Life on the Homefront, College Life and Planning for Afterward

So I decided to sign up for a transfer seminar.  I'm graduating and I was agonizing over my GPA, so I went to the Advising Dept. at the college for options.  I was really looking forward to being a student at GCU this Autumn, but then certain events my Father created put a wrench in those plans.  Now I have to find a new school to attend and that has to coordinate with where I will be in the seven months.  I'm starting to feel the stress but, at the same time, I feel happy that I am accomplishing something.  My GPA is ample and I feel comfortable enough that I will find a decent school to fit my future.  I spoke to the adviser and told her that I was concerned about whether or not teaching was for me.  I was pleased to be reassured that I could find a four year college that would take me and I could hit the ground running with communications courses right through a school such as that.  I'm still nervous, but I still feel that I should do something that makes me happy.  Teaching, while that is something that I know I can do, won't make me feel whole.  I know that may not make sense, but I can't put it any plainer.  My heart says that radio or some form of communication work is the answer. 

My husband is still working on his certifications and graphic design classes at Kean University.  I can't help feeling that I would be denying his happiness if I pushed through to another school too soon.  That's another obstacle that stands in my way right now.  He can't be with me during the Transfer Fair on Thursday, because he has to be in class.  Hopefully I will get some good information on some schools that can accommodate my major.  The transfer seminar will be even more helpful in that department, because I can get a feel for the process.  When I move again, I will have to find a school closer to my destination.  That's one of the key factors that plays into this as well.  My husband is very apprehensive about discussing this with me and I really don't know why.  The only reason I can fathom is that he's worried his classwork won't transfer to another program. 

Right now I am just working hard to get through Statistics.  I have a great professor, which I had last semester, and so far everything is going smoothly.  I had my first quarterly exam and passed it.  Being that I only have the one course this semester, I can put all of my concentration on the mathematics.  I don't feel so much pressure from a huge course load on top of it.  I can work on some things at home and, also, work on moving forward with a clearer head.  I've been reading a great deal in my leisure time, which has been wonderful.  I've also been watching a ton of movies and tv series.  I have found the beauty of Netflix and decided against subscribing to cable television when I moved at the end of the Summer.  I have the internet for news and weather, plus my phone has that capability also.  What is the point of having cable?  I watch movies on my flat-screen and my computer with my large flat-screen monitor, so I don't see the point of spending all that money for Optimum.  Besides, Cablevision sucks ass to begin with!

My husband and I are preparing for a visit from his Mother Linda and her fiance Andrew this week.  I am so happy for both of them.  I can't wait to see the both of them.  They are bringing their dogs, Dolly and Earl.  My cats are going to be in culture shock, although I think Stubby really won't care.  It's the girls that will be out of sorts.  My dog Ophelia, who is more than sixteen years old, is pretty much well-adjusted to everything.  We are preparing the third bedroom for them and hopefully everything will be ready by the end of the week.  We are still working on improvements around the house bit by bit, just to make things comfortable.  We've got most of our things unpacked, but I want to get some of my books on the shelves.  Things will happen as they should.  Well I'm going back to reading Saving Fish from Drowning by Amy Tan.  I will write more again soon.  Have a great beginning to your Autumnal Season!  Love you all :)

9/11 Ten Years Later

It's been ten years since that day and I can still recall seeing the news with perfect clarity.  My mind recalls the horror and tragedy that flashed across the screen for everyone to see.  It was heartbreaking, terrifying, and it made you realize the fragility of the human condition.  That day so many people came together for one cause selflessly and with the hope of saving as many people as they possibly could.  There had never been something of this magnitude so close to home and an indelible mark had been made. 

Even though our country commanded war in the wake of this event, we still have to live with the loss.  The only way to honor the ten years after this day is to remember the friends, loved ones, and those who tried to save those people.  Fighting violence with violence will never bring them back.  It's the memories, love, and gratitude that will live on in our hearts forever.  Remember that we should hope against hope that the troops, who are fighting this war, find their way home safely.  Remember that we can be a peaceful nation once more.

Back to School; Back to School :)

My Summer seemed very abbreviated this year, but I really don't mind.  If there was anything that I've been craving, it's been Autumn semester.  There are still reservations as to how things will turn out, but I am matriculating after this semester.  I picked up applications for a different university.  I was going to attend Georgian Court University, but with everything changing so fast this Summer, I didn't have time to take my last course during the quick term.  I've decided to look into Kean University, not just for the convenience of travel, but the reduction of price per credit.  I can't say what quality the education will be in their teaching programs, but you never know.  This isn't the only school that I am going to look into, but it's the first one after ruling out GCU.

I have been as intrepid as possible when it comes to finishing this part of my degree, but certain points have been a bit tedious due to personal circumstances.  I can complain and say, 'It's not fair; why me?"  How is that really accomplishing anything?  It's just crying over spilled milk.  So I am taking my Statistics course and enjoying my time on campus again.  If I go to Kean University, I can work the radio station as well.  That's also a bonus.  Another avenue for me is getting my degree and then going to Brookdale College to take some communications courses and move forward toward radio and promotion studies.  Choices, choices for me, but I have some time to think about it.  I may also choose a college in another state.  My husband and me want to move out of New Jersey, because of the expense of living here.

My husband is currently working and completing his design certifications.  Truthfully, I have no idea how he accomplish both without collapsing.  The poor man looks so dog tired by the end of the day.  He is the sweetest, most hard working man I have ever met in my entire life.  We've been married for what will be sixteen years on September 23rd of this year, and this December 24th for 19 years total.  We've seen each other through some really tough times, and he's seen me through my lowest points.  I couldn't ask for a better man.  Everything we do, we do for each other.  So really my choice of vocation has to be right for both us.  So, I have a bit of soul searching to do this Fall.  I'm giving myself give less than five months to prepare for the next step. 

When I started to set up the plans to go to GCU, I was really earnest about going.  Things seemed sure and I thought that was going to be part of my future.  It's amazing how prepared you have to be for change.  I am not upset at all anymore but, at first, I admit disappointment.  When I found that I wanted to move and that certain opportunities arose that I was silly not to take, I had to ask myself, "Was I going to move to a nicer home or stay in a smaller one.  So I put off the expensive education and the one class that would push me to graduation, and I feel like I can breathe a bit.  I will file for graduation this November.  Things will land as they should and I'm not going to stress over it all.  I will write about my experiences as they progress.  It's definitely going to be an adventure.  Especially if I move out of state.  Ha!

Why? LOL

Well I guess Lady Gaga was bored so she decided to dress up like Prince for an early Halloween look on the VMA's. I guess the meat dress wasn't enough LOL!  She looks like an ugly derelict dude.  Was this supposed to carry some message?  I have to say that I usually find her work creative, although most of it has been done by other artists in the 80's and 70's.  Even one of the Theirry Mugler costumes in Bad Romance was used in a George Michael video from the early 90's.  I liked her use of shock value along with her singing voice.  This is a bit confusing and I have to say, so was the pastrami dress,  

Moving On

There have been so many times in my life where I felt as if I were spinning the proverbial wheels in the mud and really not moving forward at all.   Finally it seems that I'm advancing.  I've moved, I'm finishing the first part of my degree, and I'm consider the next chapter of my life.  I used to find these whimsical little or  no so little amusements that made me happy for a very long time because, let's face it, I was a very sad woman for a very long time.  There were many different points in my life that left me discouraged and completely devoid of any value.  Sometimes it was entertaining sometimes very frivolous and maybe costly outings that made me forget what was going on at home.  I have a wonderful husband who was caring enough to let me do those things, but there were times that I probably shouldn't have.  It wasn't just the loss of my mother that threw me, even though it wasn't easy.  It was a series of things over many, many years that really sank my self-esteem into the swamp.  

Sometimes you have to wonder who your friends are too.  You can surround yourself with people who call themselves that, but that is definitely subject to scrutiny.  Many' many times I can remember trying to buffer my depression with people who really didn't give a flying fuck about me.  People that I had extended the olive branch to without thinking twice.  The weird thing is that I'm not bitter about that.  I find it to be an incredible learning experience.  Some of these people still chat with me on the internet, but they never pick up a phone to call me or anything like that.  Very few people are part of my life that way lately.  Part of that is moving as well, not so much enforced isolation.  No matter what anyone tells you, you cannot boost your self-esteem by the amount of friends you acquire.  I definitely think that it's being happy about what you do everyday.  Having friends to share that with, well that's nice too as long as the playing field is equal.

Now that I am progressing and moving on, I'm thinking about doing something that I kind of kicked to the corner.  I think that I'm going to take some more communications courses.  I wasn't going to do that, but I really think that I would be cheating myself if I didn't.  I want to be happy for once in my life.  Radio makes me happy and I'm not going to short change myself.  I will always have the background to take the teaching courses as well, and if I have to I can fall back into that course of study.  So I'm not afraid about that.really.  We'll see where life takes me.  I love music, and I want to make that part of my life.  Doing college radio was so much fun and I realized that I wanted to make that my career.  I would even settle working behind the scenes.  It's just a great industry that I really want to be a part of.  I think with the satellite radio boom, there has been growth in the industry in that sense, but who knows the fate of FM radio.

Catchin' Up

This whole Summer I have been unable to write.  I feel as if I am stifled.  Things have been complicated, some due to impending residence change, but mostly for my clack of inspiration.  I have to say that this isn't the easiest of Summers for me.  My life has been conflicted by the incompetence of my own parent, not due to illness, because of his poor planning and his presumptions that someone else will always take care of him.  You'd think he was 80 years old, but he's just 65 and without life skills.  My husband and myself are going through a challenging period whereas we want to move out of New Jersey in five months.  This means that we both need to secure new employment and a new residence, as well as a new neurologist to deal with my medical conditions.  I need to leave so many things behind and remove some pressures, therefore removing the need for tranquilizers.  My father and other elements really give me anxiety.  All I want to do is find some peace and some happiness for me and my husband.  I don't think that's too tall of an order.  I'm going to take a deep breath, think positive thoughts, and make our dreams a reality. 

Mixed Feelings (A Mobile Blog)

You get this picture in your mind of how life should be working, especially when you reach a certain age, and something never goes according to your plans. Lately, I have been wondering if my direction was correct.  You get to a point where you think that all of your ducks have to be a row.  I have definitely hit that stage in life.  I've always been the type to support the dreams and choices of those I care about, and I've never really put much thought into what I really needed.  I have a loving relationship and friendship with my wonderful husband Donald, and that is perfect.  My family life, outside of my husband and his family, hasn't been all roses, but I've always known what I've had to deal with.  They've all had their goals and dreams, and sometimes I put myself aside so they could have them.  Now, I believe it's my turn.  I have been a bit saddened by the postponement of my work toward a teaching degree, but I realize that there are other things that need to come first.  After Fall semester and two classes I'm taking to stay "in the loop," I'm finally getting my time.  I want to state that sometimes you have to be a little selfish, because everyone needs "their time."   When my mother, sister, and father were living their lives, I took care of my great aunt who suffered with Alzheimer's disease.  My husband was the only one who helped me during those seven years.  The only problem is you get knocked down during times like that, and my husband and I were knocked down in many other situations since.  It's like you are in this trench that prevents you from clawing your way out.  I get so frustrated that I cry over it, but I try not to feel defeated.  Lately my life is a series of revolving doors and I can't seem to stop spinning through them or watch other people leave.  That same theory applies to other aspects of my life as well.  Maybe I need to take the chance and let the chips fall where they may sometimes, but what if I fail?  I feel that, at my age, it's not an option.  I need to have some kind of structure or stability.  This is not just for me, but for my husband as well.  Over the last year, the rug has been yanked out from under me.  I don't think that I can ever trust that things will work out perfectly, in any respect, again.  I want to change that perspective, but it's not happening for me.  Who knows what can happen in a couple months or even a few months.  It just seems like everything is a gamble.  I want to go to school and I want enjoy the rest of my life with Don, but I don't want worry at every turn.  I think that at 39, my husband and I deserve that.  I want to do for myself, but my life seems to block things or, at least, make it hard to make good things happen.