Musings of a College Student

New Year New Blog, For a While

2012-01-11T01:18:00.000-05:00

Since my academic pursuits are on hold for a semester, I thought that I would put my writings on Tumblr. I have had this account for sometime, but have neglected to use it. Finally I feel it's the right time to dust off the moth balls and use that venue for a while. This blog is called Confessions of a Housewife and you can read it by clicking here. I hope that everyone is a having a great start to 2012 and I hope that you will all join me in reading my essays and musings on Tumblr.

Sometimes It's Difficult

2011-12-21T16:36:00.001-05:00

Did you ever get the feeling that no matter how far you claw yourself out of the abyss, someone is there ready and willing to push you back in? Lately one particular person seems to make everything very difficult, even if he isn't doing it deliberately. It just depresses me, because there is nothing I can do to make things improve. I'm afraid to see how things will be when he'll have more responsibilities over his living situation. All I know is that I'm tired mentally and physically. I shouldn't be this tense and sad near the holidays. That's all I have for today.

The Last Day

2011-12-19T12:30:00.000-05:00

Today is the last day that I will be stepping into a classroom here on campus. I've finally dealt with all of the obstacles that have been in my way toward graduation. I've been able to build confidence in my study efforts for my final exam and I'm just ready to move on to greener pastures. For a long time, I thought that I would only have the option of being a teacher, but I am realizing that I shouldn't sell myself short. I've decided to find out about the communications program at Kean University in Union for the Autumnal Semester. I love radio and I'm willing to learn about all the aspects dealing with the industry. I know that it may be a fading market for some formats, but I am still eager to find my way. Am I concerned about heading into my forties? Of course I am! I won't let that stop me from doing what I have always dreamed.

For a very long time, I felt as if I had nothing to offer as a person. I felt deprived of education and I felt like I lacked the intelligence to do much of anything with my life. There wasn't anyone to blame for that situation but me. The feelings of inadequacy made me feel depressed and worthless. When my husband decided to go back to school, that's when I began to summon up the courage to apply for classes myself. Of course that was a while back. Because of scheduling, health, and family matters, there were times when school was put on hold, but I went back to classes as soon as possible. I am hoping against hope that I won't have any trouble attending Kean. I have always wanted to go on to a better school, and since Kean University is a state school, I will be paying less money. Very excited to see how things turn out! Missing a semester will be tough, but I do my best to get through it.

My Holiday Feelings

2011-12-12T11:42:00.001-05:00

(If you do not agree with certain things that I mention in this essay, then I apologize)

Lately I have been thinking about the holidays. I realize that this is supposed to be the "Season of Giving," but why do we have to succumb to all of these advertisements and spent such grandiose, obscene amounts of money? I've always wondered if, rather than giving lavish gifts or any gifts at all, having a family meal or a potluck dinner where everyone shares their favorite dish instead. It just seems that we tag this line drive of over-consumerism, rather than just enjoying the season of having friends and family together for one day. If we did something like that, maybe people wouldn't look at their credit card statements with such disgust. We could actually take the money we would have spent on presents and place it into a savings account. It is kind of like being your own cog in the wheel of your financial future. I mean that in a good way. I'm paying down all of my credit card bills and I know that lavish gifts are a thing of the past. I would rather cook or bake for my family and friends. I would rather spend valuable, quality time with them. To me, that is so much more important than a gift that may or may not be returned.

I have, in a more recent sense, equated this time of year in a very dim sort of light. I have to say that I am not Christmas' biggest fan. This is for more of the secular aspects than the religious aspects on their own. The season always makes me feel worse about my own life. Christmas was my Mother's holiday and she was the one that brought everyone together for the celebration. After she died a year ago, I felt even more like the Grinch about the whole issue. There isn't anything wrong with those who enjoy the meaning of the Christmas holiday celebration and, if you can believe it, I envy that festive nature. I try my best to do nice things to remind myself that the Yuletide season is meant to find joy for your good deeds. I've also tried to remind myself that this celebration helps to sustain you through the long, cold Winter. This year, I decided to do the more traditional aspects of the holiday. I decorated the tree, filled out the greeting cards, watched some classic holiday films, and even did some of my shopping. With shopping, I kept everything to a minimum and I realized you can purchase great items for very reasonable prices just by comparison shopping. I love the scan bar app on my Android phone, because it really comes in handy during this time of year.

Maybe this year will be different than past years. Maybe I will find some sort of grace out of the whole situation. Grace may be pushing it, being that I am a free-thinker and have no religious denomination whatsoever. I guess I should call it a secular epiphany. We'll see how that goes. I've been looking at my holiday tree and smiling lately. It reminds me of all the holiday celebrations that I have hosted over the years and all of the memories that my husband and I accrued during our sixteen year marriage. It also reminds me of some of the losses that we have had over the years, but the holidays are always bittersweet that way. My favorite part of the holiday and probably the only thing I really love is egg nog. I love making my egg nog with a little Southern Comfort and a grate of nutmeg. Yum! Right now, as part of my holiday season, I am reminding myself about how lucky I am for the blessings in my life. I have a wonderful husband, a roof over my head, two wonderful sisters, my Dad, my sweet furry babies (a.k.a my pets), and my friends. I'm lucky enough to be graduating from school this December and getting into Kean University in Union if all goes well. My graduation was put off for family reasons.

The holidays are a time where you find tolerance for one another, compassion for those around you, exercise selflessness, and find gratitude. I'm learning that to relieve stress, during one of the most stressful times of the year, is to enjoy the company of your loved ones. They say that clinging on to the spirit of the holidays helps to sustain you throughout the year. Maybe we need to reflect on the joy of the holidays as a child. That spirit is so pure, especially the anticipation alone. When you are a child, the holidays seem so magical. You have Santa and the treasure trove of gifts. I never realized how lucky my sister and me were during those times in our lives. Now I mark this time of year, by giving a book to a needy child every year. Now that the holidays are just around the bend, I'm preparing myself for the occasion and trying to lessen the feelings of obligation. I want this holiday to remind me of where I came from, why I am the way that I am, and how much I really appreciate the bond I have with my family. I think that this is the true meaning of the season for me personally. If you can get around the holiday obstacles, which can include arguments, I think you can actually find the whole experience quite rewarding and enjoyable.

Math Anxiety

2011-12-12T10:33:00.001-05:00

When you think of being frightened or having a phobia, a fear of heights or a fear of being closed in or claustrophobia are the first ones that come to mind. Common fears such as a stage fright or a fear of public speaking are, also, notorious. There is another fear that is just as common, if not more common than most fears, and that is math anxiety. With math anxiety, even calculating your grades or the tip for a pizza delivery bill may feel like a tedious task. Math anxiety is an intense emotional feeling of fear that a person has about their ability to understand and work with mathematics. (Texas State University) This can be confused with test anxiety, which is a fear of taking a subject examination. According to the WY Math Project, “Anxiety comes in two forms: Somatic and Cognitive.” (Western Wyoming Community College) Those who are affected by math anxiety can suffer with one or more of these forms.

When I would deal with Math as a subject, especially when I was in high school and even in my college years, I found myself increasingly convinced that I could not pass through any math course. No matter how much I would study or how much time I would put into the work, I would choke at test time. This began for me as a young child in elementary school. I was the type of student who excelled at English or Reading studies, but fell short when it came to Mathematics. My teachers put me into resource to see if that would bolster my confidence. When I was older, I would go to tutors to try and alleviate the issue. I still dealt with the same stumbling blocks. Making friends with Math, in my opinion, is the most challenging task in the world. To me, learning mathematics, especially algebra, was like learning a second language.

Attempting to remedy the problem of math anxiety can be an obstacle-ridden process. A student may feel helpless or hopeless just attempting to finish their homework assignments. This can cause that student to refrain from doing the work altogether, because the task feels insurmountable. When test time arrives, the feelings increase and can cause an intense feeling of panic. A student may even freeze up at test time, making them unable to complete the examination. This can result in the student handing in an unfinished test, because they couldn’t find the courage to complete the work or even forgot some of the mechanics due to stress. The student can end up dropping the class or suffer with the effects on their GPA, which feels even worse.

Math anxiety can actually come from a lack of preparedness for homework or tests. When they say, “…practice makes perfect…” it’s true. Another cause of math anxiety comes from thoughts of being unintelligent, along with a fear of being obvious, especially if they are called on in class and have the wrong answer. A feeling of ineptitude can lead to patterns of negative self-talk, panic, and can even lead to depression when you are unable to finish a problem or an equation. The loss of confidence is the chief cause of math anxiety. Learning to realize that you can ask for help and educate yourself from your mistakes, is a very important asset in overcoming your fear.

To begin to cope with the feelings of math anxiety, you have to believe in yourself first and foremost. Staying assured that you can do the work and carrying a positive mental attitude is the first step of coping with the perils of math anxiety. Another step is talking and asking questions about the math work to your instructors. They are a resource that is provided to help you to work through the steps of your math problems. It may feel embarrassing to ask for help, but another step is staying convinced that it’s not wrong to learn through inquiry. Having your instructor explain the problems and equations can save you a trip to the tutor and make you feel better about the classroom environment.

If you look at the problems that are easiest first, whether it’s on a test or in your homework and classwork, then you can move your difficulty level up gradually. This is a really beneficial step in removing some of the fear of the math problems. Another step that can help you with math anxiety is keeping up with the classwork. Staying current on the classwork and homework can keep the math concepts fresh in your mind and creates a solid foundation to work from when you study. (Woods) This can also help when you move on to more complex math courses. There can be different approaches to solving an equation or problem, which can help your execution of the work. (Texas State University) Learning from making mistakes early on can help you during test time. Practicing the math can help you avoid wrong answers when exams arrive. According Dave Woods, Associate Professor of Mathematics at Austin County College, maintains that, “If you come into an exam with a feeling of preparedness you will be less likely to experience the physical effects of anxiety.” (Woods)

Sometimes you forget that you use math every day, but practicality never really enters the picture for those who suffer from math anxiety. I still have to remind myself that it is not very complicated. Though I have improved my math skills somewhat, I still find myself slipping backwards. Trying to learn from those feelings and realize when you have those triggers gives you the chance to overcome them and relax about the work. Math is not the most difficult subject in the world and I feel the need to take a deep breath. If you just make an effort, you can see where you can improve on mistakes and excel without worries.

References:

"Math Anxiety." Counseling Center. Texas State University at San Marcos, 2011. Web. 10 Dec 2011. .

Woods, Dave, ed. "Coping with Math Anxiety." . Austin County College, 2011. Web. 10 Dec 2011. .

"What is Math Anxiety?." WY Math Project. Western Wyoming Community College, 2011. Web. 10 Dec 2011. .

Life on the Homefront, College Life and Planning for Afterward

2011-10-03T17:12:00.000-04:00

So I decided to sign up for a transfer seminar. I'm graduating and I was agonizing over my GPA, so I went to the Advising Dept. at the college for options. I was really looking forward to being a student at GCU this Autumn, but then certain events my Father created put a wrench in those plans. Now I have to find a new school to attend and that has to coordinate with where I will be in the seven months. I'm starting to feel the stress but, at the same time, I feel happy that I am accomplishing something. My GPA is ample and I feel comfortable enough that I will find a decent school to fit my future. I spoke to the adviser and told her that I was concerned about whether or not teaching was for me. I was pleased to be reassured that I could find a four year college that would take me and I could hit the ground running with communications courses right through a school such as that. I'm still nervous, but I still feel that I should do something that makes me happy. Teaching, while that is something that I know I can do, won't make me feel whole. I know that may not make sense, but I can't put it any plainer. My heart says that radio or some form of communication work is the answer.

My husband is still working on his certifications and graphic design classes at Kean University. I can't help feeling that I would be denying his happiness if I pushed through to another school too soon. That's another obstacle that stands in my way right now. He can't be with me during the Transfer Fair on Thursday, because he has to be in class. Hopefully I will get some good information on some schools that can accommodate my major. The transfer seminar will be even more helpful in that department, because I can get a feel for the process. When I move again, I will have to find a school closer to my destination. That's one of the key factors that plays into this as well. My husband is very apprehensive about discussing this with me and I really don't know why. The only reason I can fathom is that he's worried his classwork won't transfer to another program.

Right now I am just working hard to get through Statistics. I have a great professor, which I had last semester, and so far everything is going smoothly. I had my first quarterly exam and passed it. Being that I only have the one course this semester, I can put all of my concentration on the mathematics. I don't feel so much pressure from a huge course load on top of it. I can work on some things at home and, also, work on moving forward with a clearer head. I've been reading a great deal in my leisure time, which has been wonderful. I've also been watching a ton of movies and tv series. I have found the beauty of Netflix and decided against subscribing to cable television when I moved at the end of the Summer. I have the internet for news and weather, plus my phone has that capability also. What is the point of having cable? I watch movies on my flat-screen and my computer with my large flat-screen monitor, so I don't see the point of spending all that money for Optimum. Besides, Cablevision sucks ass to begin with!

My husband and I are preparing for a visit from his Mother Linda and her fiance Andrew this week. I am so happy for both of them. I can't wait to see the both of them. They are bringing their dogs, Dolly and Earl. My cats are going to be in culture shock, although I think Stubby really won't care. It's the girls that will be out of sorts. My dog Ophelia, who is more than sixteen years old, is pretty much well-adjusted to everything. We are preparing the third bedroom for them and hopefully everything will be ready by the end of the week. We are still working on improvements around the house bit by bit, just to make things comfortable. We've got most of our things unpacked, but I want to get some of my books on the shelves. Things will happen as they should. Well I'm going back to reading Saving Fish from Drowning by Amy Tan. I will write more again soon. Have a great beginning to your Autumnal Season! Love you all :)

9/11 Ten Years Later

2011-09-12T18:01:00.003-04:00

It's been ten years since that day and I can still recall seeing the news with perfect clarity. My mind recalls the horror and tragedy that flashed across the screen for everyone to see. It was heartbreaking, terrifying, and it made you realize the fragility of the human condition. That day so many people came together for one cause selflessly and with the hope of saving as many people as they possibly could. There had never been something of this magnitude so close to home and an indelible mark had been made.

Even though our country commanded war in the wake of this event, we still have to live with the loss. The only way to honor the ten years after this day is to remember the friends, loved ones, and those who tried to save those people. Fighting violence with violence will never bring them back. It's the memories, love, and gratitude that will live on in our hearts forever. Remember that we should hope against hope that the troops, who are fighting this war, find their way home safely. Remember that we can be a peaceful nation once more.

Back to School; Back to School :)

2011-09-12T12:57:00.005-04:00

My Summer seemed very abbreviated this year, but I really don't mind. If there was anything that I've been craving, it's been Autumn semester. There are still reservations as to how things will turn out, but I am matriculating after this semester. I picked up applications for a different university. I was going to attend Georgian Court University, but with everything changing so fast this Summer, I didn't have time to take my last course during the quick term. I've decided to look into Kean University, not just for the convenience of travel, but the reduction of price per credit. I can't say what quality the education will be in their teaching programs, but you never know. This isn't the only school that I am going to look into, but it's the first one after ruling out GCU.

I have been as intrepid as possible when it comes to finishing this part of my degree, but certain points have been a bit tedious due to personal circumstances. I can complain and say, 'It's not fair; why me?" How is that really accomplishing anything? It's just crying over spilled milk. So I am taking my Statistics course and enjoying my time on campus again. If I go to Kean University, I can work the radio station as well. That's also a bonus. Another avenue for me is getting my degree and then going to Brookdale College to take some communications courses and move forward toward radio and promotion studies. Choices, choices for me, but I have some time to think about it. I may also choose a college in another state. My husband and me want to move out of New Jersey, because of the expense of living here.

My husband is currently working and completing his design certifications. Truthfully, I have no idea how he accomplish both without collapsing. The poor man looks so dog tired by the end of the day. He is the sweetest, most hard working man I have ever met in my entire life. We've been married for what will be sixteen years on September 23rd of this year, and this December 24th for 19 years total. We've seen each other through some really tough times, and he's seen me through my lowest points. I couldn't ask for a better man. Everything we do, we do for each other. So really my choice of vocation has to be right for both us. So, I have a bit of soul searching to do this Fall. I'm giving myself give less than five months to prepare for the next step.

When I started to set up the plans to go to GCU, I was really earnest about going. Things seemed sure and I thought that was going to be part of my future. It's amazing how prepared you have to be for change. I am not upset at all anymore but, at first, I admit disappointment. When I found that I wanted to move and that certain opportunities arose that I was silly not to take, I had to ask myself, "Was I going to move to a nicer home or stay in a smaller one. So I put off the expensive education and the one class that would push me to graduation, and I feel like I can breathe a bit. I will file for graduation this November. Things will land as they should and I'm not going to stress over it all. I will write about my experiences as they progress. It's definitely going to be an adventure. Especially if I move out of state. Ha!

Why? LOL

2011-08-28T21:27:00.001-04:00

Well I guess Lady Gaga was bored so she decided to dress up like Prince for an early Halloween look on the VMA's. I guess the meat dress wasn't enough LOL! She looks like an ugly derelict dude. Was this supposed to carry some message? I have to say that I usually find her work creative, although most of it has been done by other artists in the 80's and 70's. Even one of the Theirry Mugler costumes in Bad Romance was used in a George Michael video from the early 90's. I liked her use of shock value along with her singing voice. This is a bit confusing and I have to say, so was the pastrami dress,

Moving On

2011-08-28T20:53:00.000-04:00

There have been so many times in my life where I felt as if I were spinning the proverbial wheels in the mud and really not moving forward at all. Finally it seems that I'm advancing. I've moved, I'm finishing the first part of my degree, and I'm consider the next chapter of my life. I used to find these whimsical little or no so little amusements that made me happy for a very long time because, let's face it, I was a very sad woman for a very long time. There were many different points in my life that left me discouraged and completely devoid of any value. Sometimes it was entertaining sometimes very frivolous and maybe costly outings that made me forget what was going on at home. I have a wonderful husband who was caring enough to let me do those things, but there were times that I probably shouldn't have. It wasn't just the loss of my mother that threw me, even though it wasn't easy. It was a series of things over many, many years that really sank my self-esteem into the swamp.

Sometimes you have to wonder who your friends are too. You can surround yourself with people who call themselves that, but that is definitely subject to scrutiny. Many' many times I can remember trying to buffer my depression with people who really didn't give a flying fuck about me. People that I had extended the olive branch to without thinking twice. The weird thing is that I'm not bitter about that. I find it to be an incredible learning experience. Some of these people still chat with me on the internet, but they never pick up a phone to call me or anything like that. Very few people are part of my life that way lately. Part of that is moving as well, not so much enforced isolation. No matter what anyone tells you, you cannot boost your self-esteem by the amount of friends you acquire. I definitely think that it's being happy about what you do everyday. Having friends to share that with, well that's nice too as long as the playing field is equal.

Now that I am progressing and moving on, I'm thinking about doing something that I kind of kicked to the corner. I think that I'm going to take some more communications courses. I wasn't going to do that, but I really think that I would be cheating myself if I didn't. I want to be happy for once in my life. Radio makes me happy and I'm not going to short change myself. I will always have the background to take the teaching courses as well, and if I have to I can fall back into that course of study. So I'm not afraid about that.really. We'll see where life takes me. I love music, and I want to make that part of my life. Doing college radio was so much fun and I realized that I wanted to make that my career. I would even settle working behind the scenes. It's just a great industry that I really want to be a part of. I think with the satellite radio boom, there has been growth in the industry in that sense, but who knows the fate of FM radio.

Catchin' Up

2011-08-11T10:36:00.001-04:00

This whole Summer I have been unable to write. I feel as if I am stifled. Things have been complicated, some due to impending residence change, but mostly for my clack of inspiration. I have to say that this isn't the easiest of Summers for me. My life has been conflicted by the incompetence of my own parent, not due to illness, because of his poor planning and his presumptions that someone else will always take care of him. You'd think he was 80 years old, but he's just 65 and without life skills. My husband and myself are going through a challenging period whereas we want to move out of New Jersey in five months. This means that we both need to secure new employment and a new residence, as well as a new neurologist to deal with my medical conditions. I need to leave so many things behind and remove some pressures, therefore removing the need for tranquilizers. My father and other elements really give me anxiety. All I want to do is find some peace and some happiness for me and my husband. I don't think that's too tall of an order. I'm going to take a deep breath, think positive thoughts, and make our dreams a reality.

Mixed Feelings (A Mobile Blog)

2011-07-15T18:44:00.001-04:00

You get this picture in your mind of how life should be working, especially when you reach a certain age, and something never goes according to your plans. Lately, I have been wondering if my direction was correct. You get to a point where you think that all of your ducks have to be a row. I have definitely hit that stage in life.  I've always been the type to support the dreams and choices of those I care about, and I've never really put much thought into what I really needed. I have a loving relationship and friendship with my wonderful husband Donald, and that is perfect. My family life, outside of my husband and his family, hasn't been all roses, but I've always known what I've had to deal with. They've all had their goals and dreams, and sometimes I put myself aside so they could have them. Now, I believe it's my turn. I have been a bit saddened by the postponement of my work toward a teaching degree, but I realize that there are other things that need to come first. After Fall semester and two classes I'm taking to stay "in the loop," I'm finally getting my time. I want to state that sometimes you have to be a little selfish, because everyone needs "their time." When my mother, sister, and father were living their lives, I took care of my great aunt who suffered with Alzheimer's disease. My husband was the only one who helped me during those seven years. The only problem is you get knocked down during times like that, and my husband and I were knocked down in many other situations since. It's like you are in this trench that prevents you from clawing your way out. I get so frustrated that I cry over it, but I try not to feel defeated. Lately my life is a series of revolving doors and I can't seem to stop spinning through them or watch other people leave. That same theory applies to other aspects of my life as well. Maybe I need to take the chance and let the chips fall where they may sometimes, but what if I fail? I feel that, at my age, it's not an option. I need to have some kind of structure or stability. This is not just for me, but for my husband as well. Over the last year, the rug has been yanked out from under me. I don't think that I can ever trust that things will work out perfectly, in any respect, again. I want to change that perspective, but it's not happening for me. Who knows what can happen in a couple months or even a few months. It just seems like everything is a gamble. I want to go to school and I want enjoy the rest of my life with Don, but I don't want worry at every turn. I think that at 39, my husband and I deserve that. I want to do for myself, but my life seems to block things or, at least, make it hard to make good things happen.

As Time Goes By (A Mobile Blog)

2011-06-25T11:57:00.005-04:00

This is a different kind of post when it comes to remembering, because I am a realist. With that in mind, please take the time to bear with me....

It has been a year since I've lost the presence of my mother to her death. Things have been different in many ways and in some ways I've changed how I view loss. At first I grappled with the notion that it was her time and that some cosmic force, over and above myself, dictated the cessation of her life. This kind of took my already conflicted and angry view of that angle to an even more incensed level than usual. I was, "...angry at God for his poor timing and selfish removal of a loved one." I then began to work myself past this phase of my grief after retracing the steps of how my mother decided to live her life. The realization of her recklessness appeared to me like a rude comment. A thought began to revolve in my brain, which said plainly, "Your mother's plans really had no regard for your family; she was out for herself." This made me so angry and I began to cry out of frustration over not seeing this before it was much too late. She never took care of herself medically and left everyone out of loop, plus she never plan for my father's financial future. She just died once she stopped working with the hope that someone would take care of her in the manner that she had expected.

Even though I loved and respected my mother on many levels, this was presumptuous and a shot in the dark. This was the same poor planning that both grandmother and great aunt exercised when they met their ends. Is this because they felt that they had taken care of someone else all of their lives and they had some sort of entitlement? If that is the case, wouldn't that have been presented in a clearer context. The only guess I can make is that they didn't want any room for objection when it came to their "plans." What my mother failed to realize or, at least, failed to care about, was my father's ability to live life independently. This angered me more than anything else, because it leaves me and my sister with the difficult task of finding a way to make my Dad capable of living his own life. I shouldn't let this turn into resentment but, unfortunately, that is the obstacle that I am fraught with at this particular moment.

It's funny though, because I've been dreaming about her recently. It took me a year to let those thoughts to enter my subconscious, but now they've planted themselves there. Mom makes little cameos here and there within my dreams and I'm not particularly sure whether or not it's her voice that I'm hearing. The facial features are the one distinguishing giveaway when it comes to her character. I have wondered whether or not this was my way of finding some solace when it came to her memory. I have also wondered if this was my psyche's way of working out some plan to forgive her. Aside from one dream that she was presented in, she came through in a nonthreatening manner. The one dream or nightmare, if you will, consisted of someone choking me to death. Not sure what that meant, but I can only say that it we completely and utterly terrifying to say the least. Maybe I shouldn't eat close to bedtime. Ha!

Aside from most of my feelings, I have a deep sense of regret and a void that is incapable of being filled. Sometimes I long to tell my mother about the good things that occur in my life, such as my grades or my impending graduation, and she isn't there to listen, to hug me or congratulate me. When I was laden with doubt and needed someone to comfort me, she was absent from my life. I couldn't laugh with her or go to a movie with her. I even miss the occasional argument, as frustrating and unintelligent as they may have been. She used to relish in the notion that she was always correct in her assumptions and maybe that was part of the reason her life was all too brief. I'm beginning to think that she may have felt some kind of invincibility or at least some measure thereof. I'll never be able to answer all of the questions that surround the incident that occurred a year ago. Life is funny, because in one breath you think someone is the rock in your life and in the next they've disappeared like mist in the hot sunlight. Hopefully I can reconcile with most of my emotions and, even though it will always be uncomfortable, I will find some measure of peace. I miss you Mom. I wish you had taken the time to realize how important life is and that giving up shouldn't have been part of the outline.

Intrepidness and Bravery: I Need Both

2011-06-13T21:31:00.001-04:00

Giving my life a great deal of thought, I'm still concerned about whether or not it's going in the right direction. I have never taken a risk and I think that's part of my problem. I'm stepping through a new door in August and I can't wait to hang that diploma on the wall over my desk. This is an English degree, with a minor in psychology. I wish that I could just pack a suitcase this Summer and, rather than taking two courses, go to Spain for two weeks with the husband.Unfortunately, I haven't got the money to travel like that and the mathematics courses are a necessity.
I wish I had travelled more in my life, but that will happen for me. I just know it. I'm basically nervous about money, which inhibits anything adventurous for me. So, many people I know travel around the country and some even for concerts. I've done that a couple times, although not terribly far for a concert. The furthest my husband and I have gone was Connecticut. Maybe one day I'll travel for a Richard Marx show or a Keith Urban show sometime in the near future. Maybe I will even have a more exciting reason for embarking on a trip.

Maybe I shouldn't be afraid of my future. Maybe I shouldn't be afraid at all. I should be brave and know that anything is possible. I still have a lot of life ahead of me. At least I think so. I just wish that I wasn't constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have to learn to enjoy life for all its bumps and obstacles. This June is the hurdle of so many things, but when it passes, I can take a very deep breath and move on to something more interesting.

Will I Ever Love This Month (A Mobile Blog)

2011-06-01T13:03:00.003-04:00

Lately I've been thinking a great deal about the year that's passed. There are so many events that I'm proud of, those I wish never happened, and those that fell under the category of "nature's will." I've thought about my dealings with grief, my thoughts of my mother, school, friendly relationships, and the way I deal with my father and my sisters. I realize now how much of a rock Don, my husband, is in my life. The unstable ground that own parents treaded on for most of their lives and the crap that my mother left in her wake. Though I loved my mother dearly, her planning and feelings toward the aftereffects of her reckless lifestyle were more than immature. I'm not the picture of fiscal intelligence, but at least my husband and I are responsible individuals. My father's tackling of mere simple tasks, which I had no idea that he was clueless about, never seem to be accomplished and if I told you what those were, you wouldn't believe that someone could be that careless. When it comes to me, I'm trying to foster as much change in my life as possible. Some of this is to distance my self from that situation and some of it is to finally have an accomplishment and a life that is truly mine. I had radio, which I will always miss and I even briefly thought of communications, but it's not realistic for me at all. At least I don't think that really will be the right avenue to take. Honestly, once my husband and I find our way, I want to move as far away from my family as possible. I'm not talking about Donald's really. It's not that I do not love them, but I need some distance between us. It will improve our relationship significantly. As the anniversary of my mother's demise approaches, I can't help feeling happy that the start of my classes follows it. My life moves; my life moves on and my resentment will drain away. I will begin anew. I want to start think that June 29th is the date that my second shoe dropped and my life turned for the better. Would my mother have wanted it that way, who knows? I could never gauge that. My sister carries her ashed remains in an urn in her basement and I don't believe or at least I can't wrap my mind around an afterlife. I'm too much of a realist and I guess I find myself as one of those people who only believes in what they see. I don't think that there is anything wrong with that. I feel that if religion brings comfort to someone, they have every right to incorporate that practice into their lives and I have no room to judge them. I digress because, for some maudlin, ridiculous, reason, my sister is clinging on to my mother's remains instead of letting her go. I guess we have different ways of viewing life. I want to end some conditions this month and move on. I want to feel whole again and feel happy instead of broken. This month I gave up Facebook, not because I hated it or the people, but to enjoy a free life writing, reading, and facing people in the outside world instead of photographs on the internet or a player in a video game. I don't mind Tweeting, because honestly, it's less of a distraction. Twitter gives me links to the New York Times and other periodicals, and doesn't act merely in social ways. I'm away from my desk. This is another part of June that is different and new. Now I barely turn the computer on. Even now, I am writing from my Android phone. Believe it or not, once school starts, I may go back to it. Right now I am enjoying the freedom of being away from some prying eyes and the ability to share my writings on here alone. Hopefully, during this month, more prolific essays will emerge, but we'll see. In the meantime, I'm enjoy the Summer-like days that early June brings. I bid everyone a Happy Summer filled with sunshine, health, prosperity, and fun most of all!

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This Well I Have

2011-05-28T12:25:00.002-04:00

Lately I have been struggling with this gnawing sadness in my life. Maybe I shouldn't use the word lately, because this has been ongoing for a long, long time. I have a wonderful husband who is a best friend and lover to me, I have a wonderful family who loves me dearly, but I feel this deep deficit in my life. Don't mistake this post as me feeling sorry for myself, because it's quite the contrary. I'm beginning to work out why my life is turning in this direction. I realize that my sadness comes from my inability to connect on a social level or, in simpler terms, I don't have many friends. I have been thinking this over for so long and maybe it's that I'm not likable or lack the type of personality that one would want to connect with as a friend. I wish I could pinpoint one exact cause for this issue, but I'm not sure how to go about it. I'm not going to lie; it does make my heart ache. It's funny, I can look at Facebook and see how many people end up on a list, but I'm still perplexed with the reasoning for connecting just for the sake of "doing so." I know that I have been guilty of that, but more for the sense of following the news of a musical artist, favorite designer, or a movie that's set to premiere. Sometimes Facebook makes me feel more lonely than I should, which is why I like to follow Twitter for it's impersonality and sometimes strict news factor. I digress. Maybe my foray into a new school will give me a chance to start new friendships and I won't feel so sad. Today I cried, because I really do feel like an oddity and someone who can never say the right thing. I want to say this, for the end of this post: If I have ever said anything out of turn, offputting, offensive, or disagreeable, I am sorry, because I'm not the best person in the world. I'm trying to improve and I am a work in progress. Maybe it won't feel like a well of difficulty one day..

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Entering Summer

2011-05-22T17:49:00.000-04:00

Summer is a precarious time for me. For those who don't know my situation, let me paint it for you: School is my one type of occupation. Yes, that is really sad. So during the Summer I have to find some sort of occupation to keep me from going stark raving mad from boredom. I have to be careful about this task, because I can endanger my medicare and social security benefits by doing so. So today, I have been spending most of my time pouring through the want-ads and hoping to find something that will suit me. Getting a job is good for two reasons. Not only will it cure the boredom problem, but it will also help me save for college this Autumn, which is very important. I'm hoping to find a job before the beginning of classes, this Summer, so that I can make a cohesive schedule with my prospective employer. Good luck to me! The last time I worked, it was for a market research corporation called Centrac and that was from 1997 - 2000. I don't even think that company exists anymore in this state. I think their corporate office is in Maryland now. I worked as a market researcher until I wasn't well enough to do it anymore.

I have set up my two classes that will prepare me for my completion and transfer to Georgian Court University. I have to take Survey of Mathematics and Statistics. I'm not upset about having to take two math courses this Summer, because they are both at night and only on Wednesday. I'll have everything set up and done by August 3rd. It's a bit scary, because there is so much that is going into this transfer. In a way, I think that my husband is lucky that he was able to finish his education right at Kean at OCC. I just wouldn't have received the classes that were necessary for my degree from that school. Plus, I was able to get a scholarship through that school and I sorely needed that to complete my work. I will probably end up doing my graduate work through GCU as well. Hopefully I can do that work while I substitute teach or if I find work as a test proctor, tutor, or something of that nature. Employment is so difficult, and I've seen friends who've struggled with more scholastic and employment experience that I have ever achieved. I'm not going to be a defeatist about the situation and I'm going to work as hard as possible to find my place.

There is no easy way out!

2011-05-07T12:22:00.001-04:00

After the whole news story about the death of Osama Bin Laden, I've been thinking of the last ten years that our country has faced. We look at one person, whom is considered a mastermind of a devastating, horrible, tragedy, and we can focus on this person as a target. During this point in history our leader, at the time, was generating his "War on Terror," but failed to find him when he went on his crusade into Iraq and subsequently failed when he made his foray into Afghanistan. Now, after all of this time and after so many lives were taken, we finally have this person. Here is a quote from the former president: "So I don't know where he is. You know, I just don't spend that much time on him ..." -- George W. Bush, March 13, 2002. Does this mean that the level of importance for finding Osama Bin Laden was very low on his priority scale. That is something that makes me wonder a great deal. Even though this one point in history occurred, this doesn't scale back the war effort. It just rallies up the moral for those who've needed closure. Who could begrudge anyone of that? This doesn't mean that President Obama is any better in terms of making strides to end the war effort. I'm sure it will bring up his approval rating a tad but, otherwise, it just took care of a figurehead that espoused a toxic movement that created a larger more difficult problem. That is the obstacle that our government and military have to address. What was the impetus that caused such hatred? Do you think the "cowboy justice" mentality that Bush and many other politicians, including President Obama most recently, makes it all better? I think not! I think it makes our government and our country look extremely unintelligent. It doesn't help that our media sinks us deeper into that abyss but, tbat can take another blog post to discuss.

I think that as Americans, we have to step away from our prejudicial politics and see the greater picture. We have a poor economy and no matter what party that you belong to, it won't go away without an intelligent plan. I've seen a great deal of imbeciles, no matter what angle they come from, that lack any cohesive plans to find a well-rounded difference for both the problems at home and abroad. They are too busy shaking down our president for birth certificates, screaming about small government, or crying "socialist." The ones who aren't into that are interested in pushing for the war effort without any set direction or finding apathy when it comes to financial repair. You know Donald Trump can scream his "birther" rants and raves, but why doesn't he help the impoverished in the midwest. They need employment and affordable housing terribly. Mr. Trump has plenty of cash to throw in that direction I'm sure. He's another nail in the unintelligent casket. Why would anyone want to see him as president? Honestly that reality show peddling asswipe is just a nuisance. I would rather see Bloomberg first, and he's even smart enough to stay away from that job.

I digress, if we took the time to find out what the true motivations were behind 9/11, other than religious suicide, maybe we can settle further disputes. We took the time to train somebody like Bin Laden, so we found a use for him. Charlie Wilson, former Texas Congressman of the US House of Representatives, helped fund his education and military training, along with the CIA. They even glamorized it with a movie! Not really what they really trying to prove with that movie, but it was interesting nonetheless. I think that Obama's apathetic behavior with so many issues is going to remove him come election time, but I'm surely not going to look toward someone like Mitt Romney as a substitution. Who will be a rational choice? What joke will they find next? I feel for our president, because he doesn't seem stupid. He's just not proactive at a time when we need that type of person. One incident isn't going to save a floundering adminstration. I'm a liberal and I never thought that he had anything to offer from the get go. It had nothing to do with his birthplace or party; it was his platform. He had nothing! What change was he looking for? I'm still wondering!

Easter Memories

2011-04-24T13:50:00.009-04:00

Today, even though I had a great brunch with family, I was feeling so ill at ease. It night seem strange, because you are supposed enjoy the time with your loved ones. As I got my first cup of coffee, I realized that my husband was at work today and my mother was gone. It felt so irregular without my Mother-in-Law Linda, and the rest of the family as well. Just so many differences. My mother loved Easter, and still bought candy for us, even as we became adults. Of course that candy, eventually, came with flowers as we grew up. My Mother-in-Law would have dinner with us and my Father-in-Law, Sister-in-Law, and Brother-in-Law, and Mom would have Dad, Lenore, Tim, Don and I for brunch at the restaurant of our choosing earlier that day. I can even recall when I was a kid going to Easter breakfast at my grandmother's house. That was always an elaborate banquet of food.

The wind up for Easter, in my family, was never the same pomp and circumstance as Christmastime, although you had the annual Allaire State Park Easter Egg Hunt, which was always fun. You had your visit to the Easter Bunny, which resulted in a coloring book, maybe some candy, and a healthy fear of people in rabbit costumes. Most of them just smelled like dust and pee. Santa, was much the same in the smell department, with a less menacing face. Santa got NORAD and transportation to deliver frivolous amounts of toys, and the Easter Bunny encourages the consumption of tooth rotting, weight gaining candy by giving baskets of it away.

Easter was easy, because I didn't have to make a list. Christmas is when you poured through the Toys "R" Us circulars and chart which toys you absolutely wanted under that tree. Most of the time parents just picked the ones they could afford or chose evenly for the both of us and then call it quits when it came to that holiday. Whereas on Easter, they pretty much bought two gorgeous baskets and a basket in the middle to share. I used to call that the community basket. A great deal of the candy was Russell Stover, which was Mom's favorite. I'm convinced it was her segue into sampling some of the marshmallow bunnies.

Everything, when it came to these points in the year, was surrounded with love and, even though I'm not religious, I still feel that void. Holidays were a special time for my Mother and she took great pains to make everyone feel special. She had this unwavering faith that everything she did had a purpose and that a higher power always had a plan for everyone. I don't think that's true, because she definitely had her own order. The holidays were always the way she planned them, even when I was hosting them, and it seems so alien to have it any other way now.

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Waste of Money

2011-04-11T20:53:00.000-04:00

I have to ask this question: Why the hell would anyone spent their hard earned money on a ticket to see Charlie Sheen's one man show? I was watching some news clips and there was one man who spent $300 on a ticket to see that moron. That is ridiculous! What happened to sensibility? Did it fall out the fucking window and hit the ground twelve stories below? He was booed and half of his audience left on his first trip to the Radio City Music Hall. I do have a humorous little tidbit from his most recent "winning" second performance in NYC: James Lipton asks, "What is your favorite curse word?" Charlie Sheen responded, "Either 'fuck' or 'Denise.'" I never knew that my name was bangin' enough for a curse word but, hey, you never know. More or less that corresponds with his intense hatred of Denise Richards, which is more of a violent thing.

Traveling Through Life

2011-04-11T20:34:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you go through the inner discussion in your life where you say, "Who am I? Where did I come from? Where am I going?" You get to that point where you ask questions, such as those, about the value of your life and it's goals. During our lives, most of us want to conceptualize the way our lives will work out. We want to know the places that we'll go and we try to make these foolproof master-plans. This comes from the basic need to be healthy, happy, successful, and prosperous. It's a natural human instinct that we all aspire to no matter what situation we come from. We have different versions of what those terms might be, but they all have a common thread. When life takes a person to a place they don't necessarily plan on, we feel this gravity of a mistake or something has gone wrong. This can often be disheartening and discouraging to a person, but can cause the rudimentary human trait to reason why this happens.

Going through trials and tribulations creates a sense of reality. The hardest parts in our lives train us to form gratitude and a sense of humility. Sometimes the obstructions, our weariness, our experiences, and our situation in life can change the course, but you get the education of the adventure. Life is fickle and subject to change no matter what outlines or planning we put into it. Buddhists say that you have to rest with the fact that nothing is permanent, and that is a hard thing to swallow. As humans, we love to cling onto everything, but you can't take everything with you. Learning to let go is the hardest part and even if you dedicate most of your life learning that discipline, you still may never truly get it. The true learning experience is that we can stopping worrying about what needs to happen and focus on being flexible as a person. You can achieve your goals, even though there are some curves and obstacles you must travel along the way. Learning to enjoy the trip is the best part of living.

I'm Going to Miss Radio

2011-03-31T19:13:00.000-04:00

I am so going to miss my radio station job here at the college when the semester ends! I'm sitting here right now behind the mic and really loving what I do here. I get to play my favorite tunes and share them with as many people who will listen, plus I get to share my banter here and there. It's the best opportunity that I've been allowed to have here on campus. I don't think that I will be following through with it as a profession, but I will never forget how happy this has made me. I've been lucky enough to be able to do some charity work through this as well. Next semester, I will have a whole new journey to embark on, but these are memories that will always stay with me. I'm more than thankful that I can have this much fun right now. I've even plugged my favorite singers and artists on here, which has been great fun. I get to play everything from metal to country to rhythm and blues, without a set format. It's my dream playlist of all time. Nothing is ever perfect and that's college radio, but I've learned a great deal from the experience. I've gotten a chance to use equipment that I've never tried before and I've put my public speaking skills to the test. Definitely one of the best times of my life.

The Second Half of My Education Continues

2011-03-28T21:01:00.001-04:00

I was accepted to Georgian Court University today. I don't know if I should feel all that excited about it, being that it is a local university, but I think it's pretty big in scale. Tonight, I am going to fill in all of my FAFSA information and make my appointment with advising. I have only one obstacle standing in my way, a math class. They want me to take Survey of Mathematics to round out my requirements. Now this isn't a big deal to me. I would rather do this than calculus or statistics, so I'm not really complaining or grumbling all that much over the issue. There are many other issues that I have to deal with when it comes to preparing for this school that are far more challenging than my last Ocean County College requirement. Of course, these issues have nothing to do with my academic life. There are things that I will miss about coming to OCC, like my radio work at Viking Radio, but there will be other things to occupy my time I'm sure. I never thought that I would be doing all of this in my late thirties, but better late than never at all. I have a classmate in my Biology class who is older than me and she is taking classes so that she can go into the biomedical field. I find that even more inspiring to me, because it gives me more incentive to pursue my dreams.

The thing about OCC is that it's not really like a university in that it's a very relaxed atmosphere when it comes to most curriculum, grading, and classroom environment. In fact, not to criticize some of the instructors that work at this institution, I think some of them just come here to teach part-time as a means of not fully retiring or not dedicating themselves to a full workload. I have an instructor like that this semester, and I feel like I'm really not learning all that much from a lecture perspective. All of the literature from the course, that I read on my own time, makes up for most of it. So I have to take into consideration that my next step isn't Hooper High, it's a real university. Not all of the instructors from OCC are like this though, because I have some really wonderful professors over my time here. These are the people who really cared about their students and taught me. My favorite English professor at OCC, William Kanouse, improved my writing skills by one-hundred-fifty percent. Unfortunately, Prof. Kanouse passed away a few years back. He was the toughest teacher I've had, but I learned a great deal. My former Shakespeare professor, Dr. Botein is awesome too! I really found a new interest in the plays through her class. I'll miss classes like those. There are good and bad apples, as they say, wherever you go.

I had gone through different choices about what to do with the rest of my educational career and I have come down to two different paths. One is to pursue an English/Education degree that I can use to teach with, and the other is pursuing Journalism, which is very uncertain. I have been accepted into the teaching program at the Woman's College at Georgian Court University, but I am going to minor in communications and journalism. I want to keep those hopes alive in case I want to change majors sometime in the future. The bonus with going into their teaching program is that I get the inclusive courses in the No Child Left Behind program, which will add to my certifications. This will be a tough course-load, but I am willing to work hard. I realize that all of the radio dreams and all of that will not be part of my future right now, but you never know how things will change later on. I'm not completely counting it out right yet. I'm really excited about my life right now and I can't wait to be a student at GCU.

A little catch up :)

2011-03-24T19:57:00.001-04:00

It's been a very busy time for me lately and I haven't really written anything on this blog in quite a while. With that thought in mind, I thought that I would make a little journal post to catch everyone up on everything that I have been doing and everything that has occurred since I've last written on here. As you all know, I have finally come to my last semester at Ocean County College. Finally I raised enough courage to sign up to Georgian Court University, and I am waiting for my acceptance letter. Hopefully that will arrive sometime soon. If it does, I may actually follow up and register for classes. Hopefully there won't be so many issues that will get in my way of following through with the other half of my education. They were really helpful at the admissions office. I wanted to get my time-sheets from the radio station so that I can list them as my clubs. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it all works out for the best, because I am really nervous about all of it. I was thinking about life decisions over the past month. Mostly because of rite of passage and its many forms. I realize now, and I really tossed and turned over my life for a while, that I'm comfortable with my husband, my pets and I as a little family. I love that I am pursuing a bright new future and that I'm broadening my horizons every day. I couldn't imagine climbing up a mountain and achieving so much, only to stop at its precipice and turn around. I would die inside and nothing could ever spell reward in lieu of losing your best chances.

My cat Stubby has Diabetes Mellitus. I found this out a couple weeks ago. My husband and I have to give him insulin twice a day and keep him on a special diet. We noticed that he was losing a great deal of weight even though he was eating and drinking a lot. My husband thought it was a change of diet, but I just knew it was something more. When he became listless, we took him straight to the vet. I thought it was either cancer or his kidneys. I never, in a million years, would have pegged Diabetes as the cause. So far, they have upped the dosage once. Hopefully, this new dosage will do the trick. He seems to be more lively and putting on a bit more weight. I'm hoping that it will stay on that course. Stubby goes back to the vet in a couple weeks to be tested for his blood sugar levels. I really wish that I could test those with one of those glucose meters that you can get from the drug store. This way I would know sooner, plus I would save money. Stubby even has his own prescription plan from Walgreens now. It does reduce the costs of the insulin and other products needed for the injections.

I had to do some DJ work for my station's Anything But Clothes Dance Party. This thing has been sitting in the works for what seemed like ages. Finally, on the 11th, it finally proceeded. You would think that with all of the preplanning that it would have gone off famously. It was the absolute opposite. Aside from the fact that we gave the homeless people who attended a good time, we had barely anyone who attended the event. We barely raised any money at all. I felt really embarrassed honestly, because the people who ran the organization deserved more than what they received that evening. For what it was worth, at least I was able to get some new pajamas and slippers out of the deal. The food, even though some of it was provided by Fridays and the Olive Garden, was quite terrible. I was never really reimbursed for anything that I purchased for the event either, which pisses me off so unbelievably. Here is the bottom line: What was considered to be preplanning, was never preplanning at all. It was all done on the fly. It was a shame that it all turned out that way. I don't really blame anyone really, because it was just poor planning. I blame some of the difficulty on Student Life and some on misguidance in general.

I have been on an Amy Tan kick lately. I have never read her novels before until recently. I don't really know why honestly. I guess I just never thought about it. I started with the Bonesetter's Daughter and now I am reading the Joy Luck Club. The next one I want to read is Saving Fish From Drowning. I get on kicks when it comes to writers. I thrive on novelists like Maeve Binchy, Amy Tan, Jhumpa Lahiri, and Lisa See. Stuff that's not too hokey or too cotton candy for my liking. I tried reading that type of stuff over the last four years and was very disappointed. I'm gearing up to buy a copy of Jane Eyre to read again and a copy of Madame Bovary. I have a study group for a project that is being done for my Communications Law class. We have to research and discuss a libel case for a presentation during class time. So my group went to the library with me. For some of them, and these were second year students, it was the first time that had even entered the school library. I was stunned honestly. I couldn't even believe that someone couldn't even utilize the library. I was told, "What is the use of the library, when you have the internet?" To which I replied, "How could you not find the time to read or use books for research at all?"

I had a very nice Spring Break. I spent most of the time with my husband and enjoyed having some leisure in my life. On the weekend, I went out on Saturday dancing with my sister at Club Ego and then on Sunday, we went to Philadelphia for the day. We had lunch at Joy Tsin Lau and enjoyed facials at Angel Natural Beauty, then we went to South Street to do some shopping. I bought my husband's birthday gifts while I was there. It was nice, because I was able to do that without him being around to snoop. The facial was especially relaxing. My skin felt awesome afterward, although I could've done with less steam. They were trying to push some of their products to sell on me, but I wormed out of buying any of that crap. I can buy all of that where I live. No reason for me to spend all of that overhead in another state. I'm back at school now, and I'm glad to be back in the swing of things. I've got my new glasses that I'd ordered and I can see much better now. I'm also writing this from the brand new Mac computer in the library lab. I'm loving it!

Springtime

2011-03-03T19:37:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling my best right now and the reason is simple. It's the month of March! As the last frosty remnants of Winter begin to depart, we begin to see this natural renewal. Being that Spring is right at our bootheels, we feel this unavoidable need to unclutter our lives. During the Winter, we accumulate and store just as anyone would as we insulate ourselves from the cold in our homes. It's when the warm winds blow that we feel the need to unburden ourselves and commense Spring cleaning. This is the season that we allow ourselves to open the windows, wear short sleeves, and enjoy the beauty of the outdoors. We feel the urge to eat fresh fruits, go to farm markets, and arrange fresh flowers. The season that we feel the warmth of the sunshine and the glow of the verdant green landscape. Spring is that magical time that lets me take a deep breath and feel alive. Springtime is the poetic inspiration that shows that maybe we might too change, release the burdens of the past, and move on to a brighter future. The earth cycle of renewal is the magic that we are all lucky, as humans, to behold.

Charlie Sheen... An Example of What Not to Do (A Mobile Blog)

2011-03-03T11:17:00.005-05:00

I've always wondered how these celebrities become so adrift in life. Take Charlie Sheen, for instance, he has a family and still pisses it all away with drugs and wayward behavior. You can chalk that up toward mental illness, which many people suffer and self medicate through alcoholism or substance abuse. I struggle with depression and anxiety, which is definitely tedious if you don't have the proper medical treatment. I viewed the ABC interview that Charlie Sheen made and, though it had extreme moments of comedy and absurdity, it was very disturbing. It seemed to exploit a man who was obviously ill as a source of entertainment for the American Public and the rest of the world. I guess we are all guilty for needing to see something like that in one way or another. I can help feeling that it places mental illness and addiction in the same classification as the term "freak show" or "side show" to be less insulting. It gives these conditions even more of a stigma by glamorizing them in the media. The difference is that most of these people will have the money to get "clean" or rehabilitated, but the average person may not even have the healthcare to make the first step. These are the ones who end up self medicating, because they can't afford quality care. I've been lucky to have never struggled with healthcare or addiction issues, but I can sympathize with those who do, because I know the difficult road they have to travel. That's what angers me about people like Charlie Sheen, because he can throw away an indispensable amount of cash to get rehab, but the average person would never have the luxury to get that type of medical attention. Instead he just chooses to make himself a folly for network television so he can flaunt his ridiculous toxic behavior. I think that CBS had every right to cancel his show, because he's not the example people should see once a week. I think he should give the money he isn't using to get help and donate it to rehabilitation centers to give healthcare to those who can afford it. I doubt that'll happen... HA! I may not want people to be exploited, but I watched the Charlie Sheen interview knowing that I didn't feel sorry for him. Someone who acts and threatens people the way that man does, isn't the type who is looking for a change of lifestyle. Even though Charlie Sheen said, "I blinked and I cured my brain!" It was more like "I took speed and it's making me act like an insane idiot."

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Two Fold Post (A Mobile Blog)

2011-02-21T11:09:00.002-05:00

This is the first fold of this journal passage: Depressive thoughts. Do you think that if you are sad, or if you feel overwhelmed by your life, that you should be allowed to keep that to yourself? I know that I have done that in the past. It can be a frightening undertaking to deal with one's emotions on your lonesome, but I've done it. Many times I've dealt with hard knocks discreetly and I think it was less than valorous, but it saved other people from looking at some of the more sad parts of my existence. Sometimes I still grapple with that type of pain, but I've learned to channel that into other more creative avenues. I'm no poet or songwriter, by any stretch of the imagination, but I can put my thoughts on paper or on the virtual page and let it go from my heart. Sometimes I wonder if it's really wise to throw the sentences on here, because I'm always wondering if people will think less of me. Then I laugh at myself and say, "Why am I being so damn insecure all the time?!" Maybe everything I'm thinking right now is complete drivel. Some people are lucky enough to be able to write whatever they'd like and not regret one sentence. I wish that I was that free with my compositions, because it wouldn't be such a heartache every time I'd sit down to the computer or flick the editor up on Android. I know a few people who have that ease and they aren't the best writers in the world honestly.

Now I come to the second fold of this journal entry: My feelings right now! I've been falling into this indifferent slump where I'm finding myself separate from the world in a way that I never felt possible. I kind of feel embarrassed to even write this, because I feel this ineptitude to explain my difficulties to anyone in the flesh. You can call me a blatant coward or you can, also, call me someone who is entirely too thrifty to hire an analyst. The thing is that I've sat in the inside therapy circle and I know the self-help psychobabble, which doesn't help my case one inch. There is a stigma attached to getting help, and yes some people do look at you in the Girl Interrupted or One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest kind of way. You can tell people to fuck themselves if they carry prejudicial thoughts of you, because there isn't anything wrong for seeking treatment for depression. It's better than the alternative, I can assure you. You can't ridicule someone until you've travelled a mile in their moccasins. I used to think was a droll little saying, but it has a very real meaning. I digress to my earlier discussion, because lately I'm not sure if what I'm doing is the right thing. I feel like I'm walking on quicksand and I can't find my footing. My husband seems to feel very assured and I don't really grasp how that occurs. I see other people do the most ridiculous things and they make it. How does this happen? Am I too sad to make a risk? Right now, the best I can do is work hard at mt studies. It's the one part of life that I have distinct control over. Hopefully, I will have the answers to those questions one day. As it stands, I'm trying to do the best with what I'm given.

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Just Plain Catching Up

2011-02-17T20:02:00.003-05:00

I'm finally feeling the edge of Spring like a light at the end of the dark cold tunnel. Today I went from class to class without bundling up and it felt like a weight had been lifted off of me. For most people who really know me well, know that I hate Winter with the same fury that I have for daytime television. After all of that snow and ridiculous garbage that we've had this season, I was more than ready to feel a bit of a heat wave. It's the one thing that takes the miserable edge off your day. Seems kind of trivial when you think about it but, to me, it heralds the season of baseball. Baseball, next to the NFL, is my favorite sport and I miss it dearly. I miss going to MLB games. I firmly intend on attending one or two this year. I'm liking the way the Phillies are looking this year, so maybe I'll try to get Phils, Yanks tickets. You never know! It may happen for me. Those tickets are probably harder to get than a cold.

WOCC Viking Radio is getting ready to do a benefit to improve our station and to benefit Lakewood Outreach. My husband has done some flyers and we want to do some advertisements around campus. I'm thinking about doing a charity auction through my show for the station and for the Epilepsy Foundation. Something to think about. Radio is always so much fun for me. I never get bored with it at all. I do my show again this Saturday and I'm thrilled. I'm really sad to be leaving OCC at the end of this Spring, because I have to leave the station for good! I want to make sure that when I leave this school, I'm doing something that I love. Radio seems to be something I adore and I want to pursue that, but I'm not sure where to go to make that dream a reality. I'm still thinking about colleges. Oh and speaking of my radio show, please listen to me. I'm on Monday from 5:00 - 7:00 PM EST, Wednesday 11:00 - 1:45 PM EST, and Saturday from 10:00 AM to 1:00 PM EST. Click here to Listen Live! I know I'm shameless.

I have a complaint or a small rant if you will. You know, there are people in this world that talk about the same damn topic in every blog post that they compose or every word that they put on Facebook. It really makes me think that their world is limited to one item in their lives or one life experience. Listen, there are so many different facets and experiences that the world has to offer. Pick up a newspaper or maybe even read different websites or books. Watch documentaries, go to a museum, or even catch some foreign films. For goodness sakes, stop talking about one thing. It reduces the commonality between anyone else by 75 fucking percent! Live life before someone else has to live it for you. I was thinking to myself, "Damn, I'm going to be 39!" You know what though, at least I won't slow down and saddle down to one thing in my life and get completely lost. There are people who have children, have a great education, and share all that life has to offer with their families and live such fruitful lives. People who aren't lost in the mist of something and wasting talents that are so desperately in need to be shared with the world. Well anyway, that just happened.

I've been trying to stave away from heavy dairy products and I'm only halfway there, although I have been eliminating a major part of red meat intake from my diet these days. I broke for a steak once when I went to a dinner a couple weeks ago, but on the whole, I haven't been eating red meat at home. The best part about the whole scene is that I'm not eating chicken either. Just fish and veggies. I don't drink whole milk or skim, just almond milk. I want to eventually eliminate cheese from my diet entirely as well. I'm trying very hard, but it's a rough road. I really applaud those who are able to master a vegetarian lifestyle, because it's really tough. I want to be healthier, but I'm battling soda as a vice. I need to get rid of that problem. Those who've known from classes before or know me personally as a friend, probably know what I'm talking about.

Anyway, that's my life at the present moment. Not really that deep for the most part. I'm enjoying my classes for the most part. Algebra and Biology make me a bit sleepy, but I can handle that. I love my Communications Law class the most and second is my Native American Literature class. I was even late to that class and it was still good. Of course, that was because I don't drive and I had to wait on transportation. I watched a good movie the other day. Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps. I mean, it wasn't as good as the original, but it definitely had a different angle on the original premise of the story. For a sequel, which I thought would bomb horribly, it was actually quite entertaining. Charlie Sheen even made a cameo as Bud Fox. Michael Douglas was very different in the role of Gordon Gecko this time around. Definitely a good rental. Netflix it! That's all I have for now. I hope that you are enjoying your week and the delightful weather, if that's what's been coming your way. One more thing that I need to add for good measure.... I am never going to apologize for my personality, the way I speak with people, or my thoughts as I write them or say them. I've done that for far too long. I'm not out to deliberately hurt someone, but I'm not going to censor myself just to make everyone feel better about themselves.

The Gift of Love

2011-02-14T16:48:00.000-05:00

Throughout time love has been the poignant theme for composers, writers, artisans, actors, playwrights, and filmmakers. Love is primal, passionate, kind, giving, pure, and the most unpredicatable of all emotions. Love is the strongest of all emotions and carries with it a cryptic and enigmatic quality that makes it endure. Love is hard to define and, in fact, has so many facets that it's definition cannot be purely ascertained. Love creates many different actions, such as self-sacrifice, commitment, caring, and romance. Even though there is no pure definition, love is the one emotion that exhilarates, motivates, and causes us to change.

Like a great current, that is unidentifiable, love is most often recognized in it's wake. As we eclipse the frontiers of our own ego, we can let go our guard to be loved or love someone else. We can remember to love ourselves just enough to love someone else. Let down our barriers to experience peace, compassion, and true joy. We can remember the excitement and fulfillment that it brings and the satisfaction we feel in our heart. Whether this is a relationship with a lover, your bond as a parent with a child, the commitment of friendship, or sisterhood, the harvest of fulfillment is one of great comfort.

There is a great actuality when it comes to the emotion of love: It is fleeting. The reason for this is that life is fleeting. The most passionate of loves can die quickly or can endure for years. The one unflappable, unchanging notion of love is that it's not learned. Love is something that comes from humanity, and it's many different experiences and emotions that can augment or bury that emotion. Fear is the biggest factor that causes humanity to bury love, along with the lack of self-worth. By the time some people realize that there are healthy outlets for their emotions, it's too late. You have to remember that you are worth loving and you have to love yourself. That is the most important part of the game of life. That is the true Gift of Love.

Duo

2011-02-12T10:55:00.004-05:00

Went to see another wonderful Duo show again last night. Duo is the combination of the wonderful music stylings of songwriter Richard Marx and Vertical Horizon frontman and songwriter Matt Scannell. The combination is simply wonderful. If you've never seen them play yet, you've must. I went to see them at the South Orange Performing Arts Center in my home state of New Jersey. It was a very nice cozy venue, which gave way to an even better experience for these two wonderful artists. They both played their tried and true favorites, such as Scannell's Best I Ever Had and We Are, while Marx played hits such as Don't Mean Nothing, and Should've Known Better. They took the time to include some newer songs as well, such as When You Loved Me and I'm Not Running, along with a collaboration recording called Always On Your Mind. They even took the time to sit on the edge of the stage to sing that very song. It was definitely a very powerful experience. Other great highlights included Scannell's passionate rendition of Give You Back and Marx's closing song of Right Here Waiting on piano. It reminded me of his original version from the earlier years. I've seen many Duo shows, but this one blew me away. Catch one when they come to your hometown!

http://www.verticalhorizon.com http://www.richardmarx.com

A Passing

2011-02-03T20:48:00.002-05:00

Recently, my brother-in-law's beloved father, Tony, passed away. My heart is breaking for David and his family, because I know the pain and loss they are going through. Tony was a very kind person that I wish I could have gotten to know better. When something like this happens, especially to a parent or spouse, it's hard to make sense of it all. Everything seems to be on such shaky ground and all you want to do is find solace and remember things as they once were. At school, I was having a conversation with a buddhist monk from a monastery in India. It was funny, because I never thought that I would meet a Tibetan monk, but he was one of the most calm people that I have ever come across. As he smiled at me, I explained what happened to me and I told him that I really wasn't a great model for Buddhist detachment. He chuckled and told me that he was still learning to deal with that very thing. We talked a bit about loss. Maybe the monk I saw at the college today was right, "Impermanence is a fact of life, and sometimes we have to find acceptance in that." I just don't know if I can grasp that concept sometimes or even at all.

Tomorrow I will be nurturing someone who had the kind and generous heart to nurture me and my family when we needed to be comforted during a very difficult moment in life. I feel so sad and heartbroken for him and for his family. I still ask myself this question: "Why do we have to go through such deep pain and grief in life?" It's probably an age old question that will never be truly answered. You can surmise it with different philosophical angles, but you can't really answer it in the definite sense. We will all suffer and there is no way around it, and in some way we have to find peace with that. I'm not sure that I will ever be able to do that in this lifetime, no matter how much effort I put in to the process. I couldn't ask someone else to even try to do that. I just feel that we have to make sure that we love and care for the people that we surround ourselves with and just enjoy and cherish the time we have with them. Tony was blessed to have such a wonderful family and, hopefully, they will keep all of those loving memories of him in their hearts forever. That is definitely the most important parts to grasp onto, because they will always be yours no matter what.

Changing Schools (A Mobile Blog)

2011-01-25T18:41:00.001-05:00

It's my last semester at Ocean County College and I'm finally starting to check out other schools. People tell me that this is the fun part, but I disagree for many reasons. I've been working on an English degree for what seems like eons, but I've always felt the need to write or have something to do with media. When my work with college radio came along, I started to wonder whether or not English was worth it to me. I had thought about taking another semester at OCC and completing the communications requisites, but that would mean wasting more time at a two year school. Another quandary is locale which, in my case, is a big fucking deal along with transportation. I've talked to the admissions counselor at Georgian Court University so far, but I'm not ruling out other schools. It's scary honestly and I just want to know that everything is done for the right reasons. I want pursue a career path that will make both happy and fulfilled, plus earn me enough money to live comfortably. I'm hoping to find a school to head me in the right direction. I'm going to work as hard as humanly possible this semester and enjoy the last months on campus. Things will be good!

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My Return to School (A Mobile Blog)

2011-01-20T15:24:00.001-05:00

It's 2011 and I'm heading back to classes once more for Spring Semester. I'm very excited to be back because this will be my last full semester as an OCC student. I will push for Survey of Mathematics for over the Summer and then off to another University to further my studies. I will probably go to Kean University. This semester I'm taking my Biology 162 and the corresponding lab class, Native American Literature, and Communication Law. Plus, I will be back to radio once more. I'm happy about that. I'm very torn about the radio gig, because I really love it. I would love to pursue classes in it, but I would have to find a college that deals with that type of curriculum. That may be difficult, and I'm not sure how accessible that will be for me. I am unable to drive and transportation is a difficult commodity for me. Hopefully I will be able to work something out that will be in the best interest of my career and academic pursuits. I will write about it as things progress. I'm just glad to be on the way toward a brighter future.

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Social Networking (A Mobile Blog)

2011-01-20T08:23:00.008-05:00

I will say this from the get go, social networking is a time suck. Facebook especially sets the tone for being one of the biggest time wasters ever. You can have what they call "facebook friends" which really fall under the category of barely close to being friends at all. This, of course, is subject to interpretation depending on the particular circumstance in which you know the individual in question. Twitter is actually less ridiculous but, you still have the twitter friend nonsense as well. The reason that Twitter is less ridiculous is that you don't have a stampede of ridiculous games and applications that constantly annoy you at every turn. MySpace was irritating like that and I thought Facebook was my out from that, but I guess not. Facebook was for college students and suddenly every person from the known universe became a part of it. It seemed to defeat the original purpose. That was the reason I joined it for the most part, not for virtual hugs. I'm sick of bulletin boards as well, because they're a time sucking bore too. How many times can you blather on about the same mundane topics before you run out of things to elaborate on? I can't keep saying, "I love this or I'm going to see this or look at this, blah blah blah." It helped me meet some nice people, but I barely see them and they don't really communicate with me all that often. It's not that it's anyone's fault; it's just life and lack of commonality. Some people always find new things to discuss but, my life is private for the most part and I'm not going to make an exception for the Internet on something as stupid as Facebook, Twitter, or MySpace. It's bad enough that I've bared too much of things already. On blogger, at the very least, I'm sharpening my writing skills instead of wasting my time on Farmville or Mafia Wars. I have better things to do with my time, such as reading, learning, enjoying my family, or leading a REAL life. If you take a week away from the computer and forget the people on your Facebook or Twitter, would the entire world crash? Not a chance! Furthermore, you will have a chance to breathe clean air and have a great time without the glare of a monitor or mobile phone. In conclusion, operation back to school and back to life is commencing as we speak. Au revoir!

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Interesting Evening; Interesting Day (A Mobile Blog)

2011-01-15T20:41:00.002-05:00

I went out to dinner with my Dad this evening. This wasn't your average evening, because my Mom would've been 66 years old today. My plans were hasty in the making so that my father couldn't wriggle out of going with me. I told him that I'd take him anywhere he'd like to go. He chose his favorite diner, of course. I thought that this was going to be one of those melancholy, bittersweet evenings where we'd talk about Mom for most of the meal but, it was completely the opposite. We didn't even bring her up at all. At first I thought that it was completely creepy and then it hit me: Maybe this was the best way to get through this day. It's not that we'll forget her or not revere all of the wonderful memories that we have of her. We just have those in our heart and we can enjoy a dinner as father and daughter. I think that it would've been so painful for the two of us if Mom was the overt theme of meal. It's been almost seven months since my mother's passing away. I'm getting through it without incident, for the most part, aside from some physical pain from dealing with the aftershocks of familial discord. School is on my side and my life will be my own again. I know, in my heart, that nothing will change the occurrences of June 25, 2010. That logic is what keeps me from being a driveling mess. I can be very stoic about my life and sometimes physical pain manifests itself where emotions don't show up, but that's my burden to carry. George, my father, is similar in that respect. I think that's why the dinner turned out in the fashion in which I described it. We aren't the type to make issue over certain things. This may be healthy and it may not be, but I will leave that question to my psychoanalyst. I had a panic attack this morning. Again, it didn't feel like fear. It just felt like I was very sick physically. I felt fine one minute and next minute I was sweaty, shaky, and nauseated. The limbic system is very powerful. Tonight I think I'll read a book. Right now I'm reading Under Fishbone Clouds by Sam Meekings and I'm enjoying it immensely. Mom never liked books, so that love of reading was something that I received from my Dad. My grandmother loved to read though. I can remember skimming through her copy of the Thorn Birds when I was a child and seeing countless Harlequin Romance novels on her nightstands. My Mother's books were limited to two: The King James Version of the Holy Bible, for which she barely read, and Isis Unveiled by Madame Blavatsky, another book she's only skimmed. These texts were acquired during my Mother's tenure as a Spiritualist minister. My Father's books are either about politics or technology, and he has shelves overflowing with them. My husband and I have more books than we have shelves. Some of them I can't seem to part with, others are destined for the used bookstore. I digress to the former topic before my ramblings about literature. I think that my life is moving on at a steady pace and so is my Father's, but it's an adjustment I need to take in stride. Tonight was example of taking it in good form. I can take a deep breath now. Happy Birthday Mom!

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Following My Dreams (A Mobile Blog)

2011-01-11T00:26:00.001-05:00

I've been having an agonizing reappraisal of my life. I want to move out of New Jersey. I think that if I finish my degree, I can move somewhere else and start a new life with Donald. I've worked my ass off with my English degree, but I think I deserve to do something more with it. I want to be a music journalist. I'm way to old for that probably, but I still want to do it and I don't want to give up on it entirely. I've also been interested in the disc jockey career too, although I don't know how that will pan out. I'm taking a communications course next semester, just to see how it goes. I just can't see living here living here in New Jersey if that is what I want to do. Don does graphic design and I'm sure he'd do better in a bigger city. I just want to change my life and for the better. This might be some stupid diatribe and, maybe, I'm thinking of impossible dreams, but I have to try something different. Maybe it was the glass of wine I drank this evening, but I really think change is in order.

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Peace and Quiet: The Beauty of Having Alone Time (A Mobile Blog)

2011-01-03T16:50:00.001-05:00

In every individual we have a place or a well, if you will, that needs quenching. When we take that reservoir for granted, as if it has no bottom, we wear out and lose the very joy and healthfulness needed in our lives. This happens, especially when you work, schedule, and plan without taking care of yourself. We have to remember that nurturing one's self is extremely important. Often times we focus on other people such as bosses, friends, parents, siblings, co-workers, etc., and we lose sight of our emotional, mental, and even spiritual well-being. Spiritual does not necessarily mean religious; it can just mean the inspiration or the fire that brings you through every day. When you lose that; you stop believing in yourself and that is the loss of spirituality. You need to find the wealth and importance of having your own quality time. This quality time or what I call "you time," must come with a place. You must schedule this time, just as you would any other appointment. You must find a particular time and place for this "you time." Finding a location for this "you time" can be more challenging than dealing with the notion that you need this quality time. The busy hectic world we live in crowds out an easy refuge, but you can make those minutes if you just make some effort. Take the time to read the book you've always wanted to work through, write in your journal, work on some guided meditation, listen to some calming music, take a long walk, or even take a soothing nap. Finding time for yourself can replenish you and wipe away the mental and physical fatigue of stress. Find that corner of your world that is the least testing and relax. You'll find that it's worth it.

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My Friendship Quota (A Mobile Blog)

2011-01-02T13:14:00.001-05:00

Do I have friends? You have to look at this from a very broad perspective because, I have a problem being a friend. Not that I hate people or I don't have friends, I'm just not very good at it. The term friend is very loose for me, as most of them are close, but I still feel very far away. Does this mean that I have emotional issues? Quite possibly! I have never been free with my personal feelings because, I have been hurt numerous times from being used over and over again. I figured that I would never put myself in that vulnerable position ever again, so I became unavailable. This was a safety measure that just seemed to make me feel lonely after a while. You can have the Internet, which can grant you friendships and that helped me make some great friendships but, I still keep people at arms length. My heart is very hardened when it comes to people and I don't know if that will ever change. People see me as a kind person and I try so hard to be as congenial as possible. The people that are in my life, no matter how far away they are, are people I care about. I just have a problem sharing my life with them or with anyone these days, other than Don. What happened with Mom didn't really help me at all. It kind of made it worse for me. Socializing went down to a minimum and I've become very withdrawn. How can I fix this terrible issue? I have some real soul searching to do. I have to find a way to make my life open up and find a sense of joy and fortitude. Right now, things are very grey and dim. This is not the way a person should live. I'm not going to give up hope but, I don't think I'll be that communicative for a while. I don't really have all that much to say anyway. I'll let you know when that changes.

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It's a Brand New Year

2011-01-01T21:11:00.001-05:00

This the first day of 2011 and a brand new start for everyone! This is the time to shed old habits, make new changes, foster a new sense of hope, and look toward a brighter future. Things have been tumultuous and it's time to turn a corner. I can only wish that you all have a bright and healthy New Year. 2011 is a step forward toward a second chance. May your dreams come true and your destiny turns in your favor.

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A Little Journalling

2010-12-14T14:50:00.002-05:00

The semester is ending and I can't believe that I am saying this but, I am almost sad. I'm going to miss the every day rush of going to the college, researching, and working on school projects. Even the tedious exams are going to be missed. The most interesting facet of this semester is my work at the radio station, which will be on respite for part of December and the bulk of January. I really love dj'ing and learning from my experiences there. I'm going to start taking some communcations courses at the college, and possibly pursue it. Next semester, the radio station will be taking part in a benefit to raise money, improve the equipment, and go fully digital. I never thought that I would enjoy scholastic pursuits so much when I decided to go back to college a few years ago. Now I couldn't be more grateful for doing so. I'm hoping that I won't feel the Winter blahs through the end of December and January, because I have to say that they are not my favorite times of year. I'm going to catch up on some reading, get out a bit, and maybe learn to enjoy myself. I've kind of lost the art of enjoying myself this year.

I finished some holiday shopping this year. I wasn't really going to do that this year, but I looked at my father over lunch and I couldn't opt out of the season this year. Feeling festive was really hard for me and not just because of the obvious things. Having that type of motivation has always been a bit difficult for me. The holidays have always come at a point when something awful happens or things have been very difficult. That tends to change your outlook on that. You start to have a crisis in that vain. I'm muddling through and feeling alright about things for the most part. My husband and I usually make a reservation for a nice hotel the night before so that we can enjoy a fun night away before the hectic day ahead. I've already made those arrangements for us. It's a little Yuletide gift from me. Just a little romantic rendezvous for the two of us.

Winter

2010-12-13T17:06:00.003-05:00

When the plants begin to wither, the flowers cease to hold their bloom, the leaves fall from the trees, and the unyielding chill appears, Winter rears it's frigid head for all to see. Though we think of this as the period of death, it's really just a period of rest. Winter is the necessity of life as the earth goes through it's period of change, which really goes unnoticed for the most part aside from the obvious signs. Just as a parent prepares to have a child, the earth gestates it's cycle of life. Snow and ice mask the once lush and green landscape, leaving a bleak canvas. It's part of humanity to want the warmth and comfort of Springtime. The images of growth inspire hope and the bright colors nurture the happiest parts of our psyche. The remembrance that the barren trees will once again sprout beautiful green leaves and the snow covered ground will eventually melt away to lush green grass, is the energy that sustains us.

During the darker months, we celebrate this process of change and enjoy the hearth of the fire, the comfort of a blanket, a cup of hot chocolate, and the coziness of a hand knit wool sweater. Venturing out into the cold can be an invigorating exercise as well. The joy of the glistening first snow as it crunches under your feet brings out our youngest childhood memories of snow days off from school. These pleasures kindle our inner fire that we concentrate on ourselves, our friends, and our families. We celebrate traditions, focus on charity, and share that flame to nurture the warmth and energy throughout the colder months. We learn from the stages of the earth as the solstice comes, the earth hits its coldest, and slowly warms. Laughing, eating, enjoying the company of others, sleeping, and even just enjoying the pleasure of a book happens as the process moves eventually toward the Spring. For every Winter, there is a beautiful Springtime to behold. The timeless wonder of life abounds throughout every year.

Harvesting Thanks

2010-11-24T16:47:00.008-05:00

Even if we aren't always sure of the true historical accuracy or roots of the holiday, as Americans, we take the time every year to celebrate the holiday commonly known as Thanksgiving. We coin it as a time where family and friends gather together to eat copious amounts of foodstuffs as part of a gratitude for everything good in our lives. Usually this tradition includes roasting a large turkey with it's many trimmings, such as stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, and so on. I've always found it amazing that it seemed to be the one holiday that removed the issue of gifts and almost seemed completely untainted, aside from the blurring of the historical inaccuracies. Although today, many people cook different items other than turkey as their main course. For me and my husband, Thanksgiving isn't about pilgrims or anything remotely of that vain. It's about the harvest and the celebration of Autumn's bounty. The occasion to celebrate the last warm days of the year with a feast and know that better things are to come.

Whether we hear the calls of the geese as they fly south toward their destinations for the Winter or we smell the crisp Autumn air, this is the earth's cycle in action and it has a profound effect on each of our lives. The harvest season is a time of reflection of the beauty we've enjoyed during the Summer months, and prepares us for the cooler months that are approaching. We incorporate rituals, celebrations, and traditions, like Thanksgiving, to keep the spirit of the harvest alive long into the dead of the Winter months. Take some time to contemplate and reflect on the events of the year during the holiday. Autumn is about abundance and gratitude for all of our accomplishments, but it's also about the colors and wonder we experience as the season progresses. We find gratitude in the festive and beautiful nature of change, whether it's consuming a slice of apple pie with family, taking a ride in the country to look the trees in their Autumnal colors, watching the Macy*s Thanksgiving Day parade or even channelling your youth by jumping in a pile of raked leaves. We can find beauty in the transitory because, in this Autumnal season, it's all around us.

Taking a Break (A Mobile Blog)

2010-11-18T20:04:00.001-05:00

"Sometimes you need a little time away, just for a day..." as Chicago so eloquently put. It's absolutely true! Taking a break from stressful conditions is the best thing you can do for yourself. It could be from your work, your friends, your family, or just from the every day surroundings of home. This break could come in the form of a vacation, day trip, or even just a movie alone. The escape from the stressor can make all of the difference. Changing holiday plans is another way to relieve stress. Maybe spending time alone, with your friend(s), or with your mate is a great alternative to spending the holiday in a crowded family household. Learning to single out your triggers and dealing with them is important. If you suffer from anxiety, that is of particular importance. My husband and I have decided to take a different approach to the holiday and spend it alone. I've also taken the time to pamper myself by going to a movie or dinner alone. Both of these options felt so refreshing. When you deal with the holidays, you have to make sure that your family understands that sometimes you need to make your life your own. This has to be that way with everything you do. The same goes with friends and even your significant other. You have to make yourself happy. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Posted via email from Summer Writing

Sisterly Compassion? No F@*king Way!

2010-11-15T16:47:00.003-05:00

Now that I have blocked certain content from being viewed by certain parties, I can explain some things. In my life I have always thought to treat both of my sisters and their mates as equals. I've never thought less of either of them, whether something went wrong or we disagreed for some reason or another. I've never harped on their shortcomings or their mistakes, but I've hit my limit with the mistake of being treated like dogshit. When give proper respect, I would think that amount of respect and decorum would be reciprocated. For my younger sister, this was never the case. She has never treated me as an equal. She has a scorching sense of entitlement and carries what I call the "Queen Bee Syndrome," whereas everyone has move according to her plans. For some odd reason, she has this matriarchal way about her and treats me like I'm an imbecilic eight year old child by continually insulting me and demanding me to stop the productive things in my life to move according to her whims. She then expects me to spend time with her and enjoy her company during the holiday. When my mother passed away, even though she didn't see it first hand as I did, she seemed to take it as if she felt most of the blow. What she doesn't realize, and maybe this was from a lack of experience, is that she hasn't a clue how I feel about it and maybe doesn't even realize how Dad or Don feels about it. All three of us saw it, and she never did. I watched my mother kill herself slowly, and I tried to stop her. Did she try? No! Did she have to watch that? No! My father never tried to stop it! He was her enabler. Everyone, including my baby sister and except my husband, forget that fact. I never had time to grieve, because I was busy comforting her or comforting Dad or comforting my older sister for most of it. I had to go to school and I had to move on with my life, so I didn't have time for that. My body did that for me, and it still is. I have no sense of entitlement, unless you count respect and dignity. I believe that I have a right to be treated as an adult, who has lost her mother too, and deserves the same dignity and respect that I've given her. Instead, I get a verbal slap in the face by an ungrateful bitch who cries, but assumes that I don't deserve to. Oh, lest we forget that she fucked my Mother's obituary royally with her crappy grammar mistakes and poor sentence structure. It looks it was written by a first grader after they drank a whole bottle of Jim Beam. Wait, saying that it was written by a first grader is an insult to first graders everywhere! I was so mad that I had to write my own version of the obituary so that I never had to look at the one in the paper. I was embarrassed for my father and for the rest of my family!

Here is another example of my sister's ridiculousness: When my older sister found out she had a lump in her breast, I talked to her on the phone and I offered to be with her on the day of the tests. My little sister made a snide remark, saying that I should "call her" as if I never spoke to her at all. How would I ever throw something like that aside? I could never do that! I'm sure she put some kind of spin on what I told her about the behavior she displays toward me, but whatever. She obviously flip-flops. I have to say this, because it is really true. My older sister and I never had the "call every day" kind of relationship. I wasn't the only one who made it that way. My older sister had her own thing going and I never really pushed or pulled at all. As far as my younger sister is concerned, she just never calls me unless there is a family function or something of that magnitude. We don't talk every day either and it's another case where I wasn't the only one who made it that way. Both of them explain our relationships as "close," but I find that to be hardly true at points. I love them both dearly, but it's the truth. This is the kind of behavior that both continually exhibit. They both take advantage of me at times and I've played along for the most part. I was hurt at times, but I was always stoic about it. I just can't be stoic anymore. Don has been the only constant in my life, because he doesn't treat me like a turn key or a used piece of garbage to be thrown aside. I'm not going to be a masochist and put up with this, because I'm better than that.

My younger sister decided, without asking Donald and I, to plan Thanksgiving by making reservations at a restaurant with her in-laws. I really don't want to have Thanksgiving with her in laws. My baby sister and her husband didn't have Thanksgiving with us last year, so we're not doing it this year. I went through the whole ordeal of cooking a beautiful dinner last year. I invited them almost two months in advance. My parents came, my mother-in-law, my husband's sister and her husband came. My baby sister came for an hour and left, and her husband never even came with her. She only had a bit of dessert. She wouldn't even come to dinner. Does this mean that my husband and I should accept her invitation to dinner? My older sister didn't come to dinner either, but she had reasons that were absolutely beyond her control. The real kicker is that I live two blocks away from my little sister and I barely speak to her and I don't call her, because I really don't feel comfortable chatting with her. She's kind of ruined that for me. That happened long before my mother passed, and it's only been incensed since then. That kind of makes me feel that dinner is not a viable option. I'm actually starting to cry, because I never thought that I would ever have to write anything like this in my lifetime. It hurts me so much and I hate myself for having to say this, but it's absolutely true. I have many shortcomings, and I have made poor decisions in life. I'm trying to make up for those in the best ways that I know how. I guess I wasn't enough of an opportunist like my sisters. One day I will be happy, I'm sure. Right now I'm kind of in limbo. All I know is that I want to achieve some placidity and, sadly enough, seperating yourself is the only way to achieve that. Sorry for the extended rant. I know that it was probably overly toxic in nature and probably will leave you aghast.

It's Your Season

2010-11-14T17:06:00.001-05:00

The oncoming of the holidays can herald the blues. The correlation of the music, the festoons, and the overfilling food, that are so present during this point in the year, can make you wish you could avoid them entirely. These seasonal events may have been associated with happier memories during your childhood years, but the feelings today aren't the same. We don't always have to feel the same way about certain traditions, but we need to find joy in the way we feel about the season. We can make our lives our own, no matter what we might think. To revitalize the way you think about the season is not feeling as if you have to engage in certain holiday traditions or situations that make you feel uneasy and cause you to feel sadness. It can be very simple for you to get caught up in the web of ritual and lose sight of what you really want or what works for you as a person. You have to work in the now and realize that there is a payoff for giving to yourself. If you take care of yourself then your ability to give, if that is part of your holiday or seasonal ritual, will be healthier. Celebrating for yourself expands your joy and gives you a new reason to love the Autumn and Winter months.

The association of depression and the Autumnal and Winter seasonal holidays are very prevalent. It can be very difficult to address these emotional difficulties. If you face these problems and sort of them out, you can give yourself the chance to process what you are going through. This can liberate you from that weight on your shoulders. Journaling about your issues can be very therapeutic. Don't be afraid to be honest about your feelings. Being honest with your family is another part of the therapeutic process. Maybe you would rather go on a vacation, rather than dealing with the pressures of your family during the holiday season. Maybe you would prefer not to give gifts during the holiday season. Maybe you would like to eat out or make a healthy meal during the holiday season. Maybe you would like to just take time to watch a movie and spend time just pampering yourself. Don't be afraid of what everyone else thinks, because you have to make the season your own. This season prepares you for the rest of the Winter and you need to nurture your inner joy. It doesn't mean that you have to decorate your home like the Griswold's in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation, but you can decorate your self-esteem with happiness and pleasure.

I'm Not Your Doormat (A Mobile Blog)

2010-11-12T14:55:00.002-05:00

For many, many years, I have taken the opportunistic, opinionated bullshit that a certain member of my family consistently dealt me. Now, I'm fucking tired of it. I have hit my limit with her chiding remarks and her belittling garbage. In fact, I'm sick of her crap in general. She has this queen bee syndrome where she feels the need to tell everyone what to do. It's like when she says jump, people say, "How high?". Well that crap is more than over with. I refuse to speak with her, have her in my presence, or deal with her in any fashion until she learns to treat me like an adult. I'm relevant with feelings and can make my own decisions. I accept my imperfections, but she refuses to admit that she falls short in any sense of the word. She is offensive, condescending and lacks the means to function with any shred of intelligence, kindness, or compassion. I may have made poor decisions, but at least I didn't rub her nose in hers. In fact, I was there to help her through the tougher times. The only thing she does is look down her nose at you. She couldn't even write my mother's obituary correctly! It was atrocious! I can't begin to tell you how mortified and angry I still am over that. The worst part is that other people had to read that garbage. If I had written it, it would have been perfect.

The way things have turned out in the last couple months makes me want to run with Don as far from here as I possibly can. Family isn't as good as people paint it to be in some situations. Maybe, after my schooling is finished, we'll be leaving for somewhere else. I'm thinking it's time for a brand new start away from certain ungrateful people. The only thing is that there are certain situations that need to be tied up before I go, but that will happen in time. I never thought that I would want to leave where I'm from, but it's come to the point where it needs to occur. I refuse to have my husband and I be doormats for my family and most especially the person that I was discussing earlier in this post. Life is going to change and this time for the better. I think we deserve that much after the shitstorm we've put up with over the last year. All my husband and I want is just to be able to take a deep breath and smile. We just want to feel comfortable about our lives for once, rather than worrying about everything. I think that's reasonable enough. That would be better suited away from the craziness of some very toxic individuals. Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Posted via email from Summer Writing

Catching Up

2010-11-11T12:53:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since there was a journal article on here, but here is the latest in my life experiences. I'm learning my triggers or at least some of them. My limbic system is still kicking my ass these days, but I'm realizing why some of it manifests. Panic hits me when I can't get everything done in one day. This can include errands, pleasing other people, and other items. Another part of the panic is when I absorb rather than express. Everything else is boggling me. The other day, I finished my Algebra class and headed up to the library to do some studying for a test that day. I wasn't feeling that great, but chalked it up to being tired. After standing up, dizziness washed over me and I felt as if I was going to faint. My husband ushered me to the medics office and my blood pressure was very low. Apparently, that is a side effect of anxiety as well. Now this part of the anxiety or panic attack never hit me like that before. It frightened me so much that I headed to the physician's office for a visit, because I wasn't sure if it was something else. Of course, it was the anxiety and I felt completely stupid. The doctor asked me what was going on in my life and I told him. Then it began to make sense to him. He explained that losing one part of my life is a rite of passage, even though it is unwanted. Luckily I am strong enough to push myself through. I get a silver lining though, because I get to see the school analyst for free. Ahhh... The joys of being a college student!

So now I'm finally going to tell my therapist that I need to go on benzodiazapines as needed. I've tried to go it alone, but I can't. I feel defeated in a sense, but there is no way that I can be in this kind of pain and make it through school. The pain comes in the form of headaches, pain in my limbs and chest, pins and needles, dizziness, blurred vision, nausea, and fatigue. I've been checked out for every test that there is and I am in perfect health, so it's definitely this ridiculous disorder kicking my ass. I feel like I'm in desperate need of a vacation, but I have absolutely no time at all for one. There are people in my life who do not make it easier for me. In fact, those people make it even rougher for me to deal with the issues in my life. The worst part about these individuals is that they are so self-absorbed that they don't even give a flying fuck! Sorry for my colorful language, but it's entirely true. I've found some reprieves here and there. These reprieves keep me seperate from the ridiculousness that I see every day and let me feel free. It's not meditation or anything of the new age nature, but it certainly relaxes me. I wish those reprieves were more frequent, because I think it would lessen the burnout. Today I get a reprieve, because I'm DJ'ing. I love doing my radio show, because it gives me a chance to be alone with my music. I don't even care if I have listeners, because I have so much fun. Another reprieve is reading in the library, because I can get lost here in the stacks. My latest favorite though is karaoke! I just love it!

The other day, my health teacher says to me, "You look great! Things really must be going your way." I almost started to laugh hysterically, but I was flattered at the same time. I'm glad to know that I'm healthy and that all of this that I am feeling is all in my head. Really getting through this is the obstacle that I have to overcome. I know that I'm strong enough to tell myself that the pain is just me. It just seems so real, as if my body isn't my own right now. It's torture you know? I'm feeling this hypervigilant alarm phase of General Adaptation Syndrome and I can't escape it sometimes. Some of the stress comes from the revolving door issue that seems to be going on in my life. It just seems like I'm going through this endless cycle of loss in one form or another. You can only do so much with bereavement before it makes you feel sick inside. I wish that all of the stress that I get to experience was eustress rather than distress, because at least I know the pressure is for all the right reasons. Right now this is just making me feel pain and the only thing that can alleviate it is either crying or just finding some way to be alone. Last night I went out by myself, which was really nice. It was the first time in so long that I actually felt pampered. I went out to a movie, for a nice dinner, and I went to Barnes and Noble to read and have coffee. It was absolutely fantastic! Maybe if I find the time to schedule events like that for myself, I wouldn't feel so tense all of the time. Who knows! I just know that something eventually has to give.

So something pivotal is going to happen on Friday. My mother-in-law is moving to Texas. This is very hard for me and for my husband. It's kind of funny, because I never realized how much this would hit me until she mentioned it over dinner one night. I was sitting there and she mentioned how she wouldn't be there for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I just cried; I couldn't help it. It was something I couldn't grasp hold of at the time and I am still trying to come to grips with it. Linda is my second Mom and it's so hard to see another person fall away from my life. I'm crying right now as I write this mostly because I am so happy for her. She found such a wonderful man to spend the rest of her life with. Andrew is a lovely person and he makes her so happy. Even though my husband and I will miss her so much, I know that she is going to be more than happy. We'll definitely visit them in Texas. The only thing that hurts so much is that someone else is leaving, but I am glad that it's for all the right reasons. Things are falling into place the right way, it just feels tough right now. I feel sad for my husband too, because his Mom is leaving for Texas and his Dad is gone. That makes me emotional for him.

So like I was saying earlier in this post, I went out for a nice night alone. I went to see Paranormal Activity 2 and it was awesome! It was a prequel to the original film and I have to say that I liked it more. This one was definitely more frightening than the first one. There were connections to the original premise of the first film, but I can't really tell you that much more. It would definitely ruin it if I did. All I know is that you have to see it because you will be kicking yourself if you do not! It was nice to go the movies on a weekday. The theatre was clear and quiet, and I didn't have to wait in lines. Wonderful! I had a great Japanese dinner as well. That was a really great precursor to the movie. Low in fat, because it was vegetables and seafood. I'm really proud of myself. Although I shouldn't have drank soda, because it's not good for me. For those who do not realize, soda causes bone porosity as well as subcutaneous fat cells. Even the diet variety isn't good for you, because of the osteoporosis side effect. So anyway, I also bought tickets to another Duo show in New Jersey for February at the SOPAC in South Orange, New Jersey. I can't wait to see that show. Next month Donald and I are going to see Killing Joke in New York City. Concerts rule! I wish I could just go to concerts rather than celebrating any of the holidays. It would be so much more fun and less pressure. Well that's really all that I have going for me right now aside from DJ'ing and being a student. Hope that everyone enjoys the rest of their week.

Sick

2010-10-28T21:20:00.001-04:00

For the last five days, I have been battling the dredges of influenza. I am convinced, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that this something that can be prevented. Now let me paint a picture for you. I went to an event that someone was throwing, and this person was getting over a bout of influenza. This person didn't really notify anyone that she was still suffering with the illness; this person just invited everyone over without thinking twice. I gave this person and his/her sibling a hug, because I hadn't seen them in sometime. As I was helping them both in the kitchen, I noticed one of the hosts sniffle and cough. I asked, "Do you have a cold?" I was met with the response, "Oh I am getting over the flu." Later that evening, I had told the person I was with about this and, of course, they were upset by the situation. Mind you, because there were children at this event, I had used hand sanitizer and took every precaution. Even with that in place, I still got their germs. I'm convinced it landed on the food or it came with the hug. When I arrived home I started to feel the achy symptoms of influenza, which include the sore throat. Needless to say, I was quite upset.

For the first couple days, I was able to keep it at bay with Advil Cold and Sinus. When Tuesday hit, I was just sick and I couldn't shake it. Now if it was Winter break and I was off from school, I wouldn't bother going to the doctor, because I like to fight it off on my own. Unfortunately, I just couldn't do it without getting antibiotics. I've lost my voice for the most part, and I'm still coughing a bit, but the sneezing and runny nose has stopped. That is the worst! I can take the aching, the fever, and everything else, but that is just gross. Now that everything has mostly settled down with most of the symptoms, I just have to get rid of the cough and laryngitis. I had to cancel my radio show on Wednesday, because I couldn't speak at all. I couldn't go to some of my classes, because I was just too sick! I had to miss three classes, because of this shit. This was all due to someone being reckless with their germs. You don't throw a party when you have the seasonal flu! It's not reasonable and it's not courteous. It's a pain in the ass for me, because there is only a limited amount of medications that I can take to help me when I get the flu. Obviously the two people who gave me this disease are complete morons.

Scale Away

2010-10-21T19:14:00.003-04:00

I have decided, over the course of my life, that there is no way that you can quantify your health. You can measure certain things like blood pressure, heart rate, and even your brain waves, but there isn't any way to measure how we truly feel. The only way that we can actually find that out is through our own personal measurements of wellness. There is only one question that will give any shred of an answer. How do you define wellness? Everyone's definition of wellness is different, just like someone's sense of style. We create our wellness from the choices of foods that eat to the amount of exercise that we ascribe to on a daily basis. We are constantly a slave to our social pressures, because of television, celebrities, fashion magazines, models, department stores, tabloids, and even the people that we encounter every day. The most common picture of wellness comes in the form of crash dieting or serial dieting. This can come from the influence of your peers or by the over-glamorization of certain fad diets that consistently convince women that they can lose weight by using their unhealthy systems and products. We stand on a scale every morning and sigh, because we are never thin enough.

In reality, we are able to measure our own sense of wellness without the influence of others or the media. We can find a way to feel a sense of energy and self-esteem if we realize that we don't have to stress over food or numbers on a scale. When you just walk that extra flight of stairs or stop drinking carbonated beverages, you feel a sense of accomplishment. After a while, you forget that you are actually doing that and it becomes a way of life. You aren't weighing yourself, but you are getting rid of something that will weigh you down. This doesn't mean that you won't slip, but it does mean that you are trying. Another thing that some people have to leave behind them is envy, because some people are naturally thin and others are just naturally curvy. I am naturally curvy and I know that I will never be a size four. As long as I am healthy and making reasonable goals, I don't feel really bad about that. Regardless of our body type, we can use our overall energy level to gauge our wellness. When you put aside your scale, you are setting aside a stressor. The scale often leads to obsessing about every pound. If you just respect your body, then your wellness factor will cooperate. I stopped weighing myself for about six months, then realized my weight from my doctor. Made me smile to say the least. I still don't weigh myself, because I consider that my body is at the right weight for the moment.

When you evaluate your wellness level from a logical standpoint, you are looking at your overall fitness. Are you well nourished and fit without feeling easily fatigued or suffering other existing health problems due to lack of fitness? Having that bloated or overweight feeling raises concerns, but it something that you can correct. You always have the chance to make things right. You can bring your own sense of wellness. I'm not thin right now, but I am definitely working on that. I want to feel more energetic and live longer. This is definitely prompted by the health problems that my mother suffered with when she was alive. Right now, I am trying to make walking a source of happiness. I want my knees and muscles to gain strength and mobility for my own well-being. Plus the walking and the exercise produces endorphins that make me feel very peaceful and happy. I highly recommend that for anyone who feels depressed. Eating whole foods is another way to attain wellness. There are always substitutions for the heavy things you've been eating without sacrificing flavor. I've become addicted to fruit and raw veggies, plus I've cut down on my dairy a great deal. Fiber is the most important thing though, because it keeps the body moving. Read your labels too, because you will be surprised what some companies call food, when it really isn't!

Even though weighing yourself is technically informative, it really can inhibit you from making your short term goals. If you aren't happy the entire time that you are trying to better yourself, how can you build yourself esteem and really make for total wellness? Your body knows its health more than the numbers on the scale. If you communicate with your body and listen to the signs, your image of wellness will be tailored to your needs. Your life is more important than stressing over numbers, because you need to enjoy life. When you feel physical wellness, then your self-esteem will enter a state of positivity. You will be able to focus on your life, rather than counting calories. Eating healthy should just be a natural progression and exercise shouldn't be a chore. Sometimes the latter is harder than the former. I should work on that a bit more. Working on the natural traits of health aren't easy, but they are totally worth it. Having someone who helps you along the way is great too! Moral support is the great comfort when you are moving into a healthy lifestyle. Change is hard and having someone who has either been through it already or just wants to help you through your journey is the best thing going for you. Aldous Huxley said, "There's only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving, and that's your own self." Throw away your scale and change yourself without the restraint of numbers.

The Terror of Exams

2010-10-18T12:58:00.005-04:00

What are the symptoms of test anxiety and how do we combat them? Most people say that they arise from poor organizational skills and time management, but can they be from simple fear? This type of fear is something that comes for students no matter how much they prepare. Anxiety carries an adrenaline that is a normal part of the human condition. This feeling can come forth as butterflies in the stomach or a jittery feeling just before a presentation or an oral report, not just for exams alone. This can definitely impair the work of the student during these points in the semester, but there are ways to combat this problem. We've all hit that point in time where we have dealt with worries. We first have to focus on the catalyst of why we think that bad things might happen. We then have to realize that this is a self-manufactured issue that you have structured for yourself. Once you realize that this state is completely unnecessary, you can take the time to focus on the task at hand. Feeling like we are not in control is a stumbling block that every student manifests and if you have the right tools, you can combat that problem. If we shift our focus on good expectations, this also helps on our perspective on exams.

Here are some symptoms of test anxiety:

shaking
sweating
racing heartbeat
nausea
feeling of being faint

Time management is the most important part of preparing for a test. If you have a very important exam coming up, the worst thing you can do is plan a night of partying the night before. An adequate amount of sleep and diligent studying are a must. Don't keep repeating negative self-talk such as, "I'm going to fail or I'm dumb or I'm just not cut out for college." That type of thought process does more to inhibit your work than anything else. Some people, and I know that I have done this with poor with results, cram for tests and exams. This is a mistake that I used to make often in high school and let me tell you that it never works. It only makes you more tense and forgetful of the material. Don't listen to other people before you take the exam, because their fears can definitely rub off on you. This factor is surprisingly true. I've also found another great trick is never getting caught on one question. If you are stumped by one test question, skip it, and move on to the ones you know. You can always go back to the questions that give you trouble and put more thought into them. It gets you through the exam faster and you won't feel so pressed for time. The day of the test is always the most dreadful, but if you take a deep breath and realize that this isn't worst day ever, you will be able to get through it. Eating a good breakfast, being on time for the exam, taking your time with the questions, and reviewing the material on the test will help you finish the exam efficiently and without fear.

Can We Trust?

2010-10-17T19:04:00.003-04:00

When it comes to trust, there has to be a depth that is required. Things may turn out differently than you want them to, but sometimes you have to take a chance. That leap of faith is required in order to author some kind of change in your life. Our lives will unravel in the pattern that it's meant to if we only give it a guiding hand. I know that I have a great deal of trust issues, and most of those are created by people. Many people find that being scorned or having something tragic happen to you can damage the feelings of trust. But at a point in our lives, we need to release and educate ourselves into letting ourselves feel that emotional trust again. Much of the trust issue is controlling your life, and it's definitely part of a self-preservation tactic. If something very tragic occurs or something deceitful occurs, often times we fall into an issue with trust. Fear of becoming a doormat for someone's manipulation or something of that nature can trigger you to step down from life. We become withdrawn and it can affect our friendships and familial relationships. Even romantic relationships can suffer from this type of emotional trauma, especially if the trust issue stems from rape, cheating, etc. It's those types of malicious events that can scar us or put an indelible mark on our psyche that can be hard to soften or remove. It makes life feel insurmountable and it dashes many hopes for normal friendships or relationships. How can you be happy, when you are always looking over your shoulder?

When we create an environment that shelters us away from the world, we lose a part of ourselves by locking away the most integral benefit of humanity. That benefit is community! We need a communal society in order to survive and live in the world. We need to exert a certain amount of trust in order to move out in the world and grow through our civilization. Sounds like life on a grand scale, but in a sense it is. We need that support in order to provide sustainability and ways to coexist. Trusting is only part of the coin, because we need to be responsible for the things that we create in our lifetime. This is especially true for the things that we have first hand control over. We have control over the way that we treat others. We have control over our actions. We need to establish trust so that people can feel comfortable with making sturdy life decisions. Unfortunately life doesn't really work perfectly and the whole "we" aspect doesn't ever happen that way. One person may do something right and another may do something completely malicious and awful to someone or something in order to prove some kind of ridiculous point or maybe no point at all. Many people are loners and feel that they can only sojourn through life on their own. I've felt that way from time to time. Sometimes I still feel that way, because I don't feel that I can give all of myself away emotionally. Who can I really trust with the real me?

I often think that our lives are built under this parylyzation of fear. Fear of being hurt, fear of losing everything, fear of dying, fear of heartbreak, and fear of losing everyone you love. Because of mistrust, it's hard to shake a distinct sense of uncertainty. We lock away our dreams and goals, because we are afraid of being stepped upon. It's ends up being the cycle of cowering to your self-protective instincts. Why can't we take a leap of faith? Is there something in our makeup that keeps us from being happy? Not every person is totally bad, but you can only find that out by trying. It may be very difficult to give that effort, but maybe the reward will make the whole ordeal worthwhile. Surrendering and embracing the unknown is something that can scare even the most confident individual, no matter how fearless they paint themselves to be. I think that the way they look so confident is by convincing themselves undoubtedly that they will win, no matter how the circumstances may turn. You just have to remember that a good friendship is more likely than a bad one and a bad situation is less likely than a good one! It's a good mantra that I've been trying these days. There is nothing wrong with being courageous, especially when it comes with meeting new people. You are expanding your knowledge of trust and expanding your emotional territory.

Who's Going to Remember You?

2010-10-11T22:13:00.002-04:00

I was in health class the other day and something startled me more than anything in a long time. My professor said to me and the rest of the class," Enjoy yourself now because, in fifty years, no one will remember you." That really frightened me! Now some of you that read this may be young enough to blow that off but, now that I am close to forty, I am nervous about this. This especially grabs me after me after losing my mother this year. Of course, I was met with the words, "You know your mother is watching over you and is proud that you are a good student." I thought to myself, "How the fuck do you know?" Pardon my language! Still, even though I was perturbed by that statement, I was unnerved by the fact that I might not have a legacy to leave behind. Should I have done more to prove myself worthy to my peers? Is being a hard worker enough? It kind of seems sad that the only people who are valued or remembered are those who have faltered dramatically or have achieved beyond most people's reaches. Some of this has to do with money, of course, and some has to do with criminal actions. Why can't we be remembered for writing a wonderful paper on the perils of global warming on contemporary American society? Is it because we are just the lay individual in a community college? Certainly! No credible source wants to hear from someone in a community college anthropology class.

Every day, I sit in classrooms with students who are half my age and I am glad that I am smart enough to join them. I enjoy their stories of partying and living their youthful lives and still being able to pass tests with a B average and above. These types of stories give me encouragement. If they can do something like that then certainly someone, at my age, can prove myself worthy of a 3.5 or higher. These grades may not prove me remembered in life, but it will surely make me happy for the short time I enjoy here on earth. I'll never pretend to be religious, because I'm not. I believe in scientific fact in the Richard Dawkins perspective. Many people will surely hate me for that kind of belief, but it doesn't mean that I am a bad person or that I disrespect others for their beliefs. I simply live by the beat of my own drummer. There is a reason that I have turned to this type of belief system, and it's not just because of intellectual reasons. My mother was this spiritualist and she believed that she could "talk to dead people" through mediums and psychics. This was laced with Christian philosophy and other nonsense for which she pushed on me throughout my whole childhood. I didn't realize that it was a hoax until I was an adult and I reached the age of reason. I was hurt so deeply that I thought that I never would recover, but I forgave her for it. I realize that she truly believed it was all real. I left her with that, and she died believing that was the way the world worked.

I don't want to leave you thinking that I hate everyone else's beliefs, because that is simply not true. Everyone has the right to feel the way they want about life. You deserve to be free and exercise that. I think that there is a limit to everything. There is a rule of thumb in this world called everything in moderation. It keeps everyone from going overboard on one particular philosophy or medium. When you become seperatist, or you've taken yourself away from reality, you've gone too far. That goes for anything, and that includes religion, substance abuse, racism, politics, etc. Life is a series of bits and pieces that we mean to sample. Not everything is meant to be taken completely seriously. If you sample everything, then you have something to write about. That's what I do anyway. I may never get any money for it and I will never be remembered for it, but I thoroughly enjoy it. I worry if this legacy will ever carry on. How many people will need to share their passwords in their wills? Now that is completely frightening! Speaking of that, my father hasn't taken my mother's Facebook down. Now I have protested over and over about this. It makes me sad every time I see her name come up, but he won't take it down. Is this the digital legacy that we'll have? This is pathetic! No one will remember us physically, but we'll have a cyber file to last us for how long? All I know is that I don't have children, but I want to have the most fun that I can before I go. I'm not sure that I care if people remember me. If they do, maybe they'll read this nonesense. Wouldn't that be a kick in the head?!

When Do We Find Happiness?

2010-10-07T21:15:00.000-04:00

How do you know when it's time to be happy? You can go through the rigors that the day puts forth, with all it's bumps and obstacles, and get completely caught up and consumed. You forget to make some time for yourself. I think the reason that we put limitations or prerequisites on that emotion. It becomes something that we put on a calendar or on a memo in your BlackBerry. It seems that we have so many worries, that we have no time for those thoughts. We even forget what it feels like to smile. Some psychiatrist's say that we become victims of negative self-talk that keeps us from finding joy. For long stretches, it happens to me. This Summer was the longest stretch I've gone without feeling truly happy. Only recently has that started to filter back, but it's been gradual. They say that joy shouldn't be left to those with perfect lives or fluid time schedules.

I think that it's terribly hard to find happiness when you are going through horrible struggles, but I'm still learning how to find the joy in the transitory. I'm beginning to think that seperating yourself from things and indulging in something simple, but good realy really helps. When I was dealing with my Mom's death, and my family was making me crazy, I stayed home one night, read one of my favorite books, and I had a cold glass of iced tea. After that I slept for the first time in days! I felt renewed! For that evening, I was alone and happy. For that evening, I was able to nurture a happy feeling that comforted me more at my worst. It was still tough for me afterward, but that method of finding a simple pleasure is helpful.

Happiness doesn't come naturally for everyone. For some people, fallen expectations are usually met by sadness, discouragement, etc. I've read, in many self help books, that you can choose to be happy. I'm guessing that you can create happiness, by doing something that makes you happy. Even if something bad happens, just take some time for yourself. Remember that the sun comes up the next day, even if it's behind the clouds. I know that sounds stupid, but it gives me hope. Buddhists say that you have to find peace with losing everything, because eventually it happens to us all. We have to enjoy what we have, but realize the impermanence. If we keep that in mind, things really don't hurt so bad and happiness can be found. I don't know how much of that it is true, but it sounds like something to keep in mind.

Legitimacy and Strength in Leadership: A Ruler's Fitness for the Crown

2010-10-07T20:04:00.001-04:00

(This essay discusses aspects of characters within the Shakespeare play The Life and Death of King John)

The topics of legitimacy and strength are important to the characters King John and Arthur with the context of Shakespeare's The Life and Death of King John. Both of these attributes are challenging for these characters. These characteristics are considered relative to stability and are very desirable within a monarch. A monarch would need to be unwavering when it came to decision making and old enough to run a country without regency. The topic of legitimacy would secure the popularity of the monarch with the common people, but it would be shaken if the prospect of war were to erupt. King John, who was of questionable legitimacy to the throne, was old enough, but not necessarily wise enough to rule England. John was appointed to the throne by his late brother Richard the Lionhearted. "To this fair island and the territories, To Ireland, Poitiers, Anjou, Touraine, Maine, Desiring thee to lay aside the sword, Which sways usurping these several titles, And put the same into young Arthur's hand, Thy nephew and right royal sovereign." (Shakespeare) Because Constance, King Philip of France, and others felt that John usurped the throne from Arthur, it caused a rift for his character within the play. This kind of scandal cuts down his desirability within his own country and and within the French borders. Even the French questioned the loyalty of their sovereigns during the conflicts.

Aspects with John that lessened his desirability were his greediness and his all consuming obsession with keeping the crown. John's armies robbed the monasteries for profit and were willing to go to war with France just to keep his title. John was ready to marry off his niece, Blanche, to King Philip's son, Lewis, in order to settle any plans to pursuing Arthur as King of England, thus removing any threat. Arthur, who was directed by King Philip and his controlling, guilt dealing mother Constance, didn't really have a voice of his own to begin with. "Good my mother peace! I would that I were low laid in my grave. I am not worth this coil that is made for me." (Shakespeare) Constance seemed to want the throne for Arthur and he really didn't exhibit any drive to be king. Arthur, the son of the King's late elder brother, is portrayed as a fragile, delicate and naive child who wouldn't have the competence to rule at his tender age. John also seemed to have a strong mother figure who influenced many of the important decisions that he made throughout the play. Eleanor, his mother, was a guiding hand at many moments where he was mostly indecisive on his own. That reduces that viability of a true monarch. That two characters seemed to have no mind of their own in certain matters or were lead by their emotions rather than strength and intelligent leadership skills.

Arthur, because he is so sheltered by his mother, has no basis for true decision making as a ruler. he was basically led around by King Philip and Constance, without any concrete example, as they bartered and threatened in order to champion his ascension as King of England. "Now, citizens of Angiers, ope your gates, Let in that amity which you made, For at Saint Mary's chapel presently The rites of marriage shall be solemnized..." (Shakespeare) Even Philip shows sings of indecision, which isn't a monarch's strong suit. When Philip first shows signs of peace through the marriage of his son to John's niece, it seemed that Arthur's chances were dashed. It seemed that all the threats of war and discord for Arthur's cause were thrown aside as if they weren't a priority anymore. Both John and Philip were ready to disregard everything for the opportunity of moving into Angiers. They were even willing to patronize Constance and Arthur with lesser titles. But with the threat of religious turmoil at Pandulf's hand, Philip quickly turns his mind back to its original direction. The fickle nature that Philip exhibits was a classic example of undesirability in a monarch, because his lack steadfast decision making. John was so threatened by Arthur, that he put forth an order of execution to be done by Hubert, which pits his own nobleman against him. John's weakness were his rash decisions and his inane fears of being deposed as sovereign of his country.

Eventually, after the failed execution of Arthur, John's misdeeds against the monasteries are the ones that kill him. A monk from one of the monasteries poisons him fatally and he ends up dying. Arthur, who was slated to die by execution, makes a fatal attempt to escape by jumping to his death over the castle wall. Both nobles, regardless of their ages, made fatal mistakes that ultimately cost both of their lives. "The wall is high, and yet I will leap down. Good ground, be pitiful and hurt me not! ....As good to die and go, as die and stay." (Shakespeare) Because of Arthur's immaturity and blind hopefulness, he ultimately makes the leap and ends his part in the play. The frailty in his character and in John's lead to a series of factors would make both of them unfit to rule. They didn't have the strength, the examples, or the organization to take control of a country. Their actions put themselves at risk, and even put their countries in jeopardy.

DJ'ing!

2010-10-06T14:31:00.001-04:00

As of right now, I have fallen in love with my work on the radio. Today I had another fantastic day! I stayed an extra forty-five minutes past my slot, which was fun. Maybe this is my calling and I should pursue this. There have been things that were unclear to me when it came to my major at school, but this seems very natural for me. There was a mix of my favorites and I was able to play some stuff that I thought would appeal to some people I knew. Hopefully there will be more listeners as time goes on. There will always be a mix, but I want to take requests the day before. This way I won't alienate my listeners with stuff that they don't want to hear. This sounds boring, but I've been thinking about this now for a while. I'm even doing a television interview about this! Can you believe it? Well, I'm going to be broadcasting from 10:30 AM until 1PM this Saturday. I want to put up a link for requests on my Facebook. It's going to be fun!

Duo: An Evening with Richard Marx & Matt Scannell

2010-10-02T19:55:00.019-04:00

At the Bergen Performing Arts Center in Englewood, New Jersey, I was fortunate enough to have a front row seat to see a show called Duo: An Acoustic Evening with Richard Marx and Matt Scannell. Richard Marx, who is a veteran in the music industry, joins up with best friend and Vertical Horizon front-man Matt Scannell taking turns to share their most popular songs, such as Right Here Waiting, Hazard, You're A God, and Everything You Want, along with stories and witty repartee. During the bulk of their set, Marx and Scannell included the Grammy winning Midwestern classical group, The Pacifica Quartet to accompany them. These four artists hail from Marx's home state of Illinois and played with Marx and Scannell for the first time at this concert. According to Marx, there will be other dates that will include these players. Marx, who is a Chicago native, was never secretive about the end of his pop career, but candidly shares his fervent love for songwriting and producing. This part of his career, something that has kept him in the game, was how he made his start in the music business. Recently, he's written for such artists as Keith Urban, Daughtry, and Lifehouse. After all of these years, Marx still performs on his A game and he still knows how to win over his audience. Marx's voice has that mixture of rough and tenderness that easily graces through every song he performs. During the show, Marx talked about working with the pop, boy band 'NSync and how proud he is of Justin Timberlake's successes. He and Scannell then performed, "This I Promise You," a song written by Marx that became a huge hit for the boy band.

A charming Matt Scannell discussed his work with other artists as he was about to perform the song "Best I Ever Had," which was a hit both for his band Vertical Horizon and for country singer Gary Allan. He talked about his beginnings in music, the evolution in his work, and his enjoyment of the songwriting craft. From seeing a Vertical Horizon concert in the past and hearing songs in this format, I can understand the talent and enthusiasm that Scannell puts into his job. He is an absolutely amazing performer! Some of the most memorable highlights of this intimate concert were Marx's performance of the song "Through My Veins," a touching tribute to his late father and Scannell's performance of the love song "Here" from his band Vertical Horizon's latest album Burning the Days. Throughout the show, you can tell both Scannell and Marx are best friends and they even admit that doing the shows is just a reason to hang out together. They bring that wonderful, friendly atmosphere to the stage and the crowd definitely adored every minute of it! Look for a concert date nearest you, because these performances should not be missed. For more information and concert dates, click on www.richardmarx.com or www.verticalhorizon.com. For more information on the Pacifica Quartet, click on www.pacificaquartet.com.

Socially Muted

2010-09-30T20:09:00.001-04:00

I was reading my health book and it was talking about the health benefits of having a healthy social life. After considering all of the points that were discussed within that part of the chapter I thought, "Do I have a social life?" Unfortunately, I realized, my answer was no. Since June, things have been very quiet for me. Well, not really quiet, but socially quiet. Gradually I have become a social introvert. This isn't to say that I am a complete introvert, because I interact with my peers on campus and through academic circles. Since my life was turned upside down, I've lost a sense of community in the way of friendships. Even my existing friendships probably question my reliability these days. By my own admission, I am completely selfish as of late. I feel like a failure to some of my friends, because of my emotional unavailability. Everything seems more and more tedious as time goes on. When we're kids, socializing was an easy task. You didn't really feel the need to sequester yourself, unless there was something really wrong. As an adult, it's even harder, because socializing is a difficult maze. It's not the difficult task that you had to overcome in high school, but it's still challenging.

As humans, we live in a world of judgment and we evaluate the people we surround ourselves with. As time wore on, I felt that my feelings were better left to myself. Another part of my life felt the need to seek structure and social obligations seemed to be beyond my control. I didn't want to feel prone or vulnerable, which is part of extending yourself. This is most definitely a self-preservation action and I'm not proud of it. I have heard that the longer you sequester or isolate yourself from others, the harder it is to rejoin or reconnect with them. The theory is that you can unlearn the social aspects of your personality and you have to reteach yourself these lessons. Maybe I need to find some time of rejuvenation or some type of renewal that will make me feel better about life in that respect. That's one of the reasons that I joined a club at the college finally. It was something that was completely out of my comfort zone and it caused me to deal with people that I had never met before. Shedding a light on my self-confidence may be the key that I am looking for, and hopefully the rest will fall into place. You never really have a map of how to live your life. Interactions with people are a gamble and giving of yourself can sometimes be an acceptable risk.

College Radio (A Mobile Blog)

2010-09-24T16:47:00.004-04:00

Today I finally got my time slot as a DJ for my college's radio station, WOCC Viking Radio. I'm really psyched about this, because this is an opportunity to try out my communications skills. If I love it, I will follow up with more work. I'm going to broadcast on Wednesdays and Saturdays. I'm going to have a mix of metal, classic rock, modern rock, pop, R&B, and even some country for good measure. Being that my music is planned, I will take requests in advance of my broadcasts. I have to find a cool name for my show, so I am going to think about that for a couple days. Something creative will come to me, I'm sure. I will definitely share my simulcasting links, times, twitter information, and other goodies as soon as possible. This is really exciting and I hope you'll tune in to share all of the fun with me!
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Posted via email from Summer Writing

Catching Up (A Journal Entry)

2010-09-23T20:05:00.001-04:00

I figured I would write a blog post about myself. I haven't really written a journal post in a while. It's the 15th Wedding Anniversary for Donald and me! I can't believe it! time has passed by so quickly that it's unbelievable. I love him so much and I love him more and more every day. Well, I have my chance for the college radio station finally. I go for the orientation tomorrow. It's very exciting. I've always loved music and wanted to have some part in it. Being a musician wasn't really my forte, and I wasn't really keen on working as a journalist for the school paper. I love to write, but I have my issues about working in parameters. Besides, I would only want to be a music journalist anyway. One of the former writers for the paper is someone that runs in my circles, but I really don't talk to her. Friends of mine do though. She usually goes to concerts that I attend for Richard Marx or Vertical Horizon. She is a Vertical Horizon junkie in fact. She writes for an internet magazine that has to do with music. All I know is that she pushed me out of the way to get her Burning the Days disc signed when I was in Philadelphia, which I didn't really appreciate. My husband witnessed it, and he kinda rolled his eyes. That is a whole other story! I digress, because the school paper just doesn't work for me. I think the novelty of playing all different kinds of music on a radio show gives me a chance to have more fun. We'll see how everything goes, because I'm really eager to try out.

I had a great day of classes. I passed with very good grades on my biology exams. I was pleased that all of my study efforts paid off. Basically, I spent the last couple days studying for this test. I usually read the chapters and go over my notes lightly throughout the week, and save the harder studying for the last two days. It really solidifies the material for me. Algebra worked out for me as well. I was finally able to work out some equations that were giving me some trouble and now I think I've got the hang of it. Math is not my favorite subject in the world to say the least! I would rather take an extra English class. Since it's a required course, I will tolerate it and swallow the horribleness until the end of the semester. I have a paper to write on King John, and I am still rolling around ideas in my head. I'm going to write the thesis this weekend. I love my professor for this course. She's really great! I love anything to do with English royal literature or drama, so this really scratches me right where I itch. I think one of the best things that happened to me today though was my grant! I got a sizeable grant that will pay for most of my education! You have no idea how happy this makes me. This pretty much made my month and maybe the rest of my year. Now, I'm just waiting for October 1st! That's when I go to see the Duo show in Englewood, New Jersey. This is a Richard Marx/Matt Scannell show. I'm meeting many friends for dinner before the show. It's going to rock! That's all I have for today. Love ya!

The Game of Love

2010-09-23T19:26:00.001-04:00

After a long relationship, there is a period where you just start to date. Well, I wouldn't call it dating, more like seeing. I can remember being in a relationship about a year with someone I intended to marry and it ended, so it took me a bit before I dated again. I started to date a few months later. The guy, whom I'd had a relationship with in the past, was someone I was dating "on the rebound" as they say. I've come to realize why that word is used. Relationships, mostly in the dating phase, are a game. Much to the chagrin of many people, it is definitely a strategy. If you are able to master that strategy and make the dating part of your relationship work, you can move on from that part of the game to the next phase. I think, pretty much by then, you know that you've found your partner. When I was dating my rebound guy, I met another guy who I ended up marrying and we've been together for 15 years. My husband and I mastered that game, and have gone through that phase. There is a difference between games, of course, and "the game." Games, which is definitely plural, means that the person you're seeing or dating is probably either dating another person or other persons, or they are leading you on with no option of any significant future. This could mean that you are Miss Right Now, and when another Miss Right Now comes along, you will be thrown to the curb. Some men are just fickle asswipes that way, to put it bluntly. Those who've encountered men like that will certainly know. I've encountered men like that, and they suck!

Another part of the relationship is finding common interests with the person with whom you're dating. You can have great compatibility when it comes to your sexual chemistry and have jack-shit to talk about, which means you will eventually become nothing but the occasional "booty call." Being compatible and being able to have activities outside of the bedroom increases your chances of furthering the relationship. It can also help you to get to know his friends, and likewise with yours. You have to watch for men who play the jealous card. I can recall my ex-boyfriend being so jealous that, when he brought me to parties around his friends, he would start a fight with someone just for looking at me. That is definitely the red flag to find the exit door and leave that relationship. There is no room in anyone's life for that kind of torment, no matter how much money he makes, how cute he is or how great the sex is. Sometimes, you have to watch your friends around your man. I've had experiences with friends who thought it was their mission in life to express their anger and jealousy over my relationships. You have to pick and choose your friends, or at least keep them at arms length when it comes to some situations. I think that goes the same way for men and their friends.

It's surprising how much we are willing to tolerate when for the person we love. We can spoonfeed ourselves mouthfulls of crap until we turn green for someone who could be completely toxic. Take for instance, I know a person who was dating a guy for more than a few years. This guy a had a couple kids and was still married. This person allowed this guy to move in to her house because he promised to break up with his wife and divorce her. With this promise in mind, this person allowed his two children to stay at her house on the weekends. Eventually he divorced his wife, but for most of the relationship he was stringing the ex-wife along and cheating on this person. Eventually she broke up with him, but it took a maximum amount of pain before that action was taken. This is another red flag that you have to look out for. Do not date married men, because it almost never works out. No matter what they tell you, for most of the situations, they have no intentions of leaving their wives. They are, as I said in the first paragraph, playing games. These are men who always think that the grass is greener on the other side. They are manipulative and they have something missing in their lives. This person, was an unfortunate individual who was confronted with that type of relationship and succumbed to it. This doesn't make her a bad person; it makes her someone who had an important life lesson that changed her for the better. When the chips were down, she folded and left.

Those in a long-term relationship are definitely aware that it includes a very involved amount of balance and strategy. This balance and strategy are the most important parts of the relationship game. In the beginning of a relationship, you have an intense, integral time that is very vital in establishing the foundation or groundwork. Nurturing the relationship helps that foundation take hold and really helps you grow together as a couple. Once you make that establishment, you are able to share other important parts of your life. Important parts like your family, friends, and even your work. This is a natural progression and it keeps a healthy balance between the two of you. You have to remember to take time for each other, from time to time, with the same wonder and happiness that you had when your relationship began. Never let your relationship's flame burn out and become joyless. We live in a very busy and fast-paced culture, where we tend to forget our significant others. Sometimes we remember the obligations that we have in every other place, but the ones that are the most important. Love always needs tender nurturing, no matter how long you've been together or have been married. Open communication, friendship, honesty, and integrity are just as important as the physical acts of intimacy. Keeping faith and trust in each other is a definitely building block in a healthy commitment. In conclusion, enjoy each other, because that is the most important part of love. You need to have that chemistry to grow together.

Falling Off the Wagon

2010-09-17T18:34:00.002-04:00

It's been a while now since I've dealt with any symptoms of panic! Other than me feeling some stress that goes along with my normal life. By panic I mean the sick feelings. I'm feeling normal again or as normal as I'm ever going to get. I've come to the decision that once I acknowledged that I was being driven to sickness I was able to harness my stress much easier. Plus, now that I am back in school, I have an out. My anxiousness is dealing with weight loss now. I'm looking to join the gym at my school. I was going to join Retro Fitness but, if I can do that for free, then why bother. I have also been struggling with eating choices lately too. I have to stop falling off the wagon. Today was the worst, because I was on the run. I actually stopped at McDonald's to buy my dinner. I haven't been there in so long and I felt like a criminal. I actually hate myself for eating that food, not to mention that I filled myself with acid ridden Coca Cola. I really suck!

Oh and just so everyone knows, I don't look good or at least I don't think I do. I have so much work to do. It's going to take me a year to be at least healthy and I know that. I'm ready for that challenge, but I know that it won't be easy. The McDonald's thing is not something that I will repeat ever again. That actually churns in my stomach when I think about it. What a mistake! I never weigh myself, because I just want to focus on being me. I don't want to stress but, now that Mom is gone, I can't help it. Eating hamburgers from that shithole just solidifies how much of weak person I am. Maybe I am too hard on myself, but that's how I feel. I'm the one who looks at myself in the mirror every day and I know my flaws big time. I look at my waist and I know how it looks. I walk a great deal, and I stay active, but I just want to feel normal. I don't need to be perfect; I just want to be healthy. I don't think that is too much to ask. In fact, I think that is a goal that's more than achievable. I want it so badly and I'm going to work even harder to get there.

In the Stacks

2010-09-16T21:40:00.000-04:00

I'm sitting in the library enjoying the comfort of my little cubical in the corner of the stacks with my books stacked next to my mini-notebook and my bags tucked neatly on the right of my desk. I've had a very long, but rewarding day of classwork. I've learned about protons, neutrons, and one celled organisms, complex algebraic expressions, and the exploits of Shakespeare's King John. Right now I am waiting for my husband to pick me up, because I am finished with most of my work for today. I'm not in a rush, because I love the library. I love the smell of old books, because it comforts me. It makes me grateful that I have the privilege of reading so many different types of books from authors like Tolstoy and Austen, not to mention the fact that I have access to so many different sources of information and periodicals. It makes me smile. That's why I am grinning in this photograph! I love the library! I wish other people would learn to love it too. I remember when my Mother first brought me to the library. I picked out Madeleine as my first book and my second book was Arrow to the Sun. I fell in love with books. I used to love the bookmobile too! Did you ever have the bookmobile come to your school? You would choose the books you would want and you were able to buy them. I loved it! It was my favorite time of year as a kid. I guess I was a real nerd. Now it's Barnes and Noble, Borders, the College and Public Libraries that do it for me now. In fact, I'm not sure if this is the right thing to do, but maybe library work is in my future. Who knows? I'm fickle sometimes. Well, I have to get my stuff together, because I have to meet the hubby. Take care.... Love ya!

Dealing with Negativity

2010-09-16T19:58:00.002-04:00

You can get up in the morning and feel really great. You eat your breakfast, drink your coffee, and get your morning routine on course. You motivate yourself to take on your day but, before you can start, there is a person who stands in your way. That one negative person with a black cloud over their head and all they want to do is make you feel awful. These people are mostly insulting, even though they don't realize it. There are people who do not fully understand the power of words and what the negative ones can do to a person, even if it's unintentional. Maybe these people are in their own ring of negativity that they can't seem to shake. That may be a self-imposed situation or a situation that someone has created for them. All they do for most of their day is place blame, or criticize, or complain about whatever person or persons lay in their path. I've always wondered if we had a choice to participate or not participate in that type of unhealthy pattern. How do you avoid that type of personal run-in? If you are in a particular group, and you can notice that type of person, you may be able to avoid them. The best way would be notice the person for what he or she is, and just walk away. Although this may be frustrating for the offending individual, it is cleansing and emancipating for you.

There are other ways that you can lure that negative person away from you. If you are within a group of friends who also recognize this certain person as a problem, maybe they can help to shift the negative behaviors away. Sometimes, when you are in a group dynamic, you can escalate a different direction. If you are in a group, you can do positive fun activities that can shift the negative aspect of an individual away. It can also help to change the focus of the negative individual and give a new fresh perspective for them to look on. This can also happen within the family dynamic as well. In some instances, certain family members tend to bring negative behavior patterns, which include guilt, blame, resentment, and even unhealthy anger. Joining with family members for a dinner or a group event can take that type behavior pattern away, but sometimes the problem needs to be addressed by the family in frank, honest group conversation. Unfortunately, sometimes that is the hardest thing in the world to endure. My family does very poorly at that activity. Many families aren't proficient with their communication skills. Some families who feel that they are communicative and tight, really fall short. If someone tells me that they come from a perfect home, I will call them a liar. Nobody has a perfect family. Families have many different levels of dysfunction, and there are some who are worse than others.

Of course, there are people who can't even grasp the concept that they are unhealthy in their habits. Because they can't notice or acknowledge that obstacle, they can't understand why you had to seperate yourself from him or her. There is no way that you can make some drastic metamorphosis of a person's character, because they have to really know about the problem and want to change those behaviors. Some people take on these behaviors as a personal choice, therefore there is nothing you can do anyway. You have to give that type of person room enough to take care of themselves, rather than exposing yourself to toxic problems. Why give your energies to someone who clearly doesn't deserve it? You can change the negative topic, if you are having a conversation with said person, but no other course remains. If you are strong enough to deal with someone with those social ineptitudes, then you can try to have a frank talk with them. Make it known that these behaviors exist and, once they acknowledge them, they can place an anchor toward change. But remember, you can't be everyone's lifesaver. Those who are always putting themselves in those situations, become negative themselves.

Dropping Out

2010-09-13T18:47:00.006-04:00

I was sitting in my Algebra class this morning and my instructor enters the room. She takes attendance and suddenly remarks, "They're already dropping out like flies!" After making that statement, she laughs a bit and begins her lessons. After the class was completed for the day, that statement stuck in my head. It struck me that most of the students within the classroom were twenty years younger than me and fresh out of high school, but they've already withdrawn themselves from the course. This isn't the first course that I've noticed this occurrence. I've seen it in many other classes throughout my time on campus. All of the students were young and, nine times out of ten, they were freshmen. So many students stress about making their way into college but, once they register and start classes, they easily withdraw. Why is that? According to American College Testing, one in every four students drop out of college before they complete their sophomore year or move to another college to complete their degree program. The stress of college is something that high schools forget to counsel students about. Students, especially those who dorm out, have to learn how to manage living on their own with the responsibility, time and expense management that comes along with the task. This can take a toll for the college student, fresh from high school, who was used to having their parents to help them when they needed it.

From what I have noticed, as I have gone back to college, students really don't take classes seriously for the first two weeks. I think there is this false sense of security or this easy going feeling, whereas they feel that there will not be work or anything intensive involved in a course. For example, I had been studying Etruscan Art in my Art History course for almost a week and according to the course sheet, my instructor noted that we were due for an exam. Another fellow student, who was constantly texting, looked up for the first time after a week and said, "He gives tests?" I told her yes and I asked her if she took notes. I usually reread my notes and the chapters more than once to keep material familiar so I can keep myself fresh for testing. She told me no and said, "I'm not good at studying and I think this was a bad idea.... I think I'm going to drop." This was after three weeks of the course. It was really sad. Another girl was facing the same dilemma, but worked really hard to catch up on her studies and passed the course. She told me that balancing work, her social life and relationship, and school was hard at first, but she got the hang of it. I can't understand why some students won't take advantage of the free tutors on campus! I've seen fellow students flounder and it can be so easily remedied. I've taken advantage of the math tutors on countless occasions and even the writing tutors! Instead, they just drop when their grade lowers so they don't affect their GPA! They're still paying for the course unfortunately.

There are many other reasons for the drop out rate in the United States. One of the largest difficulties is financial pressure. The amount of tuition for the average student is astronomically high and many middle class families can't afford to send their children to college. According to a journal article on College Board called Trends in College Pricing 2009, colleges can charge up $35,000 or more for tuition costs per semester. $126 Billion dollars has been awarded to students in Financial Aid. Even with the buffer of financial aid, students feel the pressure of getting a high paying job after schooling in order to repay the crushing debt of school loans. According to the National Center for Public Policy, 79% of Financial Aid students dropped when they were at Full-Time status at college. Loans are now subsidized by the Federal Government rather than private banks, which helps in some respects, but pushes more students into verification. This can delay students from getting their loans in on time before their classes begin. Community colleges are becoming increasingly popular, because they can give students their first two years of college and prepare them for a bigger university or college where they may have to live away from home. This decision also lowers the cost. Ocean County College and Brookdale Community College are examples of community colleges that partner with large universities. Ocean County College partners with Kean University and Brookdale Community College partners with Rutgers University. Students can matriculate through both schools without having to live far from home and it lowers the cost of tuition. I've seen students forced out because their loans are pushed into verifications, even with the community colleges making a more affordable alternative. Make sure that all your documentation is in to the Financial Aid office as soon as possible to avoid any mishaps. I've experienced difficulties with this myself, and it's no picnic. I'm serious when I say that!

There are things to remember before you decide to become another college dropout. According to the United States Census Bureau, students who have a college education, stand to make twice as much per year than those with just a high school diploma. In college, you can get recommendations, build up your resume, fall into lucrative intern positions and be able to obtain a job following your graduate education. Sometimes that education may come later in life, but don't let that stop you from pursuing your dream. The longer you put off your education, the harder it will be to find a career that will give you a stable happy lifestyle. Choose the right major for you, because that can also play into a reason to drop. Make sure you know what you want, before you start out your journey. Talk to your college advisers, because they are paid to help you with your college experience. Take advantage of study strategy seminars as well, because they can help you manage your time and keep you from feeling overwhelmed when exams and midterms arise. For those who are considering college, whether you are in high school or you are an adult, look at all of your options. Prepare yourself for the experience, whether it is going to a junior college or community college first, before a university or taking the college head start plan that some high schools offer. College should be a fun and rewarding experience that you can learn and grow from, not to drop out and miss out on all the opportunities it can afford you.

It's Been Interesting

2010-09-09T16:25:00.002-04:00

So far, my experience with classes has been very good. However, my experiences with financial aid has been a pain in the ass. I have been in verification for weeks now, and I have been paying for my education out of pocket. Today, in between my classes, I stopped by the administration building to speak with financial aid once more. I was then given the around about the time schedule in which my verification would be completed. I told her, "This is absolutely ridiculous! This is inept and totally unprofessional!" After that, I went home to take care of a few things before I went to my biology class. Funny enough, the schedule had the wrong room number for the course and I had ask the secretary at the Science Dept. where the class was located. Luckily, I had a very kind professor. The class went well, and she provides all of the notes online with cruiser. This is great, because I can actually enjoy the benefit of the lecture instead of playing beat the clock with the professor's power point or scrambling for every note throughout the class period. I have my first lab class tomorrow, and I am really excited. I haven't really studied biology before. I took chemistry and physics in high school. My husband was joking with me and said, "Maybe you will have to dissect a frog or a fetal pig." I'm not really nervous about that.

I have the next installment of my Shakespeare course today. I have read King John in the I and II Acts. I've taken some notes, but I would like to see her take on them. My professor moves very quickly, but I really enjoyed her last lecture. I'm going to look up some information on those acts from other sources. I figure this can give me some extra background on the material. I figure that would help once it gets down to writing a paper about the play. I'm actually nervous about it, because I've never really delved into Shakespeare in great length. We touched on it in high school, but it never really interested me that much. It always felt forced during those points in my life. In my adult years, my interests are piqued and the historical English subtext plays make it even more fun for me. The Tudor dynasty has always been my favorite subject. I've wrote a couple papers on it, and I have watched countless movies and read numerous books on the subject matter. Today, we are supposed to watch a film of King John. She did say that if the class kept up with the reading, she wouldn't have pop quizzes. I hope that the others in the class keep up with that end of the bargain.

I can't wait until October 1st! I am going to see Richard Marx and Matt Scannell at the Bergen Performing Arts Center in Englewood, New Jersey after my Biology lab class. If I haven't made any arrangements around that, I really should. Hopefully that will happen. My life has been a total wash lately when it comes to other people. I've been absent when it comes to friends and other social activities these days. Maybe I should learn to not make promises anymore, but I can't cut myself out entirely. My life is a comedy of errors when it comes to other people or at least to situations in general. I don't want anyone to feel disappointed or upset with me. Sounds pretty drastic when you think about it, but it's really true. Aside from things that are regimented, my life is incomplete when it comes to socially motivated relationships. In two words, "I suck!". That's not an exaggeration. Hopefully now that I have something else to think about, aside from the steaming pile of crap from the last couple months, I will be a better person. Although I have learned one thing this year: I refuse to kiss ass or put myself in a position where I am going to be stepped on, manipulated by ridiculous familial persons, or be used by sack of crap fair-weather asswipes. I've decided to grow something these days, and I think it's been looooong overdue! It's called good self-esteem and pride in myself! I'm not going to eat crappy food, I'm not going to die like my mother, I'm not going to be everyone's doormat, and I'm going to live to my fullest potential. I think that kind of sums up my attitude after my experiences from this year. Thank you for listening to my offbeat weird and maybe even off-putting diatribe today. Love ya!

Classes

2010-09-08T19:56:00.000-04:00

Check out this video: My First Day (Video Blog)

Philip Sayce Rocks!

2010-09-06T16:01:00.000-04:00

If you haven't heard Philip Sayce before, you have to listen to him! This is his track called Scars, written by him and Richard Marx. It just rocks!

My First Video Blog

2010-09-06T15:37:00.001-04:00

My First Video Blog

♥ Denise ♥ | MySpace Video

Tough On Yourself

2010-09-06T14:05:00.001-04:00

As humans we have a tendency to be tough on ourselves. This seems to be a part of humanity, a part of human nature in a conscious sense. To face or address this is difficult and reforming that behavior pattern is even more challenging. These behaviors are sometimes noticeable and some aren't. The obstacle is noticing the problem for yourself. For some, it may be hard to accept praise for jobs well done. Others may never feel as if they do anything right. Body image can also come into play when it comes to this issue. Many men and women are hard on themselves, because they need to find perfection when it comes to the way they look. Hating yourself for getting sick, and the limitations it causes is another example. I suffer from this prime example. Being that I am an epileptic, I have a very specific limitation that many adults take for granted. I cannot drive an automobile. Driving, to me, symbolizes a sense of freedom. Because I do not drive, I am at the mercy of others for transportation. I've always hated myself for having such frailties that I have to rely on the aid of others. The anger I have for myself is the red flag that indicates that I need to find some refuge from this self-unkindness. Sometimes you don't realize how tough you are until other people point out the obstacle, and that can be the toughest indication.

Essentially, when a person is difficult on themselves, they give their body the indication that they are unworthy. When you think this way, you cause psychological or physical problems that have to be addressed later. I know this from experience. Unfortunately, this can be cyclical. Being tough on one's self is a frivolous waste of energy. If I kept dwelling on my limitations, I would constantly feel a state of depression. This would inhibit myself from performing my daily life. Dwelling on your limitations sponges the life out of yourself and takes away from the positive things that life has to offer. It can affect the way you deal with people and your relationships. It can cause your body to feel physically ill, which is something that caught up with me lately. Even if you are used to feeling that unhealthy and drained, you know that it's wrong on a basic human level. Like any other bad habit, this is something that is more than difficult to shake. Doing so takes real ambition and drive to feel better about yourself. Realizing your triggers, noticing the signs, and being aware makes all the difference. This makes a more positive outlook toward ourselves and the way we deal with our life in the world.

Pleasant Valley Sunday

2010-09-05T20:35:00.002-04:00

I spent a wonderful day with my sisters, my brother-in-law, and my eldest sister's friend at a wine tasting in Allaire State Park this afternoon. There were many different wineries that were peddling their wares in a multitude of tents scattered within the historical Allaire Village. It was an absolutely perfect day for this, because it was not too hot and not too chilly with beautiful blue skies. As we wandered from booth to booth, I sampled different wines from deep, rich Cabernet Sauvignons from Renault Winery to light fruity Rieslings from Hopewell Valley. I really loved this wine called the Jersey Devil Red, because it was just the right depth for me. I'm not really keen on white wine so much. They had a semi-sweet Asian Pear wine that wasn't so bad. For sweet dessert wines, that sounded perfect. I love a good port as a dessert wine, and Renault has the best for that. New Jersey has a really rich wine country with a variety of different wineries to choose from. Cream Ridge winery seems to specialize in a great deal of dessert wines, and Tomasello winery also specializes in those varieties. I loved Hopewell Valley's Barbera, because it reminded me of a full bodied yet smooth Syrah. After meandering from booth to booth, we all began to feel hungry. Against my better judgment, I decided to indulge on a bowl of Jambalaya with chicken and andouille sausage. It was completely scrumptious of course. If you are interested to find out more about these festivals click here. The Garden State Wine Growers Association runs these events and they have more than one every year.

While I was there, I took some quick nature and historical photos here and there. There were so many people, so it was really hard to find an angle that wasn't crowded with bodies. I wanted to enjoy more of the park, but it wasn't meant to be. I want to go back with Donald, take pictures, and walk down the nature trail. All of this will be done covered in deet laden bug spray. This way I can get more enjoyment out of the scenery without the hustle and bustle. I hadn't been to the park since going with my Mother three years ago. I went on that trip to do research for an English paper on Howell Works. I don't even know if I have a hard copy of the text anymore. I may have it on my computer somewhere along the way. I remember having to go to the General Store to pick up some informational text for the thesis. My Mother, who wasn't walking very well at the time, was not able to make it to the General Store. She sat on a bench in the parking lot. Thinking about it now, that may have been the last time she went to Allaire State Park. I want to take some pictures of the Grist Mill and the old church. I would also like to go there when the Blacksmith shop is open, so that I may video tape it and share it with you all. I wish I could see all of that again with my Mother, but that ship has sailed. I wish my Mother could have gone with us today, because she would have had so much fun. My Mother loved going to wineries, and she loved going to places like Renault and Cream Ridge winery. I wish she was still able to enjoy the park with me.

The other half of my day was spent with my Dad. I went to dinner with him and my two cousins Dianne and Bill. We rarely get to see each other and it was nice to be able to catch up with family. We went to Friday's for the meal, and I tried to eat as a healthful as possible. Unfortunately, I don't think that there is anyway that you can keep from eating completely healthy in that restaurant. It was tasty though, I must admit. It was nice to see my cousins and I'm glad that we can still have those connections in our lives. Family is very important, even when we don't realize it. Right now, I am trying to learn that concept. My body alone is trying to learn this concept, because it's rebelling against it. It's not from not loving or caring about them, and it's definitely not about wanting to be seperated from them. It's really just the stress between everything emassing into this huge knot. It was nice to have two family get-togethers that made me smile and relax. I haven't had that luxury in a very long time. This was a very healthy day for me. Enjoying the outdoors and getting some vitamin D from the sunshine helped too. I don't really get that much vitamin D because, as I have said in the past, I am a vampire. Ha! I didn't get a sunburn, because I put sunscreen on. I did well as a daywalker rather than a nightowl for one day. My Sunday definitely made up for a very quiet Saturday. It was a nice weekend.

Back to Being a College Student

2010-09-03T16:45:00.002-04:00

Today, on this rainy gloomy Friday afternoon, I am comparison shopping for schoolbooks on the Internet. This year, if I choose to purchase all of my academic materials from the college bookstore, I will pay more than $600. This year I have decided to be more proactive with my money and use the ISBN numbers to my advantage. I figure, if I am paying so much for my education, I might scale down some of the financial burden. It's the least I can do for myself. I'm beginning to think that paper and bindings are becoming just as expensive as gold. I believe that the information collected within them is worthwhile, and that is completely understandable. Unfortunately, the burden on the average student must be astronomical. Even the tuition for the average college student costs more than the price of a modest home, in some cases. Aside from my complaints about books and tuition, I am very much ready to attend school again. I need to be back to my lectures and learning again. I missed it so much and I didn't realize how much until the middle of July came. Maybe it was the events that happened it June and what I had to deal with following it, but I desperately need this change of venue. I have been waiting for this chance for the bulk of my summer season it seems.

I've decided to change the theme and title of my blog, being that my Summer writings have come to a close. I think, with the circumstances as they were, I wrote a substantial amount of material. Donald says I should have been more forthcoming, but how much of me do people really want to know about. I figure for the most part, I will share my essays and papers from the semester along with some personal journal updates chronicling my time during this Autumn. I've decided to take four classes this semester. I'm taking a Contemporary Health course, a College Biology course, a Shakespeare Plays course, and a College Algebra course. They may seem a bit mundane, but some are required. The Shakespeare was recommended by my college adviser. I haven't really touched on Shakespeare since high school, so this should be a whole new experience. I'm almost a bit nervous. I was thinking about the future of my work, and I've continued to dream about journalism. I was reading the graduate education courses offered by the New York Times today and I was almost salivating at the prospect of having those certificates. I still consider that type of work a pipe dream, but I can't keep myself from wishing that this particular dream would come true.

I go back to school on the seventh of September. I pick up my books that morning, which is an ordeal. I can't, for the life of me, understand why they wouldn't schedule the selling date one day earlier. I'm convinced that my college just enjoys being a royal pain in the ass. At least they let you pre-order so that you do not have to wait online for hours anymore. I remember having to do that. I'd rather step on a sharp thumbtack. I've been chided because I haven't taken to joining any "clubs." For the life of me, I haven't really seen one that has really fit. Maybe I need to give one of them a chance. It would definitely look good on my college transcript. There is the school paper, but I have to see whose advising it now. Last I remember it was Karen Bosley, a former English professor of mine. Anyway, that is something that I really wouldn't mind helping out with a bit. Although, I am sure that they have their share of "staff." The campus radio station is the only other thing that I am really interested in joining. We'll see how the semester progresses. They usually have their stands throughout the campus during the first days of the semester. I just want to look over my syllabi's and see how much work I'm in for before I devote myself to any other cause aside from my classes. I'm really ready to just hit the books and spend time in the stacks this semester. I'm excited to see how my journey goes this year. Wish me oodles of luck!

Waves of Generosity: The Spirit of the Potlatch

2010-08-30T17:05:00.000-04:00

I can remember reading and learning about the interesting topic of the Native American Potlatch. This Native American ceremonial tradition celebrates the highest form of genuine and true generosity. This indigenous holiday is celebrated by the Northwest Coast tribes. The name Potlatch itself is a Chinook term defined as "giving away" or "to give a gift". Through historical times, it has been banned federally by the United States and Canada. I was very interested in the topic of Potlatch through an anthropology standpoint, because it seemed to be one of the most unselfish holidays I had come across. It's meaning wasn't commercialized or bastardized by anything corporate. It was completely unblemished and unspoiled, aside from governmental intervention. This ceremony is all about redistribution and the sharing of the family prosperity. They give away to each other unselfishly without the hope of any return. Nobody expects anything or even asks for anything. Back when it started it was mostly the sharing of textiles, foods and related goods, but it evolved as European influences chartered the country. This tradition empowers a communal spirit and spreads the wealth and joy within the tribal unit. This goes against the glamorized television fueled holidays we celebrate in America, Europe, and Canada.

The Potlatch is very different, because it's an amalgamation of rites of passage. The tradition honors funerals, weddings, birthdays, births, namings, and the honoring of the already deceased. The festivals have music, dancing, and feasting that usually occurs during the Winter months. Canada and the United States saw this as a "useless custom" and banned this tradition until it was made legal again in 1951. The Potlatch tradition has a very rich tradition from it's early indigenous roots. This ritual created a harmony between tribes and probably originated from one of more of those rites and eventually grew as time progressed. The gifts and goods were usually gathered over the course of a year and enough food was accrued to feed every expected guest that would attend the ceremonial festival. The chief was usually the one who was the impetus of the whole celebration. All of the presents would carry the family symbol and the whole family group would be involved in the process. Representatives of the chief would extend the invitations to all of the guests and, along with family and hosts, would be dressed elaborately in fine costumes and headdresses. There are speakers who discuss family history and folklore, dancers, and other performers. All of this was done with lavish preparation.

What interests me most about the Potlatch ceremony is the genuine gift of sharing. This is something, I believe, that we can all learn from. When we are grasped in a network of trust, we can give unselfishly. You realize that when the time comes, you will have that support. When we discover this, we then become less self-centered and individualistic. This is when you find a sense of community, or a sense of group. Maybe in our own life, we can create a type of Potlatch. You can find time to have a group of friends over or your family, and just have dinner with them and give them something they really need. Something as simple as sharing a meal and giving of yourself is a great way of living unselfishly. Sharing and giving of yourself is the validation of generosity which creates a network of support when times are tougher. This definitely seems like a more desirable choice than isolating yourself, accumulating your resources, and not helping those you love. If we have an abundance, what would be the point of wasting it? Sharing wealth or prosperity unselfishly is something the indigenous culture exacted correctly. I think we should learn, as a western culture, to follow that model. Christmas or something remotely close doesn't really have it right, because we bankrupt ourselves to buy useless possessions. Really people should think without the use of commercials and see what people really need. Use the spirit of the Potlatch, not the spirit of Coca Cola.

Should I Spoil Myself?

2010-08-26T17:30:00.000-04:00

I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line. ~Lucille Ball.

I've been thinking this over and I've come to the decision that I have been treating myself very cheaply in the self-care department. When I talk about self-care, I'm talking in the emotional sense. I feel as if I'm sinking on a ship and letting everyone else on the lifeboat except me. This is the most accurate metaphor that I can come up with right now. In a sense, if you can't take care of yourself emotionally, how can you take care of anyone else? I'm beginning to think that I have hit that wall. I really believe that maybe this is my wake-up call or maybe a mild epiphany, so to speak. The sad thing is that it takes feeling really sick to see that you are pushing yourself too far. That's when you feel like you're sinking. I've definitely hit that example right on the head. I've been told over and over again, that spoiling or indulging yourself once in a while isn't selfish. I'm beginning to see the merit in that theory. Maybe I need to just go for a facial or a massage on the spur of the moment or maybe I should have that vanilla ice cream sundae. You're essentially not only doing this relaxation to help yourself, but to better the way you encounter, socialize, and deal with other people on an emotional level.

Sometimes, when you put yourself at the top of your list, it's prudent to tell other people no. If you tell them no, then you can follow along with your agenda without worry. Removing the habit of putting others before yourself is the toughest part. The metaphor of the sinking ship and lifeboat comes into play again. Think that, by getting on that lifeboat first, you are caring about your well-being. I've tried to remove myself from the situation that triggers me and just breathe. Nothing will collapse if one chore isn't completed or one person isn't completely happy with you. Unfortunately, it's very hard to learn that rule. If you are a sensitive person, it's twice as difficult. I've been told that I should try meditation. So today I have decided, while I write this, that I would light a lovely, lavender-scented candle from L'Occitane. I'm not really proficient in the meditation department. I'm not sure if I suffer with Attention Deficit Disorder and I was never diagnosed, but it doesn't happen. I can't be hypnotized either, and I have tried that more than once. I just have to remember to make this effort to pamper myself, so that way I can deal with the world in a fresh and healthy perspective. Wish me luck in that department, because I need it.

A Journal Entry

2010-08-25T17:28:00.001-04:00

I had a friend call me the other night and I was discussing my recent situation. If you haven't been reading my blogs or any of my statuses here on Facebook or Twitter, I've been having this weird offbeat illness. I learned, after two Emergency Room visits, that it wasn't anything bodily wrong with me. I was actually having anxiety attacks due to GAD or Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Now I have had anxiety in the past and this didn't seem like the same thing. I digress to my friend's phone call. He mentioned something to me that made some sense to me. He told me that I wasn't being myself. I wasn't being my sarcastic, offbeat, and sometimes off-color self. I was muffled by everything that has gone within the last two months, and it's been attacking my limbic system and making feel like I have been run over by a Mack Truck driving at top speed. I have been dealing with the difficulties surrounding me, and leaving out the simple pleasures in my life. Pleasures like going out for beers and cheeseburgers or laughing hysterically at cheap horror movies. I know that may sound awful, but that makes me chuckle. Today for the first time, I just turned on some Bollywood music and danced around my kitchen with a broom sweeping the floors. I miss just being in school, researching and being a student. I can't wait until my academic life returns again. I can't tell you how much I miss it. That's another part of myself that has been stricken from me and I need it back. I can't wait until September. I'm more excited than words can express! I just want to settle into that groove again and be around people I've never met before. I need that change of venue.

Today I haven't had much pain or sweating. It's been just me today, which probably has a great deal to do with it. I got up this morning and had to deal with a shitload of garbage and I was hurting big time. Once that garbage left and went away, I was able to feel peaceful and without pain. When the stressors die down, I lose the chest pain, the headaches, the sweating, the shaking, the palpitations, the pains in my arms and legs, and the hot flashes. There is definitely something to that. I had someone else call me earlier today about a problem the person was having with a friend. It was something that I was asked to help this person with, and I could feel these symptoms flare up. I have to say that I am really tired of dealing with that situation, so I really feel very stressed over it. There isn't anything that I can do to help this person, yet I continually get dragged into that mess. Of course this mess is of a close nature, which adds to the pressure. I want to just avoid these types of situations at all costs. There was an explanation that I presented to this person about the symptoms that I was suffering with on Sunday, and that the following Monday I went back to the Emergency Room. I told this person that stressful situations were a key factor in my problem. Hopefully that will have made some sort of an impact on this individual. I've had to tell people close to me that my health is impaired from the pressure I'm going through, but they don't seem to hear me. My husband's mother understands me and she is probably one of the only people, aside from my husband, who can.

In the moving on department, I finally got added as a friend on Facebook by the Iron Sheik today. For those who are confused as to who this person is: The Iron Sheik is a wrestler from the early eighties. I have to thank Dave for that. I've been waiting for the better part of six months or more for that to happen. That was so cool. Plus I have to thank both Dave and Denise for giving me Netflix, because I've been having a blast watching movies. I've been reading a ton of old books. I decided to get back into an old read with Amy Tan's The Joy Luck Club. I think I've enjoyed it more than the first time I read it. I truly believe that you miss the subtle nuances of a book when you only read it once. I have decided to finally sit back and watch all of the seasons of Dexter. I've heard so many good things about that show, but have never watched it. I figure it will be something to watch after True Blood ends. I'm very anxious for October to come, because my husband and I are meeting up with some folks to see the Duo (Richard Marx and Matt Scannell) show. I'm so excited, because I will finally get the chance to meet my friends Janine, Mary, and Greta. Plus I will get to see my friends, Mary, Helen, and Nicki, whom I haven't seen a long time. I really need something like that to look forward to. I didn't really get to the beach as much as I really intended. Things kind of compromised that situation. I want to do that before everything gets in the way, but I don't think it will. There will always be next year. Championing my weight loss continues and I continue not to weigh myself. I just keep eating right and staying active. I really don't want to know how I'm doing right now. There will be a time where I will have to go to the physician's office and I will be weighed then. For now, I am content to just meander along my merry way. Things will go as they should in that department. I go for my stress test on September 2nd. My health is great aside from my crazy environment making me feel like crap. Hopefully that's all for now.

Anxious Body (A Mobile Blog)

2010-08-22T16:32:00.003-04:00

Well, last night was quite interesting! I dealt with a different kind of illness. Over the last two months, my body has been feeling different kinds of pain such as nausea, chest pain, headaches, body pains, fatigue, and general malaise. I went to the doctor, who ran tests on me, which proved nothing. Last night I felt so horrible after having seizures that I went to the emergency room. They ran tests on me there, which proved nothing. The doctor then said the unthinkable, "Mrs. Frame-Leitch, you are having panic attacks. I think we should try a tranquilizer. How about Ativan?". I was stunned. I didn't think this was a panic attack, because I generally felt ill. In my life, there have been bouts of panic disorder, but usually I could recognize them for what they were. This didn't ring that same bell. He asked me, "What changed over the last two months?" So I explained everything and how I felt. I told him that it was hard to deal with familial issues, but I couldn't really stop my life to let myself wallow in that discomfort. When I explained everything in detail, he then said, "Whatever your not expressing emotionally, your body is dealing with physically." I found it hard to believe that was the real crux of the situation, but I humored him, filled the prescription, took the pill, and slid into bed. Turns out that day is a better day, but I'm sad that I let everything get so far out of whack. I told the doctor that I only cried twice for Mom. I'm so upset about so many things that sometimes I don't know how to deal with it all at once. How does anyone expect me to feel? That's why I just push. If I push, and keep the momentum going, I won't have anything to dwell on. My body won't let me have even that much peace in my life. My husband is my rock, the one anchor in my life even when I feel adrift. Thank goodness he was with me when this was occurring. It's so tough for me to accept! Right now I'm just fighting back my tears, because I can't sob anymore. It hurts too much. It hurts my epilepsy too much and I don't want to be this person. This person who hangs on to something so horrible, so cancerous that it will eat away at my happiness. I'm better than that and I want to move on. I don't want to have to take a benzodiazapene to find relief. I'm not going to use a crutch like that. I'm sorry that I sound angry, but for years I have dealt with garbage like this and now I find myself embarrassed of my own weakness again. I guess I just have one more thing to kick so that I can roll down the rest of this bumpy road.
Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

Posted via email from Summer Writing

Fostering Memories

2010-08-20T15:28:00.006-04:00

Today I'm feeling some of those nostalgic moments. I'm enjoying a David Foster moment. Most of you probably don't know who he is. I've loved his music for years. Maybe longer than my love of Richard Marx, if that's possible. Of course, these songs probably only resonate with me or those of similar tastes. I've listened to this music as a kid, and it was probably the one thing in my life that I will always remember enjoying as a guilty pleasure. As a kid, I used to call it my guilty VH-1. It's still something that makes me smile no matter how sad or depressing my day has been. Richard Marx's music is the same way. I still love it after all of these years. I was so glad to hear the re-recording of Best of Me by Richard Marx. This track was written by David Foster, Jeremy Lubbock, and Richard Marx. I have been waiting for Richard to record it for what seemed like forever. This year my wish came true. You can hear the version on the fourth youtube clip. Hopefully one day Richard will record Crazy, but that's a long shot. Supposedly Richard is doing the David Foster and Friends gig for PBS, which is really exciting. Two of my favorites! I'm actually going to see Richard Marx and Matt Scannell for their Duo concert in Englewood this Autumn. I really enjoy these shows. I've seen these shows a number of times but, they are so fantastic, you have to see them more than once. Plus I always get to see old friends and new friends every time I go to the shows. I'm really looking forward to it. Like I said, this music always makes me smile.

Here are some of my favorites:

David Foster and Olivia Newton-John - Best of Me

David Foster - Katie's Theme (From the Motion Picture "Stealing Home")

David Foster - Water Fountain

Richard Marx - Best of Me (Written by David Foster, Richard Marx, and Jeremy Lubbock)

School Rant

2010-08-20T13:40:00.000-04:00

This is going to read more like a journal entry today, because I've decided to climb on my soapbox and scream. I've been dealing with my college financial aid office at my local college for the last two months trying to get everything together so that I can attend classes. I have filled out form after form after form to complete this process. I call to make sure that things are in the process of getting finished and I keep getting the run around from this department, and my process keeps getting detained. Meanwhile, I have to pay out of pocket for my education until the financial aid kicks in. This is a kick in the pants, because it's more expensive than you could ever realize. Now I will say this, and I don't be offended when I do but, "The Government financial aid process is run by a bunch of fucking tools who like to dick over every student who wants to get a decent education in order to find a decent career!" Now I believe in being patient and I walk in to this office and use a courteous decorum every time I deal with these mother fucking pricks, but they have a smug, I don't care how you feel, attitude. How does that make any sense? Now I know you're probably thinking, "Wow, what kind of mouth does she have?" You have to realize what I have deal with on a day to day basis, before you go there. I'm usually not as bad as you might think. It takes a great deal to provoke me. This was the thumbtack under my foot that caused my rage. Of course, the rage only makes it here onto this page. I'm not going to give up, mind you. I refuse to let something like this be my setback from learning. There are too many other things in my life that have gone wrong, and I won't let this be another one lost. I'm only 13 credits away until I get to my next degree program at Kean University, and I refuse to let anyone or anything stand in my way! I'm sure that this whole rant is chock full of grammar mistakes but, at this point, I don't care! Have a good weekend.

Interpersonality

2010-08-17T19:41:00.003-04:00

Over the years I have struggled to find out why we find friendships. When I was young, I had a tough time sorting that out. I wasn't your normal girlie girl with a clique filled with different girlfriends that I could bounce my deepest darkest secrets off of. I had some that stood that ground, but I had many men in my life who stood as my best friends. I truly wondered why that came about. First and foremost, I thought it was a comfortableness factor. Men didn't carry the competitive nature that women did when it came to certain issues. Men find that with others in their group and call it "cock-blocking." So without that competitiveness, you can find some order of trust. This can depend on the type of guy, and the mentality of the situation. Some men find it impossible to befriend a woman without the romantic relationship factor intertwining. If the guy is involved in his own relationship, that can also put a damper on a friendship. I've also seen women who don't let their husbands hang out with their own male friends, which perplexes me somewhat in ways, but then in ways it doesn't. Being that I am married myself, I don't see why I would put up walls for my husband. I trust him and I would hope that he exercises that same trust in me.

Over my life, I have struggled with the phrase "best friend." I wasn't trying to deliberately keep myself from having any close interpersonal relationships. I have had some close friends over the years. The problem that I have found with the word is that it seems to classify one person. Can you have more than one best friend? What makes someone a best friend? Is there some rite of passage that a person must go through to prove to another that they are indeed a best friend? I have close friends. Those friends, or close friends, are those I care about very much. I always see terms like BFF, and best friend, as a title reserved for one single person. Another reason that I struggle with the term "best friend" comes from placing my trust in one person. This person, this so called "best friend," took full advantage of me. This happened to me a while back, but the learning curve never left. I decided, from then on, I would have close friends. This plural term and my life were delegated at my discretion rather than given freely. This may sound selfish, but it's the way I find self-preservation. Those who know me in some capacity realize that I'm not the most social creature in the world. I should change that one day I guess.

Close friends are the one social gift that, as humans, we can give ourselves. Friendships are a mix of common ground and diversity and they give us the unique chance to find ourselves and help us evolve as human beings. We are attracted to those qualities we find familiar and comforting. These friends may share your interests or experiences. I have friends who share my love for music, friends with the same life experiences, and friends that I have been lucky enough to get to know. As an adult, I find that my relationships with people aren't as fragile. I don't feel that nervous about how I come across anymore. As a person, I know that who I'm friends with is based on who I am as a person. These friendships are a healthy part of my life, which differs from my early interpersonal choices. Friendships are now a support system and I realize that. Friendships can give great health benefits for women. According to a study called Friendship, Social Support, and Health, which appeared in Springer Science and Business Media in 2007, says that friendship fosters a "behavioral vaccine" that not only helps with bodily health, but mental health as well. Friendship is said to lower the risk for heart disease, cancer, and other types of maladies.

It's interesting to see how friendships play out over the course of a lifetime. When you meet someone and become friends with them, you really are taking a chance. For some people, this is something that comes naturally. These are people who are naturally social and aren't affected if one person falls away. For someone who falls in the sensitive category, this would never work. Friendship is one of those issues, when you are sensitive in nature, that requires an element of real trust and sacrifice. You are giving a part of yourself away freely and without question, then you have to see if it works out. It's never perfect by any means, but there has to be the middle way. This is a place between two opposite extremes where two people can find understanding. It's almost Buddhist in it's sensibility, and compassion is definitely a great tool for friendship. Cicero's acumen on friendship is quite intriguing but, in my humble opinion, is wishful thinking. According to this theory, you must have implicit trust, truth, and honesty in order to maintain a true friendship. You have to do things for each other without expecting anything in return. When they are faltering, you have to help them understand what is wrong without compromising your moral stability. If friendship were that easy, it would eliminate our basic rudimentary human flaws. Friendship should be the reward in itself, even if it's imperfect or complicated.

Pre-Menstrual Hell

2010-08-12T15:48:00.003-04:00

I have found it; I am in hell. Do you want to know why? I have pre-menstrual syndrome! I find that to be a demeaning term, but it is the only term that can be slapped on the way I feel right now. This kind of feeling is terrible and it's definitely the curse of humanity. They say there is a wide variety of symptoms that go along with this problem. The Mayo Clinic says you get everything from breast sensitivity and mood swings to depression and food cravings. It sounds more like mental illness than a natural monthly occurrence! With everything I have been going through in the last couple months, it's the depression and the mood swings that hit me. Good thing that I have medication for both. Ha! I still feel like crying though. Last night I was watching a movie called Sunshine Cleaning and they had this part in the movie where both of the female characters were celebrating a child's birthday party. I couldn't help it; I just cried. I was being so weird about things, and I kept thinking how I wouldn't be happy about my birthday for a long time. Now I think that maybe those thoughts were probably related to the PMS condition. When I think about it in that respect, maybe if I just ate a piece of chocolate, I wouldn't have had that problem. That's hypothetical and I'm kind of chuckling about that.

Aside from the need for chocolate, being a woman is a hard business. I'm sure that men aren't having an easy time either. We get saddled with this natural mental illness. This illness that recurs in this foreseeable fashion. According to the American Academy of Family Physicians 85% of women, at childbearing age, have experienced symptoms from PMS. Some women only get a couple of the symptoms and there are some who get all of them. This actually interferes with your life, especially when some women get all of the symptoms. I can't even imagine what that must be like. My doctor said that my PMS is related to my clinical depression, but is also related to my seizure disorder. There are other factors that can play a role in PMS. Your age is one of them, unfortunately. My PMS is worse now in my thirties than it was in my twenties and my late teens. Coffee, tea, and caffeinated soda can also exacerbate PMS, which I didn't know until a few months ago. The biggest factor that can trigger PMS, and most people have this in their lives, is stress. Stress is one of the leading factors that exacerbate the symptoms for pre-menstrual syndrome, according to the Mayo Clinic. Lately, my stress level has been high and that really makes my hormones a living hell. I know that I go through so much during this time of the month. My seizures increase and my headaches increase. During the cycle of PMS, according to the American Academy of Family Physicians, migraine, depression, seizure disorders, asthma, and allergies are worsened. Luckily, I'm able to work with my doctors and maintain control with my medications.

At this point, I have realized that my pets are the only ones that don't make feel like screaming. I don't have children, so they don't inflame my PMS. I do have family though, and they are good at giving me the feeling of "hell on earth." My situation as of late hasn't made things much easier. I'm pretty much angry at the world sometimes when I have PMS. Angry enough to cry at the drop of the hat, or scream if I'm alone. I feel bad for Don, because I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable. They say it's good to keep a calender of your symptoms so that you can better control symptoms as they arise. I think it's great to journal, because you can put your thoughts on paper or on the computer. It helps to release all the tension that you feel over the course of the cycle, rather than feeling the need to throw chocolate wrappers at onlookers. It's hard to talk about it to your to your mate or husband, because they can't always understand why you feel the way you do. I always think it's funny how men cringe when you talk about this issue. You'd think that it was the most taboo thing in the world. Some men won't even buy tampons for their wives or girlfriends. Maybe it's the unpredictable nature that disturbs them, or at least it's unpredictable to them. I think as women we are stronger than we like to admit, because we tolerate so much just in one month. We are painted, in history, as the weak and fragile sex. That's entirely untrue, because we are just as strong and we endure much more.

Complications

2010-08-09T18:19:00.000-04:00

There is this point where you feel that you can't move forward without acknowledging the obstacle in your path. Sometimes you have to scream at that obstacle which, I have to admit, I hate doing. Unfortunately, that is my only course of action in some cases. Sometimes I just sigh, and that sigh is a pressure valve that goes off. That is usually coupled with laughter. I'm convinced that if you laugh, you will keep yourself from crying. Lately, I have been trying to think of the most hysterical jokes and incidents that I can find in order to take my mind off of more serious matters. This substitution method is working. My husband helps, because he is naturally goofy. I've been watching a great deal of back episodes of the Dave Chappelle show and a ton of comedic or light fare movies. I've been straying away from heavy dramas. Even my reading has taken a lighter turn. I tried to read one of my old favorite books, The Joy Luck Club, and my heart wasn't in it. I really think it's what I'm surrounded with these days. Every time I try to pull myself out of the abyss, I get dragged back toward it. It's a like a card game that I have no chance, in hell, of winning. If you are ridden with the same problems that never have a chance to evolve toward a solution, then the stress can really get on top of you.

So some of the people closest in my life make me want to propel an icepick into my eardrums. It sounds funny in a dark sense, but they make me wish that I had selective deafness. I can't handle some of the garbage I get saddled with anymore. It makes my body hurt, literally. I have been having pains in my body due to stress. The whole scene is fucking me up utterly! It's the honest truth. I wish I could run screaming, but unfortunately I'm chained to the situation like Princess Leia to Jabba the Hutt. Of course, it's just a metaphor with Jabba the Hutt being the size of my problem. I'm such a nerd. All I can say is that I need a vacation that takes me far away from all of the nonsense and garbage that I am presently dealing with at this point in time. I can't wait to go back to school, because I need a diversion from it all. I need to feel like I have some sort of control over my life. I feel like my life has absolutely no meaning whatsoever. The path I'm presently taking has me stuck in a rut where I'm dealing with the aftershocks of insanity. How do I finally find peace and some semblance of normalcy?

Maybe I need to find a way to disconnect myself. I have to find a way to detach myself from the issues at hand. Should I try meditation? The Buddhists swear by it. I have never been one of those people who could fall into that kind of head space. It's not that I have ADD or ADHD. I just don't have the patience or the innate belief to do so. Some people tell me find God, and he will give me strength. I have tried that in the past, and that never worked for me either. If those two avenues have worked for other people, then that's great. I'm just saying they didn't work constructively for me. I have always found that the way I was able to forge on through life, was through the belief that I could get through one day. So far, I have been doing well with that. Lately, I have been questioning whether or not I need to up my game in that respect. If I'm just meandering through life, where is the reward for it all? Where is the feeling of comfort and satisfaction? Leaning on something will not accomplish anything and just pushing forward without aim won't complete anything. I feel like I need a complete overhaul of where I'm going, where I'm residing, and what career path I want to take. I'm finally starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel and I just want to get the hell out of this mess.

Dreaming Up Your Goals

2010-08-09T16:24:00.001-04:00

Is the world your oyster? Maybe it can be! Even though we may not think so, our chances may be limitless. Yes we may feel constrained, but we all start out with a chance in life. Every day we come up with new dreams. These dreams act as the propellant toward goals. If we didn't have these dreams, we would stall out or fall into a decline. Sometimes this happens, because we lose sight of what to do next. Creating goals are important, because they give you something to strive toward. This gives your life purpose. I was reading on the Yahoo! homepage, only a moment ago, that a British man actually walked the entire Amazon River in two years! I wish I had the stamina and the drive to make a goal and follow it through to that capacity. This man was in the jungle for 859 days! This man did it to raise awareness of the destruction of the rainforest. Luckily the man lived on donations from different companies and donors. There are people who are extreme and then there are people who don't need to prove their endurance quite so much. There are realistic goals that we can set for ourselves. These are goals that we can pursue, strive for, and eventually follow through with, even if it takes a while. This is the type of goal where the payoff makes you grateful for all the effort that you've put into fulfilling it. It feels good when you move past the daydreaming stage and force yourself to recognize your drive.

When you come up with assessable goals, what you do to fulfill them carries new meaning. You are manufacturing plans that guarantee a favorable outcome which works for you. This is a concrete outline but, if you can't envision or realize your dream, then you won't be able to follow through with it. Your confidence level will disappear. Having confidence and realizing that you can rise to the challenge is very important. Working on something gives you emotional gratification once it is accomplished. Planning them out in writing, which is something that I often do, can really help you to organize. When you journal things down, you retain information and keep it current. For instance, those who are on a weight loss plan may write in a dietary journal. When I was on Weight Watchers, I used one for that particular program. It can also help you to revise your outline if something falters. I used one for my seizure diary and one for my social anxiety disorder as well. Both journals helped with my treatment options when it came to my medical conditions. It provides you with the encouragement to try harder and give your best effort. When you manufacture goals, you form a course of events just by outlining your future. Putting one foot in front of the other is the key to getting what you want in life, even though you might think the task is insurmountable.

Summertime is Nearly Done

2010-08-04T17:43:00.002-04:00

Summer is almost over already and I have barely savored it this year. It was very bittersweet this year and most of it was me doing housework to keep my mind off the crappy parts. I did have some high points. I went parasailing for the first time, which I never thought I would be able to do. It was such an adrenaline rush and I thank my older sister Stacey so much for taking me. I went to see a burlesque show for the first time, which was interesting. I met my old childhood friends from elementary school and got to see how nice Asbury Park is beginning to look now that they are restoring it. Don took me to see the Eagles for the first time and I had the benefit of seeing Keith Urban and the Dixie Chicks as well. There were songs played that I never thought I would ever get the chance to hear live in my entire life. I was totally blown away. I was able to meet my Mother-in-Law's new boyfriend for the first time, and he was a very nice person. I celebrated my 38th birthday with my friends and family, at my sister Stacey's home, with a wonderful party. I can't thank everyone enough for that. Plus I have had the kindnesses of friends and strangers who took it upon themselves to wish me a Happy Birthday on Twitter/Facebook/MySpace. That made me so happy. I actually cried when I read them, because I didn't know so many people cared about me.

Unfortunately, I had some really horrible things happen to me during the Summer. Those of you who read this blog or my social networking sites, will know that my Mother had passed away in June. It really put a great deal of things into perspective. I now realize how many things I was actually taking for granted. You never realize how reckless you are until someone close to you passes so suddenly. Life is more fragile than you can ever imagine. It seems, in two short years, both my husband and I have had to learn that the hard way. First my husband's father passed away, then my mother. His father was a harder and more gradual process, and my mother's was out of left field. I can't say which was worse honestly. Death is death no matter how you size it. I remember sitting down and reading the sympathy cards and messages, and I was so moved emotionally. Now that it's sunk in, I just want to fall into a new path. One where I am happy and healthy. Right now, I am not at my healthiest. I'm really being honest here! I won't say why, because that is something I can't admit to anyone right now, but I'm trying to correct this problem. (No it's not mental LOL) That's why I'm going to doctors and getting tests done. Hopefully that will get to the bottom of whatever is going on.

Indian Summer is coming, and I actually like this time of year. It's warm, but not all that humid. You can still head to the beach, but you don't have to burn your feet on the sand when you go swimming. It's the perfect part of the Summertime. This kind of weather is what should last the whole year through. Winter is not the best season by means. In fact, Winter is horrid! At least that's my opinion. Plus Fall and Winter herald the horrible rush of the holiday season. I'm not looking forward to celebrating anything remotely close to that in the least. Maybe that opinion will change as time moves closer, but that's how I feel at the present moment. If anything, I would just want to take a vacation with Don. Somewhere with white sandy beaches and absolutely no stressful problems whatsoever! A place where I have time with my husband exclusively. I think after fifteen years of dealing with holiday ridiculousness together, we totally deserve that much! Over the years, my affinity for the holiday ordeal has become considerably less. Some people would disagree with the logic of escapism, but ah well. I'm sick and tired of apologizing for how I feel. How can I be true to myself, if I take back my feelings? Duh! That's just f*#king ridiculous. It's absolutely true! I'm nothing if I'm not genuine and I'm tired of being overly nice for everyone else's benefit. I'm going to be true to myself, and who can ask for anything better than that. This Summer was definitely a learning experience and, maybe, that was the best part about the season.

Dramatic Addiction

2010-07-31T21:52:00.003-04:00

My name is Denise and I'm addicted to drama. I'm sure I'm not the only one in that position in life. There are a multitude of people who thrive on calamitous situations. These individuals push on from one scenario to the next, shrouding themselves with troubles. These people feel as they are victims of the fates, and that there lives are destined to be wronged. Some people have this type of magnetic quality when it comes to tumultuous relationships, whether it be romantic or friendship. This may have to do with a need for chaos or catastrophic situations as a choice, because it causes some kind of thrill. This is almost like an addiction. The person feels this need to have that kind of negative attention. Narcissism may also play a part in the issue, because said individual always wants someone else to "feel sorry for them." The arousal from the pandemonium eventually just begins to wear away at the person, and it just seems to become this endless frustrating cycle. To begin the cessation of this cyclical problem, you have to comprehend the base cause of this addiction.

There has a to be a way to find joy in our lives, rather than pain and suffering. We are so accustomed to living in such an obstacle ridden world that we don't see an easier way to live. If we look at an easier lifestyle filled with peace and contentment, we feel apprehension, because we feel like there are strings attached. The dramatic scenarios, that occur in our lives, have many purposes. Discontentment causes your body to produce the natural chemical adrenaline, which gives a "high" feeling. It's a ridiculous version of being an adrenaline junkie without the kind you get from extreme sports. Many people, who suffer with drama addiction, seek the comfort of emotional support from others. Dramatic events solidify their victimization, and the addiction properties are fed through the growing intensity of the problem. You have to understand that you have a need for this type of emotional feed. It's like facing any addiction, such as alcoholism or drug addiction. You have to admit that you have a problem. This is the first step in the process of your recovery, because you have to be one to face it head on.

There is an underlying need for dramatic situations. To address this need, you can journal your feelings. This is an important tool that can help you put those feelings to paper and analyze them. After you write these feelings over and over again, you begin to see your patterns and have some clarity when it comes to your mistakes. When you look at your emotions on the pages, and your responses to dramatic situations, you can see what you can do to avoid these problems and choose healthy solutions. You can choose to not take part in that type of chaotic difficulty. You can choose to take the peaceful route and enjoy your life. Every time you write down your feelings, you can see your triggers and learn from them. I write down my triggers all of the time. Being addicted to drama doesn't constitute being addicted to relationships filled with domestic abuse or being a criminal, I just simply put myself in situations that were my own undoing. So I'm learning every day that I have a right to be happy without discord.

No More Extra Websites!

2010-07-27T22:54:00.003-04:00

For a very long time I made websites. Most of these websites were just novelty sites. You may consider them stupid because, to be perfect honest, I do at this point in time. Today, with the financial climate being so tight, I had to get rid of a couple superfluous webspaces. One of them was a space that I've had for almost seven years, if you could believe it. This website, that has been with me for so long, was wiped out within a matter of minutes. It was something that was fun for a very long time, and it was mostly created it because for my love of music. There was another webspace that was just sitting there, which was never used for the most part, that I got rid of as well. Really there was no sadness, other than a little nostalgia. The first site that I was mentioning was my Richard Marx fansite. That was such a fun site to work on, and it evolved and changed so many times. After a while, I just stopped working on it. It didn't really mean that much to me anymore and it was creating an expense that was becoming an excess. The same was holding true with the other site. I have decided that having urls, unless you are using them for revenue purposes, are ridiculous to pay for.

There are so many different things that you can do on the web that don't consist of spending egregious amounts of money. I would rather take a free blog on here, run a Facebook, or have a Twitter account than have a website that isn't really doing anybody any good. I loved the Richard Marx website very much but, really, how many people were actually visiting that. I can't keep myself from chuckling when I think about it. The other website I was going to run a blog through, but that never really happened when I found this place. So that other url kind of became dusty and cost me money every month for being unused. It was hosting images for the most part. I was also hosting some music until I could transfer it to another computer, which isn't altogether on the up and up. Needless to say that was only a very temporary venture. I kept thinking to myself, "Why do I bother using this extra webspace for images when I have a Xanga with unlimited hosting space?" That's when I realized that this was just stupid. I have a Lifetime account with Xanga and a free account here, I don't really need all that extra garbage. If I needed a url for this blog that badly, I could buy one cheaply with Go-Daddy. I could even get one under my husband's plan. I just don't need one! After today's cancellations, I saved myself almost $40 in charges. I feel really good about all of that. So long Richard Marx fansite! I will miss you but, hello savings.

This Has to Stop! It's Time to Shut the Door!

2010-07-26T20:59:00.002-04:00

This is going to seem more like a journal entry today, but bear with me anyway. Sunday I spent some time with my sister sorting through some more of my Mother's things. Most of the stuff we sorted was either for good will or to the dumpster, but it was very odd. I have gone through the whole phase where I felt the uncontrollable part, now things seem reflective. I'm afraid to sort the memories out too much and I, certainly, do not want to over analyze them. I wanted to absorb the sadness that my sister felt today. I wanted to take away the pain that she felt; that she was enduring over all of this. I hated that I felt so even headed over it. I felt that maybe I was missing something that should be there. Could it be because I saw her first hand? I keep wringing my hands and trying to think of an answer. Being contemplative really doesn't accomplish anything, but I really don't comprehend any other way to sort this. I guess sorting through the items and packing them in garbage bags kind of felt like I was intruding on her life. I felt like I was taking away part of her and throwing it all away, like she was refuse. I felt almost like I was being hurtful in a way, but it was something that needed to happen. It was unflappable and inevitable; it needed to be removed. I wasn't feeling overly thrown over it, but I have to admit to some apprehension.

I'm one of those people who goes into a situation without feeling the need to weep. I don't know if that has anything to do with me being hard hearted or if I just have some kind of genetic or psychological defect of some sort. The funny part is that I have more of a tough time dealing with the death of a pet, than the death of a person. I feel really awful by saying that, but it is absolutely one-hundred and fifty percent true. Maybe it's due to having more of a complicated relationship with my human family, but I can't really tell. I'm really clueless on the matter at hand. When my cat Curley passed away, I spent the whole day bawling. I don't mean just weeping; I mean bawling on my pillow in my apartment. It was one of the hardest things I have had to deal with in my entire life. To this day, it still chokes me up to think about it. Now my Mother's passing hurts in a different way. It's more of a empty feeling that I just can't seem to shake. I've done the crying thing, and that is not the issue. It's like this dull ache and it hurts, but I push through it. My Dad is like me, because I can see that he's dealing with it in the same manner. Oddly enough, I thought he was going to be more like my kid sister. It turned out that my older sister and younger sister were just like Mom in the emotion department, while Dad and I steered the same direction.

I am really hoping that there is a time where I can just move past this. I want to get all of that stuff out of the room, so I don't have to look at it anymore. I want it for Daddy and I want it for the family. This is something that needs to happen so that we can enter the next phase of our lives. It's as if we are in stasis. Unable to move on with things as they should, because there is this obstacle that barriers us from moving down the road. Another thing that hasn't been done yet, and I know this is going to be very very hard, is the spreading of the ashes. That is going to be so hard for all of us. To me, it will see so freeing to let her go. I know she wouldn't want to just sit in a silicone and metal urn. On the other hand, talking about this feels extremely maudlin and I will stop right here and now. Sorry if I made anybody uncomfortable. When this is all said and done, I feel like I will be free. I know Mom would want that for me. I'm sick of writing about this. I'm sick of having this clog my brain like a fucked up sink. This has to end, because life has to start up as it should. Happiness and peace needs to come back to my life. I need to shut this door! I need to have hope again.

Times Change

2010-07-26T19:10:00.006-04:00

As my days click by I wonder, "Am I really the person I thought I would be at thirty-eight?" I remember when I was a kid, and I thought that the world was going to be so much different by the time I was in my thirties. You know when you dream of the world when it hit the year 2000. I thought that we would live in a land filled with electric cars that floated on the air and robots would be serving us dinner. I thought our world would be more like the Jetsons. Instead, it seems the world is almost the same. The only differences are the advance in communications. I think that most of the world differs, because technology removed the need for being outdoors. I remember when I was a kid, we didn't really have that much in the way of video game technology. We went outside to play. I rode my big wheel or played soccer with my friends and neighbors. The world seemed so different then. I didn't really have any connections with anyone that lived halfway around the globe, much less anyone who lived two towns away from me. The only exception would be my cousins and other extended family. I was busy exploring the woods near my house, and sometimes getting poison ivy. I use to build makeshift forts with my sister and my friends. We would ride our bikes down the trails and just enjoy the outdoors.

During my days in early education and all the way through high school, there wasn't much in the way of technology. There was a small course within middle school that pertained to the Apple IIC computers, which dealt with elementary aspects of programming and the use of basic DOS systems. When I was at the end of middle schooling, math tutorials had their work on computer terminals with basic DOS setups. These were your ancient versions of the IBM computer. I can even remember the model. We didn't have cellular phones and texting all through high school. Things were limited to passing notes through class. If you were caught, the note was read in front of the class, which was completely mortifying. Especially if the subject matter was of a questionable nature. I do remember, however, that I had the Commodore 64 computer. I remember typing code all day on the computer just for simple programs. I also remember having computers that went on very simple BBS boards, which were extremely primitive versions of chat rooms. This was such a big deal when I was a kid. Now kids have World of Warcraft and dozens of different communication clients and games to use on the internet. Skype is a client you use on your cellphone and your computer. With invention of laptops and mini-notebooks, you can take your computer where ever you go. That was something I could only have wished for when I was a kid.

Now with the invention of game systems like the X-BOX and the Nintendo Wii, nobody seems to see as much sunlight as they used to. I have to say that I am just as guilty as the next, because I spend a great deal of time writing on my computer when I should be outside and on the beach. I can almost say that I wish things didn't arrive so quickly when it came to this amount of technology, but it's something that made our lives easier in the long run. Cellphones are very handy. If my husband's car were to breakdown, he could call the auto club to help him and he could call me up. My BlackBerry, which is a type of cellphone, helps me to keep track of my classes, my appointments, my schedules, my assignments, and other important items. With the convenience of a laptop or notebook, I can take notes from class without having the tediousness of a paper notebook. It is more efficient and definitely assures me that I get all of my notes down without missing any of the data. It is also handy for typing papers without worrying about getting the space in the computer lab. I am thankful for those advances in technology, because they definitely give us the chance to improve how we function educationally. You can practically find any information that you need for papers online anymore. Journal articles for medical, historical, etc., can be found in assorted library databases all around the world and are able in catalogues right through your college libraries or even your public libraries. It's absolutely amazing. We never had that when I was a kid. We had encylopedia Brittanica or you had to go into the library and find the book. I still take joy in looking for books in the library for the information used in thesis statements. The smell of library books is so soothing. I know that it sounds corny, but I can get lost in the stacks. It's something that I became addicted to from the first time my mother took me to the public library as a little one. I can remember the first book that I checked out. It was Madeleine! I loved that book. Since then, every book was better than the next.

I can't remember how we became such a nosey culture though. I remember a time when people weren't so interested in whether or not someone like Britney Spears was driving her child around without a car seat. Maybe I wasn't old enough to really notice that our culture was obsessed with tabloid fodder, or that kind of behavior wasn't splashed all over the television set for anyone to hear. It seemed that the boom of the millenium, meant that the everyone had the right to see what a celebrity looked like underneath their clothes or how they looked when they've drank a full bottle of vodka. It's really absurd and completely disgusting. I've also noticed that there are celebrities who really haven't accomplished anything that would cause them to be celebrities other than coming from money. I will give you two examples: The Kardashians and the Hilton sisters. Sometimes I go through the checkout lines and I see all of these horrible things about people. Funny thing is I don't know half of the names on the magazine covers. Does that make me old, or just out of the loop? Maybe it just means that I am really boring. All I know is that it's ugly. Most of the women on those covers look like the poster children for breast implants and restylane. I was watching Entourage last night, and Beverly D'Angelo, who was also in National Lampoon's Vacation and its various sequels, had so much work done on her face that it was unbelievable. It was one of the most obvious facelifts that I have seen in a while. Not that she didn't look good, because she did, but you could see that there was some work done. Heather Locklear, Cher, and Priscilla Presley are the women who should be kicking their plastic surgeons in the balls. The sad thing is I've only seen it in the checkout line.

I remember a simpler time, when MTV played music and VH1 played adult contemporary music. I remember enjoying the thrill of buying cassettes and records from the store, and playing video games at the arcade. My free time was spent at the mall as a teenager rather than at a computer. Now you can post every move you make on Twitter, every mood you have on Facebook, and if you do go to the mall you can check in on Foursquare. You can publish your writing on a Blog or viral your video creations on YouTube. Downloading your music replaces buying from a music store and you can rent your movies from Netfix instead of Blockbuster. Even politics has changed, because it's become just as sensationalized as tabloid celebrity. We have the fear of overpollution and many hope for clean energy. You would almost think that by now that we would be running on electric cars. It didn't seem to work the way people thought it would. I guess my thoughts were overblown. I thought that by now I would have two kids and a station wagon, but now I realize that wasn't a realistic goal. I didn't know that things would change the way it did this year. There is no way to predict the future. Everyone has their version of how things would look. Some people thought our lives would be as modern as Blade Runner or 2010 a Space Odyssey, but it turns out that version of modern was just fantasy. What do you think the year 3000 will look like? I think that our planet will be a flaming ball of crap by then, but I will be long gone, so what do I know. HA!

Movie Podpie

2010-07-23T17:24:00.000-04:00

You have to check out this really incredible movie podcast and movie review site called Movie Podpie Podcasts and Movie Reviews. Click on www.moviepodpie.com to listen to this week's review on the new film Inception!

Anxiety

2010-07-23T15:28:00.000-04:00

I have never been one of those people who can give everything in my life away. I write a great deal of things down for many people to see but, for the most part, that is a mere fraction of my life. I'm guarded. Whether or not that is life experience that has taught me that or it's instinct alone, I'm really not sure. My brain can't really fight that reflex. I have something that I am willing to give up. For instance, today I went through this horrific anxiety attack. The reasons behind that attack can't ever bubble to the surface. This isn't a case of being selfish, but my nature won't let me. If I tell you what bothers me, than I have to experience that problem all over again, by exposing myself for everyone to see. I'm not a criminal and no I'm not crazy; I'm just suffering with feeling that the past is always gaining on me. Mostly because it's part of my life, for the rest of my life. I have suffered with panic attacks and anxiety attacks as a result of holding and repressing much of the difficult issues in my life. I have gone through through traumatic events, which I cannot discuss within this format. Those events, as well as my current neurological condition, affect my social interactions a great deal. I fear how I come across to people, because I lose time very often. I can't ever say when this happens because, when I notice, I am mortified that I missed a segment of conversation or occurring event.

For many people who suffer with anxiety, it can be crippling. It's almost as if somebody is taking away your freedom by sacking you with insatiable fear. This fear can occur just with the sensation of a trigger. Many people who suffer from these issues have a hard time discussing the motives behind them, because they are the stimuli that gives them the greatest harm they've ever known. Some of it may come from trauma or an unstable form of event that occurred within the past. I have what they consider Generalized Anxiety Disorder, which is linked to my clinical depression. Luckily I have found a medication that works for both of these medical conditions, though I still get mild panic attacks from time to time. For those who have suffered traumatic events, such as those who are victims of crime or those who are soldiers or war veterans, may suffer what American Psychiatric Association calls Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This can also lead to panic attacks, depression, and other related conditions. Many of these patients also lead to conditions of self medication, such as alcoholism or drug addiction. They used to call this disorder "shell shock" in earlier years. Panic disorder, anxiety attacks, or even PTSD can exhibit symptoms ranging from nausea and vomiting with a real fear of dying to flashbacks and hallucinations.

The valuable tool that I have found over the years, when it to working my anxiety, was the use of combining cognitive therapy with the medical treatment. The hardest part was finding the right therapist and the psychiatrist. Sometimes there are doctors who feel the need to overmedicate and don't feel that they necessarily need to communicate with your other doctors in order to find the right treatment options. For instance, I am an epileptic. I had to find a special psychiatrist to deal with my psychotherapy, a neuropsychiatrist. This psychiatrist keeps in touch with my neurologist to make sure that they keep records of any changes in dosages when it comes to my medicines so adjustments can be made accordingly. Now with a therapist, there is another problem. There are therapists in the world that find it there mission in life to make you feel as bad or even worse than you possibly can. All they want to do is get you in and out of the room before your time is even up. These are the "professionals" that you need to avoid. Look at the reviews for your psychotherapists, because it will benefit you in the long run. A little bit of research can save you a boatload of bad advice from a professional nightmare. I will say this and, as the APA says, "treatments of anxiety disorders do not work immediately," Things take time, and you may not be able to reveal everything for a very long time. You may never reveal the cause behind it. Try to be as resolute with your life as you possibly can, because you only have one right now. Unless the Buddhists are right, and you have a second try. I wouldn't experiment with that theory!

Last Wishes

2010-07-21T20:06:00.002-04:00

I was watching a video journal entry that a musician made the other day. He answered select questions made by fans. I remember one question that I found particularly interesting. It was the topic of the "bucket list". I had never heard of this concept before, or ever for that matter. I was wondering to myself, "How do you actually make a concise list of things that you want to do before you die?" Are these lists only of things that you haven't done and you would like to accomplish or can they be events that you wish to repeat once more because you loved them so much? I figure that this is something that could be a combination of both. I would also think that my bucket list should include things that I specifically want to avoid, although that may be left in more of a will perspective. The Bucket List, as I have come to understand it this afternoon, was popularized by a movie made in 2007 starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Both characters are dying and choose to fulfill as many of their dreams as possible before their lives end. I always find it interesting how pop culture finds a way to a simple "list of things to do before you die" and make it a pop culture reference with one film.

There are many different ways to spread your wishes in this life. You can even put your wishes on a banyan tree in Hong Kong. It's true! The Lam Tsuen wishing trees are shrines in which people put their paper wishes on the tree by throwing them up with an orange. I guess that's one way to pin your hopes on something. I have never been one of those people who wished for the world before I kick the bucket or so to speak. I know that we can't have everything in life. We all have dreams that we hold on to, and I definitely have those. For instance, I want to grow old on the Jersey Shore. Some people want to leave the place where they were born and get as far away as they can, but I really don't. If I wanted to live anywhere else, it would be Scotland. I would want that, because I know that would be my husband's dream. I would always want to be near the water. My other dream would be to write for a living, and just to have my own column in a magazine or newspaper. These are real life dreams that, for all intents and purposes, could come true, but I wouldn't sit on my ass and wait for it to happen. In the meantime, I do other things that get me ahead. I go to school to try and get a career, and I do what I can to get by. If I grow old with my husband and I live out the rest of my life with him, that is really all the bucket list I need. Even if all the other stuff doesn't pan out, my life will be perfect.

I think we go through life with distinct fear that we have accomplished nothing. We try and try to do as much as we possibly can and sometimes we run like a rat on a wheel. Maybe we forget to take time to smell the roses and enjoy what life has to offer, and realize what we enjoy. Some people have this harsh one track mind that keeps them from enjoying the diversity of life. If we did that, maybe we wouldn't have a huge bucket list, or maybe our bucket list would have more interesting wishes. I could never live a humdrum existence of doing something that I absolutely hated, but sometimes many people have to. Really the only thing you can do is make the best of it by filling in the gaps with the stuff you love. Capture as many of the little things as you can, when you can. You never know when that chance may be fleeting. I guess I started to feel this way after my Mom passed away recently. She seemed to do as much as she could have done in her life, but I wonder if there were some things that she wished for and never got the chance to fulfill. In a way that saddens me. For my whole life, I have lived for the moment. I used to think that was irresponsible of me, but I really don't anymore. My favorite quote from Steel Magnolias aptly says how I feel about life. "I'd rather have thirty minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." ~Shelby Latcherie

Chronicle of Yesterday

2010-07-18T18:39:00.001-04:00

I went with my kid sister, Lenore, to Eagle Point with my father yesterday and I hadn't been down to that beach by he river in almost thirteen years. The last time I was down there was with my Mom and my kid sister. So Lenore and I went out by the dock where we used to go fishing and crabbing as kids and I welled up a bit. I kept thinking so much about my life and how fast it's gone by. The reason we were there was for a community picnic. My father didn't want us to miss some of it, so that's how we made it there. Even as a I write this, I still cry about all of this. I somehow feel so foolish that I can't get past some of this. It doesn't seem so much like grieving, but real nostalgia. I feel this honest and genuine gratitude for all of things my Mom taught me. Like fishing with a bobber with a bamboo pole or building sand castles on the beach.

The Eagle Point beach has changed so much itself, because the sand has eroded so much that the parking lot is bigger than the beach itself. It's kind of sad, because the water actually comes up to the pavillion now. I sat there and had a hot dog and some salad. I actually talked to some of my Mom's old friends and explained what happened last month, which was kind of difficult. I hated having to rehash the whole experience, but I really couldn't get around it. Ah well! My Dad was happy that I went, because I know that he was kind of blue that morning. He usually went with Mom to these events. I was a bit apprehensive, so he called my sister when I initially declined, so my sister kind of shamed into the whole event. I guess I am an awful daughter, but I really try not to be. I just don't like to be around people that I don't necessarily know.

Last night was much better though! I went with my two sisters and my kid sister's husband to see the Peek-a-Boo Burlesque Revue at the Asbury Lanes. It was really fun and it was actually humourous at times. I thought it was going to be stripper-like, but I was pleasantly surprised that it was kind of tasteful. They had the Betty Page kind of thing going, with the pinup look to some of the girls. They had some of the fifties look to some of the girls, but then there was some contemporary bits that made the show very unexpected. I really thought it was interesting. I don't know if I would have ever chosen to go and see that type of show on my own, because it wouldn't have been my thing. At least in my mind. It was fun though! I have to bring Donald the next time, because I think he'll enjoy himself too.

Ophelia! (A Mobile Blog)

2010-07-16T21:28:00.003-04:00

I remember when this little one was the length of about ten inches in total! She was her Daddy's holiday present in December 1996. I remember seeing her for the first time at Pet Depot. She was in a pen with two Jack Russell Terriers and she busted through both of them to take a peek at my Mom and I. When I saw her, I knew that she was going to be our little girl. I remember calling Donald, my husband, on the telephone to explain about her. I remember him also saying, "Honey no!" Finally I was able to lure him to see her and he held her for the first time. I could see the tears well up in his eyes and he smiled sheepishly and said, "Damn you." I signed the paperwork and she was quarantined for her vaccinations. Then she came home to us. I remember she was dressed in a little red sweater with a red harness and leash. I was working as a market researcher and when my husband would pick me up she would always come with him. My co-workers loved her. My whole family loved Ophelia from the start. We used to take her for rides in the car and she would come for visits to see my parents, my husband's parents, the park, and so many other places. Ophelia is the only dog I know who is excited to go to the vet. We've moved a few times and even with the change in space, Ophelia has always taken it all in stride. She unconditionally loves most everyone she meets, though the animal world can be debatable at times. Lately she has taken great strides in that area I must say. Her vivacious playful nature was always her biggest deal, but she's calmed down some now. Our little girl is hitting her golden years and at fourteen, we are spoiling her rotten. For those who call dogs "man's best friend" I think you are a bit mistaken in your term. Ophelia, our dog, is a "humanity's best friend." She has been with us as long as we have been married and we love her so dearly!
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Posted via email from Summer Writing

Housewife

2010-07-16T16:30:00.002-04:00

As I was wiping the counters in my kitchen this afternoon I got to thinking. Over the years I have done many different jobs. I have been a factory worker, a cashier, a market researcher, a call receiver, an assembly line worker, an amusement park worker, a receptionist, and a salesperson. I have been married for almost fifteen years now, and a housewife for the bulk of those years. I never really thought of that as a job really. Maybe because, in a sense, it was thankless or that it's never really recognized as such. I'm a student as well, but that is only during certain parts of the year and that isn't my primary life. I guess that I never really took stock in this part of my life because of my lack of children. I have pets, and those are my kids. They actually take more care than you realize. Right now I am also taking care of my Dad, which doubles my domestic work. This is therapeutic for me! It's doing something I never realized it could ever do. It's taking away my need to dwell. I just flick on my favorite Bollywood music station and off to work I go. I'm still wondering, as I push the lever on the spray cleaner, "Was this what I had always intended?"

My Mom always did the housewife thing and didn't seem to question it. She seemed to fall into that role so easily, but I never really knew if she was truly happy. Did she fall into such an abyss, because she was stuck at home for thirteen years? I mean she seemed alright to me, but people are able to hide things when they want to. I know I have kept things under wraps until someone like my husband came along; someone who could see me without prejudice. Of course, I was always too sensitive for my own good. I wonder if maybe I am falling into that trap and I don't know it. That really scares me in a way, because it makes me think that she may have resented us in some small way. I know that when I get things done and cleaned up the way I want it, I feel really good about it. If I do something and get it accomplished, I'm good with it. I like to cook and make stuff for Don. I like to prepare things with Don. It gives me this sense of family and I really hope that is what Mom had with us. I hope that sitting in front of those soap operas all day wasn't her way of just getting away from us.

I can understand wanting to escape from the everyday or thinking that maybe you are stuck in something that is lackluster in comparison to a normal career. I feel that grip many times over. I see my friends, who are so smart and literate, shine in their careers. I don't feel necessarily envious, but I am wishful. I am happy for them, because they worked so hard to get where they are and they deserve all of their successes in life. I felt like kind of a slacker and a dumbass in a way for a while. I know that I have some strikes against me, but I will never claim them as an excuse. That's why I pushed my ass through school again. I may be the oldest person in my classes, but I'm still just as willing to learn. I am just as eager to be there. I'm a happy housewife who finds her rewards there, but I want to find rewards outside of that venue. I want to be both of these people. I'm proud of my domestic side, because I get to share that with my husband. I get that sense of family that comes with that job and that's something you don't have in a regular job. I still would like to further myself in both professions. Wish me luck!

I'm Just a Blogger with a Dream of Greatness

2010-07-15T01:17:00.000-04:00

I've been doing this blog for a while now. I can't believe that I am already three months in just about! This is a challenge to myself, in a sense. I'm empowering myself to write something every day. If I miss a day I write two entries the next. Some days are long essays, some days are short mobile blogs. Some of these are my memoirs, and some are just interesting current events or topics I feel like elaborating on. Even though I am having a great time with it, I'm starting to wonder if my words are hitting the hopeless internet abyss. I think it's almost like the Julie Powell effect, minus the extraneous profanity and the narcissism. I really don't want to use that kind of example, because I'm not doing some kind of stunt where I'm going through a cookbook and terrorizing my husband with my lack of cooking skills. Although, in her case, it was the reverse when it came to the cooking for the most part. I wish that I was that novel. In this case, I am a simple blogger with the hopefully romantic vision that someone will eventually read my words and say, "WOW! She is actually a good writer." Right now, after thinking that, I can't help but chortle. If that happened, pigs would fly. My Facebook friend used that apt saying for another reason, but it is definitely a multipurpose anecdote. I'm finding, more and more, that impossible dreams come into my brain these days. I'm beginning to think that it's a result of my Mom passing. I'm feeling that life's too short tightness in my grey delco. I wish I was this impassioned earlier in my life, but I guess I should take advantage of it now. It's not even really impassioned, it's more like whimsical. I guess there isn't really anything that I can see to restrain me from writing honestly. I feel like a dam has broken loose with my feelings and thoughts in a forum for all to see. I don't know if everyone sees it, but it's fun to think that there are many people doing so.

Maybe it's because this blog doesn't have a direct vision or an overall subject. I don't know if I could write about one thing constantly. There would be that element of boredom that would creep in and the writing would run away from me. I know with BlogHer, they want me to gear my blog toward women, but how can I really do that? I can't write about the perfect tampon or the perfect man. That whole business has been drawn out and quartered by so many other authors over the years. Who would really want my acumen on the subject in the first place? I'm not a doctor in any of those subjects! It always seems like most of the female geared blogs have some sort of activity that women prefer or a subject that is a hot button female issue. I don't think I am libelous or nor do I misrepresent women. In fact, I think I celebrate them by being an independent blogger. I just wish that I had a broader audience, but I wish I knew who my audience would be. That is the multi-million dollar question! If someone could elaborate on that, believe me, I would love the input! I think more or less, I write something that affects me with the hope that someone else can connect with it in some way, shape, or form. I don't have to the power to write fiction, but I have plenty of truth to share with everyone. Hopefully one day there will be more people willing to enjoy it with me.

Verbal Diarrhea

2010-07-14T23:35:00.001-04:00

If there is something that people could remember me by, it would be my lack of tact. There is always that time where someone needs my input and what slips out is advice blanched with the awful truth. Why is it so hard for me to be completely comforting to someone or at least complimentary? I'm beginning to think that I am suffering with some kind of brain defect that makes me terribly blunt or way too outspoken. There should be a volunteer program whereas you can install a v-chip that you can turn on and off during social situations. This could censor and or alter certain responses to different situations that may cause you to air a very disconcerting response. Sometimes there are moments that make me question whether or not I am good person at all? Then again, I am a me, me, me person at times. Isn't everyone though? Is there anyone who is completely selfless in nature? If you aren't, then there is no possible way that you can exist without withering away or at least suffering in some nature. You have to give yourself a bit of attention or you will find yourself in situation where you are constantly taken advantage of. That's another reason why I have always come across so tough. I was always the meek nerdy kind of girl who really didn't have a ton of friends as a child. When I got older, I was very naive and was taken advantage of by men. So eventually, when I developed a thick skin, I became tougher, blunt, and very honest. I have a feeling that it comes down to being too honest for my own good. Luckily I was able to find a man who adored me for my blunt honesty, because I don't think there would be anyone else that would be able to put up with me. My experiences have made me a person that one shouldn't be. Is there a cure for that insanity?

I try so much to understand the mixture that is the human psyche, but it is definitely a mystery. People go to psychiatrists and analysts trying to debunk their issues. I know I do but, let's face it, there are plenty more in my position. People are sad, people are happy, people are wronged, people are robbed, people are lost, and we all need to be found in some way. Every day I long to find a way to find myself, my true self. I know that's like fielding the holy grail. Every person struggles with how much of themselves they are willing to share. That's like parting with lottery money. If people find out how much you have, they will take as much as they can grab from you. Although that may seem like propaganda or even paranoia, that really stands to be more true than you can ever realize. It seems that when you are hurting, there is always someone you have to hide that hurt from. There is always someone you can't give that part of yourself away to. Is it because of manipulation? Unfortunately yes! Maybe this is because of fear of manipulation too. It can also be fear of someone who is overly critical. This is the category that I try so very hard not to fall into. My own father is terribly critical and it flows through my genes like a festering disease from both sides of my gene pool. Not to say that both of my parents aren't endearing individuals, but my father has it and my mother certainly did while she was alive. I'm just hoping that one day, I can find a way to reverse my genetic flaw and be a nicer and more cordial human being. Hopefully admitting I have a problem is the step toward that future. My name is Denise and I have Verbal Diarrhea. It doesn't sound nice, but I'm willing to find a way to cure it!

A Culinary Endeavor

2010-07-13T20:43:00.004-04:00

I decided to channel my inner Madhur Jaffrey this evening. My husband Don and I have been wanting to do something different with the standard salmon fare we usually have during the week. I was watching this show called the Spice Goddess on the new Cooking Channel. Bal Arneson, the television chef on the program, was making this wonderful dish called Salmon with Coconut Sauce. This dish has all of these lovely spices like cardamom seeds, coriander, fennel seeds, brown mustard seeds, fresh cracked pepper, and fresh ginger. My husband and I found the perfect tomato at the market and some beautiful salmon fillets from the fish mongor. We grabbed some coconut milk along the way, and then off home to make a fantastic meal. Both of us were surprised how easy it was to make the meal. We cooked the salmon by searing it, in a bit of vegetable oil, until it was cooked through on both sides. We decided to just cook both the sauce and the fish in vegetable oil, because the other oils were so pricey and the taste was just as great! While Don was busy working with the salmon, I was assembling the sauce by sauteing my ginger, spices and diced tomato. Then when they were thoroughly cooked, I added a cup of coconut milk. The fragrances around the room were unbelievable. When the salmon finished, Don added fresh squeezed lemon and fresh cracked pepper. I steamed some string beans to accompany and ladled the sauce over the fish. It was awesome! Paired it with a merlot and a soundtrack of classic hindi bollywood songs! What a fantastic evening!

If you want to try this recipe for yourself, click here!

Random Thoughts and Emotions Fueled by Grief

2010-07-12T23:00:00.006-04:00

"This feather may look worthless, but it comes from afar and carries with it all my good intentions." ~June from the "Joy Luck Club"

That quote from the Joy Luck Club kind of sticks with me. It almost seems more poingant now than it did when I first heard it all of those years ago. My Mom would do things for my sisters and I that seemed a bit trivial when we were younger and now I realize how important those things were. I always have to remind myself that I need to move forward and not feel so trapped by the heartache. Tonight was the second time I cried for my Mother. I didn't even get emotional at her memorial. I think that it's just me trying to be strong, but I'm beginning to realize that it's me avoiding grief. I don't mean to do this to dishonor my Mother, because that is not my intent. Some of the strength comes from anger, because I feel as if some of the issues that happened, she could've prevented. The other part of it comes from the need to be strong for both of my sisters and my father. Tonight, when I realized that I will never have her to talk to anymore, the wall came down. When I realized all of the good things that she meant for us to do, even though we fought her on them, made us the people we are today. Like making us go for swimming lessons or teaching me my multiplication tables. Even when my Mom gave us those silly stocking stuffers during the holidays, they came with the best of intentions and love. When my Mother saw her oldest daughter for the first time in 18 years, it seemed that all of that time vanished and she took her back. It didn't seem to matter that all of those years escaped her, because she was willing to make up for all of it. She instilled that unconditional love onto us. She always had that kind of spirit, and she figured that it was important that we carried that along. Sometimes I find it hard to be that compassionate, but it came to her easily.

Things weren't always easy for her and I. There was plenty of resentment over different ideas for how my life should be run. It seemed to sit with me over the years, even though I tried not to let it overwhelm me. I never realized why she was like that, but it occurs to me that maybe that type of doting was something that was lacking in her own childhood. I've heard stories about what happened to my Mother during certain parts of her life, but much of it wasn't spoken of until we were older. I remember how resentful I was when Mom kept the knowledge of my sister from my little sister and I for a huge chunk of our childhood. Now I can comprehend why she did it but, back then, I hated her for it. Now I feel like I wasted very valuable time being angry with her, and I regret it terribly. When you are young, your feelings are extremely impulsive to say the very least. I may have been like my Father, because I internalized a great deal of my thoughts and feelings over the years. The one thing that I didn't pick up from my Father was his critical nature. This is something I can never get around, but Mom used to try to break it down and make me understand. She was the only one who could smooth that out, but sometimes I thought that she just wanted me to swallow that garbage. That made me so angry with her, because she made it like I shouldn't be offended by that at all. I realize that she just wanted peace and harmony in the home. Whether or not that meant taking that verbal diarrhea, well so be it. Maybe she wanted me develop a thick skin where that is concerned, but I'll never really know now.

It was really hard to know what my Mother intended sometimes, for many reasons. I can write a laundry list of different occurences that left me scratching my head. Some of them seemed to work for the ones she was helping, but really didn't work out well for my little sister and I. With my older sister, well she had her family in South Jersey. She didn't really have to deal with the everyday issues. These things weren't hurtful or anything of that nature, just very inconvenient and sometimes unfair to my little sister and I. My Mother tended to get wrapped up doing things for other people, and letting some stuff fall by the wayside. I can laugh about it now but, back when we were children, it wasn't so funny. For these issues, I learned the element of forgiveness. This was not something that came natural to me. In fact, I still wrestle with it. I had to make myself realize that parents don't have a guidebook for when their children come along. I had to realize that everyone makes mistakes that maybe they can't fix, but they can take that experience, learn from it, and turn it into something positive. I know that when I'm going through stages like this, I feel such anger that I cry. Not for anything that she did, but for the fact that I should've taken more time to understand who she was as a person. Maybe it was because she was always trying to be more of a friend than a parent at times. Maybe it was because I'm just a difficult person. Truthfully both factors probably came into play. Hopefully, as time moves forward, I will be able to find peace with everything or at least try with the best of my ability. Time never really lets us know what's in store for all of us and I know that I'm no fortune teller. I will say this though, at least I'm still the master of my own destiny and hopefully my emotions and my rationale can meet halfway.