Catching Up

It's been a while since there was a journal article on here, but here is the latest in my life experiences.  I'm learning my triggers or at least some of them.  My limbic system is still kicking my ass these days, but I'm realizing why some of it manifests.  Panic hits me when I can't get everything done in one day.  This can include errands, pleasing other people, and other items.  Another part of the panic is when I absorb rather than express.  Everything else is boggling me.  The other day, I finished my Algebra class and headed up to the library to do some studying for a test that day.  I wasn't feeling that great, but chalked it up to being tired.  After standing up, dizziness washed over me and I felt as if I was going to faint.  My husband ushered me to the medics office and my blood pressure was very low.  Apparently, that is a side effect of anxiety as well.  Now this part of the anxiety or panic attack never hit me like that before.  It frightened me so much that I headed to the physician's office for a visit, because I wasn't sure if it was something else.  Of course, it was the anxiety and I felt completely stupid.  The doctor asked me what was going on in my life and I told him.  Then it began to make sense to him.  He explained that losing one part of my life is a rite of passage, even though it is unwanted.  Luckily I am strong enough to push myself through.  I get a silver lining though, because I get to see the school analyst for free.  Ahhh... The joys of being a college student! 

So now I'm finally going to tell my therapist that I need to go on benzodiazapines as needed.  I've tried to go it alone, but I can't.  I feel defeated in a sense, but there is no way that I can be in this kind of pain and make it through school.  The pain comes in the form of headaches, pain in my limbs and chest, pins and needles, dizziness, blurred vision, nausea, and fatigue.  I've been checked out for every test that there is and I am in perfect health, so it's definitely this ridiculous disorder kicking my ass.  I feel like I'm in desperate need of a vacation, but I have absolutely no time at all for one.  There are people in my life who do not make it easier for me.  In fact, those people make it even rougher for me to deal with the issues in my life.  The worst part about these individuals is that they are so self-absorbed that they don't even give a flying fuck!  Sorry for my colorful language, but it's entirely true.  I've found some reprieves here and there.  These reprieves keep me seperate from the ridiculousness that I see every day and let me feel free.  It's not meditation or anything of the new age nature, but it certainly relaxes me.  I wish those reprieves were more frequent, because I think it would lessen the burnout.  Today I get a reprieve, because I'm DJ'ing.  I love doing my radio show, because it gives me a chance to be alone with my music.  I don't even care if I have listeners, because I have so much fun.  Another reprieve is reading in the library, because I can get lost here in the stacks.  My latest favorite though is karaoke!  I just love it!

The other day, my health teacher says to me, "You look great!  Things really must be going your way."  I almost started to laugh hysterically, but I was flattered at the same time.  I'm glad to know that I'm healthy and that all of this that I am feeling is all in my head.  Really getting through this is the obstacle that I have to overcome.  I know that I'm strong enough to tell myself that the pain is just me.  It just seems so real, as if my body isn't my own right now.  It's torture you know?  I'm feeling this hypervigilant alarm phase of General Adaptation Syndrome and I can't escape it sometimes.  Some of the stress comes from the revolving door issue that seems to be going on in my life.  It just seems like I'm going through this endless cycle of loss in one form or another.  You can only do so much with bereavement before it makes you feel sick inside.  I wish that all of the stress that I get to experience was eustress rather than distress, because at least I know the pressure is for all the right reasons.  Right now this is just making me feel pain and the only thing that can alleviate it is either crying or just finding some way to be alone.  Last night I went out by myself, which was really nice.  It was the first time in so long that I actually felt pampered.  I went out to a movie, for a nice dinner, and I went to Barnes and Noble to read and have coffee.  It was absolutely fantastic!  Maybe if I find the time to schedule events like that for myself, I wouldn't feel so tense all of the time.  Who knows!  I just know that something eventually has to give.

So something pivotal is going to happen on Friday.  My mother-in-law is moving to Texas.  This is very hard for me and for my husband.  It's kind of funny, because I never realized how much this would hit me until she mentioned it over dinner one night.  I was sitting there and she mentioned how she wouldn't be there for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I just cried; I couldn't help it.  It was something I couldn't grasp hold of at the time and I am still trying to come to grips with it.  Linda is my second Mom and it's so hard to see another person fall away from my life.  I'm crying right now as I write this mostly because I am so happy for her.  She found such a wonderful man to spend the rest of her life with.  Andrew is a lovely person and he makes her so happy.  Even though my husband and I will miss her so much, I know that she is going to be more than happy.  We'll definitely visit them in Texas.  The only thing that hurts so much is that someone else is leaving, but I am glad that it's for all the right reasons.  Things are falling into place the right way, it just feels tough right now.  I feel sad for my husband too, because his Mom is leaving for Texas and his Dad is gone.  That makes me emotional for him.   

So like I was saying earlier in this post, I went out for a nice night alone.  I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 and it was awesome!  It was a prequel to the original film and I have to say that I liked it more.  This one was definitely more frightening than the first one.  There were connections to the original premise of the first film, but I can't really tell you that much more.  It would definitely ruin it if I did.  All I know is that you have to see it because you will be kicking yourself if you do not!  It was nice to go the movies on a weekday.  The theatre was clear and quiet, and I didn't have to wait in lines.  Wonderful!  I had a great Japanese dinner as well.  That was a really great precursor to the movie.  Low in fat, because it was vegetables and seafood.  I'm really proud of myself.  Although I shouldn't have drank soda, because it's not good for me.  For those who do not realize, soda causes bone porosity as well as subcutaneous fat cells.  Even the diet variety isn't good for you, because of the osteoporosis side effect.  So anyway, I also bought tickets to another Duo show in New Jersey for February at the SOPAC in South Orange, New Jersey.  I can't wait to see that show.  Next month Donald and I are going to see Killing Joke in New York City.  Concerts rule!  I wish I could just go to concerts rather than celebrating any of the holidays.  It would be so much more fun and less pressure.  Well that's really all that I have going for me right now aside from DJ'ing and being a student.  Hope that everyone enjoys the rest of their week.