Falling Off the Wagon

It's been a while now since I've dealt with any symptoms of panic!  Other than me feeling some stress that goes along with my normal life.  By panic I mean the sick feelings.  I'm feeling normal again or as normal as I'm ever going to get.  I've come to the decision that once I acknowledged that I was being driven to sickness I was able to harness my stress much easier.  Plus, now that I am back in school, I have an out.  My anxiousness is dealing with weight loss now.  I'm looking to join the gym at my school.  I was going to join Retro Fitness but, if I can do that for free, then why bother.  I have also been struggling with eating choices lately too.  I have to stop falling off the wagon.  Today was the worst, because I was on the run.  I actually stopped at McDonald's to buy my dinner.  I haven't been there in so long and I felt like a criminal.  I actually hate myself for eating that food, not to mention that I filled myself with acid ridden Coca Cola.  I really suck!

Oh and just so everyone knows, I don't look good or at least I don't think I do.  I have so much work to do.  It's going to take me a year to be at least healthy and I know that.  I'm ready for that challenge, but I know that it won't be easy.  The McDonald's thing is not something that I will repeat ever again.  That actually churns in my stomach when I think about it.  What a mistake!  I never weigh myself, because I just want to focus on being me.  I don't want to stress but, now that Mom is gone, I can't help it.  Eating hamburgers from that shithole just solidifies how much of weak person I am.  Maybe I am too hard on myself, but that's how I feel.  I'm the one who looks at myself in the mirror every day and I know my flaws big time.  I look at my waist and I know how it looks.  I walk a great deal, and I stay active, but I just want to feel normal.  I don't need to be perfect; I just want to be healthy.  I don't think that is too much to ask.  In fact, I think that is a goal that's more than achievable.  I want it so badly and I'm going to work even harder to get there.