Well, last night was quite interesting! I dealt with a different kind of illness. Over the last two months, my body has been feeling different kinds of pain such as nausea, chest pain, headaches, body pains, fatigue, and general malaise. I went to the doctor, who ran tests on me, which proved nothing. Last night I felt so horrible after having seizures that I went to the emergency room. They ran tests on me there, which proved nothing. The doctor then said the unthinkable, "Mrs. Frame-Leitch, you are having panic attacks. I think we should try a tranquilizer. How about Ativan?". I was stunned. I didn't think this was a panic attack, because I generally felt ill. In my life, there have been bouts of panic disorder, but usually I could recognize them for what they were. This didn't ring that same bell. He asked me, "What changed over the last two months?" So I explained everything and how I felt. I told him that it was hard to deal with familial issues, but I couldn't really stop my life to let myself wallow in that discomfort. When I explained everything in detail, he then said, "Whatever your not expressing emotionally, your body is dealing with physically." I found it hard to believe that was the real crux of the situation, but I humored him, filled the prescription, took the pill, and slid into bed. Turns out that day is a better day, but I'm sad that I let everything get so far out of whack. I told the doctor that I only cried twice for Mom. I'm so upset about so many things that sometimes I don't know how to deal with it all at once. How does anyone expect me to feel? That's why I just push. If I push, and keep the momentum going, I won't have anything to dwell on. My body won't let me have even that much peace in my life. My husband is my rock, the one anchor in my life even when I feel adrift. Thank goodness he was with me when this was occurring. It's so tough for me to accept! Right now I'm just fighting back my tears, because I can't sob anymore. It hurts too much. It hurts my epilepsy too much and I don't want to be this person. This person who hangs on to something so horrible, so cancerous that it will eat away at my happiness. I'm better than that and I want to move on. I don't want to have to take a benzodiazapene to find relief. I'm not going to use a crutch like that. I'm sorry that I sound angry, but for years I have dealt with garbage like this and now I find myself embarrassed of my own weakness again. I guess I just have one more thing to kick so that I can roll down the rest of this bumpy road.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry
Denise if you need to cry just cry. You lost your mother, that's a big loss in your life. It's only natural that you are affected by it mentally. And sometimes when you are weaker mentally, physical symptoms "appear" Listen to the doctors, take what they prescribe but don't keep the emotions locked inside.
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