Analyzing, Realizing, & Healthy Detachment

A flood of emotions have been pouring through me the last couple of days.  I can't believe that it's been a week since my mother passed on.  It seems like a whirlwind has passed through my world and left a large hole.  My life seems unglued, unplugged, and unbelievable.  I'm not tearing up and crying like a was three days ago.  I'm starting to make that realization that it's all true.  My mother's ashes are ready to be picked up from the funeral home and I worry about my Dad in that situation.  I want to pick them up for him or at least go with him when he does.  It always astounds me that one person can fit in an urn that is less than the size of your head.  You walk through your whole life as a whole person, and then you are suddenly ashes or you are put in a box.  I guess the memories are larger than the way you end up.  This may sound morbid to you, but this is something that has crossed my mind today.  I never really thought that I would have to think this way.  You never plan for death really.  You can request a certain kind of funeral, and you can choose the way that you want your body handled afterward, but your family is never really emotionally prepared.  There is no way to plan how you feel. 

I remember looking at all the people who attended my Mother's memorial service.  The looks on their faces were so tear-ridden and solemn.  I was at the point where I was cried out but, when I saw them, I was saddened by the way that they felt.  If it makes any sense, I felt more for their emotional trial at that point, than my own grief.  I went through this odd phase for the first three days, where I couldn't cry.  Maybe it was the shock of the situation that did that to me, because my husband, my Dad, and I tried so desperately to save her along with the paramedics.  The medics worked on her for fifteen minutes.  I just wanted her to sit up and argue with me.  I don't know much sense that makes, but it's really how I felt.  I never really found an explanation in it all.  The funny thing is that my Mother's job went through after twenty four years and it seemed that she didn't really want to get another one.  Maybe on some subconscious level, she thought that it was time.  I can probably sit there and overanalyze things for what seems like forever.

I was grateful for having so many friends and family who took the time to care about me during this time.  I don't know whether I could have dealt with this alone.  I think that I probably wanted them there even when I didn't realize it.  After a while, I did want to be alone to process it all.  Once there was a good cry, I was able to move on from it a bit.  I know that I can't bring her back and I never had that crazy notion.  There was no laying in the fetal position for more than a night.  I know my mother would've wanted me to push on through.  It was something that she particularly said to me, but I knew how she felt about being sad.  I know my sisters had to rely on medication to sleep.  I kind of soldiered on through that.  For the first two days, I was having issues.  Once I got some rest, I was able to see things relatively clearly.  I'm hoping that everything just moves on.  I don't want to be stuck in a rut where I'm constantly dwelling on this whole issue.  A point of detachment from the loss and the foot toward the future is imminent.  There should be a day where I wake up and just be happy and grateful for everything I do have.  My life is still my own and I want to be able to smile again.   

Pass It On!

Do you read my blog?  If you do, please pass the word on to other people who may want to read my everyday musings.  I'm trying to gain traffic on my blog and get my writing noticed so that I may get on BlogHer eventually.  If you like what you're reading, please take the time to comment as well.  I love hearing feedback on what I post on here, even if it's constructive criticism.  This really means so much to me!  I love sharing my work with all of you.  I'm really hoping that this little blog goes really far.  Thank you so much in advance and have a terrific weekend!

Sincerely,
Denise :)

Just So You Know!!!!

Since many of these "news networks" pollute the airwaves with their ridiculous opinionated nonsense, I've decided to be a voice of reason. I've noticed that most of the people who say "Impeach Obama," within these radical right wing groups, have no idea how to spell or use grammar. I'm not saying that President Obama has all of the answers to this country's problems, but at least I can look at things from a realistic standpoint and I'm smart enough to know that he's not a socialist. You have to get a grip and stop watching Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin long enough to breathe some clean air. People have to realize that FOX News is not a credible news source. It's an opinion network with an agenda that creates more hype than results. Would you trust a guy to give their opinion of world affairs if he uses duct tape and colored chalk on a board to prove his point? Please! I think that if Glenn Beck went on to the game show, "Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader," he would most definitely lose. I wouldn't take advice from something like that. Maybe if people took the time to really read about what is going on in America and in other countries, you would see things clearly. Read and really be informed! Stop watching television for goodness sakes. You know why other countries laugh at us? They're laughing at us, because we have idiots like Beck on television. CNN is just as bad! These are ridiculous channels who basically run on opinions rather than credibility. People are dumber for having watched these networks!

Public Service Announcement (A Mobile Blog)

I've grown tired of dealing with people who make plans about a person's life without their consent. I'm sure that you've run into a person or two who have made it their mission in life override any involvement that you have in a situation, and make decisions on your behalf. I can see maybe the person was brain-dead, a young child, or developmentally disabled to the point where he or she couldn't speak for themselves. That would be the only reason for any indirect decision making. Otherwise, the person or persons can take a flying leap off a bridge. Do I sound harsh? Quite possibly! I'm not sorry for that and neither should the affected party. Sometimes you have to be firm in order to make your point. I've never found fault in being tough. It gives people the kick in the rear end they need to back the fuck off. If you have a brain that works, you have a say in how you're life is run. Don't let people treat you like a doormat. If you find yourself in that position, then wipe your hands of them, because people like that can cling like a disease. It's common sense to want to rid yourself of disease. I think if there is a weighty decision to be made, it should be made with all of the persons involved. Anything else is ripe bullshit and doesn't have to be tolerated. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Posted via email from Summer Writing

The History of Camp Evans - From Radio to Infoscience

Camp Evans, originally considered as a part of Belmar Station, has been a site that has gone through many changes and incarnations since its first construction in 1912. The plot of land, which is based in Wall Township, is sometimes mistakenly considered part of Belmar. The land property, including the main operating house, is located on the banks of the Shark River in the Eastern region of Monmouth County. Camp Evans has approximately 500 acres of land, and is currently owned as a branch of Fort Monmouth, an Army military installation based in the Shrewsbury, Monmouth County area. The camp was utilized for everything from the fruition of radio communication to United States Army research.

Belmar Station came about in what is often coined as the Marconi Years. The American Marconi Company, after contractual obligations created with the J.G. White Engineering Corporation, built its first structures on the Monmouth County property in the year 1912 with its full completion in the year 1914. The main operating house on the property was supposedly built to be water impermeable, but when it was being constructed that was a tedious undertaking with underground streams running through and around the building. To this day, the basement still remains flooded.

Belmar Station was an establishment that Marconi used as part of, "…his wireless girdle." Radio transmissions were meant to be broadcasted to destinations such as Hawaii and the Panama Canal. During this period in the Station's history, the staff was so immense that The Marconi Hotel needed to be constructed on the property to accommodate the necessity of twenty-four hour maintenance for the operations at the Belmar Station. The crimson brick structure had contained forty-five rooms along with a lounge, smoking room, and an in-house diner. There were also some cottages for married operators that worked at the Station.

Information technology is the research, conception, creation, and utilization of information communication networks. The expanse of information technology today is furthered by the usage of computers and technology to retrieve data and communicate. In the early1900's by Guglielmo Marconi, an innovator originally from Italy, created radio telegraphy or more commonly known as just radio. The invention of radio eventually led him to the coveted Nobel Prize. Marconi was a true pioneer for information technology and communication. To further his work with this technology, Marconi created Belmar Station to work with a New Brunswick Station transmitter as a branch of wireless support.

The technology created at the Station was a real breakthrough for twentieth century communication. Along with Guglielmo Marconi, many notable professionals and inventors lent their knowledge and expertise to the projects created at the Belmar Station. Dr. Ernst Alexanderson, the technologist who invented the high frequency generator, and Dr. A. Hoyt Taylor from Wall Township, the founder of Naval radar, contributed their work to the wireless communication project. Edwin Armstrong, an electrical engineer who invented frequency modulation or FM radio, along with David Sarnoff, the founder of NBC (The National Broadcasting Company), completed the process called regenerative circuitry at the Belmar Station in 1914. Regenerative circuitry is the process by which an electronically charged signal is increased or amplified by the same vacuum tube or relative active component. An example of this is a unipolar transistor, which depends on an electric field in order to manage the shape of and the conductivity of a particular channel.

After the Marconi Years, this section of Belmar Station was taken over by the Naval operations during World War I within the year 1917 through the year 1919. This included not only the Belmar and New Brunswick Stations, but the Stations located in Tuckerton, New Jersey and out of state in Massachusetts and Maine. Out of all the stations, Dr. Taylor stated that he, "…never did get the one in Tuckerton running satisfactorily." The Navy gave the aforementioned Dr. A. Hoyt Taylor control of communication overseas. Dr. Taylor, a soldier in the Navy, became the Trans-Atlantic Communications Officer.

The Navy installed broadcasting lines that connected to Washington D.C., and could be utilized for Trans-Atlantic radio communication. The most notable Trans-Atlantic communication came about when President Woodrow Wilson was able to converse through an overseas connection with the Italian Minister of Communications in Rome. Around this same time, they placed more wiring underneath the Shark River in order to improve connectivity and reception for transmission.

When World War I concluded the American Marconi Company or the Marconi Wireless Telegraph Company of America, as it became known, was sold to a company called RCA. RCA is a media giant today, but the company's current owner is the General Electric Corporation. Its most popular notoriety today is their media electronics and recording labels. When the company sold to RCA, they meshed all the station's transmissions and receptions into one station in New York. This eliminated the need for any type of radio or communication work at the Belmar Station and for a time quieted the work at the site. Even though New Brunswick, however useful it was for transmitting communication to the United Kingdom in the World Wars, fell silent as well.

The Station went through different changes during the times between 1925 and 1941. During a minor era in the history of the Belmar Station, a group called the Pleasure Seekers Club occupied the camp's premises between the years 1925 and 1935. The group's records are very vague and not much information is prevalent. Within the year 1936 a Christian group, called the Young People's Association for the Propagation of the Gospel, purchased the land that formerly belonged to Marconi along the Shark River. Following in the year 1938, Dr. Percy B. Crawford created King's College in Belmar, New Jersey. This was a four-year Christian college that taught Biblical doctrine to their higher education students, but was not exclusively of a religious nature. The school did not teach broader subjects of an artistic or scientific basis. The college eventually moved to the Briarcliff Manor in New York. The King's College remains in existence, and still functions with offices that remain at the Empire State Building in New York City. They offer courses in Business Management, Philosophy, Economics, and many other degree programs, but they still maintain a theology institution within the college's curriculum.

The US Army then commissioned the camp for use in World War II. The radar laboratory was used for research and proved invaluable during that time. Companies such as AT&T and General Electric funded the research on the camp, along with using radar to detect enemy aircraft during the war. The radar work performed at Camp Evans was considered the redeeming quality of democracy and the tool of victory during the World War II effort. Other researches, such Project Diana, were performed on the camp. Project Diana aimed to send radar signals toward the moon to see what the reflecting signals consisted of. This project is considered the precursor to interest for space exploration and was hailed as the fruition of the U.S. Space Program.

On March 31, 1942 the Belmar Station, then called the Signal Corps Radar Laboratory, named its radar lab and property Camp Evans after the deceased Lieutenant Colonel Paul W. Evans. Evans originally hailed from Ohio and served in the Coast Artillery of the Army. Today the surrounding area near and around the camp retains the name Evans Area. The camp remained a top-secret research and development facility from 1941 to as recently as 1998. Camp Evans is considered to be a landmark of historical significance by the National Registry of Historic Places. Today Camp Evans is the Infoage Science and Learning Center. This Center is a non-profit organization that provides education about information technology and remembers the pioneers that contributed toward the progressions and innovations of communications. The Center is working to restore some of the structures and buildings that remain on the camp. This historical landmark gave birth to the most poignant and important scientific breakthroughs during the information age. This expanse of land needs preservation so that future generations can learn about the evolution of technology and the roots of the information era in America.

Musical Musings

I've come to the decision that music really does soothe the savage beast. Now I'm not saying that I am a savage beast, but it does cool off my bad mood and helps me enjoy my day. My parents always played music in the house. At a very young age I heard artists like Elton John, Chicago, Sly and the Family Stone, Al Green, Kenny Rogers, and the Beatles. My mother was musically inclined having studied the piano from a young age. She had amazing taste and so did my father. My Dad always loved Elvis Presley, Cream, and Eric Clapton. They would take me to concerts when they could. I remember seeing the Charlie Daniels Band, the Mamas and the Papas, The Turtles, and even the Monkees. I remember enjoying my mother's Peaches and Herb eight track and I really loved her Blondie eight track as well. I was very into Olivia Newton-John. I also loved my mother's Kenny Rogers - The Gambler eight track. I never realized it was country. At this point I hated country and, along with gospel music, that feeling was unwavering during most points in my life. I was addicted to listening to my dad's stereo and I loved playing my parents' reel to reel tapes.

At the age of nine, I loved Billy Idol, Cheap Trick, AC/DC, and Black Sabbath. Mostly I enjoyed these because my parents hated them so much. I can remember getting birthday money from my grandmother, and buying my first cassettes. I went to a small store in Peddlers Village. Now Peddlers Village is called Circle Factory Outlet. I went into the store, and this was before the Parental Advisory stickers went on to every piece of recorded music, and picked out AC/DC's Back in Black and a Men at Work album. I was also into the Eagles big time! I also listened to REO Speedwagon and Bad Company. I liked them, because they had a beat that was intoxicating. When you are a kid, you love music like that. MTV only incensed my love for music. I was addicted to hearing and watching the videos of my favorite artists. When I became a teenager, my tastes began to refine themselves. I would listen to a select kind of music. You start to share the musical tastes that your friends have. It definitely is a popularity thing. For a time, all I listened to was metal, which I still love to this day. Then I started to hide my love for metal and I listened to new wave and alternative music. All the while I was a Richard Marx fan, which I kept hidden from most people. You wear clothes that associate you with the music you listen to. It definitely is a certain type of culture and, for some cliques, it gives you a foundation for your identity.

When I started to get into my late teens, I started to listen to metal again. (At least out in the open) I began to find an individuality when it came to music. I didn't like a type of music, because of it's genre. I started liking music for it's quality, though I still loathed country and gospel music. I got into classic rock, and I enjoyed John Lennon's solo works and some of the old Beatles records. I began to enjoy arena rock and pop music. I was into bands like Journey and Toto. After a time, I even let my affinity for Richard Marx's music come out into the open. I remember when I heard Hold on to the Nights for the first time and crying. (I have every record he ever made) I also started to go to concerts on my own and with my friends. I was listening to underground music, so to speak, like Sonic Youth, Sebadoh, Juliana Hatfield, and the Meat Puppets. Once I made it into early adulthood, I enjoyed the grunge scene. I enjoyed festivals such as Lollapalooza headlined by Jane's Addiction. Perry Farrell was the one who created that show, and I've gone to two of those festivals. When I met my husband, I was still into grunge and indie rock, but I was starting to settle into this Top-40 groove in my life. I still love that music, but eventually I added to my favorite genre's. Eventually MTV became more about reality shows, rather than music. I was part of the MTV Generation, but eventually I selectively took myself out of that league.

Now that I am in my thirties, I listen to a large variety music. I still love the music that I listened to before. I started to appreciate ballads and slower songs, which I really felt dead set against before. I started to reflect on the music my parents played when I was kid and I began to listen to Frank Sinatra. Fly Me to the Moon was our wedding song in 1995. I also started to love old jazz and contemporary jazz. I listened to Miles Davis, Dave Koz, Ella Fitzgerald, Louis Armstrong, Chris Botti, and Dave Brubeck. My love for Richard Marx brought in another genre for me. I began listening to country music in 2003. I started to enjoy artists like Keith Urban, Faith Hill, Tim McGraw, and Garth Brooks. My father-in-Law got me into Johnny Cash and Willie Nelson. I was going to different concerts, and I even got a chance to see Richard Marx in concert more often. I eventually got to meet the guy, which was a dream come true. I started attending country music concerts for artists like Kenny Chesney, Gary Allan, Keith Urban, Leann Rimes, and Jason Aldean. Most recently I got to see the Eagles and John Mellencamp. I was even able to see Ozzy Osbourne. My love for heavy metal has approached a contemporary place, and now I attend concerts for bands like Disturbed, OTEP, Five Finger Death Punch, and Static-X. This music makes me feel younger and I feel like my metal tastes evolved. This was platformed from my love of Metallica, Megadeth, Anthrax, and Black Sabbath.

Today, my love for music depends on my mood rather than sticking to one genre. I have my iPod and I basically drifted to where my collection is almost all digital. For some parts of my life I remember grieving over the loss of the record, then the tapes, and I almost grieve over the loss of the CD format. I don't remember the last time I used a CD or if I remember walking into the record store in the past five years. With the venture of Amazon.com, iTunes, and Rhapsody, there is no reason to do it. I think the last CD's I purchased, I purchased online. Mostly they were Richard Marx discs and Vertical Horizon's newest disc. In a way, I miss the fun of looking at the liner notes of an album and the anticipation you get when you unwrap a new album. It seems like that is a thing of the past, and almost like it's part of my childhood and teen years are falling away. Luckily, some artists do a track by track analysis of each song. The internet changes the face of how we enjoy music. The accessibility of music almost takes away from the whimsical feeling you get when you are searching through the shelves for that perfect piece of music.

I do think that the invention of the digital format cuts out the middle man of having artists deal with the politics of the recording industry. Maybe it will give the buyer the chance to hear indie artists that aren't signed and then open a new door for those artists to find a record deal. The only problem with signed artists and record companies is digital theft. So many people are able to download music without paying for it. Sadly, it is really easy for someone to do. I don't believe that any company or the RIAA will be able to seal every crack tight from theft. Artists take time and effort to record these tracks, but are losing the profit. This goes for the retail venture of it, and even in the digital market. iTunes takes some of the heat off the situation, but it doesn't stop it totally. The RIAA makes examples of some perpetrators like Jammie Thomas-Rasset. How does that really accomplish anything. Maybe if the recording industry lowered the price tag on recorded works, people wouldn't be so inclined to steal that material. In the meantime, I'm enjoying purchasing the songs that I want off of iTunes. The beauty of that is buying the songs you want without buying a full album. It isn't as fun as the retail shopping, but it definitely is economical for me.

Recently, I purchased the Richard Marx - Hits and Ballads disc. I was really happy, because I got to look at the track by track and the liner notes. I was happy moreso because, I was able to listen to my favorite artist play The Best of Me. I am a huge David Foster fan, and I loved the version done by him and Olivia Newton-John. Marx wrote the song with Foster and Jeremy Lubbock. I have been waiting for Richard to record that himself for what seems like forever. I remember hearing it and having tears come to eyes. A good song always does that to me. I wish things like that could go through a renaissance, but I feel that never will be. I hope that record companies can eventually find a way to enjoy that feeling again. Music isn't what it used to be and it's almost like the talent bar has been lowered. It's not that I don't like artists like Beyonce and Lady GaGa, but it doesn't feel as cool as listening to a Billy Squier record. It just doesn't seem like new artists put the same dedication and care into their records. I think that technology takes away the need to "have the goods." Some people say what goes around, comes around. Maybe that will hold true with music. We can only hope, but then I'm older. My tastes will always be rooted in the past, but I definitely love newer music. I can't wait to see what turn the future will bring.

Random Feelings About Seasonal Ridiculousness

I can't believe how great the weather has been over the last few Summer days. This is the kind of weather that I wait for all year long. I'm not a fan of Winter to begin with, so I relish every Summer day. I love to go to the beach, whether I swim or just walk on the boardwalk. I just love to take in the lush landscape of the season. All of the flowers and trees with their bright green stems, blossoms, and leaves paint a beautiful portrait to behold. I know that some people could say similar words about the Autumn or Winter, but I think it's much different and less enjoyable. I've never been a fan of Winter with the heralding of cold weather and for other reasons too. I really don't like the holidays that much. I can do without all of the hustle and bustle. I wish that we had one holiday that could fall on a warm day in June. This holiday would encapsulate all the meanings and traditions which are included in them as separate events. I really think that, in lieu of buying ridiculous amounts of gifts, we should just have one family meal. This meal should be a potluck where everyone's dish is the gift to the family. This doesn't only have to combine the holidays that fall in the Winter months, but for birthdays and other holidays during the year. In Vietnam, they celebrate everyone's birthday on one holiday, rather than separate days scattered all over the year. I think that's a great idea.

This idea of combining holidays would lessen the giver from overextending themselves during that time and would eliminate the need of sifting through the crowd at your local shopping mall. I truly believe it would cut down on holiday stress and make everyone enjoy themselves. I think that you should have the choice to make it a family event or to opt out of celebrating without feeling any guilt whatsoever. Maybe there would be less depression during that time. Winter sucks the life out everyone to begin with. Why would you want to dump stressful, advertisement ridden holidays on top of it all? You have crappy television commercials that just peddle the idea that we all have to spend large amounts of cash in order to prove diligent Christian worship. Of course the main instigators are Hallmark and Coca-Cola, which go out of their way to make you either heavy, depressed, or a combination of both. This depends on which product you blindly purchase. If we took away the pressure of gifts or the feeling of inadequacy that both of these holidays bring about, maybe the world would be easier to tolerate. It would make things easy, and less about materialism. I would rather it be a holiday of choice, than one of necessity. I think that the December holidays emphasize the fact that some people have no families or have gone through tragedy during some part of their lives. Honestly, I think that these holidays remain popular because it gives some notion that it fuels the economy. Maybe I'm a Scrooge, or the Grinch, but I think it would take away the need to live beyond your means for the sake of the cultural norm.