't have any trouble attending Kean.  I have always wanted to go on to a better school, and since Kean University is a state school, I will be paying less money.  Very excited to see how things turn out!  Missing a semester will be tough, but I do my best to get through it.

My Holiday Feelings

 (If you do not agree with certain things that I mention in this essay, then I apologize)

Lately I have been thinking about the holidays.  I realize that this is supposed to be the "Season of Giving," but why do we have to succumb to all of these advertisements and spent such grandiose, obscene amounts of money?  I've always wondered if, rather than giving lavish gifts or any gifts at all, having a family meal or a potluck dinner where everyone shares their favorite dish instead.  It just seems that we tag this line drive of over-consumerism, rather than just enjoying the season of having friends and family together for one day.  If we did something like that, maybe people wouldn't look at their credit card statements with such disgust.  We could actually take the money we would have spent on presents and place it into a savings account.  It is kind of like being your own cog in the wheel of your financial future.  I mean that in a good way.  I'm paying down all of my credit card bills and I know that lavish gifts are a thing of the past.  I would rather cook or bake for my family and friends.  I would rather spend valuable, quality time with them.  To me, that is so much more important than a gift that may or may not be returned.

I have, in a more recent sense, equated this time of year in a very dim sort of light.  I have to say that I am not Christmas' biggest fan.  This is for more of the secular aspects than the religious aspects on their own.  The season always makes me feel worse about my own life.  Christmas was my Mother's holiday and she was the one that brought everyone together for the celebration.  After she died a year ago, I felt even more like the Grinch about the whole issue.  There isn't anything wrong with those who enjoy the meaning of the Christmas holiday celebration and, if you can believe it, I envy that festive nature.  I try my best to do nice things to remind myself that the Yuletide season is meant to find joy for your good deeds.  I've also tried to remind myself that this celebration helps to sustain you through the long, cold Winter.  This year, I decided to do the more traditional aspects of the holiday.  I decorated the tree, filled out the greeting cards, watched some classic holiday films, and even did some of my shopping.  With shopping, I kept everything to a minimum and I realized you can purchase great items for very reasonable prices just by comparison shopping.  I love the scan bar app on my Android phone, because it really comes in handy during this time of year.

Maybe this year will be different than past years.  Maybe I will find some sort of grace out of the whole situation.  Grace may be pushing it, being that I am a free-thinker and have no religious denomination whatsoever.  I guess I should call it a secular epiphany.  We'll see how that goes.  I've been looking at my holiday tree and smiling lately.  It reminds me of all the holiday celebrations that I have hosted over the years and all of the memories that my husband and I accrued during our sixteen year marriage.  It also reminds me of some of the losses that we have had over the years, but the holidays are always bittersweet that way.  My favorite part of the holiday and probably the only thing I really love is egg nog.  I love making my egg nog with a little Southern Comfort and a grate of nutmeg.  Yum!  Right now, as part of my holiday season, I am reminding myself about how lucky I am for the blessings in my life.  I have a wonderful husband, a roof over my head, two wonderful sisters, my Dad, my sweet furry babies (a.k.a my pets), and my friends.  I'm lucky enough to be graduating from school this December and getting into Kean University in Union if all goes well.  My graduation was put off for family reasons.

The holidays are a time where you find tolerance for one another, compassion for those around you, exercise selflessness, and find gratitude.  I'm learning that to relieve stress, during one of the most stressful times of the year, is to enjoy the company of your loved ones.  They say that clinging on to the spirit of the holidays helps to sustain you throughout the year.  Maybe we need to reflect on the joy of the holidays as a child.  That spirit is so pure, especially the anticipation alone.  When you are a child, the holidays seem so magical.  You have Santa and the treasure trove of gifts.  I never realized how lucky my sister and me were during those times in our lives.  Now I mark this time of year, by giving a book to a needy child every year.  Now that the holidays are just around the bend, I'm preparing myself for the occasion and trying to lessen the feelings of obligation.  I want this holiday to remind me of where I came from, why I am the way that I am, and how much I really appreciate the bond I have with my family.  I think that this is the true meaning of the season for me personally.  If you can get around the holiday obstacles, which can include arguments, I think you can actually find the whole experience quite rewarding and enjoyable.

Math Anxiety

When you think of being frightened or having a phobia, a fear of heights or a fear of being closed in or claustrophobia are the first ones that come to mind.  Common fears such as a stage fright or a fear of public speaking are, also, notorious.  There is another fear that is just as common, if not more common than most fears, and that is math anxiety.  With math anxiety, even calculating your grades or the tip for a pizza delivery bill may feel like a tedious task.  Math anxiety is an intense emotional feeling of fear that a person has about their ability to understand and work with mathematics. (Texas State University)  This can be confused with test anxiety, which is a fear of taking a subject examination.  According to the WY Math Project, “Anxiety comes in two forms: Somatic and Cognitive.” (Western Wyoming Community College)  Those who are affected by math anxiety can suffer with one or more of these forms.

When I would deal with Math as a subject, especially when I was in high school and even in my college years, I found myself increasingly convinced that I could not pass through any math course.  No matter how much I would study or how much time I would put into the work, I would choke at test time.  This began for me as a young child in elementary school.  I was the type of student who excelled at English or Reading studies, but fell short when it came to Mathematics.  My teachers put me into resource to see if that would bolster my confidence.  When I was older, I would go to tutors to try and alleviate the issue.  I still dealt with the same stumbling blocks.  Making friends with Math, in my opinion, is the most challenging task in the world.  To me, learning mathematics, especially algebra, was like learning a second language.

Attempting to remedy the problem of math anxiety can be an obstacle-ridden process.  A student may feel helpless or hopeless just attempting to finish their homework assignments.  This can cause that student to refrain from doing the work altogether, because the task feels insurmountable.  When test time arrives, the feelings increase and can cause an intense feeling of panic.  A student may even freeze up at test time, making them unable to complete the examination.  This can result in the student handing in an unfinished test, because they couldn’t find the courage to complete the work or even forgot some of the mechanics due to stress.  The student can end up dropping the class or suffer with the effects on their GPA, which feels even worse.

Math anxiety can actually come from a lack of preparedness for homework or tests.  When they say, “…practice makes perfect…” it’s true.  Another cause of math anxiety comes from thoughts of being unintelligent, along with a fear of being obvious, especially if they are called on in class and have the wrong answer.  A feeling of ineptitude can lead to patterns of negative self-talk, panic, and can even lead to depression when you are unable to finish a problem or an equation.  The loss of confidence is the chief cause of math anxiety.  Learning to realize that you can ask for help and educate yourself from your mistakes, is a very important asset in overcoming your fear.

To begin to cope with the feelings of math anxiety, you have to believe in yourself first and foremost.  Staying assured that you can do the work and carrying a positive mental attitude is the first step of coping with the perils of math anxiety.  Another step is talking and asking questions about the math work to your instructors.  They are a resource that is provided to help you to work through the steps of your math problems.  It may feel embarrassing to ask for help, but another step is staying convinced that it’s not wrong to learn through inquiry.  Having your instructor explain the problems and equations can save you a trip to the tutor and make you feel better about the classroom environment.

 

If you look at the problems that are easiest first, whether it’s on a test or in your homework and classwork, then you can move your difficulty level up gradually.  This is a really beneficial step in removing some of the fear of the math problems.  Another step that can help you with math anxiety is keeping up with the classwork.  Staying current on the classwork and homework can keep the math concepts fresh in your mind and creates a solid foundation to work from when you study. (Woods)  This can also help when you move on to more complex math courses.  There can be different approaches to solving an equation or problem, which can help your execution of the work. (Texas State University)  Learning from making mistakes early on can help you during test time.  Practicing the math can help you avoid wrong answers when exams arrive.  According Dave Woods, Associate Professor of Mathematics at Austin County College, maintains that, “If you come into an exam with a feeling of preparedness you will be less likely to experience the physical effects of anxiety.” (Woods)

Sometimes you forget that you use math every day, but practicality never really enters the picture for those who suffer from math anxiety.  I still have to remind myself that it is not very complicated.  Though I have improved my math skills somewhat, I still find myself slipping backwards.  Trying to learn from those feelings and realize when you have those triggers gives you the chance to overcome them and relax about the work.  Math is not the most difficult subject in the world and I feel the need to take a deep breath.  If you just make an effort, you can see where you can improve on mistakes and excel without worries.

References:

"Math Anxiety." Counseling Center. Texas State University at San Marcos, 2011. Web. 10 Dec 2011. .

Woods, Dave, ed. "Coping with Math Anxiety." . Austin County College, 2011. Web. 10 Dec 2011. .

"What is Math Anxiety?." WY Math Project. Western Wyoming Community College, 2011. Web. 10 Dec 2011. .

 

Life on the Homefront, College Life and Planning for Afterward

So I decided to sign up for a transfer seminar.  I'm graduating and I was agonizing over my GPA, so I went to the Advising Dept. at the college for options.  I was really looking forward to being a student at GCU this Autumn, but then certain events my Father created put a wrench in those plans.  Now I have to find a new school to attend and that has to coordinate with where I will be in the seven months.  I'm starting to feel the stress but, at the same time, I feel happy that I am accomplishing something.  My GPA is ample and I feel comfortable enough that I will find a decent school to fit my future.  I spoke to the adviser and told her that I was concerned about whether or not teaching was for me.  I was pleased to be reassured that I could find a four year college that would take me and I could hit the ground running with communications courses right through a school such as that.  I'm still nervous, but I still feel that I should do something that makes me happy.  Teaching, while that is something that I know I can do, won't make me feel whole.  I know that may not make sense, but I can't put it any plainer.  My heart says that radio or some form of communication work is the answer. 

My husband is still working on his certifications and graphic design classes at Kean University.  I can't help feeling that I would be denying his happiness if I pushed through to another school too soon.  That's another obstacle that stands in my way right now.  He can't be with me during the Transfer Fair on Thursday, because he has to be in class.  Hopefully I will get some good information on some schools that can accommodate my major.  The transfer seminar will be even more helpful in that department, because I can get a feel for the process.  When I move again, I will have to find a school closer to my destination.  That's one of the key factors that plays into this as well.  My husband is very apprehensive about discussing this with me and I really don't know why.  The only reason I can fathom is that he's worried his classwork won't transfer to another program. 

Right now I am just working hard to get through Statistics.  I have a great professor, which I had last semester, and so far everything is going smoothly.  I had my first quarterly exam and passed it.  Being that I only have the one course this semester, I can put all of my concentration on the mathematics.  I don't feel so much pressure from a huge course load on top of it.  I can work on some things at home and, also, work on moving forward with a clearer head.  I've been reading a great deal in my leisure time, which has been wonderful.  I've also been watching a ton of movies and tv series.  I have found the beauty of Netflix and decided against subscribing to cable television when I moved at the end of the Summer.  I have the internet for news and weather, plus my phone has that capability also.  What is the point of having cable?  I watch movies on my flat-screen and my computer with my large flat-screen monitor, so I don't see the point of spending all that money for Optimum.  Besides, Cablevision sucks ass to begin with!

My husband and I are preparing for a visit from his Mother Linda and her fiance Andrew this week.  I am so happy for both of them.  I can't wait to see the both of them.  They are bringing their dogs, Dolly and Earl.  My cats are going to be in culture shock, although I think Stubby really won't care.  It's the girls that will be out of sorts.  My dog Ophelia, who is more than sixteen years old, is pretty much well-adjusted to everything.  We are preparing the third bedroom for them and hopefully everything will be ready by the end of the week.  We are still working on improvements around the house bit by bit, just to make things comfortable.  We've got most of our things unpacked, but I want to get some of my books on the shelves.  Things will happen as they should.  Well I'm going back to reading Saving Fish from Drowning by Amy Tan.  I will write more again soon.  Have a great beginning to your Autumnal Season!  Love you all :)

9/11 Ten Years Later

It's been ten years since that day and I can still recall seeing the news with perfect clarity.  My mind recalls the horror and tragedy that flashed across the screen for everyone to see.  It was heartbreaking, terrifying, and it made you realize the fragility of the human condition.  That day so many people came together for one cause selflessly and with the hope of saving as many people as they possibly could.  There had never been something of this magnitude so close to home and an indelible mark had been made. 

Even though our country commanded war in the wake of this event, we still have to live with the loss.  The only way to honor the ten years after this day is to remember the friends, loved ones, and those who tried to save those people.  Fighting violence with violence will never bring them back.  It's the memories, love, and gratitude that will live on in our hearts forever.  Remember that we should hope against hope that the troops, who are fighting this war, find their way home safely.  Remember that we can be a peaceful nation once more.

Back to School; Back to School :)

My Summer seemed very abbreviated this year, but I really don't mind.  If there was anything that I've been craving, it's been Autumn semester.  There are still reservations as to how things will turn out, but I am matriculating after this semester.  I picked up applications for a different university.  I was going to attend Georgian Court University, but with everything changing so fast this Summer, I didn't have time to take my last course during the quick term.  I've decided to look into Kean University, not just for the convenience of travel, but the reduction of price per credit.  I can't say what quality the education will be in their teaching programs, but you never know.  This isn't the only school that I am going to look into, but it's the first one after ruling out GCU.

I have been as intrepid as possible when it comes to finishing this part of my degree, but certain points have been a bit tedious due to personal circumstances.  I can complain and say, 'It's not fair; why me?"  How is that really accomplishing anything?  It's just crying over spilled milk.  So I am taking my Statistics course and enjoying my time on campus again.  If I go to Kean University, I can work the radio station as well.  That's also a bonus.  Another avenue for me is getting my degree and then going to Brookdale College to take some communications courses and move forward toward radio and promotion studies.  Choices, choices for me, but I have some time to think about it.  I may also choose a college in another state.  My husband and me want to move out of New Jersey, because of the expense of living here.

My husband is currently working and completing his design certifications.  Truthfully, I have no idea how he accomplish both without collapsing.  The poor man looks so dog tired by the end of the day.  He is the sweetest, most hard working man I have ever met in my entire life.  We've been married for what will be sixteen years on September 23rd of this year, and this December 24th for 19 years total.  We've seen each other through some really tough times, and he's seen me through my lowest points.  I couldn't ask for a better man.  Everything we do, we do for each other.  So really my choice of vocation has to be right for both us.  So, I have a bit of soul searching to do this Fall.  I'm giving myself give less than five months to prepare for the next step. 

When I started to set up the plans to go to GCU, I was really earnest about going.  Things seemed sure and I thought that was going to be part of my future.  It's amazing how prepared you have to be for change.  I am not upset at all anymore but, at first, I admit disappointment.  When I found that I wanted to move and that certain opportunities arose that I was silly not to take, I had to ask myself, "Was I going to move to a nicer home or stay in a smaller one.  So I put off the expensive education and the one class that would push me to graduation, and I feel like I can breathe a bit.  I will file for graduation this November.  Things will land as they should and I'm not going to stress over it all.  I will write about my experiences as they progress.  It's definitely going to be an adventure.  Especially if I move out of state.  Ha!

Why? LOL

Well I guess Lady Gaga was bored so she decided to dress up like Prince for an early Halloween look on the VMA's. I guess the meat dress wasn't enough LOL!  She looks like an ugly derelict dude.  Was this supposed to carry some message?  I have to say that I usually find her work creative, although most of it has been done by other artists in the 80's and 70's.  Even one of the Theirry Mugler costumes in Bad Romance was used in a George Michael video from the early 90's.  I liked her use of shock value along with her singing voice.  This is a bit confusing and I have to say, so was the pastrami dress,  

Moving On

There have been so many times in my life where I felt as if I were spinning the proverbial wheels in the mud and really not moving forward at all.   Finally it seems that I'm advancing.  I've moved, I'm finishing the first part of my degree, and I'm consider the next chapter of my life.  I used to find these whimsical little or  no so little amusements that made me happy for a very long time because, let's face it, I was a very sad woman for a very long time.  There were many different points in my life that left me discouraged and completely devoid of any value.  Sometimes it was entertaining sometimes very frivolous and maybe costly outings that made me forget what was going on at home.  I have a wonderful husband who was caring enough to let me do those things, but there were times that I probably shouldn't have.  It wasn't just the loss of my mother that threw me, even though it wasn't easy.  It was a series of things over many, many years that really sank my self-esteem into the swamp.  

Sometimes you have to wonder who your friends are too.  You can surround yourself with people who call themselves that, but that is definitely subject to scrutiny.  Many' many times I can remember trying to buffer my depression with people who really didn't give a flying fuck about me.  People that I had extended the olive branch to without thinking twice.  The weird thing is that I'm not bitter about that.  I find it to be an incredible learning experience.  Some of these people still chat with me on the internet, but they never pick up a phone to call me or anything like that.  Very few people are part of my life that way lately.  Part of that is moving as well, not so much enforced isolation.  No matter what anyone tells you, you cannot boost your self-esteem by the amount of friends you acquire.  I definitely think that it's being happy about what you do everyday.  Having friends to share that with, well that's nice too as long as the playing field is equal.

Now that I am progressing and moving on, I'm thinking about doing something that I kind of kicked to the corner.  I think that I'm going to take some more communications courses.  I wasn't going to do that, but I really think that I would be cheating myself if I didn't.  I want to be happy for once in my life.  Radio makes me happy and I'm not going to short change myself.  I will always have the background to take the teaching courses as well, and if I have to I can fall back into that course of study.  So I'm not afraid about that.really.  We'll see where life takes me.  I love music, and I want to make that part of my life.  Doing college radio was so much fun and I realized that I wanted to make that my career.  I would even settle working behind the scenes.  It's just a great industry that I really want to be a part of.  I think with the satellite radio boom, there has been growth in the industry in that sense, but who knows the fate of FM radio.

Catchin' Up

This whole Summer I have been unable to write.  I feel as if I am stifled.  Things have been complicated, some due to impending residence change, but mostly for my clack of inspiration.  I have to say that this isn't the easiest of Summers for me.  My life has been conflicted by the incompetence of my own parent, not due to illness, because of his poor planning and his presumptions that someone else will always take care of him.  You'd think he was 80 years old, but he's just 65 and without life skills.  My husband and myself are going through a challenging period whereas we want to move out of New Jersey in five months.  This means that we both need to secure new employment and a new residence, as well as a new neurologist to deal with my medical conditions.  I need to leave so many things behind and remove some pressures, therefore removing the need for tranquilizers.  My father and other elements really give me anxiety.  All I want to do is find some peace and some happiness for me and my husband.  I don't think that's too tall of an order.  I'm going to take a deep breath, think positive thoughts, and make our dreams a reality. 

Mixed Feelings (A Mobile Blog)

You get this picture in your mind of how life should be working, especially when you reach a certain age, and something never goes according to your plans. Lately, I have been wondering if my direction was correct.  You get to a point where you think that all of your ducks have to be a row.  I have definitely hit that stage in life.  I've always been the type to support the dreams and choices of those I care about, and I've never really put much thought into what I really needed.  I have a loving relationship and friendship with my wonderful husband Donald, and that is perfect.  My family life, outside of my husband and his family, hasn't been all roses, but I've always known what I've had to deal with.  They've all had their goals and dreams, and sometimes I put myself aside so they could have them.  Now, I believe it's my turn.  I have been a bit saddened by the postponement of my work toward a teaching degree, but I realize that there are other things that need to come first.  After Fall semester and two classes I'm taking to stay "in the loop," I'm finally getting my time.  I want to state that sometimes you have to be a little selfish, because everyone needs "their time."   When my mother, sister, and father were living their lives, I took care of my great aunt who suffered with Alzheimer's disease.  My husband was the only one who helped me during those seven years.  The only problem is you get knocked down during times like that, and my husband and I were knocked down in many other situations since.  It's like you are in this trench that prevents you from clawing your way out.  I get so frustrated that I cry over it, but I try not to feel defeated.  Lately my life is a series of revolving doors and I can't seem to stop spinning through them or watch other people leave.  That same theory applies to other aspects of my life as well.  Maybe I need to take the chance and let the chips fall where they may sometimes, but what if I fail?  I feel that, at my age, it's not an option.  I need to have some kind of structure or stability.  This is not just for me, but for my husband as well.  Over the last year, the rug has been yanked out from under me.  I don't think that I can ever trust that things will work out perfectly, in any respect, again.  I want to change that perspective, but it's not happening for me.  Who knows what can happen in a couple months or even a few months.  It just seems like everything is a gamble.  I want to go to school and I want enjoy the rest of my life with Don, but I don't want worry at every turn.  I think that at 39, my husband and I deserve that.  I want to do for myself, but my life seems to block things or, at least, make it hard to make good things happen. 

As Time Goes By (A Mobile Blog)

This is a different kind of post when it comes to remembering, because I am a realist.  With that in mind, please take the time to bear with me....

It has been a year since I've lost the presence of my mother to her death.  Things have been different in many ways and in some ways I've changed how I view loss. At first I grappled with the notion that it was her time and that some cosmic force, over and above myself, dictated the cessation of her life.  This kind of took my already conflicted and angry view of that angle to an even more incensed level than usual.  I was, "...angry at God for his poor timing and selfish removal of a loved one."  I then began to work myself past this phase of my grief after retracing the steps of how my mother decided to live her life.  The realization of her recklessness appeared to me like a rude comment.  A thought began to revolve in my brain, which said plainly, "Your mother's plans really had no regard for your family; she was out for herself."  This made me so angry and I began to cry out of frustration over not seeing this before it was much too late.  She never took care of herself medically and left everyone out of loop, plus she never plan for my father's financial future.  She just died once she stopped working with the hope that someone would take care of her in the manner that she had expected. 

Even though I loved and respected my mother on many levels, this was presumptuous and a shot in the dark.  This was the same poor planning that both grandmother and great aunt exercised when they met their ends.  Is this because they felt that they had taken care of someone else all of their lives and they had some sort of entitlement?  If that is the case, wouldn't that have been presented in a clearer context.  The only guess I can make is that they didn't want any room for objection when it came to their "plans."  What my mother failed to realize or, at least, failed to care about, was my father's ability to live life independently.  This angered me more than anything else, because it leaves me and my sister with the difficult task of finding a way to make my Dad capable of living his own life.  I shouldn't let this turn into resentment but, unfortunately, that is the obstacle that I am fraught with at this particular moment.

It's funny though, because I've been dreaming about her recently.  It took me a year to let those thoughts to enter my subconscious, but now they've planted themselves there.  Mom makes little cameos here and there within my dreams and I'm not particularly sure whether or not it's her voice that I'm hearing.  The facial features are the one distinguishing giveaway when it comes to her character.  I have wondered whether or not this was my way of finding some solace when it came to her memory.  I have also wondered if this was my psyche's way of working out some plan to forgive her.  Aside from one dream that she was presented in, she came through in a nonthreatening manner.  The one dream or nightmare, if you will, consisted of someone choking me to death.  Not sure what that meant, but I can only say that it we completely and utterly terrifying to say the least.  Maybe I shouldn't eat close to bedtime.  Ha! 


Aside from most of my feelings, I have a deep sense of regret and a void that is incapable of being filled.   Sometimes I long to tell my mother about the good things that occur in my life, such as my grades or my impending graduation, and she isn't there to listen, to hug me or congratulate me.  When I was laden with doubt and needed someone to comfort me, she was absent from my life.  I couldn't laugh with her or go to a movie with her.  I even miss the occasional argument, as frustrating and unintelligent as they may have been.  She used to relish in the notion that she was always correct in her assumptions and maybe that was part of the reason her life was all too brief.  I'm beginning to think that she may have felt some kind of invincibility or at least some measure thereof.  I'll never be able to answer all of the questions that surround the incident that occurred a year ago.  Life is funny, because in one breath you think someone is the rock in your life and in the next they've disappeared like mist in the hot sunlight.  Hopefully I can reconcile with most of my emotions and, even though it will always be uncomfortable, I will find some measure of peace.  I miss you Mom.  I wish you had taken the time to realize how important life is and that giving up shouldn't have been part of the outline. 

Intrepidness and Bravery: I Need Both

Giving my life a great deal of thought, I'm still concerned about whether or not it's going in the right direction. I have never taken a risk and I think that's part of my problem. I'm stepping through a new door in August and I can't wait to hang that diploma on the wall over my desk. This is an English degree, with a minor in psychology. I wish that I could just pack a suitcase this Summer and, rather than taking two courses, go to Spain for two weeks with the husband.Unfortunately, I haven't got the money to travel like that and the mathematics courses are a necessity.
I wish I had travelled more in my life, but that will happen for me.  I just know it.  I'm basically nervous about money, which inhibits anything adventurous for me. So, many people I know travel around the country and some even for concerts.  I've done that a couple times, although not terribly far for a concert. The furthest my husband and I have gone was Connecticut.  Maybe one day I'll travel for a Richard Marx show or a Keith Urban show sometime in the near future.  Maybe I will even have a more exciting reason for embarking on a trip. 

Maybe I shouldn't be afraid of my future.  Maybe I shouldn't be afraid at all.  I should be brave and know that anything is possible.  I still have a lot of life ahead of me.  At least I think so.  I just wish that I wasn't constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I have to learn to enjoy life for all its bumps and obstacles.  This June is the hurdle of so many things, but when it passes, I can take a very deep breath and move on to something more interesting. 

Will I Ever Love This Month (A Mobile Blog)

Lately I've been thinking a great deal about the year that's passed. There are so many events that I'm proud of, those I wish never happened, and those that fell under the category of "nature's will." I've thought about my dealings with grief, my thoughts of my mother, school, friendly relationships, and the way I deal with my father and my sisters. I realize now how much of a rock Don, my husband, is in my life. The unstable ground that own parents treaded on for most of their lives and the crap that my mother left in her wake. Though I loved my mother dearly, her planning and feelings toward the aftereffects of her reckless lifestyle were more than immature. I'm not the picture of fiscal intelligence, but at least my husband and I are responsible individuals. My father's tackling of mere simple tasks, which I had no idea that he was clueless about, never seem to be accomplished and if I told you what those were, you wouldn't believe that someone could be that careless. When it comes to me, I'm trying to foster as much change in my life as possible. Some of this is to distance my self from that situation and some of it is to finally have an accomplishment and a life that is truly mine. I had radio, which I will always miss and I even briefly thought of communications, but it's not realistic for me at all. At least I don't think that really will be the right avenue to take. Honestly, once my husband and I find our way, I want to move as far away from my family as possible. I'm not talking about Donald's really. It's not that I do not love them, but I need some distance between us. It will improve our relationship significantly. As the anniversary of my mother's demise approaches, I can't help feeling happy that the start of my classes follows it. My life moves; my life moves on and my resentment will drain away. I will begin anew. I want to start think that June 29th is the date that my second shoe dropped and my life turned for the better. Would my mother have wanted it that way, who knows? I could never gauge that. My sister carries her ashed remains in an urn in her basement and I don't believe or at least I can't wrap my mind around an afterlife. I'm too much of a realist and I guess I find myself as one of those people who only believes in what they see. I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. I feel that if religion brings comfort to someone, they have every right to incorporate that practice into their lives and I have no room to judge them. I digress because, for some maudlin, ridiculous, reason, my sister is clinging on to my mother's remains instead of letting her go. I guess we have different ways of viewing life. I want to end some conditions this month and move on. I want to feel whole again and feel happy instead of broken. This month I gave up Facebook, not because I hated it or the people, but to enjoy a free life writing, reading, and facing people in the outside world instead of photographs on the internet or a player in a video game. I don't mind Tweeting, because honestly, it's less of a distraction. Twitter gives me links to the New York Times and other periodicals, and doesn't act merely in social ways. I'm away from my desk. This is another part of June that is different and new. Now I barely turn the computer on. Even now, I am writing from my Android phone. Believe it or not, once school starts, I may go back to it. Right now I am enjoying the freedom of being away from some prying eyes and the ability to share my writings on here alone. Hopefully, during this month, more prolific essays will emerge, but we'll see. In the meantime, I'm enjoy the Summer-like days that early June brings. I bid everyone a Happy Summer filled with sunshine, health, prosperity, and fun most of all!

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