Complications

There is this point where you feel that you can't move forward without acknowledging the obstacle in your path. Sometimes you have to scream at that obstacle which, I have to admit, I hate doing. Unfortunately, that is my only course of action in some cases. Sometimes I just sigh, and that sigh is a pressure valve that goes off. That is usually coupled with laughter. I'm convinced that if you laugh, you will keep yourself from crying. Lately, I have been trying to think of the most hysterical jokes and incidents that I can find in order to take my mind off of more serious matters. This substitution method is working. My husband helps, because he is naturally goofy. I've been watching a great deal of back episodes of the Dave Chappelle show and a ton of comedic or light fare movies. I've been straying away from heavy dramas. Even my reading has taken a lighter turn. I tried to read one of my old favorite books, The Joy Luck Club, and my heart wasn't in it. I really think it's what I'm surrounded with these days. Every time I try to pull myself out of the abyss, I get dragged back toward it. It's a like a card game that I have no chance, in hell, of winning. If you are ridden with the same problems that never have a chance to evolve toward a solution, then the stress can really get on top of you.

So some of the people closest in my life make me want to propel an icepick into my eardrums. It sounds funny in a dark sense, but they make me wish that I had selective deafness. I can't handle some of the garbage I get saddled with anymore. It makes my body hurt, literally. I have been having pains in my body due to stress. The whole scene is fucking me up utterly! It's the honest truth. I wish I could run screaming, but unfortunately I'm chained to the situation like Princess Leia to Jabba the Hutt. Of course, it's just a metaphor with Jabba the Hutt being the size of my problem. I'm such a nerd. All I can say is that I need a vacation that takes me far away from all of the nonsense and garbage that I am presently dealing with at this point in time. I can't wait to go back to school, because I need a diversion from it all. I need to feel like I have some sort of control over my life. I feel like my life has absolutely no meaning whatsoever. The path I'm presently taking has me stuck in a rut where I'm dealing with the aftershocks of insanity. How do I finally find peace and some semblance of normalcy?

Maybe I need to find a way to disconnect myself. I have to find a way to detach myself from the issues at hand. Should I try meditation? The Buddhists swear by it. I have never been one of those people who could fall into that kind of head space. It's not that I have ADD or ADHD. I just don't have the patience or the innate belief to do so. Some people tell me find God, and he will give me strength. I have tried that in the past, and that never worked for me either. If those two avenues have worked for other people, then that's great. I'm just saying they didn't work constructively for me. I have always found that the way I was able to forge on through life, was through the belief that I could get through one day. So far, I have been doing well with that. Lately, I have been questioning whether or not I need to up my game in that respect. If I'm just meandering through life, where is the reward for it all? Where is the feeling of comfort and satisfaction? Leaning on something will not accomplish anything and just pushing forward without aim won't complete anything. I feel like I need a complete overhaul of where I'm going, where I'm residing, and what career path I want to take. I'm finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to get the hell out of this mess.