This Well I Have

Lately I have been struggling with this gnawing sadness in my life. Maybe I shouldn't use the word lately, because this has been ongoing for a long, long time. I have a wonderful husband who is a best friend and lover to me, I have a wonderful family who loves me dearly, but I feel this deep deficit in my life. Don't mistake this post as me feeling sorry for myself, because it's quite the contrary. I'm beginning to work out why my life is turning in this direction. I realize that my sadness comes from my inability to connect on a social level or, in simpler terms, I don't have many friends. I have been thinking this over for so long and maybe it's that I'm not likable or lack the type of personality that one would want to connect with as a friend. I wish I could pinpoint one exact cause for this issue, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I'm not going to lie; it does make my heart ache. It's funny, I can look at Facebook and see how many people end up on a list, but I'm still perplexed with the reasoning for connecting just for the sake of "doing so." I know that I have been guilty of that, but more for the sense of following the news of a musical artist, favorite designer, or a movie that's set to premiere. Sometimes Facebook makes me feel more lonely than I should, which is why I like to follow Twitter for it's impersonality and sometimes strict news factor. I digress. Maybe my foray into a new school will give me a chance to start new friendships and I won't feel so sad. Today I cried, because I really do feel like an oddity and someone who can never say the right thing. I want to say this, for the end of this post: If I have ever said anything out of turn, offputting, offensive, or disagreeable, I am sorry, because I'm not the best person in the world. I'm trying to improve and I am a work in progress.  Maybe it won't feel like a well of difficulty one day..

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