Why? LOL

Well I guess Lady Gaga was bored so she decided to dress up like Prince for an early Halloween look on the VMA's. I guess the meat dress wasn't enough LOL!  She looks like an ugly derelict dude.  Was this supposed to carry some message?  I have to say that I usually find her work creative, although most of it has been done by other artists in the 80's and 70's.  Even one of the Theirry Mugler costumes in Bad Romance was used in a George Michael video from the early 90's.  I liked her use of shock value along with her singing voice.  This is a bit confusing and I have to say, so was the pastrami dress,  

Moving On

There have been so many times in my life where I felt as if I were spinning the proverbial wheels in the mud and really not moving forward at all.   Finally it seems that I'm advancing.  I've moved, I'm finishing the first part of my degree, and I'm consider the next chapter of my life.  I used to find these whimsical little or  no so little amusements that made me happy for a very long time because, let's face it, I was a very sad woman for a very long time.  There were many different points in my life that left me discouraged and completely devoid of any value.  Sometimes it was entertaining sometimes very frivolous and maybe costly outings that made me forget what was going on at home.  I have a wonderful husband who was caring enough to let me do those things, but there were times that I probably shouldn't have.  It wasn't just the loss of my mother that threw me, even though it wasn't easy.  It was a series of things over many, many years that really sank my self-esteem into the swamp.  

Sometimes you have to wonder who your friends are too.  You can surround yourself with people who call themselves that, but that is definitely subject to scrutiny.  Many' many times I can remember trying to buffer my depression with people who really didn't give a flying fuck about me.  People that I had extended the olive branch to without thinking twice.  The weird thing is that I'm not bitter about that.  I find it to be an incredible learning experience.  Some of these people still chat with me on the internet, but they never pick up a phone to call me or anything like that.  Very few people are part of my life that way lately.  Part of that is moving as well, not so much enforced isolation.  No matter what anyone tells you, you cannot boost your self-esteem by the amount of friends you acquire.  I definitely think that it's being happy about what you do everyday.  Having friends to share that with, well that's nice too as long as the playing field is equal.

Now that I am progressing and moving on, I'm thinking about doing something that I kind of kicked to the corner.  I think that I'm going to take some more communications courses.  I wasn't going to do that, but I really think that I would be cheating myself if I didn't.  I want to be happy for once in my life.  Radio makes me happy and I'm not going to short change myself.  I will always have the background to take the teaching courses as well, and if I have to I can fall back into that course of study.  So I'm not afraid about that.really.  We'll see where life takes me.  I love music, and I want to make that part of my life.  Doing college radio was so much fun and I realized that I wanted to make that my career.  I would even settle working behind the scenes.  It's just a great industry that I really want to be a part of.  I think with the satellite radio boom, there has been growth in the industry in that sense, but who knows the fate of FM radio.

Catchin' Up

This whole Summer I have been unable to write.  I feel as if I am stifled.  Things have been complicated, some due to impending residence change, but mostly for my clack of inspiration.  I have to say that this isn't the easiest of Summers for me.  My life has been conflicted by the incompetence of my own parent, not due to illness, because of his poor planning and his presumptions that someone else will always take care of him.  You'd think he was 80 years old, but he's just 65 and without life skills.  My husband and myself are going through a challenging period whereas we want to move out of New Jersey in five months.  This means that we both need to secure new employment and a new residence, as well as a new neurologist to deal with my medical conditions.  I need to leave so many things behind and remove some pressures, therefore removing the need for tranquilizers.  My father and other elements really give me anxiety.  All I want to do is find some peace and some happiness for me and my husband.  I don't think that's too tall of an order.  I'm going to take a deep breath, think positive thoughts, and make our dreams a reality. 

Mixed Feelings (A Mobile Blog)

You get this picture in your mind of how life should be working, especially when you reach a certain age, and something never goes according to your plans. Lately, I have been wondering if my direction was correct.  You get to a point where you think that all of your ducks have to be a row.  I have definitely hit that stage in life.  I've always been the type to support the dreams and choices of those I care about, and I've never really put much thought into what I really needed.  I have a loving relationship and friendship with my wonderful husband Donald, and that is perfect.  My family life, outside of my husband and his family, hasn't been all roses, but I've always known what I've had to deal with.  They've all had their goals and dreams, and sometimes I put myself aside so they could have them.  Now, I believe it's my turn.  I have been a bit saddened by the postponement of my work toward a teaching degree, but I realize that there are other things that need to come first.  After Fall semester and two classes I'm taking to stay "in the loop," I'm finally getting my time.  I want to state that sometimes you have to be a little selfish, because everyone needs "their time."   When my mother, sister, and father were living their lives, I took care of my great aunt who suffered with Alzheimer's disease.  My husband was the only one who helped me during those seven years.  The only problem is you get knocked down during times like that, and my husband and I were knocked down in many other situations since.  It's like you are in this trench that prevents you from clawing your way out.  I get so frustrated that I cry over it, but I try not to feel defeated.  Lately my life is a series of revolving doors and I can't seem to stop spinning through them or watch other people leave.  That same theory applies to other aspects of my life as well.  Maybe I need to take the chance and let the chips fall where they may sometimes, but what if I fail?  I feel that, at my age, it's not an option.  I need to have some kind of structure or stability.  This is not just for me, but for my husband as well.  Over the last year, the rug has been yanked out from under me.  I don't think that I can ever trust that things will work out perfectly, in any respect, again.  I want to change that perspective, but it's not happening for me.  Who knows what can happen in a couple months or even a few months.  It just seems like everything is a gamble.  I want to go to school and I want enjoy the rest of my life with Don, but I don't want worry at every turn.  I think that at 39, my husband and I deserve that.  I want to do for myself, but my life seems to block things or, at least, make it hard to make good things happen. 

As Time Goes By (A Mobile Blog)

This is a different kind of post when it comes to remembering, because I am a realist.  With that in mind, please take the time to bear with me....

It has been a year since I've lost the presence of my mother to her death.  Things have been different in many ways and in some ways I've changed how I view loss. At first I grappled with the notion that it was her time and that some cosmic force, over and above myself, dictated the cessation of her life.  This kind of took my already conflicted and angry view of that angle to an even more incensed level than usual.  I was, "...angry at God for his poor timing and selfish removal of a loved one."  I then began to work myself past this phase of my grief after retracing the steps of how my mother decided to live her life.  The realization of her recklessness appeared to me like a rude comment.  A thought began to revolve in my brain, which said plainly, "Your mother's plans really had no regard for your family; she was out for herself."  This made me so angry and I began to cry out of frustration over not seeing this before it was much too late.  She never took care of herself medically and left everyone out of loop, plus she never plan for my father's financial future.  She just died once she stopped working with the hope that someone would take care of her in the manner that she had expected. 

Even though I loved and respected my mother on many levels, this was presumptuous and a shot in the dark.  This was the same poor planning that both grandmother and great aunt exercised when they met their ends.  Is this because they felt that they had taken care of someone else all of their lives and they had some sort of entitlement?  If that is the case, wouldn't that have been presented in a clearer context.  The only guess I can make is that they didn't want any room for objection when it came to their "plans."  What my mother failed to realize or, at least, failed to care about, was my father's ability to live life independently.  This angered me more than anything else, because it leaves me and my sister with the difficult task of finding a way to make my Dad capable of living his own life.  I shouldn't let this turn into resentment but, unfortunately, that is the obstacle that I am fraught with at this particular moment.

It's funny though, because I've been dreaming about her recently.  It took me a year to let those thoughts to enter my subconscious, but now they've planted themselves there.  Mom makes little cameos here and there within my dreams and I'm not particularly sure whether or not it's her voice that I'm hearing.  The facial features are the one distinguishing giveaway when it comes to her character.  I have wondered whether or not this was my way of finding some solace when it came to her memory.  I have also wondered if this was my psyche's way of working out some plan to forgive her.  Aside from one dream that she was presented in, she came through in a nonthreatening manner.  The one dream or nightmare, if you will, consisted of someone choking me to death.  Not sure what that meant, but I can only say that it we completely and utterly terrifying to say the least.  Maybe I shouldn't eat close to bedtime.  Ha! 


Aside from most of my feelings, I have a deep sense of regret and a void that is incapable of being filled.   Sometimes I long to tell my mother about the good things that occur in my life, such as my grades or my impending graduation, and she isn't there to listen, to hug me or congratulate me.  When I was laden with doubt and needed someone to comfort me, she was absent from my life.  I couldn't laugh with her or go to a movie with her.  I even miss the occasional argument, as frustrating and unintelligent as they may have been.  She used to relish in the notion that she was always correct in her assumptions and maybe that was part of the reason her life was all too brief.  I'm beginning to think that she may have felt some kind of invincibility or at least some measure thereof.  I'll never be able to answer all of the questions that surround the incident that occurred a year ago.  Life is funny, because in one breath you think someone is the rock in your life and in the next they've disappeared like mist in the hot sunlight.  Hopefully I can reconcile with most of my emotions and, even though it will always be uncomfortable, I will find some measure of peace.  I miss you Mom.  I wish you had taken the time to realize how important life is and that giving up shouldn't have been part of the outline. 

Intrepidness and Bravery: I Need Both

Giving my life a great deal of thought, I'm still concerned about whether or not it's going in the right direction. I have never taken a risk and I think that's part of my problem. I'm stepping through a new door in August and I can't wait to hang that diploma on the wall over my desk. This is an English degree, with a minor in psychology. I wish that I could just pack a suitcase this Summer and, rather than taking two courses, go to Spain for two weeks with the husband.Unfortunately, I haven't got the money to travel like that and the mathematics courses are a necessity.
I wish I had travelled more in my life, but that will happen for me.  I just know it.  I'm basically nervous about money, which inhibits anything adventurous for me. So, many people I know travel around the country and some even for concerts.  I've done that a couple times, although not terribly far for a concert. The furthest my husband and I have gone was Connecticut.  Maybe one day I'll travel for a Richard Marx show or a Keith Urban show sometime in the near future.  Maybe I will even have a more exciting reason for embarking on a trip. 

Maybe I shouldn't be afraid of my future.  Maybe I shouldn't be afraid at all.  I should be brave and know that anything is possible.  I still have a lot of life ahead of me.  At least I think so.  I just wish that I wasn't constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I have to learn to enjoy life for all its bumps and obstacles.  This June is the hurdle of so many things, but when it passes, I can take a very deep breath and move on to something more interesting. 

Will I Ever Love This Month (A Mobile Blog)

Lately I've been thinking a great deal about the year that's passed. There are so many events that I'm proud of, those I wish never happened, and those that fell under the category of "nature's will." I've thought about my dealings with grief, my thoughts of my mother, school, friendly relationships, and the way I deal with my father and my sisters. I realize now how much of a rock Don, my husband, is in my life. The unstable ground that own parents treaded on for most of their lives and the crap that my mother left in her wake. Though I loved my mother dearly, her planning and feelings toward the aftereffects of her reckless lifestyle were more than immature. I'm not the picture of fiscal intelligence, but at least my husband and I are responsible individuals. My father's tackling of mere simple tasks, which I had no idea that he was clueless about, never seem to be accomplished and if I told you what those were, you wouldn't believe that someone could be that careless. When it comes to me, I'm trying to foster as much change in my life as possible. Some of this is to distance my self from that situation and some of it is to finally have an accomplishment and a life that is truly mine. I had radio, which I will always miss and I even briefly thought of communications, but it's not realistic for me at all. At least I don't think that really will be the right avenue to take. Honestly, once my husband and I find our way, I want to move as far away from my family as possible. I'm not talking about Donald's really. It's not that I do not love them, but I need some distance between us. It will improve our relationship significantly. As the anniversary of my mother's demise approaches, I can't help feeling happy that the start of my classes follows it. My life moves; my life moves on and my resentment will drain away. I will begin anew. I want to start think that June 29th is the date that my second shoe dropped and my life turned for the better. Would my mother have wanted it that way, who knows? I could never gauge that. My sister carries her ashed remains in an urn in her basement and I don't believe or at least I can't wrap my mind around an afterlife. I'm too much of a realist and I guess I find myself as one of those people who only believes in what they see. I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. I feel that if religion brings comfort to someone, they have every right to incorporate that practice into their lives and I have no room to judge them. I digress because, for some maudlin, ridiculous, reason, my sister is clinging on to my mother's remains instead of letting her go. I guess we have different ways of viewing life. I want to end some conditions this month and move on. I want to feel whole again and feel happy instead of broken. This month I gave up Facebook, not because I hated it or the people, but to enjoy a free life writing, reading, and facing people in the outside world instead of photographs on the internet or a player in a video game. I don't mind Tweeting, because honestly, it's less of a distraction. Twitter gives me links to the New York Times and other periodicals, and doesn't act merely in social ways. I'm away from my desk. This is another part of June that is different and new. Now I barely turn the computer on. Even now, I am writing from my Android phone. Believe it or not, once school starts, I may go back to it. Right now I am enjoying the freedom of being away from some prying eyes and the ability to share my writings on here alone. Hopefully, during this month, more prolific essays will emerge, but we'll see. In the meantime, I'm enjoy the Summer-like days that early June brings. I bid everyone a Happy Summer filled with sunshine, health, prosperity, and fun most of all!

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