Mixed Feelings (A Mobile Blog)

You get this picture in your mind of how life should be working, especially when you reach a certain age, and something never goes according to your plans. Lately, I have been wondering if my direction was correct.  You get to a point where you think that all of your ducks have to be a row.  I have definitely hit that stage in life.  I've always been the type to support the dreams and choices of those I care about, and I've never really put much thought into what I really needed.  I have a loving relationship and friendship with my wonderful husband Donald, and that is perfect.  My family life, outside of my husband and his family, hasn't been all roses, but I've always known what I've had to deal with.  They've all had their goals and dreams, and sometimes I put myself aside so they could have them.  Now, I believe it's my turn.  I have been a bit saddened by the postponement of my work toward a teaching degree, but I realize that there are other things that need to come first.  After Fall semester and two classes I'm taking to stay "in the loop," I'm finally getting my time.  I want to state that sometimes you have to be a little selfish, because everyone needs "their time."   When my mother, sister, and father were living their lives, I took care of my great aunt who suffered with Alzheimer's disease.  My husband was the only one who helped me during those seven years.  The only problem is you get knocked down during times like that, and my husband and I were knocked down in many other situations since.  It's like you are in this trench that prevents you from clawing your way out.  I get so frustrated that I cry over it, but I try not to feel defeated.  Lately my life is a series of revolving doors and I can't seem to stop spinning through them or watch other people leave.  That same theory applies to other aspects of my life as well.  Maybe I need to take the chance and let the chips fall where they may sometimes, but what if I fail?  I feel that, at my age, it's not an option.  I need to have some kind of structure or stability.  This is not just for me, but for my husband as well.  Over the last year, the rug has been yanked out from under me.  I don't think that I can ever trust that things will work out perfectly, in any respect, again.  I want to change that perspective, but it's not happening for me.  Who knows what can happen in a couple months or even a few months.  It just seems like everything is a gamble.  I want to go to school and I want enjoy the rest of my life with Don, but I don't want worry at every turn.  I think that at 39, my husband and I deserve that.  I want to do for myself, but my life seems to block things or, at least, make it hard to make good things happen.